Not coping with break up

SineadMarie

Hi me again, i know some of you were very helpful to me this week with my post about whether my relationship was over. I know it’s only been a week and i know it takes time, but right now i feel empty inside. I've been to the doc who gave me diazepam as i keep having anxiety and panic attacks, when i dont have them i just cry and stare into space. If anyone can offer some advice on how they dealt with a horrible break up i'd appreciate it. Maybe its because the way things ended I don’t know, I have so many unanswered questions and its driving me mad I guess, I don’t want to feel this way at all I just wish it never happened. I miss him so much it hurts like hell!

BraziliaNZ

SineadMarie wrote: »

Hi me again, i know some of you were very helpful to me this week with my post about whether my relationship was over. I know it’s only been a week and i know it takes time, but right now i feel empty inside. I've been to the doc who gave me diazepam as i keep having anxiety and panic attacks, when i dont have them i just cry and stare into space. If anyone can offer some advice on how they dealt with a horrible break up i'd appreciate it. Maybe its because the way things ended I don’t know, I have so many unanswered questions and its driving me mad I guess, I don’t want to feel this way at all I just wish it never happened. I miss him so much it hurts like hell!

Yeah I was in bits before over some ridiculous breakup. I'm afraid you just have to ride it out. There'll be times when you think it's getting better, but then it'll all crash down and feel as bad as ever.
Nearly everyone seems to experience it at some stage in their lives, and we all get over it eventually. You're probably not sleeping or eating right, that improves too eventually. It may take months, but you'll come out stronger believe me.
I'm sure you know the usual exercise, go out with friends stuff - but all I can say is that you cut all contact and just remember that it doesn't get any worse than it is now, only better, in time.

IrishEyes19

You really will get through it, it just takes time. Trust me you'll be grateful in the long run if you follow through with severing contact and gettng on without him in your life. Ive made many mistakes in relationship regarding the no contact rule and I really wish right now I had followed through with it. It saves so much bulls%it and upset.

theres no fast remedy here, just time and commitment to other projects. the not sleeping and eating and feeling down will eventually pass, it was amazing how just phoning friends and asking about their day and going out on nights out, (leave alcohol out for a while maybe) can really make you feel better. you also learn how much this person has taken over your life and made you feel so insecure and worrisome. I truly believe the right person would never want you to ever feel that way. we tend to live on drama but it can be very destructive. I wish you all the best

SineadMarie

Just today i've a constant urge to text him, i dont know what im looking for out of it, i guess its cos i miss him.

I am a friend

SineadMarie wrote: »

Just today i've a constant urge to text him, i dont know what im looking for out of it, i guess its cos i miss him.

Trust me, it wont help.... Give someone your phone to mind til the urge passes. No contact is the only way to heal...

Miss Fluff

SineadMarie wrote: »

Just today i've a constant urge to text him, i dont know what im looking for out of it, i guess its cos i miss him.

You will instantly regret it if you do. You need to have an iron will but you're only setting yourself up for a fall if you do text him. Two things will happen if you text him:

a. He will respond and this will give you false hope that there is something there and will only prolong the agony

b. It'll give him the opportunity to reject you. Again.

• Phone your service provider and have his number blocked.
• Surround yourself with family and friends who will be glad to listen to you go on about it.
• Have a good cry.
• Write yourself a list of why it wouldn't work out anyway/some of his bad points
• DO NOT CONTACT HIM

You will get over this m'dear - I'm sure you feel like the bottom has fallen out of your world. If there is one key element to getting over someone though it's to sever contact. The sooner you do that the sooner you can pick yourself up and dust yourself off - I think anyone who has had their heart broken can vouch for that.

Missy Moo Moo

Sorry to hear you're feeling crap OP

It'll get easier, promise.

Do not under any circumstances text him, youll feel a million times worse as judging by your last thread, he won't reply. Trust me. Even if he did reply, it'll make you feel worse. Get yourself a calendar and mark off every day you get through without contacting him. You'll feel a real sense of achievement once you've gotten through a week, 2 weeks etc without caving.

