Loneliness

James W

I'm a gay man in my thirties living in Co Meath. I've been an unemployment statistic for a while now, and since finishing up a college course last May I've been basically doing nothing except applying for jobs. I put a fair bit of effort into applications, writing decent cover letters, etc, and rarely receive an acknowledgement. Mean-minded recruitment agencies don't even bother responding to emails or calls. I live in Meath because it's the only place I can afford to live given my current circumstances - I have no connection with this area and my nearest friends are 30 miles away in Dublin.

I find at this age, having never been too attached to the gay scene, that many of the people with whom I used to socialise with are married with young families, and so their lives are now quite different to a few years ago. I find being gay a pretty lonely place - it's really difficult to meet gay people for friendship - particularly in Co Meath - and there is nearly always a sexual agenda. In addition to being out of work and having feck all money with which to do anything, I'm in a very isolated and lonely place. There are often days and usually weeks when I do not interface with another person. I'm an interesting guy, chatty, affable and well educated, with interests ranging from politics to sport and many other things, yet there is rarely anyone to have a chat with over coffee or dinner, or to go and see a flick with - things most people take for granted - things I once had in abundance.

Over the last few weeks I've stopped getting up during the day and have taken to blocking all of the light out of my bedroom - I don't want to be alive anymore. I feel ashamed to be seen out during the day when I should be at work and I try to go to the post office to collect my social welfare at a time when it will be empty. I'm moving further and further from people because I find when I spend time with someone the void which follows is pretty tough to deal with. I feel unloved and unwanted and unnecessary - if I wasn't alive I don't think it would make a difference to any other person. There was a time when I thought I was lovable, but not anymore. I could be dead in my apartment for quite a long time before I think anyone would even discover me. The last text I received was on 18th January (and yes I haven't sent any either) and the last call I received was from my Father on 13th January. It's as it I've fallen through a crack in the earth and disappeared.

Until Christmas I went to the gym daily and took care with my appearance; I felt hopeful. I spent Christmas day alone because my parents were overseas. I think Christmas highlights very starkly all that is missing from one's life and I found this year incredibly difficult. I literally sat alone and cried, so lonely did I feel. Since then I haven't been to the gym, days can pass without washing and I go to the takeaway at midnight for food. In my heart I've given up and stopped caring. It's as if my motor has broken - the hope on which it had been running has been used up and I'm starting to believe that I'm washed up and have nothing to offer myself or anyone else.

I realise the above sounds like a prose in self pity - I don't feel any pity for myself so this was not the intended tone. I know I need to reach out but I just do not feel up to doing so in person. Any words of advice, or suggestions, would be welcome. Unless something changes and the dark clouds recede, I don't believe I will make it.

Thank you for reading.

"Please help the cause against loneliness Would you like to note my home address ? Please help the cause against loneliness Would you kindly note my inside leg ?
Oh, I don't mind what time you come round If it's the daytime then I might be in bed - oh I'm so very young I am so really, really young ... oh, oh" - Morrisey

Intouch9

Hey there...

Thanks for posting and for your honesty. It was very brave of you to register and come here to voice your feelings so well done.

What exactly is it that you're looking for? If you could plan how your life was going to look one year from now, what shape would it take?

Also, have you tried talking to those friends that you're not as close to anymore?

Slang_Tang

Over the last few weeks I've stopped getting up during the day and have taken to blocking all of the light out of my bedroom - I don't want to be alive anymore.

This sounds like clinical depression. I've been here. You need to see a GP right away.

If you're on social welfare, you should have a medical card. Please, go and talk to your GP. Don't let him just put you on medication, though. Ask to be referred to a counselling service. You have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of, and it sounds like the most important thing is for you to get a support structure in place immediately.

James W

Intouch9 wrote: »

Hey there...

Thanks for posting and for your honesty. It was very brave of you to register and come here to voice your feelings so well done.

What exactly is it that you're looking for? If you could plan how your life was going to look one year from now, what shape would it take?

