Ashamed of myself + stuck in rut

LegacyUser · 26-01-2012 6:56pm #1

I'm a 20 year old male and I hate myself. Just my looks. I think I am the ugliest person who has ever walked the earth and I see no reason why any girl would want to go near me. I have a teeny bit of extra weight and I hate it. It makes me look fat and stupid and despicable. I also refuse to look in mirrors as I hate seeing myself. I've gone days without seeing my reflection purposely, I've brushed my teeth and done toiletries just over the bath or just elsewhere as to not have to look at my face in the mirror. Having to live with me is bad enough, let alone seeing me!

90% of the time my brain is flooded with thoughts of why I'm the worst and most ugly person ever, I'm extremely paranoid, but I don't think I am since everything I worry about seems to be true. I AM ugly, and I know people don't like me for that fact. It's acceptable I suppose I hate myself too. Girls on the street don't look me in the eye, or elsewhere for that matter. It seems like I'm being laughed at. The most horrible blow was on the college bus, a really good looking girl who I liked got on, and there was no free single seats so she had to sit beside someone. She went to go sit beside me, then as she did, she changed her mind and sat beside another guy (of course a much much better looking guy) I had tears in my eyes for the rest of the trip because it actually made me feel like a worthless pile of s.hit

It's the truth but it's hard to accept

I've reclined from social events or hanging out with friends in college, I want to go and be alone and wallow. I like to be alone. Being around people when I'm like this is not fun to me. I'm sick of tired of acting happy and wearing a mask to one person then going off and being the sad and real me alone. It's becoming tiring after so many years of doing so. I'm also a virgin and I have only kissed one girl (which didn't actually count) so technically I am a kissless virgin at 21 (21 in May). All my friends today were talking about their relationships, all the times they had sex, from ages of 16 they said they did it numerous times up until current time, and all the girls they've been with and their teenage dramas with the opposite sex. I had to pretend I've had girlfriends and lie and say I had sex.

I'm an extremely good actor at this stage so I am able to pull off the act of someone who is cocky and confident around people (even though it drains all of my energy and psyche).

Then when I'm at home or alone I come out really. I like my personality funnily enough and I think, strangely, I'm confident, not shy, and maybe a little cocky at times (despite what i think of my looks). I'm comfortable around people (just not pretty girls), so I have no problem socializing or personality wise. The way I see it is, I mastered and formed my personality before I gained weight, so now I have extra weight it doesn't affect my personality, I'm able to have a chat with someone and not make it awkward, I'm streetwise and down to earth etc. It's just I DESPISE how I look, so much so, I don't think any one person could really understand. Everyday I see the real me who is trapped inside and can't come out because he is covered up by my weight and ugliness, the real me can't shine because people look at me and then laugh or turn away, I can't convey myself because I'm not attractive and lack power. I'm an obsessive thinker and I CAN'T STOP THESE THOUGHTS. I don't see my friends anymore as they don't really want to hang out anymore and I've moved on. I want new friends and a new start somewhere.

I'm lonely and fed up of feeling like this. I'm tired of not doing things I should be doing at my age. I want to have relationships and have fun, and mess around like young men do. I want a girlfriend or I just want from attention from the opposite sex. I'm sick of seeing people pull in clubs or talk about their weekends with me and I just sit in and feel sorry for myself every weekend. I've missed out on life! I'm sick of it and I want to go out there and show off who I am but this face wont let me, people don't like me, which is fine. I guess the only thing I have in common with girls is we both hate me

I want to stop wasting time, I coutn down the hours and the days, even years! It's depressing me! People so much younger than me have had sex, and done so much things I haven't, I'm a complete freak and a failure! Sick of wasting time. I can't stand looking at my family or friends, I want to run away and come back soemday when the real me is back, and not this fxcked up person I hate and everyone else hates

I've gone to my GP and he prescribed me ADs, which have no effect in my opinion (on them for about 4 months now). I have an appointment with a psychiatrist in a few months but I only want to talk to a female. I do not want to open up to a male psychiatrist

I don't know why. Is there any way I can arrange this?

