12 year "relationship" all for nothing!

DaisyBeeton

Hi,
This is a long, long story, so I'll try to summarise it as quickly as possible:
I have been with my partner for 12 years now. I never felt fulfilled, appreciated, loved or special by him. I have always envied other couples who are so affectionate, connected and caring towards each other. He has never been like that towards me, inspite of me lavishing unconditional love, affection and support on him. It has always been such a one-sided, unrequitted love.

I hear you scream "Why did you stay in the so-called relationship, then?". I stayed for a few different reasons. I was so lonely, my family situation wasn't ideal and I wanted an escape and a 'refuge' from that, plus he kept on "promising" me and "re-assuring" me that he would change, stringing me along, basically. I waited and waited and waited for this "change", but, 12 years on, a broken heart, broken mind and broken spirit and he still hasn't changed.

After 10 years, we finally got "engaged". It broke my heart that it took sooo long for him to do even that much, because that slowness in itself speaks volumes. It shames me to admit this, but I bought the ring, myself, on the internet. And even at that, it was sitting on the shelf waiting for him to propose, for 5 months after buying it. 10 years and 5 months waiting to be engaged! I used to be heart broken and envious of all other couples who were engaged and married after 4 or 5 years of dating. Why couldn't that be me? Where did I go wrong?? I loved him too much. I spoiled him too much, forgave him too much and did too much for him, I suppose. He never appreciated anything I ever did for him, but I stayed because I so badly wanted him to love me, have a home together and have children together.

I eventually talked him into building a house together. That was 4 years ago and the house still isn't finished. To my embarrassment and torment, I am still living with my parent and he with his. We are both in our early 30's. I cry every whole day at the way my life has gone.

It was me who did everything to get to the house to the stage that it is at. It was me who researched for all the ideas for the house, applied for planning, dealt with the builders and tradesmen, measured, priced, sourced and physically hauled items for the house. And still he couldn't pull his weight. I thought the more I did for the house, the more he would see it becoming a home and that that image would entice him, but it obviously hasn't.

I worked night and day for years at the house like 20 workmen. 14 and 16 hours per day, then drive the 30 mile journery home, to face it all over again tomorrow. I wanted it soo badly. I scraped mortar, insulated walls, sanded walls, hauled barrows of stones, pointed walling, cleared ditches, pick-axed drains, painted walls, dug and set flower beds etc, etc with no heating, electricity and no toilet or sink for the first year. It was horrific. I will forever be haunted by the suffering and misery of those years.

But, I thought it would all be worth it. I thought it would all pay off, even though I was raging inside at all the other ladies who has all this slog and physical labour done for them, by men, all they had to do was walk in the door of their finished new homes. And they are idolised by their partners, in spite of them never ever even dirtying their hands. They wouldn't even know what the work I did was, not a mind to do it. They wouldn't even know what I was talking about. And still, I am the one with nothing.

I had gathered so many unique ideas, pictures, furniture, knick-knacks, fabrics etc, etc for my "dream home" for the past 6 years, but now they are all just thrown waiting. Waiting for him! All my money, ideas, belongings, years, tears, heart break, disappointments, rejection and back breaking slog - in vain. I am completely broken down- mentally and physically. Why is he so heartless, cold and completely uninvolved?? You'd think he'd pity me, or even feel sorry for me and for all I have sacrificed and done for him.

His own home situation isn't ideal either, but still it doesn't make him want to leave and finish our house with me. I do his washing for him, iron his clothes for him and land dinners in the door to him. But, I get nothing back in return. Nothing.

Obviously there is no affection from him. I have given up on that years ago. He drinks a lot which I hate, but recently he has started sneaking out on weekends to go drinking with horrible, immature, wasters of "friends". He denies it when asked about it, inspite of me smelling the alcohol from him. I loathe lies and deceit and he knows that, but still continues to do it.

He knows that he has my heart, my dreams and my self-esteem destroyed and still no change. I am fit to collapse every day from crying, fighting and screaming at him.

It's blatantly obvious that he has no repect or feelings for me whatsoever. Nor never had. But, I just cant face a break up and loosing my dream house. The thoughts of leaving the house to rot, (He won't sell it and it's in his name and so is the mortgage), that I have put my life completely on hold for, and sacrificed everything for, makes me break down and cry for hours on end. I cant crawl out of bed.