Also, have you tried talking to those friends that you're not as close to anymore?

It's easy to be honest behind anonymity of the internet! Also, it's surprising what pain can prompt and produce.

In response to your last question, many of my friends were social friends and they no longer tend to socialise as they're raising kids, etc. They've moved on, I guess. Others I avoid, because I feel like a complete failure and I'm embarrassed at my current predicament - they've given up trying to contact me at this stage. I know therein lies the kernel of something - assuming that people see my value based on external factors rather than just liking me for being me and clearly this is how I'm viewing myself.

In a year's time, I'd like to be living in Dublin back at work within my professional area and just getting on with my life - fairly basic aspirations really. I realise that I'm worn out, that my sleep patterns are all over the place and, quite honestly, I don't think I'm presently in the right frame of mind or have the mental energy to take on the type of job I do.

Also, I guess, I'd like to meet someone genuine and worthwhile. Id like to have a home and to share a life with someone.

James W

Slang_Tang wrote: »

This sounds like clinical depression. I've been here. You need to see a GP right away.

If you're on social welfare, you should have a medical card. Please, go and talk to your GP. Don't let him just put you on medication, though. Ask to be referred to a counselling service. You have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of, and it sounds like the most important thing is for you to get a support structure in place immediately.

I'm extremely reluctant to use anti-depressant medication. I've never suffered from depression and I'm reluctant to put chemicals into my body to treat what may not be a chemical problem. I do agree, however, that I need help and I can see myself that the way I'm living is not condusive to efficient functioning. I will however speak to my GP.

Intouch9

Hey, thanks. It looks like you've identified what you want and the obstacles that are currently facing you. You should, as slang_tang said, talk to a GP.

Have you spoken to any of your friends about what's going on for you?

James W

Intouch9 wrote: »

Hey, thanks. It looks like you've identified what you want and the obstacles that are currently facing you. You should, as slang_tang said, talk to a GP.

Have you spoken to any of your friends about what's going on for you?

I haven't - I guess I'm very much a typical male in that regard. Thanks!

Intouch9

Yeah, it can be hard, but definitely worth it. What do you think would happen if you did talk to one of your friends?

Untense

James W wrote: »

I put a fair bit of effort into applications, writing decent cover letters, etc, and rarely receive an acknowledgement.

Can you be doing any more than that? I mention this because you say:

I feel ashamed to be seen out during the day when I should be at work

The truth is you shouldn't be at work. It's impossible for you to be at work if you don't have work. I say this because it's painful when we fight reality, or believe circumstances are supposed to be different than what they are. Is having no work crap? Yes. But having no work and wrongly thinking you're somehow supposed to have work when you don't is much much worse.

Does this mean that you won't get work? Hell no, but accept first of all that you are where you are right now and there are thousands of others in the same boat and there's nothing wrong with it. It's not your fault. The situation you're in sucks but you're doing your best and it will change.

Others I avoid, because I feel like a complete failure and I'm embarrassed at my current predicament - they've given up trying to contact me at this stage. I know therein lies the kernel of something - assuming that people see my value based on external factors rather than just liking me for being me and clearly this is how I'm viewing myself.

Therein lies the kernel of something indeed! Notice that there is one person thinking about you in those terms and that's YOU. Perhaps even if you are just projecting it on to others, or could it be a point of view you actually do have of yourself? This is the 'examining' part of life that yerman Socrates was bearding about when he said, "an unexamined life is not worth living". Probably because when we don't examine what's going on, life can be awful.
But for sure you can see that how you're perceiving (or imagining other people to be percieving) is nothing more than a point of view, no more accurate or inaccurate than any other. This one however, hurts.

I have no connection with this area and my nearest friends are 30 miles away in Dublin.

....

there is rarely anyone to have a chat with over coffee or dinner, or to go and see a flick with - things most people take for granted - things I once had in abundance.

We're social creatures and we need people in our life. Simple as. I'm sure right now everything feels like a massive big deal, but it'll change.