About the girl on the bus I really like, she's from my town but I've never seen her around, I think she is quite shy but I think she is really pretty, she's quiet and I would love to just talk to her sometime, I try and smile at her every time I see her but she just looks away from me. But why would she even look at me, I don't blame her so I suppose it's ok! Just an example

Mickey Dazzler · 27-01-2012 3:35pm

Wow mate... allot of self loathing there.

I severally doubt that everybody hates you, why would they?

I don't really know what to say to except you can't expect people to like you or even love you if you don't like yourself.

You need to work on being happy with yourself and when you are the rest will follow. Easier said than done eh??

Maybe talking to a female shrink will help. I also think when you finish college you should hit the road and travel the world.

I travelled allot when I was your age and all on my own and met so many people.

I wouldn't worry about all the sex talk either, do you think you are the only one making this stuff up???

Good luck

curlzy · 27-01-2012 4:07pm

Hey OP,

Please bare in mind that I'm crap at sugar coating things. So here's what I honestly think of your post/problem. It's that you're pretty much obsessed with yourself. I've noticed that it's a common misconception among 15 - 24 year old that everyone is looking at them and thinking things about them etc etc. To put it bluntly OP, you're not that important to anyone else and in your age group everyone thinks the same way as you do. So give yourself a break stop kicking the ****e out of yourself. No on expects you to be the most good looking etc and you obsessing over yourself constantly will put a hell of a lot of women off, just reading your post put years on me. It's all me, me, me, I, I, I, and it makes you seem extremely shallow. So yeah get your head out of your *ss and start looking around you and getting involved. No one cares if you've weight on you or if you're ugly (but I doubt you're either of those things), what they care about is "is this guy fun to be around", with your current thought patterns I can't imagine that you are. So yeah, TL;DR: Stop obsessing about yourself and actually live life instead of whining about it.

Best of luck.

whirlpool · 28-01-2012 4:18am

^^ "tough love" is one way people will see appropriate to tackle this issue.

Personally, I think it's a completely inappropriate route to go down in the OP's situation; although I 100% agree that nobody is thinking about you even a tenth as much as you seem to think they are. Not because they don't like you, but because by their nature human beings are totally self-obsessed. They aren't YOU-obsessed.

Anyway, OP, I remember seeing the actress Anne Hathaway on a chat show last year. She paraphrased a quote she had heard recently, and it really touched something in me, opened my eyes. Here it is. Might be of some interest to you.

"He uses the quote, and I’m paraphrasing, ‘There’s this great myth that’s out there that everyone is enjoying their early twenties.’ and I hated my early 20’s. I was miserable, I was lost, I had no idea what was going on. Compounding that, was that I thought everyone else was having such a great time, so I thought, why am I such a loser? I was so happy that he pulled this quote, that I was just like, ‘Oh no, everyone kinda feels like a loser, they’re just better at hiding it’. They just don’t cry on the subway."

-Anne Hathaway on a quote taken from "One Day," a book by David Nicholls

whirlpool · 28-01-2012 4:24am

I'd also like to add that I have, on many occasions, grown sexually attracted to traditionally-aesthetically-UNpleasing people over time as I got to know their personalities. And I've also become very UN-attracted to traditionally-aesthetically-pleasing people over time as I got to know their personalities.

This happens quite often. Please keep it in mind.

mikemac1 · 28-01-2012 7:24am

weirdo1991 wrote: »

I want to go and be alone and wallow.

I'm lonely and fed up of feeling like this. I'm tired of not doing things I should be doing at my age. I want to have relationships and have fun, and mess around like young men do. I want a girlfriend or I just want from attention from the opposite sex.

I like the tough love post from curzly.
To be blunt OP, what's stopping you? It's January, half the country are hitting the gyms and watching their diets. If you have weight to lose it's up to you.

If you don't like your dress sense then ask a female friend to go shopping with you. Lots of girls would love to head off with you for a few hours and can help you get great clothes. Buy them lunch in a cafe or pub as a thank you.

What things do you want to do? Sports? Meet new people? What's stopping you OP?

And tbh you're not ready for a girlfriend as even if you meet someone you'll spend your time stressing that she will leave you and humiliate you any minute so you'll drive her away.