The rejection, broken heartedness, broken dreams and shame of way it has turned out, and my resentment of 12 years of my life being stolen off me - all for nothing!

I will never get back what I put into that house. All the years, tears, money I have poured into it, all my items and my back breaking slog there day in, day out, 7 days a week (no exaggeration) for years! Even if he would sell it, I could never cope with that - with some stranger in "my" house, admiring my ideas, my features, my slog - all finished and done for them. even the thoughts of that makes me sick. That would be the final blow for me!

What am I going to do?? This is such a horrific nightmare for me. All I want a secure home, secure, stable, loving husband and children to love. He knows that I soo badly would love children, and is well aware of my "biological body clock", but, he still won't grow up and be a man.

Thanks ever so much for taking the time out to read this far. I really appreciate your time and any potential advise that you might offer me.

Daisy M

I am genuinely sorry that you are feeling so miserable but I want to point out that all this misery is self imposed and its not going to change unless you change. This man is not right for you its hard to see you how you would be this unhappy on your own. You speak about wanting children, is it really fair to knowingly impose this man as a father to any child? You need to cut your losses and move on. You will lose a lots more than the value of a house if you choose to stay with him.

Your remarks regarding other ladies and their partners and homes are uncalled for, they didnt create the situation your in, you and your boyfriend did that, the way they lead their lives has no bearing on you.

ManOfMystery

OP, I have to agree with Daisy M's post above.

Your situation is a horrible one to be in, and this man sounds like he has very few redeeming features. Nonetheless - you yourself had every opportunity to end this relationship at any time, and from your post above it's obvious there were huge warning signs along the way. Many people would have walked after 6-7 years of the relationship not going anywhere, never mind get to the point where you have to buy your own engagement ring and leave it on a shelf until your other half decides he might get around to proposing.

Similarly, you can't justify having all this rage at women who simply walk into houses bought/built/paid for by their partners. This isn't their fault. You're angry at your own situation and projecting onto them.

This man is clearly an opportunist, and he's obviously taken advantage of your good nature over the years whilst giving back very, very little. But he never forced you to do any of these things. You've allowed yourself to be walked over, OP.

The question now is, where do you go from here? Are you simply going to give up, and lets things meander on as they are? Or are you going to salvage what's left of your self-worth, get rid of this sorry excuse for a boyfriend, and try to have a life for yourself?

Chinafoot

DaisyBeeton wrote: »

It's blatantly obvious that he has no repect or feelings for me whatsoever. Nor never had. But, I just cant face a break up and loosing my dream house.

Dear me.

Why are you so focused on this house? Yes you put a lot of time, energy and money into it but at the end of the day this is his house. Staying in such an unloving, dysfunctional relationship for a "dream house" is pathetic. You are so focused on this idealised dream house/husband/kids that you can't see that you will never get anywhere close to it with this man. He sounds like he's a means to an end for you in this perfect little life you've imagined for yourself.

Your relationship is over and by the sound of things has been for a long time. Do you think moving into this house is going to give him a personality transplant or something? Do you think getting married will do the same? Wake up OP. If he hasn't changed now, after 12 years, he's not going to any time soon.

Not only have you kept yourself in a dead-end relationship, you've actually done your very best to make it as complicated as possible to remove yourself from it. You had to talk him into building a house together, you bought your own engagement ring and then left it on the shelf for 5 months til he proposed, and now you're talking about how much you want kids! You have dragged this man kicking and screaming to the point you're now at and you can't understand why he hasn't changed?? He doesn't want the life that you want. He has gone along with it and given how obvious your desire for this perfect house/husband/kids seems to be, I actually feel a bit sorry for him.

Look OP, you want him to grow up and a man when really you need to grow up and be a woman. You are in a crappy situation of your own creation but you seem so bizarrely focused on this stupid house that you are ignoring the fact that this man will never make you happy. If you want the house that badly buy it from him.

The language in your post is so "woe-is-me, my life is so hard, I'm crying every single day" and yet, there you are, staying with a man that clearly has no interest in the things you want and all for a house. This house isn't going to make you happy. Finding someone who wants the same things as you will make you happy. It's not this man. Let go of the house and walk away.

ash23

OP I was in a similar albeit less crappy situation where I was the one driving the relationship forward and he was the one hitting the brakes.
I lost my "dream home" and being honest, years later, that stings more than the loss of the relationship.
Don't get me wrong the relationship ending, I'd never felt hurt like it, but that passed.