I'm moving further and further from people because I find when I spend time with someone the void which follows is pretty tough to deal with.

You've got it the wrong way around! That contrast feeling isn't telling you that meeting people is bad, it's telling you that going back to 'the void' as you put it, is bad. You need more people and contact in your life so that you can see and contact them more often, and the only way to do that is by reaching out like you're doing now.

I think you should be doing this more than sending out CVs right now. But something seems to be preventing you from taking this step.

I'm starting to believe that I'm washed up and have nothing to offer myself or anyone else.

Well that's just a whole load of rubbish. I don't know you from adam. The only thing I have to go by is how you arranged a bunch of letters on the screen and I still thought, "hmm...he writes really well." You obviously have talents, personality and a bunch of that other stuff that people tend to like. You're not short on likeability, you're short people around to like you. But of course that's hard to see when you're feeling bad and that feeling colours everything you look at. Including yourself.

I know I need to reach out but I just do not feel up to doing so in person. Any words of advice, or suggestions, would be welcome.

I believe you've identified another key thing here. And it makes sense that right now you wouldn't feel up to it, given how you feel right now. But it's one of those vicious circle things, and you need to start moving away from the thing that's keeping you in the circle. Identifying what keeps you there and exploring it. I think posting this here was a good start.

Keep reaching out and things will quickly change. If you want a hand with the examining part give me a PM, it's what I do and I'm pretty good at it.

Barna77

James W wrote: »

I'm extremely reluctant to use anti-depressant medication. I've never suffered from depression and I'm reluctant to put chemicals into my body to treat what may not be a chemical problem. I do agree, however, that I need help and I can see myself that the way I'm living is not condusive to efficient functioning. I will however speak to my GP.

No need for chemicals or medication. i suppose it might depend on the case, but the head can be sorted without prescription drugs. Believe me.

Been through a lot myself, and I know it sounds cliche but there's always a solution.

Best of luck

James W

@ Untense, thank you for taking the time to write such a detailed post.

I agree that it's a vicious circle and I know that my perception is at fault -reality reflects our own consciousness and all of that malarkey. Whether you believe you can or cannot, you are right - basically! I tend to think to the point of over thinking and while I don't agree that the unexamined life is not worth living, it is probably not as well spent as it might otherwise be!

Being out of work and short of money is restricting my life in practical terms but it is also dragging me down in terms of my self esteem, etc. Sure, I can rationalise that every person has an intrinsic value irrespective of their external circumstances, but I just don't feel good about myself because of my present circumstances - or the reasons for them.

When I wake in the morning I just think of the hours that lie ahead with nothing much to do yet, in terms of the bigger picture, I'm not sure what it is I really want to do with my life. This, in turn, renders my motivation inconsistent and I end up feeling haywire, inconsistent, messy and useless - basically I beat myself up over it, which makes me feel even worse. It sort of goes like this - I apply for a job today because I think it's what I want or should want but, by the time the interview comes around, I may not be able to summon up the motivation to even bother attending. There are times when I think I'm immature - although I don't believe so - and there is a strong element of not seeing a point or purpose. If, for example, I had children to support, I could see a purpose to justify holding down a job that may not set my heart on fire, but as it stands I don't. There was a time when the lure of material possessions and money provided sufficient motivation but it proved to be meaningless and just doesn't push my buttons anymore. I seem to be missing that spark which would propel me to get off my ass and really go after something. I know when the hunger is there I can be very resourceful and determined, but it seems to completely elude me these days and has done so for sometime.

I realise that the foregoing presents as a complete contradiction - and that's how I feel - conflicted! It's actually liberating to put this in writing because I don't think I'd ever chance saying it to any person! In reality I don't come across as flighty but as a fairly solid, sound sort of guy, yet inside I feel haywire. As a manager said to me a few years ago "consistently inconsistent". Am I just lazy and feckless, do I expect too much from life, am I a bit thick or lacking in self awareness? I really don't know, but I do know that something is missing.