You need to take action and help yourself OP or you'll wake up one day and realize you're forty years old and in the same situation

All my friends today were talking about their relationships, all the times they had sex, from ages of 16 they said they did it numerous times up until current time, and all the girls they've been with and their teenage dramas with the opposite sex.

Schoolyard talk, a lot of it is lies

Sure you even said it yourself, you're lying and making up stories too, they probably do the same.

About the girl on the bus I really like, she's from my town but I've never seen her around, I think she is quite shy but I think she is really pretty, she's quiet and I would love to just talk to her sometime, I try and smile at her every time I see her but she just looks away from me. But why would she even look at me, I don't blame her so I suppose it's ok! Just an example

Why would she even want to know you OP? I'm not trashing you, you're trashed yourself.
You want to be confident, have something to offer and if you don't think you're worth the time of day then why would anyone else?

EdenHazard · 01-02-2012 3:35am

Duuuude I've been there, not to the extent of you but I remember looking in a mirror in River Island just before Christmas and I nearly burst into tears. I just wanted to be home in my room, everybody I walked past I thought they were judging me. It was one of the worst experiences of my life. I've a picture up here, I'm not Channing Tatum but I think I'm a goodlooking guy(Mayb some mightnt think so but what im saying is theres obviously girls out there that think im goodlooking/'a babe'), so mayb you could be the same? So if a good looking person like me can feel this, mayb you have similar looks and are being way too critical*. It's weird when you hear about people saying guys dont care about looks, then look at us two ha. Seriously man its not how girls view you,(altho I have a bit of baggage with girls, have a hard time dealing with girls not being interested or how they view my looks but thats another story. But yeah I have a friend, i love the guy to bits and kinda feel for him but he's just not good looking at all, i wonder does it get to him ever, but anyway he is LOVED by girls, hes great personality, now I can't say he pulls, he doesn't...yet, but he is genuinely loved by the hottest of girls, so much so I'd say girls would never be like ____ is ugly, I just couldn't see it being said. So dont fret and live life, I really doubt your ugly

*Not boasting just making the point since seems op is a bit like me.

Listen to the song by Boyce Avenue cover of Pinks perfect or One Direction What Makes you beautiful puts me in good mood,

whirlpool · 01-02-2012 3:05pm

EdenHazard wrote: »

I remember looking in a mirror in River Island just before Christmas and I nearly burst into tears.

EdenHazard wrote: »

I think I'm a good enough looking lad

Ha, you're gonna have to explain this one to me.

Regards whether you are "ugly" or not, OP, I actually despise that word. I hate when people say "you're not ugly" to try and make someone feel better, because that is them admitting that they have a definition of what ugly is. And if your self-esteem is low, and you think you're ugly, and you now know that your friends judge people as being either ugly or good-looking, well that is a recipe for disaster for your self-confidence - because you will convince yourself that you are one of those people that they consider to be ugly, regardless of what they say to you.

A person saying that YOU are not ugly, is basically them saying that other people are ugly. I think it's important to abandon the idea of people being "ugly" or not.

Have you ever seen any of those America's Top Model shows? Personally I find most of those "models" very unattractive. They don't look like movie stars or celebrities to me. They often have physically unattractive (to me personally) features that I would not consider "Hollywood" at ALL. Not in a million years would I consider most of those people model material.

But I would never call them ugly. I would never call anyone ugly. The idea of ugly or good-looking needs to be abandoned altogether. We need a new social conscience regarding this idea of ugly and good-looking, because the one we have now is driven by Celebrity magazines and media. Absolutely ridiculous and horrifically destructive. The idea of "ugly" and "good-looking" has destroyed lives, and literally taken the lives of children and teens, as well as adults.

The fact of the matter is that there are loads of people out there who WILL find YOU attractive. Fact. You're gonna have to accept this and stop comparing yourself to "Celebrities" or people around you who you think look like celebrities, because that is such a flawed concept.

