In 6 months, things fall apart...

LegacyUser

Registered user going unreg'd for this one.

I'm a 23 year old male.

For the past year, I've been living in a house that I share with 3 of my close friends. This was the first time I had moved out of my parental house (I was 22 when we moved out) and I have loved it. There have been times when I felt like throttling them, but for the most part, it has been the best. I love the independence, the responsibility... everything. Add to the fact that we're also very good friends and we can trust each other. The house is also pretty much ideal for our purposes; it has some minor faults and stuff, but for 4 early-20's guys it could not be closer to perfect. It is also within close enough proximity to our respective paternal homes, it is within proximity to our work, it is near public transport and everything.

Our lease is up on the 4th of February, and we have negotiated to renew for 6 months. I was under the impression that my mates were dragging their heels to try and negotiate a better rent rate and stuff, which is why they did not sign on for a year-long stint.

Ok, now the problem rears its head. One of the guys I'm living with is, without a doubt, my best friend. He's helped me so much in the past and I'd do anything for him. What he's done for me, I'd follow that man into the Gates of Hell. I really love spending time with him and that's why it's so cool that we live together. I had always assumed (from talking with him about the subject at length several times) that if/when we moved out of the current house that we would seek another place to live, either all of us, 3 of us or even just the 2 of us splitting a place.

A couple of days ago, my best friend dropped a bombshell on me; he is going to move home after 6 months, back to his parents' home. This, coupled with uncertainty as to what my other friends would want to do, has left me feeling like I've just received a date of execution due to be carried out in 6 months. I cannot move home to my parents' house, no way.(that's a job for another thread entirely) And I do not have many like-minded friends who I would want to share a house with.

But what is really tearing me up is not being able to see my best friend every day anymore. This was one of the best things about the house; just spending time together and sharing our lives. Now I fear that this is going to be gone. This really upset me. I am not a person who cries a lot, but I wept uncontrollably this morning when I was alone in the house. I sobbed and sobbed, unable to bear the thoughts of all of the predicaments that will land on my lap in 6 months' time; not living with my friends, being forced to move back to an unhappy and emotionally abusive home, losing independence and responsibility, losing a lot of privacy that I get in this house, and losing that daily contact I had with my best friend... It really is getting to me. I went through a whole pack of cigarettes in about an hour... I don't smoke that much either, but this has been getting to me so much.

I don't know what to do. I work 2 jobs but I would not have enough money to find my own place, and I don't think I could find somewhere else that would measure up to this place I'm in. I love this place and I really find it hard to imagine leaving.

I want to think that my friend will change his mind and we could stay living together, but I know him and once his mind is made up, that's it. He's like the little brother I never had, I swear to god. I know people will say "Oh, you'll still see him a lot", but the way life is and how busy I can be, I know this will be a lot harder. I want to stay living with him, but if his mind is made up, I don't know what I can do.

Sorry for this long post, but I needed to sum it up as best I could... thanks for reading.

Big Bag of Chips

There are more options than moving home, or living on your own, or just living with friends! Look in the paper, look on websites there are loads of places where you can rent with others.

I know first time after moving out of home its nice to have the security of friends to live with, but now you've done it, now you know you CAN live independently, the next step is to be independent of your friends.

I don't want to sound mean, but I think living away from your friends, especially your best friend might do you the world of good. It sounds like you are heavily dependent on him, and that puts a lot of pressure on a friendship. Just because you won't live together doesn't mean your friendship has to suffer. It can, in many cases, improve a friendship as it takes a lot of pressure off... and no arguing about who uses more bog roll!

Take this for what it is, the next step in your life. You don't have to go home, but your friend doesn't have to stay renting if its not working out for him. As we get older people change and can go in different directions, but that doesn't always signal the end!

I wish you very good luck, and I hope in time you see this as the positive that it actually is, and not a negative.

Edit: if you really don't want to leave the place you are in then you can advertise your friend's room/rooms in the local paper, shops, online etc. That way YOU get a say in who moves in. It might not be someone you know.. but that might work out great for you.

So many many other options for you.

Miss Fluff

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

I think living away from your friends, especially your best friend might do you the world of good

I agree. The thing is OP that throughout your life you're going to find that people move on and things change. I get that you're upset your friend is leaving the house but as BBOC points out, why don't you use this as an opportunity to stay in the house and fill the room with someone new? It's important to broaden your horizons and make new friends so why don't you embrace this situation and see it as an opportunity to meet new people as opposed to thinking it's such a terrible thing? It's not good to be so dependent on one particular person.

Ickle Magoo

By reading the thread title, I thought something catastrophic was looming on the horizon when in actual fact it's nothing more dramatic than a change of house-mates.