He is never going to be the man you want him to be. You might eventually coax him into the house, into the marriage and into parenthood. But he will still be the same person. The only difference will be that you'll be a decade older, tied into a marriage and mother of his children.
You can either get deeper into this mess or you can get out but that's your choice.
If you think it would be hard to walk away now, just think how it would be if you were married with kids.
Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with this man?
You are in love with the idea of the relationship, what you think it should be, not what it actually is.
And believe me,I know how that is. I did it for a few years myself. And now, with the clarity of hind sight I can tell you a few things.
1. He won't ever change
2. A house is just a house. You can make a home elsewhere
3. You think being alone is bad and scary. It's not. It's an adjustment, granted, but it's much better than being in a relationship like you're in now.
4. I am so glad I never married him and never had his children. I am so glad I got to walk away.
5. I will get it all in the end. I will have the house, the babies, the wedding. But I will have it with someone who loves me and who I love. Someone who does all the things I always wanted my ex to do but without me coaxing and cajoling. If it takes a man that much convincing to marry me and build a home with me, he DOES NOT love me.

daisybelle2008

DaisyBeeton wrote: »

He knows that he has my heart, my dreams and my self-esteem destroyed and still no change. I am fit to collapse every day from crying, fighting and screaming at him.

No, you have destroyed that yourself. Your, post is shocking. The amount of self-absorbed pity and resentment you carry for a situation that is entirely of your own making is frankly astonishing.

I am looking at it thinking, is she for real?

You stay with someone who leaves you unfullfilled and unloved, crying every single day and you point the finger of blame out side yourself?

You did all that work to the house without even being on the mortgage? And you say you talked him into this?

The reason those women you are 'raging' with are in fulfilled relationships is because they wouldn't put up with what you describe. Don't be bitching about them because they have enough standards to only stay in mutually satisfying relationships.

It has been your choice to endure this misery because you didn't want to be lonely. Seriously, there are very few people who would make the same choice you did and expect it to work.

Newsflash, only stay in a relationship because it is working out and is satisfying and loving, that is all you need to do.

What is wrong with you that you think 12 years of demonstrated unhappiness is going to suddenly turn into a great love story? That is not how it works! Honeymoon period comes first and then hopefully settles into a mutual loving respectful and satisfying partnership.

People treat you the way you let them.

Throwing yourself a big pity-party and your over the top martyrdom is not going to help. To be honest I do not think you 'love' this guy at all. I think you are holding him at some kind of emotional ransom to give you what you think you have earned. He seems to be doing his best to escape, but does not seem to have the b*lls to. (You smell his breath to see he was drinking with his immature mates???). He does not seem to have a backbone and seems to be happy enough for you to manipulate some pointless direction in this sad saga.

You really should see a counsellor or something, I dont' really know. This situation makes your nature seems to be kind of bitter and scornful, which I am sure would improve if you started to become more independent and self-reliant on yourself for your own happiness.

Happiness is an inside job, you need to put as much effort into that now as you did slogging on someone elses house. It is not something you 'work' for for 12 years and expect someone outside yourself to hand it to you like a prison sentence.

Miss Fluff

Chinafoot wrote: »

Look OP, you want him to grow up and a man when really you need to grow up and be a woman. You are in a crappy situation of your own creation but you seem so bizarrely focused on this stupid house that you are ignoring the fact that this man will never make you happy.

Couldn't agree more.

And OP while I feel sorry for you because you are evidently upset, I agree with what other posters have said above as this entire situation and your resulting unhappiness is all because of the choices YOU have made. You also have the choice to leave this man and turn things around for yourself. That's what I'd be doing. Forget about the house. Move on and start afresh, you're only young. To stay in a relationship with a man who clearly has no interest in you or your happiness all because of some house? It's bizarre in the extreme. You're not really in a position to moan about it if you don't decide to do anything about it tbh so I'd be cutting your losses if I were you.

Beruthiel

Daisy,

This is going to sound harsh, so don't read any further if you don't want to hear it.

Your b/f is an asshole and not the man for you.
You cannot change someone and you cannot make them love you.
However, it does not take 10 years to realise this.

You must now call a halt to the self pity and realise that you chose to stay with him.

As for this house, it is four walls and a roof.

If you are lucky, you will live for another 50/60 years or so.
Are you going to spend that time being as miserable as you are now?
Or, are you going to pack your bags and leave?