So what if you don't score when you go out. Everyone in life has their issues, their difficulties. For you, it's the fact that you go home at the end of the night feeling like nobody likes you. For other people, including people who you consider to be good-looking, it's something else. Some people go home every night to a mother dying of cancer, or an abusive husband or wife or partner. Some of these people who you think are attractive are also feeling completely insecure - fact! I know a lot of them. Some people go home at the end of the night haunted by childhood memories of rape and abuse. Others go home feeling totally worthless and alone.

The point is that everyone has their issues. For you, it's your self esteem about your looks. Don't attach too much meaning to this self esteem issue. It is an issue that you can address, tackle and beat. It's not an impossible mountain that's going to stand in your way for the rest of your life, so don't for one second think that it is. Don't give this issue more weight than it deserves.

You need to forget about the idea of "ugly" and "good-looking." They are the most pointless, shallow terms in the English language and they do NOT deserve your attention - and neither does anybody who thinks otherwise. You are a hundred times better than that.

P.S. I would strongly recommend to you that you go and write down on a list all of the things that you like about yourself, and all of the things that you feel you have to offer the world, and then a list of all the good things that you have to offer a girl. Because it's too easy to forget everything that you do have to offer when you allow yourself to be consumed and obsessed by what you seem to think you DON'T have to offer.

It's important not to deprive the world of what you have to give. And it's important to remember that you should feel pretty damn good about everything that you have to offer, because there are millions of people out there who don't have what you have to give.

whirlpool · 01-02-2012 3:21pm

EdenHazard wrote: »

Listen to the song by Boyce Avenue cover of Pinks perfect or One Direction What Makes you beautiful puts me in good mood,

P.S. Two of my favourite feel-better-about-myself songs. ha

EdenHazard · 01-02-2012 4:00pm

I know ye bit hypocritical, with me I experience highs and lows, sometimes I'd be kinda full of myself then others like that time I felt so bad, and all my insecurities came out, I didn't actually start balling out crying but I just felt so bad and got teary eyed.

Your first post is excellent and makes me think about how I view others, and yeah those songs are cool

James W · 01-02-2012 9:37pm

weirdo1991 wrote: »

I'm a 20 year old male and I hate myself. Just my looks. I think I am the ugliest person who has ever walked the earth and I see no reason why any girl would want to go near me. I have a teeny bit of extra weight and I hate it. It makes me look fat and stupid and despicable. I also refuse to look in mirrors as I hate seeing myself. I've gone days without seeing my reflection purposely, I've brushed my teeth and done toiletries just over the bath or just elsewhere as to not have to look at my face in the mirror. Having to live with me is bad enough, let alone seeing me!

90% of the time my brain is flooded with thoughts of why I'm the worst and most ugly person ever, I'm extremely paranoid, but I don't think I am since everything I worry about seems to be true. I AM ugly, and I know people don't like me for that fact. It's acceptable I suppose I hate myself too. Girls on the street don't look me in the eye, or elsewhere for that matter. It seems like I'm being laughed at. The most horrible blow was on the college bus, a really good looking girl who I liked got on, and there was no free single seats so she had to sit beside someone. She went to go sit beside me, then as she did, she changed her mind and sat beside another guy (of course a much much better looking guy) I had tears in my eyes for the rest of the trip because it actually made me feel like a worthless pile of s.hit It's the truth but it's hard to accept

I've reclined from social events or hanging out with friends in college, I want to go and be alone and wallow. I like to be alone. Being around people when I'm like this is not fun to me. I'm sick of tired of acting happy and wearing a mask to one person then going off and being the sad and real me alone. It's becoming tiring after so many years of doing so. I'm also a virgin and I have only kissed one girl (which didn't actually count) so technically I am a kissless virgin at 21 (21 in May). All my friends today were talking about their relationships, all the times they had sex, from ages of 16 they said they did it numerous times up until current time, and all the girls they've been with and their teenage dramas with the opposite sex. I had to pretend I've had girlfriends and lie and say I had sex. I'm an extremely good actor at this stage so I am able to pull off the act of someone who is cocky and confident around people (even though it drains all of my energy and psyche).