I need a Socrates to apply a line of inquiry which might apply some logic to my complete lack thereof.

James W

Barna77 wrote: »

No need for chemicals or medication. i suppose it might depend on the case, but the head can be sorted without prescription drugs. Believe me.

Been through a lot myself, and I know it sounds cliche but there's always a solution.

Best of luck

Well, if I'm going to take a chemical, I'd like to be certain beforehand that my body is lacking in same! Then again, perhaps they wouldn't do any harm... I don't know, to be honest.

baby and crumble

Hey OP, I have moved this to Personal Issues where I think you might get better repsonses for your particular issue. All the best (and hi to the PI mods!)

B&C

Vanderbilt

The OP appears incredibly gifted at prose. From the OP's posts he's obviously a very talented and intelligent individual. I've no idea how an appropriate job to match your skills hasn't come your way. Perhaps the job market is too small in Meath.

Re issues surrounding loneliness, I don't have much to add to the sound advice given by other posters in this thread thus far alongside the level of clarity and understanding the OPs displays of his own situation. There are lots of complicating factors at play for the OP. Not diminishing the difficulties he's clearly facing, but most people are juggling very similar issues, some better at masking it than others.

I think for anyone in the OPs position it is important to remember not to be afraid to challenge convention. To paraphrase our current President 'we are at our best when we are questioning the inevitable'.

All the usual caveats apply: don't be afraid to fail, don't be afraid to reach out to people, many of whom will surprise you.

The Very Best of Luck OP.

rotti oRiley

I was in a similar situation to you and I did local voluntary work just to get out of a rut. I led to a few jobs. If you're trained in a specific field I know it might be boring to you but at least it would get you out around people again. The first few times it felt like peeling my skni off but it got better, i didn't realise how far i slipped until I got back out there.
I also made new friends, no one profound, but people to meet for a coffee now and then.
I hope you feel better soon as I know what it's like to suffer from the black hole in the soul:)

Wompa1

Have you tried befriending straight men? At least then you can be sure that it won't turn sexual. That is assuming it's men you are looking to befriend.

To be honest, I've been finding the same with befriending women at the moment as a straight man. It resulted in the end of my last relationship, a female friend got pretty forward and my g/f couldn't handle it and thought something had happened. I'm going to stick to friends that won't try to f**k me for a while I think.

With the whole unemployment thing, have you considered moving for work?

James W

rotti oRiley wrote: »

I was in a similar situation to you and I did local voluntary work just to get out of a rut. I led to a few jobs. If you're trained in a specific field I know it might be boring to you but at least it would get you out around people again. The first few times it felt like peeling my skni off but it got better, i didn't realise how far i slipped until I got back out there.
I also made new friends, no one profound, but people to meet for a coffee now and then.
I hope you feel better soon as I know what it's like to suffer from the black hole in the soul:)

Thanks mate. Went to my GP yesterday and going to give medication a try for a while - it might help. She is also doing a range of blood tests, including vitamin B, to ensure there isn't any medical cause. I don't know what is wrong with me - I'm waking up feeling extremely low for some reason. There are times when I don't care and don't care that I don't care - if that makes sense. I really is a black hole where spirit, life, God, whatever it is that pushes us along, seems distant to the point of being absent. I have given very serious consideration to ending my life - I would just like to disappear without any fuss and not be missed. I know what you say about voluntary work makes sense but the way I feel these days, I can't be arsed. It's desperate.:o

Vanderbilt

Glad you went to the Doc OP. I hope things begin to improve for you quickly.

Can I ask OP, if you could wave a magic wand, what would be the three main things you would like to change in your life instantly.

If, at a guess it's along the lines of 1) Job 2) Social Circle 3) A greater understanding of your place in the world.