I started my whole life from scratch again at the age of 30.
Best move I ever made.
I'm a gazillion times happier.

Start today.
And don't look back.

Neyite

I'm in one of those relationships that you envy -one of those loved up couples that have a bloke doting on me.

Do you know the difference between you and I? One single choice I made some years ago after being with someone who was bad for me, who would drag me down, and with whom I would have a miserable existence with. I chose to cut my losses, and work on my self esteem and self-respect through counselling. I lost money, possessions, pride, and my dreams and nearly my mind by leaving. It was far from easy at the time, but it was by far the best thing I ever did for myself. I was turning 30 and I knew I couldnt turn 40 being in the same sad place with a man who would throw the odd scrap off affection my way.

I got counselling and gained self-worth. Now, I would not last a week with a guy like your boyfriend before I kicked him to the kerb, whereas before, I was exactly like you - doing everything in the hope that it would somehow be reciprocated.

You are too easy - I dont mean that in the traditional sense, what I mean is that it is too easy for him to treat you so bad. There are no consequences for him - in his head it doesnt matter how badly he treats you, you wont leave him, stop feeding him, stop building his house for him, or stop doing his laundry. Stop being the doormat for him.

You are there until he meets the one he wants to settle down with. Then he will move her into the house you slaved over without a qualm. She gets to walk in the front door without breaking so much as a nail. Dont you want to have moved on before you are subjected to that? You are worth far far more than this - leave him to his house, his life, and move on to bigger and better things.

DaisyBeeton

Thanks ever so much to everyone who has taken the time to reply to my post.

I can bearly see the screen with crying. Each of you are so right in all that you are saying, but it's so difficult for me to be blatantly told what I already have known, deep down, for years. But, instead of getting the strength to face the reality of the horrific situation, I suppose I subconsiously choose the less hurtful route of trying to ignore it, "get over the hurt", forge ahead, hoping it would improve. That was the easier option rather than facing a heart breaking, soul destroying break up. But, look this is where the "easier" route has got me now.

Anytime I told my parents about what was happening, all I was told was never to leave the house after all I had invested in it, and to stop moaning. I was continuously fobbed off. I used to be told to "Shut up and put up", literally, and that no relationship is rosy. After years of being told this, I obviously eventually started to believe it. It was engrained in me. So, I believed that I was only" moaning" at him to be nice to me, to get engaged/build a house/get married blah, blah. So, yes, I accepted his ill-treatment of me.

Today alone he has phoned me and texted several times trying to lure me back, again, with the same aul record playing that he is sorry and that he will change. I am soo sick of this.

I don't know where I am going to get the strength needed to face what lies ahead of me.

Thanks guys.

Miss Fluff

DaisyBeeton wrote: »

I don't know where I am going to get the strength needed to face what lies ahead of me.

You're suggesting that what lies ahead is something negative. Your life is going to start to infinitely improve the minute you cut ties with this man and with his house. If anything you'll have a palpable sense of relief that you're no longer driving down a proverbial one-way street. Being in a loveless relationship is infinitely more lonely than being single.

ManOfMystery

The strength is inside you. You've demonstrated already that you want things to change by coming on here and reaching out for advice, but none of us can do it for you - you and YOU alone are the one who has the power to take action.

As you've said above, it's all too easy to coast along in relationships and ignore the problems, hoping that there will be some miracle and the sun will appear from behind a cloud sometime down the line. That rarely happens. If anything, it gets darker. I'm guilty of it too, and I've let dead relationships linger on for too long in the past - but I've learnt my lesson. Usually relationships are at their prime in the first few years, and after that it takes a bit more effort and work to keep them alive ........................ it sounds like your partner has put zero effort in.

No-one is saying it will be easy to rid yourself of this man and move on with your life. It will be a big change for you. But instead of letting it frighten you, think of all the positive things that will come with it : freedom to do what you like, when you like. No more waiting on him to do things which he never will. No more wondering what your future is going to be like based on what empty promises this man makes. Freedom to meet someone who will make you happy.

Your future is whatever you make it. So get this "put up and shut up" attitude out of your head (your parents were wrong to preach that, incidentally), make yourself #1 priority, and start making changes in your life. There's nothing to stop you apart from your own hesitation.

ash23

OP it will be a big change and initially it will be hard not to go back to the familiar set up you've always had. Especially if your family aren't supportive.
God knows I faltered a few times.
Do you have friends who will be there for you when things are hard?