Then when I'm at home or alone I come out really. I like my personality funnily enough and I think, strangely, I'm confident, not shy, and maybe a little cocky at times (despite what i think of my looks). I'm comfortable around people (just not pretty girls), so I have no problem socializing or personality wise. The way I see it is, I mastered and formed my personality before I gained weight, so now I have extra weight it doesn't affect my personality, I'm able to have a chat with someone and not make it awkward, I'm streetwise and down to earth etc. It's just I DESPISE how I look, so much so, I don't think any one person could really understand. Everyday I see the real me who is trapped inside and can't come out because he is covered up by my weight and ugliness, the real me can't shine because people look at me and then laugh or turn away, I can't convey myself because I'm not attractive and lack power. I'm an obsessive thinker and I CAN'T STOP THESE THOUGHTS. I don't see my friends anymore as they don't really want to hang out anymore and I've moved on. I want new friends and a new start somewhere.

I'm lonely and fed up of feeling like this. I'm tired of not doing things I should be doing at my age. I want to have relationships and have fun, and mess around like young men do. I want a girlfriend or I just want from attention from the opposite sex. I'm sick of seeing people pull in clubs or talk about their weekends with me and I just sit in and feel sorry for myself every weekend. I've missed out on life! I'm sick of it and I want to go out there and show off who I am but this face wont let me, people don't like me, which is fine. I guess the only thing I have in common with girls is we both hate me I want to stop wasting time, I coutn down the hours and the days, even years! It's depressing me! People so much younger than me have had sex, and done so much things I haven't, I'm a complete freak and a failure! Sick of wasting time. I can't stand looking at my family or friends, I want to run away and come back soemday when the real me is back, and not this fxcked up person I hate and everyone else hates

I've gone to my GP and he prescribed me ADs, which have no effect in my opinion (on them for about 4 months now). I have an appointment with a psychiatrist in a few months but I only want to talk to a female. I do not want to open up to a male psychiatrist I don't know why. Is there any way I can arrange this?

About the girl on the bus I really like, she's from my town but I've never seen her around, I think she is quite shy but I think she is really pretty, she's quiet and I would love to just talk to her sometime, I try and smile at her every time I see her but she just looks away from me. But why would she even look at me, I don't blame her so I suppose it's ok! Just an example

Why on earth would you expect this girl or indeed any person to like you, never mind want to actually kiss you? If you don't like yourself or, as you say, you "despise" yourself to the point where you cannot look in the mirror, surely to goodness you don't expect that any other person is going to want to look at you or be near you? Logically, this is the end result of what it is you are saying here.

Reading what you've written I'm thinking this guy doesn't need any enemies, he's got himself - you are your own worst enemy. I doubt if there is any person on this planet who looks in the mirror and is completely pleased with every aspect of their physical appearance. In my view, the comments you make about your physical appearance are a metaphor for how you feel about yourself deep down - psychologically. I very much doubt if you are actually ugly - whatever that is - but you feel ugly inside and therefore you see ugly outside too. God does not make ugly things. The real issue has nothing to do with your weight or physical appearance and you have given no hint as to what that issue might be. One thing is clear though, you do not like yourself in any way, shape or form and you seem determined not to ever like yourself. There is actually a great deal of hurt buried inside of you and you're not able to deal with it so, what you are doing is punishing yourself.

The most important friendship is the one we have with ourselves and it tends to be the one we pay the least attention to. We tend to look outwards for a solution to our emotional needs when what we really need to do is to look inwards - but that's hard. This is not the same as knowing when to ask for help and asking for it. At the very least you need to look in the mirror - for at least ten minutes everyday. You need to look at that person as if he was a friend and you need to talk to this friend. If you were a friend of yourself, what would you say to this person? Does this person deserve to be liked, to be loved and to be accepted just as he is? Why?

There is no point in thinking that if some girl kisses you, or has sex with you or even starts to go out with you, that all of your problems will be fixed and you'll suddenly change and start to like yourself - you won't. If we do not like ourselves, if we don't believe in ourselves, nobody else can persuade us to do so. Sure, their positive comments might keep us going for a while but the doubts and issues will return fairly quickly. It has to come from you - from the inside out.