Best of luck OP you'll get through this

dellas1979

I 100% (again!:)) agree with miss fluff.

It will hurt for a while, but you will get over it and you will stop missing him, if you do not contact him.

Look at it this way and get this into your head-you tried your best with him. You did. And you should be proud of yourself. You have nothing to question.

SineadMarie

Thanks everyone, you are all so kind and supportive. I think i'm going insane at times but i guess everyone goes through these stages the first few weeks. I lost the love of my life in the most horrible way and i'm totally gutted, wake up every morning and forget for a few minutes and then it hits me, its been a real struggle. My friends and family have been amazing but nothing anyone is saying is filling the emptiness. I know i'll get through it and i won't text him no contact is best i know that.

Taltos

Something that helps some people is just to get out and go for long walks with a friend or alone. Try to include a coffee shop or something on your route - but basically just walk it out of you.

I know it sounds silly - but my sis did this when her marriage fell apart two years ago. Used to disappear for hours at a time but it did seem to help her. I think maybe just the physical exhaustion ensured she had a good nights sleep and as you know exercise generally releases endorfins which go some way to helping you feel better about yourself.

It will get better - just try to ride out the crashes without giving into temptation and contacting him...

SineadMarie

Yea i love walking, i have a little dog that is my company usually. This week though i've been so weak nearly that i've no energy for anything, but thanks i've promised myself from next week its back to walking every evening. The fresh air is good for you too i know! I hope your sis is ok, i wouldnt wish this pain on anyone.

IrishEyes19

SineadMarie wrote: »

Thanks everyone, you are all so kind and supportive. I think i'm going insane at times but i guess everyone goes through these stages the first few weeks.

I lost the love of my life

in the most horrible way and i'm totally gutted, wake up every morning and forget for a few minutes and then it hits me, its been a real struggle. My friends and family have been amazing but nothing anyone is saying is filling the emptiness. I know i'll get through it and i won't text him no contact is best i know that.

I absolutely promise you, you havent lost the love of your life. Because the love of your life would never be as mean as that. It doesnt feel like it now, but eventually you will sit back and say That was the best mistake he ever made. He lost a nice decent girl and Ive been saved years of heartache.

delete delete delete. Seriously, its much easier when you know you cant contact him. We all slip up, so save yourself the trouble and help yourself. If you feel like calling him, call a friend instead.

This may sound harsh, but you also need to give yourself a kick start before you start falling apart. Its so easy to lose motivation and feel like everything is over, and all of a sudden you fall into a rut. Its so easy to happen and the more you focus on why he ended it, and what could have been, the more you'll sink and also drive friends away. So dont fall into that rut. Start a routine of getting up early, getting good nights sleep. Stay away from social networking if he's on it, and mutual hangouts ect, basically detox yourself from this situation and bring more happy and positive things and people into your life.

Consider yourself free of worry and hassle. I know being single isnt everyones cup of tea, but take it like this. you are right now the most important person in your life. go out, flirt, smile. Maybe dont rush into anything serious, but get out there and enjoy freedom for a while, you might be surprised how refreshing it is, to go out and not worry why he hasnt texted or if he's out with someone else, or lying. ect.

Theres no magical solution, but the first step and great step is admitting to yourself that its over, and that you deserve to be happy. Truly wish you all the best of luck.