You still live at home right? Could you consider moving out and getting your own place? My parents were like yours a small bit, aghast at the idea of me walking away from the house but they just wanted for me and my daughter to have a secure home.
I found a total change easiest. Changing my life in lots of ways.
I got a new set of friends, a new social life, a new house, a new hair style and a new wardrobe. I reinvented myself a bit and it made it easier in a way. I took steps towards becoming the person I wanted to be. Fake it til you make it as they say.

daisybelle2008

DaisyBeeton wrote: »

I don't know where I am going to get the strength needed to face what lies ahead of me.

Thanks guys.

You find the strength in yourself.

Ask yourself if you truly loved this man. You say you lavished him with unconditional love. But yet you are fit to collapse every day from crying, fighting and screaming at him. Nagging, screaming and fighting with someone for 12 years to get them to change into someone else, is not love.

Ideally learn how to be happy and secure in yourself first and then find someone on the same wavelength, that you don't have to 'change' into your ideal man before you will be happy.

You seem to have a tendency to blame others them for your poor choices.
Now it's your parents for telling you to stay for the house. Be careful with that, you are not going to learn much from you last 12 years with that attitude. Your attitude towards other women (raging with them), his friends (immature wasters) is frankly bitter and only damaging to yourself.

You are a big girl, no-one should be able to 'lure' you with empty promises, unless you completely choose to ignore reality.

Don't get bogged down trying to make him the asshole villain here either. That won't help, you picked him for the last 12 years so that is only going to reflect back on yourself negatively. Just acknowledge that you are not suited at this time and wish him well with everything and move on.

It will be much easier if you don't milk this for drama, retribution, blame and self-pity.

Big Bag of Chips

Can I ask why you can't still have the house?

You're building, right? What/how much has he contributed to it so far? Can you buy him out/refund him?

You don't need a house to be finished to live in it. You need heat, electricity and running water.

We are in our house 3 years with our 3 children. We still have no kitchen! We have a sink, a cooker, fridge, etc, and a few free standing presses... we will have our "dream" kitchen, when we can afford it... for now we are making do!

We originally moved into 2 rooms of the house.. a sitting room, (of sorts!) And 1 other room, that was a bedroom. And then bit by bit we finished the other rooms and slowly moved into them.

(so I definitely didn't walk into a finished house, and did my fair share of getting my hands dirty and ferrying & carrying!)

Have you considered living in your house, without him? Why wouldn't you?

LegacyUser

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Can I ask why you can't still have the house?

OP's partner has the mortgage on the house, not her.

She could possibly claim a share, but in no way would the house ever be hers unless he sold it to her.

Big Bag of Chips

Type Oh wrote: »

OP's partner has the mortgage on the house, not her.

Oh, ok... I missed that. Sorry to say OP, but that's a very silly move on your part. You convinced him to build a house (with you and your potential family in mind), and then didn't put your name on it?

You probably could fight it and claim part of it, but I think at this stage you'd be better off cutting your losses, learn the lessons and move on.

How are you holding up now?

nowyouresix

OP: while you are at the end of your tether, be glad that you have realised all that you have now. You CAN start again. You simply cannot make someone love you, ever. Everything you did, you see it as an investment as if there should have been a return. Love doesn't have a balance book like that. You cannot be someone's mother and lover all at once. The resentment you feel is like a ton weight on you. Take a minute. Breathe. Imagine if that weight was lifted off you. I know what it's like to do do do in a relationship, thinking that if I just do this maybe he'll see what he has... But like I said LOVE doesn't work like that. It's a hard lesson. A very hard lesson. But you know something, you will get back on your feet again, believe me. Now you know your limits of how you will be in a future relationship, and how you won't allow yourself slip in to the same ways. Like some other posters said, a house is simply four walls and a roof. You haven't ever lived in it, brought your first child home to it....come home from honeymoon to it.... It's a building. Let it go.
What I really advise though, is to get some professional help. If you are feeling so broken, have a word with your gp, take a little time off work, and regroup. Get some counselling too, it will help you immensely.
You are worth love, but it hasn't come yet. Start loving yourself by being honest with yourself.

Good luck!

Chinafoot

DaisyBeeton wrote: »

Anytime I told my parents about what was happening, all I was told was never to leave the house after all I had invested in it, and to stop moaning. I was continuously fobbed off. I used to be told to "Shut up and put up", literally, and that no relationship is rosy. After years of being told this, I obviously eventually started to believe it. It was engrained in me. So, I believed that I was only" moaning" at him to be nice to me, to get engaged/build a house/get married blah, blah. So, yes, I accepted his ill-treatment of me.