I'd say you would benefit greatly from a good psychotherapist or counsellor as distinct from a psychiatrist and, funnily enough, a male psychotherapist!! The fact alone that you don't want to talk to a man would suggest that this is exactly what you need to do - and you need to be painfully honest. At some level you need to 'man up' - what I mean by this is you need affirmation of yourself as a man.

You write well and you have a fairly clear picture of your situation - however I can tell it isn't the complete picture! You have taken the first step and well done for doing that, but you MUST start to like yourself and build a positive rapport with yourself - you will need some help to get the structures in place to do that.

James W · 01-02-2012 9:53pm

EdenHazard wrote: »

Duuuude I've been there, not to the extent of you but I remember looking in a mirror in River Island just before Christmas and I nearly burst into tears. I just wanted to be home in my room, everybody I walked past I thought they were judging me. It was one of the worst experiences of my life. I've a picture up here, I'm not Channing Tatum but I think I'm a goodlooking guy(Mayb some mightnt think so but what im saying is theres obviously girls out there that think im goodlooking/'a babe'), so mayb you could be the same? So if a good looking person like me can feel this, mayb you have similar looks and are being way too critical*. It's weird when you hear about people saying guys dont care about looks, then look at us two ha. Seriously man its not how girls view you,(altho I have a bit of baggage with girls, have a hard time dealing with girls not being interested or how they view my looks but thats another story. But yeah I have a friend, i love the guy to bits and kinda feel for him but he's just not good looking at all, i wonder does it get to him ever, but anyway he is LOVED by girls, hes great personality, now I can't say he pulls, he doesn't...yet, but he is genuinely loved by the hottest of girls, so much so I'd say girls would never be like ____ is ugly, I just couldn't see it being said. So dont fret and live life, I really doubt your ugly

*Not boasting just making the point since seems op is a bit like me.

Listen to the song by Boyce Avenue cover of Pinks perfect or One Direction What Makes you beautiful puts me in good mood,

If you are relying on others to make you feel good then you're going to spend a life being insecure and uncertain. If they approve of you then all will be fine but if they dont then all wont be fine. Fact is, if you approve of yourself it won't matter whether others do or do not.

I think that how we feel about ourselves is an exact reflection of how we see the world and others. I also think that other people pick up on how we feel about ourselves and this will obviously impact their response to us.

Personally, I can honestly say that I have found attraction has rarely been based on looks alone and beauty is most definitely in the eye of the beholder. What attracts us to others and vice versa is beyond definition and obsessing over it is a complete waste of time.

rotti oRiley · 01-02-2012 10:01pm

I spent my early twenties exactly like you and all i can say is if you don't change that brain washing you have yourself on it won't get better.

Being told you are wrapped up in yourself and obssessed with your looks will only compound the OPs self hatred issues, as now not only does he feel he looks like sh@t , but also, has an obssessed conceited attitude to himself.

OP, may I suggest you try to hush that inner demon and perhaps ask yourself who or what ignited thede thoughts.

Did you think like this from a young age, was it triggered as a teenager, family situation, an abusive person in your life.

These thoughts can be controlled and ultimately changed. You quiet literally need to change the record, or it will do your head in.

There are chinks of positivity in your post, you need to grasp those and think about them instead of how bad you look.

If your meds aren't working after 4 months I would consider changing or going a more alternative route.

Take care, and remember, everyone else is too obssessed to be looking and judging you.

LegacyUser · 01-02-2012 11:01pm

I went through a phase of thinking every person on the street was looking at me and judging me. Until one day I decided that i would actually look up while i was walking, and guess what, not one person was looking at me. Truth is, 99% of people on the street couldn't give a sh*t what you look like, because they're not gonna remember your face, people don't pay attention on the street.

How many people do you see when you walk down even one street? You don't remember what they look like.

Also, do you know the girl who got on the bus? If you have met her before, she might have recognised you and got really shy and thought it would be awkward if she couldn't think of things to say to you.

LegacyUser · 02-02-2012 7:10pm

Op here thank you for the replies

"comments you make about your physical appearance are a metaphor for how you feel about yourself deep down - psychologically"

I don't think I have a problem with myself deep down outside of how I perceive my looks, like you said James

I honestly can say I am 100% fine with my personality, well, as fine as any person can get with their personality

I know I'm being extremely shallow at times or may seem like a selfish b.astard because I think I'm ugly. I do have an extremely bad habit though of self obsessing and thinking paranoid thoughts and that is only lately hence my post up here and my recent visit to my GP.

