Dreading second semester in college.

willfromcork

Hi! I began college in September and for the first few weeks I thought everything was going good. I was happy but I knew things could be worse.
I need to explain about my school life first in order to tell my story.
I was really badly bullied at school for many reasons.
At home I live in a very untidy house which meant I could never have a friend over. I managed to cover this up when I was younger but it got harder when I was older. This might not seem like a problem but this meant I was really isolated from people from school outside of school hours so I got very little time with people.
This on top of being a really ugly guy I had no confidence and was constantly mocked about the way I looked and how I was thick. Well I did have a speech impediment when I was younger and this was a problem also.
The bullying got so bad during secondary school I just isolated myself away from everyone. I skipped a lot of 6th year. However I managed to get enough points for the course I wanted in college.
I said to myself this is my chance to change now. I did everything possible to make an effort with the people in my course and I thought I got on very well with people up until a few days before Christmas. I never really clicked with the guys I lived with but I made and effort with them and we are housemates.
In September I found out a guy from my town was staying in the same apartment complex and I thought we sort of got on. Over the first few weeks of college I thought we had become good friends and now I know he was using me and putting me down to people from my course behind my back.
As I said earlier I live in a very messy house and he showed girls from class on google street view. This spread around class quickly during November but I had no idea he did it.
I did this guys assignments for college and woke him up on morning he had to be in and I feel so betrayed. What really hurt me was. I gave this guy unlimited access to my laptop because he had none and I had no problem with it. A few days before Christmas he was in my room and I had to leave fast to go and meet her and he never logged out of his facebook account.
I returned a few hours later and I sat down and went on facebook straight away . One of my so called friends said 'What you up to' I answered back but I noticed in the previous message that my name was in it and then I noticed I was logged in his account and the thing he wrote about me was horrible. I really did think he was my friend and I found out he was spreading lies about me say I was gay and mocking the way I looked.At this point I could feel the tears building up and I kept on reading. I know I shouldn't but I did he had this chat with a few people and they spent the whole time mocking me and I didn't go to sleep that night it was the night before the final exam and I just lade in bed and thought about how all the people I thought were my friends weren't It really hurt me. I did my final exam the next day and I say it didn't go well I couldn't focus at all. I headed back to the apartment and packed my bags and went home.
I have to face this place tomorrow evening and I have no idea how I am going to do it. I never every felt this bad at school because I knew I would be at home soon. I don't have this here and I don't know how I am even going to be able to look these people in the face.
Any advice?

saa

Don't drop out because of him, You need to go to your welfare officer asap, I know you're hurt and it is hard to talk to someone who doesn't know your situation about this so maybe you could send him/her an email, not detailing too much but basically

Hi I'm [name] I'm a first year in [course]. I'm in a situation at the moment where another student seems to have been going out of his way to make things very difficult for me. If we could meet up this week for a chat that would be great.

Thanks in advance,
[name]

I grew up in a house that was a mess, when I went back to my town the people who would have tried to make a laugh out of it before grew up a bit this guy unfortunately hasn't. But trust me do not drop out of college, these oh your house is, your family is, you're poor, you're gay kind of jabs usually don't fly in college.

At least this is only one jerk who needs to be stopped, I guess you're in the same college that makes it easier, just take as many screen shots, jot down as many times and dates of incidents you can remember before he takes anything down online.

He will be threatened with being kicked out of college if he continues to do this, and he can't just move to another school this is his course he wants to be in hopefully he doesn't want to mess it up for himself.

Its cheesy but join clubs and societies, things going around college are quickly forgotten, just try and get away from the group of jerks that are usually in each course that don't do the club or society you want to.

And don't fret I didn't make friends until I was in third year, I'm not the best looking broad but no one ever made fun of me because of it, this is not like school and your "friend" is going to learn that pretty quickly.

James W

Will, you poor guy, I wish I could go to your college and sort things out on your behalf.