OP, please start taking responsibility for your own actions here. Your decision to stay is just that, your decision so there is no point in placing the blame on your parents. You said you talked him into building this house 4 years ago, thats 8 years into your relationship! Surely you knew at that stage that things weren't going to pan out the way you wanted. You talk about your parents as if you've had 12 years of brainwashing that this is how relationships are meant to be. Your parents and anyone else on the outside can fob you off all they want because ultimately the responsibility lies with you. What did you want your parents to do? Give you permission to leave?

Beruthiel

DaisyBeeton wrote: »

Anytime I told my parents about what was happening, all I was told was never to leave the house after all I had invested in it, and to stop moaning. I was continuously fobbed off. I used to be told to "Shut up and put up", literally, and that no relationship is rosy.

Back in the day, people who married in Ireland had no choice but to stay with the person no matter what.
Be they an alcoholic, abuser, gambler, asshole. You just sucked it up and lived with the hand you were dealt.
I've seen many an old couple who made each others lives miserable. And for what?
We have moved on from that thankfully. We all now have a choice.

I don't know where I am going to get the strength needed to face what lies ahead of me.

What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger.
This move won't kill you and it will make you stronger.
I moved from a comfortable house to a bedsit, yet, you couldn't take the grin off my face. The weight off my shoulders was palpable.
It wasn't easy, but I got there.

You will be doing yourself the biggest favour of your life.
The only thing you have to think about now is you and your new life. Ignore anyone who gets in the way of that.

btw - do not carry the regret with you. The past cannot be changed and dwelling on it will melt your head.

LegacyUser

Reading your post was really hard, i really feel for you and your situation, but you cannot wallow that your life is not working out as planned!

You have gotten this far by your own merit and with an twat on a boyfriend. This man sounds horrible, he lies, shows no emotion, has left you financially wanting, wont commit.He is not your EQUAL. You will find a man who will want the same things and will treat you like a princess

You need to figure out all the legalities of the house, once you have this done you need to go to this man and end it, move on with the house project, move into your house but most importantly move on with your life. Don't let this situation beat you. Take everyday as it comes, you will have bad days, very bad days but then you will start yo have good days again and eventually you will come out of this fog and clearly see what you had and that you are so much happier.

The very best of luck

neuro-praxis

DaisyBeeton wrote: »

The reason my name isn't on the mortgage is because I have a Disability and can't work full-time

I will never get back what I put into that house. All the years, tears, money I have poured into it, all my items and my back breaking slog there day in, day out, 7 days a week (no exaggeration) for years!

Daisy I get that you're heartbroken but I'm not sure you are attuned to reality. It sounds as though you manipulate circumstances in the hope that you will get exactly what you want out of them. Your life is only going to take shape if you begin taking responsibility. Instead of defending yourself here, why not just start taking some of the good advice and getting your life back on track.

It doesn't even sound like you love this man. He was just your ticket to some fantasy. A fantasy that is part of the entire fantasy world you live in where you have a disability that won't let you work full time and yet you have been involved in multiple years of backbreaking labour 7 days a week. I mean, come on. Get real.

ash23

DaisyBeeton wrote: »

He tells me that if I leave him that I will never have anyone, as most people our age are all married with kids, or at least in longterm relationships. And all I would end up with is some leftover "creep". And that my Mr Perfect doesn't exist. And where would I live? He is just trying to convince me to stay where I am. What tortureous mind games!

What am I going to do??

Thanks guys.

Okay, you need to stop focussing on the house. Yes, it will be hard to walk away from it but is a house really worth years and years of misery with this man?
In the current market you are actually quite blessed that you are not tied to this house. I am tied to a mortgage and a property with my ex (for almost 4 years now) and for god knows how long more because of the market. It means I can't buy a house, get a loan, get tax relief on my rent, apply for local authority housing etc etc. It has loads of implications. I wish I could walk away. You can and I know it doesn't feel like it but that is a blessing because you can sever all ties with this man. There is nothing to bind you to him. no house, no children. You can end it and there will be no aftermath other than the pain of the breakup (which I am not underestimating but houses, kids, marriage all complicate a brreakup and have it drag out for so much longer).