I think you need to pull back a bit from your best friend anyway for your own good - talking about his wish to move home as your stay of execution just sounds way OTT. People grow up, grow apart, get more independent, get partners and families - friendships mature and become less intense and I'm afraid that was always something you were going to have to accept sooner or later.

Have you got much going on outside the house? I'm just wondering if your unhappiness at home has led to you putting much more stock in this share than the usual place to lay your head...

ash23

Room mates will come and go OP. That's just the way it is. I had countless houses and room mates in the years I was in college. I moved more times than I can count. And when I wasn't moving, other people were moving in and out.
It's just life. You need to try to be more adaptable and independent.

baby and crumble

No matter what, OP, you're entering that period of your life when your friendships will change. Mid 20's, people tend to be getting into more serious relationships, moving in together, buying houses, having kids. On the other side of the spectrum is that of moving countries in order to get a job or further your career. Once you hit 24/25, life changes. It's scary as hell when it happens, but it does happen. You can't live with your best friend forever- to quote Joey from Friends- you're not Bert and Ernie!

Your friend obviously has his own reasons for moving home. It's his choice, OP, just as it's y ours to not move home. What you have to do now is move on into a new phase of your life. Clearly, living independently suits you, so you need to keep doing that. If you can't afford your own place, then why not stay in the house you know, advertise for new people, and get on with it that way? A word of warning though: be prepared for new flatmates to not want to be 'best friends'.

You had a nice easy introduction to living on your own- the buffer of people you know and get on with. But like I said, you can't flat-share forever, and you can't depend on people forever either, which is what you're doing with your best friend. You're coming off as very dependent, which at 23 is not healthy.

Embrace this as a chance to experience something new. It might work, it might not, but life moves on no matter what- you can't stop it and if you try, it'll just end badly.

tinkerbell

OP, you need to take a step back and re-read what you've posted here. It is not healthy to be that devastated that your best friend has to move home. Yes it's a bummer but you have to just get on with it. In fact I think the separation will do your friendship a world of good because you are way too intense. Describing him moving out as a date of execution for you is ridiculous. You are treating it like he is the only reason for your existence. In fact, the way you are treating it is if a marriage or long-term relationship has broken up.

So, do what the others suggested - stay in the house you are and advertise for people to move in. Your best friend is not going to be around you 24/7 forever, it was always a short term thing. You're in your mid 20s, people get into relationships, move in together, want to go travelling, etc. You just have to get on with it. Your friend has his reasons for moving home. I really think though that the break will do you good. You're an adult and crying your eyes out because your friend can't live with you anymore, that is way too OTT. So take a step back, embrace this opportunity as one to gain your own independence and things will be fine. Good luck.

LegacyUser

OP here again...

Just some more info on myself, in case I sound overly pathetic or anything; I'm a college graduate (from UCD). I have employment. I have my own car. I have a wide circle of friends (but admittedly, very few truly close friends). I am not very shy or anything, in fact I'm quite out-going and loquacious normally.

But I will admit I suffer from something of a self-esteem problem; ever since I was a kid, my parents always put me down and nothing I ever did was good enough. They never raised a hand to me, nor did they deprive me of anything. Quite the opposite; I never wanted for anything, nor did I ever need anything. From the outside, I was a happy kid. Inside I was a scared, frightened little boy who was never loved. I'd have given up all the material things I was provided with in my childhood if I could have been loved. I did everything to try and please my parents but nothing did. I had successes in sports, academia, music... and it was always sub-standard. This also came from my extended family; an aunt of mine had a phrase to describe her 3 'perfect' sons: "My ducks are swans". So what did that make me??? nothing more than an ugly duckling in their eyes who never amount to anything else.

The first person I truly felt a meaningful connection with was my best friend. We've known each other for years and we've been there for each other through everything. When I say that I 'love' him, it is NOT in a romantic sense, if anyone thinks that there is a gay romance brewing. Very much not the case!!! I love him like a brother, and he feels the same way. We've always talked about how we're going to be each other's best man at our respective weddings in the future. How we're going to be godfather to each other's kids. etc. Just a truly great friendship.

I admit it sounds melodramatic and so on, but it is not. This guy is such a good friend to me, it's not even funny. He was the one who got me onto my feet and convinced me to move out of my parents house; he got me a job; he was there for me when I was going through a very big crisis in my personal life and he was the shoulder to cry on, the rock to lean on and just the most amazing support ever. He is an amazing person and he is like my brother. Am I dependent on him? Damn right I am. Without his support, encouragement and just friendship, I shudder to think where I'd be. I only wish everyone could have friends like him.

As for the house-share thing not working, that is the secondary problem really. I'm still very new to this (despite my year experience in it) and would still be slightly nervous about living with strangers. But I would consider the idea of maybe trying to get another person to move in with us if need be... Might be an avenue worth considering.