1 and 2 are attainable in the immediate to short term. As mentioned before it may require migrating towards employment hubs which will also provide a greater opportunity to increase your social circle. What can you do to achieve this? Can you upsticks and head towards one of the cities? There are lots of challenges in getting a job in Ireland, but there still exist lots of opportunities. Go create some for yourself and start feeling good about life. You deserve it as much as anybody else and can achieve it just like anyone else. Put the effort in (continue with the CV rounds) and a certain amount of fortune/luck/serendipity or whatever you want to call it will come your way. Get talking to people in your area of work or the area you aspire to work in. As Woody Allen said "Showing up is 80% of life".

Where we all fit in the world has me stumped too..! I get fed up over it myself at times but I'm willing to give it as long as it takes. My faith is that we all have a purpose.

Good call on a trip to the Doc. Also, think you should reach out to someone close to you or a person who was once close to you. Start talking.

All the issues you face are surmountable. Its an absolute bitch to be dealing with them all at the one time but you have to give your best, close to your best or at least a shot.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

Was really moved by your post and felt compelled to write a response if even just to empathise with your position. I was unemployed for a while and I can really relate to those feelings of shame that it can bring despite the fact that we a re experiencing one of the worst economic crisis ever. I remember meeting a friend for a drink after she had finished work and being over come with this feeling of shame being out in the world without working. I tended to isolate myself too. The non-response in relation to sending in CVs and time consuming cover letters is sole destroying! I too felt like I didn't exist and began to take it personally when I inevitably didn;t get a response. Its bad practice but a reflection of the current market.

Am glad you went to the GP and are getting treatment to help you through. I understand your reluctance to take medication but consider it a temporary measure just to get you back on your feet. When we get depressed we get caught in these viscicios circles and it become difficult to see any positives as out thinking has become so negative. Research would even say that being depressed can alter your neural pathways so that it is almost impossible not to think negatively.

I will bullet point the rest of my post to save time! A couple of questions if a friend came to you with your situation what advice would you give them.

My advice for what its worth in no particular order.

Ask about a a free/low cost counselling service

Exercise - can't stress this enough. I know you don't feel motivated to do it but the thing with depression is that you have to do it first and the motivation will come then. Its counterintuitive- we say will do it when feel better but you have to exercise and you will feel better check out getirelandactive.ie - loads of listing for your area. Join a running club, go for a walk - there are tons of options. Just do it.

Sleep - try and keep regular sleeping patterns. Try and go to bed at a normal time and get up early. Listening to morning radio is nice. I know sleeping can pass the day but oversleeping and day sleeping are not good for depression.

Plan something to do with your day -spend morning applying for jobs, walk, grocery shopping exercise.

Go to a coffee shop and read the newspaper.

Make an effort to engage with people you meet in shops etc. though you don't feel like engaging with people once they engage with you can feel less disconnected.

Prepare nice healthy meals - doesn't have to be expensive. Take an interest in cooking if you haven;t before. Lots of recipes on the internet.

Write a blog

Music

Volunteer

Take a free course

Reach out to a family member or someone you trust.

Be honest - you are having a hard time and are unemployed which is really tough. People are generally very sympathetic to this its US who are hard on ourselves.

Try mindfulness meditation -you are very much in your head and those negative thoughts drive us crazy. Remember what we think influences how we feel and behave. if we think we are a failure we will feel bad about ourselves and behave accordingly.

Keep a jounal of how you are feeling. Note what worsens and improves your mood.


Read Sally Bramptons "Shoot the damn dog" and find an aware meeting. www.aware.ie

Obviously some of none of this might be helpful to you! Start off slowly and be kind to yourself! Viscious circles can be reversed. If you start exercising you will feel better about yourself and that has ripple effects.....


Good luck OP. Carpe Diem. Remember tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life.

The fog will lift, be patient and kind to you!

xx

peter barrins

This post has been deleted.

gaa131

peter barrins wrote: »

This post has been deleted.

I second all of the above - sometimes intelligence can be a burden!

Depression can cloud logic and make everything look hopeless and pointless when it isn't the case. Hopefully the anti-depressants will help recast your vision of the world and make you see that you have place in it and a role to play. It's good to think and to analyse but don't overdo it!