You're early 30s right? I'm almost 30 and no, not all my friends are married. I work with 3 single men who are all older than me. I have no doubts that there are a massive amount of single men in their 30s and 40s around and none of them are "leftover creeps". And not being smart but it's not like your fella is a prize catch!
Where would you live? Where are you living now? Not with him in your house anyway?
His arguments are weak and just a way of scaring you to stay with him without him having to make any changes. And you're buying into it.

daisybelle2008

DaisyBeeton wrote: »

Hi,

I worked night and day for years at the house like 20 workmen. 14 and 16 hours per day, then drive the 30 mile journery home, to face it all over again tomorrow. I wanted it soo badly. I scraped mortar, insulated walls, sanded walls, hauled barrows of stones, pointed walling, cleared ditches, pick-axed drains, painted walls, dug and set flower beds etc, etc with no heating, electricity and no toilet or sink for the first year. It was horrific. I will forever be haunted by the suffering and misery of those years.

You'd think he'd pity me, or even feel sorry for me and for all I have sacrificed and done for him.

Not sure what disability allows you to do the work of 20 men 14 to 16 hours a day for years, and spend the rest of the time screaming, crying and fighting with your boyfriend (all your descriptions). But maybe get that disability reassessed and see if you can get a job. Gainful employment would take a fraction of that effort.

What do you mean by 'where will you live?'. Sure aren't you living with your parents now?

You seem to want everyone to pity you and side with you against this 'monster' of a boyfriend who has you trapped against your better judgement. You haven't a good word to say about anyone (your family, him, his family, his friends, other women). Maybe generate a bit of consideration, gratitude and kindness to others and you will get that back! Not all this Poor me, me, me.

You are two adults who have deluded yourselves that your dysfunctional relationship is worth staying in far past it's sell by date. What do you expect?

There is not a person on this forum, lonely, single or in a relationship that would swap shoes with either you or your partner in what you describe.

It sounds absolutely miserable for both of you. If you are not suited, move on, you don't have children.

So you didn't put your name on the house to save your self some euros? Really what do you expect, if you put a value on material things above your own well being, it rarely pays off: I mean this devotion you have to bricks and mortar.

The world is not going to fix this for you. You have to fix this yourself. Seriously, it is a blessing that you are not tied to negative equity and custody battles now that you are the 'victim' of these 'torteous mind games'. Look at what Ash had to go through to move on. You are free to move on instantly.

Maybe get your GP to organise a cousellor or psychiatrist for you on the medical card. It will help I imagine.

Big Bag of Chips

The solicitor at the time gave you very bad advice in not putting your name on the house.

Regardless of what your financial circumstances were, any solicitor worth his salt would have insisted that if you were not married you both put your names on the house to protect yourselves. (my friend wasn't a first time buyer when she bought a house with her bf.. who WAS a first time buyer. They wanted to put just his name on the house so as to avoid stamp duty as a first time buyer. The solicitor wouldn't allow it because they weren't married at the time. He said he couldn't allow her to not have her name on it, because she would have no claim to it. Now she was contributing largely to the mortgage, so maybe that was why? But it cost them THOUSANDS in stamp duty...)

I think he went down the wrong route with the "gift tax" thing. You were still contributing to the house.. so it was never a gift. Or maybe the solicitor didn't know you would contribute anything to the house. And that's where he was going with the "gift tax"?

Either way, you left yourself exposed by not having your name on it, and investing do much in it. At the time it made sense, (you saved yourself 7000). But now with hindsight you can see that it WAS a silly move, (because you've lost much more than 7000) and I would hope if you were in the same position again, you would do things differently.

Anyway, that's all by-gones now. Nothing you can do about it. So time to try pick yourself up and move on.

Allow yourself the time to grieve the loss of your relationship, and the life you imagined you'd have. But be careful not to wallow.

Accept that you made mistakes, and learn from them and don't make them again.

First lesson you should learn...don't "settle" for a bf who doesn't respect you. I'd rather be single than be made to feel like crap from the one person who is supposed to love me.

Edit: Everything he is telling you about people your age being married, and only creeps being left, and you being alone.... he is projecting! He is talking about himself and how he feels. He's only staying with you to avoid being one of those leftover "creeps"... it might be a good enough reason for HIM to stay in a relationship, but is it good enough for you. Walk away, and don't look back. You're not happy, and haven't been for a long time. There's no reason to prolong it.