But thanks for all the advice. Sorry if I sound a bit whiney or anything, but I really do feel awful about this at the moment...

Taltos

OP - I am not sure you got the warning from earlier.

You are maybe unconsciously placing this friend of yours in a no-win situation.
No-one deserves to have to much responsibility pushed upon them, no matter what they may have done to help you be the person you are today.

I am strongly recommending that you reach out as soon as possible to a counsellor - someone to help you through this. You need to learn your own self-worth, you need to learn that you can survive on your own and that whatever may have happened to you in your childhood you are stronger and bigger than that.

Basically - I really think that the strength of your conviction and obvious connection to your friend runs the huge risk of burning that friendship out really damn fast, whether you want it to or not. As crap as you feel right now - could you cope with doing that to yourself? (That is something that has me concerned for you).

This might be harsh - and I apologise if it comes across as such - You are not being fair to your friendship or to yourself. You and only you have responsibility for your life - either the ups or the downs. Take this change in circumstance as the great opportunity it is to grow more and to learn to be happier with who you are or even to find who you really are and to be the person you deserve to be.

Big Bag of Chips

OP, I know you say you never felt loved by your family, but it seems you are now substituting all those years of missed love and trying to cram it all into/out of your friend.

I agree with Taltos completely, you are in very very real danger of burning this friendship out.

You are much too intense about this. It comes across very obviously in your post. If it is that clear in just your written word you can be damn certain it is even more blatant in your actions.

You are pinning all your worth on this one guy, and that is not fair on him. Him moving out is not the end of the world. And something he is perfectly entitled to do without you making him feel guilty about it.

My best friend reacted badly to me on a few occasions. When I finished college I got a job about 100 miles away that I was very excited about. She ruined it for me by her reaction. She was very pissed off that I was moving. So rather than be happy for me that I was happy, she was more worried about herself and the fact that she wouldn't see me all the time. That really really annoyed me, and 14 years later I still remember her reaction, and am often wary of telling her anything that means a "change". Because I know very often her reaction is to be pissed off at me, regardless of how good the change is for me.

What I'm saying is, even though she is my best friend of 20 years, (we did the bridesmaids/godmothers things!) her reaction to things in my life has damaged, I suppose for want of a better word, our friendship a bit. I can't live my life just to please her, I have to do what's right for me. We are still best friends by the way, but now I just ignore her little sulks and carry on regardless!

Don't put too much pressure on your friend to be your saviour.. he will only end up backing off a little.

Stavro Mueller

Not to be cruel or anything but is there a possibility that one of the reasons your friend is moving home because of your intensity of feelings towards him? To be honest, I think most people would freak out if they had friends who felt as strongly about them as you do about your pal. Taltos has hit the nail on the head - you do run a very real risk of burning this friendship out. I second the suggestion that you seek counselling. You should not be bawling your eyes out like this just because your best friend isn't going to be living with you any more.

You need to recognise that your fixation on your friend is unhealthy in the extreme. How would you cope, for example, if he met a girl and started spending lots and lots of time with her? Or if he had to emigrate or move for a job?

Go get counselling and learn to stand on your own two feet. Put an ad on daft and in the paper. Advertise for new house mates and take it from there. Begin a new life that doesn't revolve around your friend.

Chinafoot

OP Again wrote: »

The first person I truly felt a meaningful connection with was my best friend. We've known each other for years and we've been there for each other through everything. When I say that I 'love' him, it is NOT in a romantic sense, if anyone thinks that there is a gay romance brewing. Very much not the case!!! I love him like a brother, and he feels the same way. We've always talked about how we're going to be each other's best man at our respective weddings in the future. How we're going to be godfather to each other's kids. etc. Just a truly great friendship.

OP, most people don't live with their best friends and still manage to have a "truly great friendship." Your connection with this bloke isn't going to be severed because you're no longer living together. You don't need to live in each others pockets in order to have a close friendship.

Your childhood issues need to be dealt with by a professional. Your friend isn't qualified to help you through those issues and your self-admitted dependence on him must be incredibly draining for him. I agree with the poster that suggested your intense friendship may be part of the reason why your friend is moving out.

I apologise if this seems harsh OP, but I actually think you're being very selfish. Your friend tells you he's moving out and you have an emotional meltdown and all you can think about is how this is going to affect you. You won't get to see him everyday, you will have to leave the house, you will have to move home to an emotionally abusive situation. It is not your friend's responsibility to ensure your happiness. Only you can do that.