The first thing that you need to realise is that this guy is a f*cking pr*ck and you are a sincere, genuine guy. Secondly, the fact that you were isolated and bullied in secondary school could mean that you havent the confidence to assert yourself and are taking too much sh*t in the hope of making friends - don't do this - you need to start believing that you are fine as you are and that others will like you for who you are. You also need to realise that you have value and worth, and the same right to be on this earth as any other person. If you don't value yourself you can be absolutely sure that nobody else will do so either. You need to have faith in yourself and trust that confidence and certainty will come in time. It can take a while to shake off bad memories of secondary school but college can be a really constructive experience, where you will grow as a person and discover your talents and who you are. Under NO circumstances should you drop out because of this issue. You need to confront what it is you want to run from the most - it won't be easy but it WILL be worth it. It's only by stepping outside of our comfort zone that we grow in confidence and discover new things about ourselves and our abilities.

As for your messy home - so what, big deal, get over it - honestly! Remember there are many kids coming out of homes which are cosmetically perfect but where life within is absolute misery. In fact, at this stage in my life, I can safely say that there is no such thing as the perfect childhood or home, because there is no such thing as a perfect person or life! There were friends I grew up with whom I considered to be much more fortunate than myself only to learn later that there was all sorts of sh*t going on in their homes. I'd rather a messy house with love and respect than a pristine one without - be thankful.

Now, to practicalities - do not make a major issue out of this - contain it. I think you should seek advice from the college chaplain rather than the welfare officer. Explain the situation and tell them you do not want a fuss but you need it to stop. If you are nervous then initiate contact via email. It may be that a one to one chat with this bully will do the trick. In any event have nothing more to do with him - you do not need "friends" of this calibre. My experience of college was that the norms in secondary school, particularly in relation to bullying, were not tolerated by the majority of students. I'd wager that this guy has insecurities and issues himself otherwise he wouldn't feel the need to make your life a misery.

Finally, if you're leaving your laptop, even for a minute, 'ctrl, alt, delete' and lock it!!

Keep the faith and start learning to believe in and like yourself. You made it this far and you can make it the rest of the way.

MissFlitworth

willfromcork wrote: »

I don't have this here and I don't know how I am even going to be able to look these people in the face.
Any advice?

Just bare in mind that what you're looking at is a nasty, sad idiot (& his little idiot buddies) who was stupid enough to mock you whilst using your laptop & forget to log out of his facebook. You have nothing to be embarrassed about.

I know you feel about an inch high at the minute and mortified that your friends aren't what you thought they were but you have just had such a lucky break. If you only found out this person was a fool after a couple of years rather than after a semester of college you'd wasted lots of your college time around him/them. Head up when you go back, if you aren't happy living near yrt man (and you're in student accom.) then request a move. You are better than these people & you *are* going to make really good friends in college, you've just learned the unfortunate lesson that idiots don't stop existing after secondary school. I second the recommendation to go to your college chaplain, counsellor or welfare officer. They're there to look after you through college, you won't be the first person to come into them with the exact same thing after happening.

Take care of yourself, head out to some societies & clubs and make new friends. Or if your college has a forum on boards head over there to talk to people who might become IRL friends (you'll find the uni/college forums here)

BattleCorp

Congrats on getting into college so obviously you aren't thick, especially if you missed so much of 6th year.

Secondly, anyone behaving like that is no mate and, to be honest, I wouldn't p*** on him if he was on fire if he stabbed me in the back and wrote that crap about me.

However, I wouldn't let him run me out of college. I'd cut him out of my life and just move on. We make friends, lose frends etc all throughout our lives. You'll manage just fine without him in your life.

Most of us haven't grown up with a silver spoon in our mouth. Our house was a kip when we were growing up but at least we were always fed and taught to be decent people (like you), not petty little tw**s (like him) looking to impress other people by running other people down.