@rotti oRiley

As to who or what ignited these thoughts, well, as for my own personal life I cannot attribute it to that (I have had a pretty bad life so far but that's neither here nor there and does not come into play with my current issue so that's irrelevant as of now

) It is only recently I have started to obsess and have extremely low self esteem based thoughts, and frequent paranoid and anxious bouts, but I'd say the "I'm ugly and missing out on life" started at 18 for me personally! I think it was just with leaving secondary school and looking back, and seeing everyone going to college etc and just going out at night and experiencing more of adolescent life has sprung these thoughts and I can say that with 100% confidence

As for my positive traits, I think I'm witty and funny, not to blow my own horn! I think I'm fun to be around and I'm cool etc, I think I'm a very down to earth person, it's actually quite scary I've been thinking like this lately since my usual old self would be totally above this kind of thought pattern, so it's a little terrifying to say the least! This is where the acting part comes in, I'm fine with being able to pull off the act of just being me but when I'm alone etc these thoughts come to me and get me really down

I really would like to pursue or even try my hand at some sort of comedy in the future, if even just to experiment in college or something! I sometimes come up with jokes or have funny little thoughts I like to write down and make into the sort of stuff stand up comedians today would use in their acts, I've always enjoyed making people laugh from a young age and people always comment that I'm witty/funny etc, I've had a few friends who are girls tell me I'm hilarious but I never believe them, I'm quite modest but people say they like someone who is funny. My body language is usually fine and I'm pretty much 100% fine in social situations apart from lately, where negative thoughts plague and bombard me so much so sometimes I actually LEAVE and go be alone

beks101 · 04-02-2012 1:28am

Almost everyone gets fat at some stage. The ones that don't deal with acne, or a tall complex, or a short complex, or a big nose, or bad teeth, or wide-set eyes, or an undefined chin, or freckles that they despise...but the fact is that a lot of people get over it.

You're not getting over it OP because it's become the scapegoat for your low self-esteem, lack of self-worth and general depression. In reality it's got nothing to do with your appearance. Let me tell you this. If you lost weight and became a women-magnet in the morning, life would get even more complicated for you because you'd have to live with the disappointment of fixing the one thing you put all your problems on and realising you're still an insecure mess. It's a very unsettling place to be and if anything it makes you more uncomfortable and more loathesome of yourself. I know this because I've been there.

Personally, if I could change one thing in my past it would be the amount of time I spent worrying excessively and causing myself endless stress over what other people thought of me. It's the biggest misery trap you can set for yourself OP, because 1. most people are so caught up in their own inner-battles they don't even notice things that are a massive deal for you, and 2. you can't control what other people think of you. Some will hate you, just because. Others will think you're awesome, others won't give you a second thought. Do you really want to play Russian roulette with your sense of self-worth like that? It's essentially rolling the dice and hoping that you meet the people who think you're great, when the fact is that life will present you with all kinds of hateful, vitriolic, needlessly nasty, apathetic characters who will very easily deepen your sense of self-hatred if you don't decide to get a grip and tackle this head on.

Your misery is no-one's fault or responsibility but your own. I know that's little consolation when you're completely absorbed in self-hatred, but it can also be very freeing. Once you get your head around it, events like a good-looking girl not sitting beside you (which sounds totally benign and innocent to me anyway) will have less power over you and you'll accept rejection as a part of life because you'll have accepted yourself.