I would strongly urge to see a professional of some sort because I don't believe this is a healthy reaction to what is essentially not a big deal.

rotti oRiley

cymbaline wrote: »

Not to be cruel or anything but is there a possibility that one of the reasons your friend is moving home because of your intensity of feelings towards him? To be honest, I think most people would freak out if they had friends who felt as strongly about them as you do about your pal. Taltos has hit the nail on the head - you do run a very real risk of burning this friendship out. I second the suggestion that you seek counselling. You should not be bawling your eyes out like this just because your best friend isn't going to be living with you any more.

You need to recognise that your fixation on your friend is unhealthy in the extreme. How would you cope, for example, if he met a girl and started spending lots and lots of time with her? Or if he had to emigrate or move for a job?

Go get counselling and learn to stand on your own two feet. Put an ad on daft and in the paper. Advertise for new house mates and take it from there. Begin a new life that doesn't revolve around your friend.

I second this and that of the other posters. Someone acted with me as you seem to be with your best friend. It didn't bode well and I eventually buckled under the strain of having to hold this person up. They seemed to think I could sort out everything for them.

Get thee to a counselllor who can give you the tools you need to better your self esteem, otherwise it'll cripple you as you get older.

A word of caution, if you are this dependant on a male friend, how are you going to be in a relationship with a woman. I mean this with gentle concern and not rudeness but a woman will shy away from that behaviour.

As a survivor of a similar upbringing, to the point where i was told I wasn't wanted, all i can say is help yourself because at the end of it all, everything you do in life will come down to YOU.

Never depend on someone to the point where you can't look after yourself. Again, I say this with cyber affection.

Neyite

Its clear you depend on this friendship, maybe too much. What is it that you bring to the friendship that he benefits from? He sounds great by the way, but sometimes when friends get too intense, it can feel like a very claustrophobic atmosphere. You didnt even say why he is moving home - does he have money difficulties, or responsibilites at home that require his presence, or is it that he needs space from your intense friendship? All you heard was how it affects you, and its not about you. Its about him. Be the friend to him that he was to you.

I have lived in about 18 different rented places, with about 100 very different people. I made friendships, got introduced to music or films that I never would have experienced on my own. I lived with people who became friends, and people who were off the wall. I've lived with slobs and neat freaks. Its an experience that you should open yourself up to. It teaches you a lot about human nature, and how to get along with others, how to be assertive and how to compromise. These people skills transfer to all areas of your life and will stand you in good stead.

Mighty_Mouse

A friendship like that will only every have a limited period of closeness.
They come and go throughout life, as people do.
Enjoy them while they last.

LegacyUser

Hi, thanks to everyone who posted in this thread... I've been giving it a lot of thought and I have kinda calmed down a bit.

I do have a girlfriend, just in case anyone is wondering!!! We have a great relationship, and we've been going out for almost 3 years.

Someone asked what I give to him, and believe me, we rely on each other. It's not all one way traffic. When he broke up with his girlfriend of 4 years when he was 20, he was a broken man. He stayed in my house for like a month and we just spent so much time together. Whenever he was crying and alone, I was there for him and made sure he realised he still had people who loved about him and cared about him. Whenever he needs anything, I'm there for him. We respect each other so much. We support the same Prem football team (POOL FOR LIFE!!!), so we go over to England an awful lot for games. I've been abroad with him both with groups, times with our girlfriends and times just the two of us.

We might spend an awful lot of time together... come to think of it, even when we didn't live together, we spent so much time together. That's what has gone to calm me down a lot. I was panicking a lot, but I did realise that despite it all, we both made a huge effort so that we could spend as much time together as we possibly could. We would always text each other and chat on Facebook or MSN if we couldn't see each other anyway, and that was always grand...

I think that it does read badly, that it looks like we are TOO close, but we just share so many interests and we just love each other's company so much, it's hard for us not to be close. Add to the fact that we've given support to each other through numerous personal crisises, just makes our bond so much closer. There have been times we've fought (what friends haven't) but it's never that serious and it's always over something daft anyway.

I haven't spoken to him about my feelings on this issue at all, not to put pressure nor to guilt him. I wouldn't do that anyway, no way. Talking to the other housemates, we are going to talk in the coming months and see what the complete picture is and try to convince him to stay, but if he wants to move out, that's his choice and we'll all respect it, upset though we may be. Now that the initial shock and 'out-of-the-blue' nature of his declaration has passed, I'm calming down and, while not warming to the idea, am accepting it and looking at the alternatives. Add to the fact that I've been offered a new job with higher wages might make the future a good bit brighter anyway!!!

Stavro Mueller

This "break" is for the best but I'd still be wary of you being too dependent on your friend. You were far too distraught over a minor enough event. You'd' want to watch that.

I still wonder how you would cope if your friend wasn't in your everyday life. Like if he had to move to the other end of the country for a job, went travelling for a year with his girlfriend or moved to Australia? It is inevitable that in the coming years, you two aren't going to be living in each other's pockets the way you have been til now.