If you can prove that your mate is writing things about you online, saying that you are gay when you aren't, then I'm sure he is committing a crime. If he wrote it on facebook, then there's a record. Tell him to stay the f*** out of your life or you'll report him to the college authorities or the gardai (or go ahead and report him if you are so inclined).

You'll be fine, just get out and about meeting people, be yourself, do as many extra-curricular activities as you can (without neglecting college), and things will soon improve.

James W

BattleCorp wrote: »

Congrats on getting into college so obviously you aren't thick, especially if you missed so much of 6th year.

Secondly, anyone behaving like that is no mate and, to be honest, I wouldn't p*** on him if he was on fire if he stabbed me in the back and wrote that crap about me.

However, I wouldn't let him run me out of college. I'd cut him out of my life and just move on. We make friends, lose frends etc all throughout our lives. You'll manage just fine without him in your life.

Most of us haven't grown up with a silver spoon in our mouth. Our house was a kip when we were growing up but at least we were always fed and taught to be decent people (like you), not petty little tw**s (like him) looking to impress other people by running other people down.

If you can prove that your mate is writing things about you online, saying that you are gay when you aren't, then I'm sure he is committing a crime. If he wrote it on facebook, then there's a record. Tell him to stay the f*** out of your life or you'll report him to the college authorities or the gardai (or go ahead and report him if you are so inclined).

You'll be fine, just get out and about meeting people, be yourself, do as many extra-curricular activities as you can (without neglecting college), and things will soon improve.

Well I agree that it's important to stand your ground with such people, but responding to a bully by being a bully is a waste of time. Do not go the the Gardai or give this anymore oxygen than is absolutely necessary - you need to deal with it, but contain it. You don't want a reputation around the college for being the guy who had another student fecked out of college and hauled in by the Gardai!

lace

Hi OP!

First off - you sound like a very decent, intelligent guy. You're being mature and articulate and you got into your course so obviously you're not thick. Let's just get that out of your head right now because whoever made you believe that was definitely mistaken. Being bullied in school often leaves a permanent mark on one's self esteem but you need to see that you're so much better and so much more intelligent than you know. Coming from a messy house means nothing - some of the most talented, funny, smart people i know would label themselves and their background "poor".

Secondly - This guy is a complete idiot. People like this usually don't last very long in college. Bullying on the level of secondary school nonsense generally isn't tolerated in college. People on your course should (and, hopefully, do) know better than to heed any of the crap he's been spouting. You can't see the conversations your classmates are having with each other about this but my guess is that anything negative said is going to be about him, not you. People are probably talking about how horrible and stupid he's being. Don't worry about being able to look people on your course in the face again. Just because he said these nasty things about you to them doesn't mean they agree with it and just because he showed them your house doesn't mean they'll think any less of you.

I would really advise talking to your college counsellor or student support services. You don't have to ask for any action to be taken against him (the college probably wouldn't do much anyways). It might help to just talk the whole thing out with someone who's there to listen and bound to confidentiality. They may also be able to help you get past your bad experiences in secondary school and feel happier and more confident in yourself. I'd also advise taking screen shots of everything nasty he's done/said and keeping a record of it just in case you ever need them.

If this whole situation caused you to be unable to perform to the best of your ability in an exam then you can appeal your exam results or apply for extenuating circumstances to be taken into consideration in your case. If you talk to the counsellor (or student support service) they will be able to validate your claims and advise you on this process.

As for what to do right now, it's vital that you do not let this stop you from getting on and doing well in college. You're probably going to hear this many times but the best thing you can do is join clubs and societies and get involved as much as you can. It's always a little scary at first - especially if you're only joining in the second semester - but it's always totally worth it. You'll make loads of new friends and clubs and socs will provide you with lots of opportunities to get out of the house in the evenings so you'll see less and less of this a**hole. If being around him is bothering you too much, you could always try to move but my advice would be to just try to ignore him as much as possible and find new (better) friends.

Sorry about the long reply, I really hope things work out for you.
In the meantime, keep posting on Boards. Lots of people around here are very sound and very helpful.