It's a long road, and I suggest you invest in a counsellor now instead of waiting twenty years at which stage you will have really missed out on life. Right now you're 20, you have it all ahead of you if you choose to give yourself the chance.

qwertytlk · 04-02-2012 4:25am

Hi op,
firstly i just want to acknowledge the above post from beks101 and say that s/he has lots of very valid points and good advice, imo.
Secondly, i want to give you some of my own experiences. I was very like you at a similar age. It got so bad that it would take me hours to get ready to go out. I dont even mean on a special noight out where its normal and usual to spend extra time getting ready so you look and feel your best. Im talking abou even going out to do simple things like getting some shopping in tesco. I would literally tear my room apart, trying on 5o different things and nearly ripping them off myself because i would get so upset at how ugly,stupid,fat, worhtless, disgusting etc etc etc i looked. I would be plagued by self doubt and self loating. And not only that but i would also be thinking things like people would laugh at me (im talking strangers here, dont get me started on friends!) because i looked so stupid an pathetic. Anyway this went on for a while, it got worse, then better and then really bad. I eventually bit the bullet and went to a counsellor and i swear it was the best thing i ever did. My one regret is that i did not do it sooner.
I could gve you advice that the counsellor gave me but to be honest, there really isnt any point. I say this because athough the feelings you describe are similar to what i felt, you can be assured the root cause of them are totally different. Therefore it just wouldnt work. It may be a quick fix, like putting a plaster on a stab wound. It may help for a short period of time, but in the long run it is just going to make the problem worse as you are prolonging the ineviatble! I.e-seeking medical help for your problem. Similarly, You may think if the girl you fancy sits with you on the bus, exchanges numbers and ends up being your gf that you would feel great nd all your problems would go away. Well what happens when the relationship doesnt work out (as most relationships dont) you are going to feel so crap about yourself, all the old doubts and insecurities will resurface and dealing with them on top of the breakup or whatever, is going to be 10 times worse. Then what do you do?
So you see my point? Dont waste any more of your life feeling like this. Dont let this take any more of your time, these are the best years of your life and you dont want to look back on them in 20 years time when your still suffering from the same problem, along with ten others that have developed and wonder why you didnt sort it out sooner. So just go see your gp, get a referal for a counsellor and go talk to someone, male or female, and work out what is causing you to feel this way.
Im not saying counselling is easy, but after a few sessions you should start to feel improvement and lets face it, anything has to be better than feeling the way you do now.
Best of luck and i really hope you sort this out. As i said, i lived with a similar problem but i wasted 4 or so years on it as it steadily got worse. My one regret in life is not seeking the help i needed sooner because now a few years on, iv never been happier and i know i wouldnt be at this point in my life if i hadnt dealt with those demons.
Best of luck

peter barrins · 05-02-2012 12:39pm

This post has been deleted.

saa · 05-02-2012 1:27pm

weirdo1991 wrote: »

I do not want to open up to a male psychiatrist I don't know why. Is there any way I can arrange this?

Yes that is perfectly fine there are a lot of women in this profession so it shouldn't be too hard to accomadate unless the GP is restricted to who they can refer to but I don't think that should be a problem, a perfectly reasonable request.

I'm around your age, I don't do things people my age do, some people might think I'm ugly but I don't think that anymore I AM interesting looking

I'm okay with all that now, I'm okay that I go to a counselor and I'm depressed a lot, I stopped trying to wish I was someone else which was hard when escapism is so much easier at first.

I'm so glad you're so proactive talking to your GP, posting you're very self aware so talking could be a great start to getting the balance you want back in my life.

I feel like I was like you two years ago, I had no friends, I hated myself, I was isolated I had been talking to someone for a year and nothing was happening OH MY GOD this isn't working there must be something wrong with me, I'm useless, worthless stuck in a rut and nothing is ever going to change but I was over thinking how bad everything was and wishing everything would be good in an instant but I had to work on one thing at a time, I made a plan and focused on college so I became more relaxed, built confidence and made friends, then the next summer I started volunteering at events I was doing all these things I wanted to do and thinking better but I saw myself on video working at a thing and didn't recognise myself, I must of been a size 18 when in my head I was a 14 maybe a 16

My mind and body were so disconnected from the self loathing and just not caring about myself plus the binge eating, so it took six-eight months after that to realise it was making me miserable so it took a long time to talk to my shrink about why and how I had put on the weight, compared to others I'm not the most [______] whatever but I thought hey this is all I have no matter how much I detatch I can't run away from my life and my body but hating them was a way to keep me away if that makes sense.

Good luck with the referal.

Ashamed of myself + stuck in rut

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