SineadMarie

You wouldnt believe how much you are all helping me cope with this. I don't want to come across as a big drama queen, i know everyone goes through this, whoever hasnt is very lucky indeed. I just want to say thanks again and let you all know how grateful i am. I think the sadness is taking over and i'm not thinking straight. But very true if he was the love of my life he wouldn't of hurt me so bad and in such a cowardly approach.

dancesatnight

SineadMarie wrote: »

You wouldnt believe how much you are all helping me cope with this. I don't want to come across as a big drama queen, i know everyone goes through this, whoever hasnt is very lucky indeed. I just want to say thanks again and let you all know how grateful i am. I think the sadness is taking over and i'm not thinking straight. But very true if he was the love of my life he wouldn't of hurt me so bad and in such a cowardly approach.

i totally understand how u feel i as dumped by txt! she was so much of a coward she could n't even give me the respect to to it over the phone or face to face. i was attacked and mugged a few weeks later all of mine and her friends knew and ask how i was doing. she didnt even txt me to see was i ok. it took me a 5 months to get over enough to be happy in my self. she was the love of my life i would have moved heaven and earth for the girl. the only words that gave and give me comfort ill share with you. i loved her once, i always will but until i know she feels the same and wants what i want im going to love my life for me. if its true love this could just be a hiccup along the road. but dont hold on to hope it will destroy you from the inside out. i lost 3 stone. i didnt eat i didnt sleep i drank my self to sleep most night for the first while. i was a mess i tried being with other girls but it just made me feel empty and lonlier. hang out with friends tire yourself as best you can. anti depressents and things like that only lengthen the healing time. i leaned on a friend of mine she was only wonderful it wasnt the talking it was just being around someone who i knew cared about me. the hardiest part for me was letting go of the bond me and X had and the plans for the future i had in my mind.

BraziliaNZ

dancesatnight wrote: »

i was attacked and mugged a few weeks later all of mine and her friends knew and ask how i was doing she didnt even txt me to see was i ok..

Well it would have been wrong for her to reach out to you then IMO if she had no intention of getting back with you, things like that give people hung up on exes false hope. If both of you are trying to move on the most respectful thing she can do is not contact you again or for a long long time.

dancesatnight wrote: »

it took me a 5 months to get over enough to be happy in my self. she was the love of my life i would have moved heaven and earth for the girl. the only words that gave and give me comfort ill share with you. i loved her once, i always will but until i know she feels the same and wants what i want im going to love my life for me.

You clearly haven't got over her talking like that!

dancesatnight

BraziliaNZ wrote: »

Well it would have been wrong for her to reach out to you then IMO if she had no intention of getting back with you, things like that give people hung up on exes false hope. If both of you are trying to move on the most respectful thing she can do is not contact you again or for a long long time.



You clearly haven't got over her talking like that!

im actually in a really good place now to be honest i know its over and ive moved on. everything happens for a reason and theres no point it worrying or stressing over things you cant change

IrishEyes19

SineadMarie wrote: »

You wouldnt believe how much you are all helping me cope with this. I don't want to come across as a big drama queen, i know everyone goes through this, whoever hasnt is very lucky indeed. I just want to say thanks again and let you all know how grateful i am. I think the sadness is taking over and i'm not thinking straight. But very true if he was the love of my life he wouldn't of hurt me so bad and in such a cowardly approach.

Sadness is a part of it, so is denial and weirdly enough self blame. so dont feel annoyed at yourself for expressing how you feel. Breakups are incredibly tough, but thankfully the term "heartbreak" isnt real in my opinion. No one can break your heart, they may bruise it as I like to say, but girl, you will love again and be loved for real. Thats the best thing about life. No matter what age you are. It really is out there if you go out there with an open mind and a strong heart.

And pour your heart out here as Sunflower has said, the advice here is really great, have availed of it myself and theres nothing better than getting a stranger's opinion because the rose tinted glasses dont apply there.

LegacyUser

Miss Fluff wrote: »

You will instantly regret it if you do. You need to have an iron will but you're only setting yourself up for a fall if you do text him. Two things will happen if you text him:

a. He will respond and this will give you false hope that there is something there and will only prolong the agony

b. It'll give him the opportunity to reject you. Again.

• Phone your service provider and have his number blocked.
• Surround yourself with family and friends who will be glad to listen to you go on about it.
• Have a good cry.
• Write yourself a list of why it wouldn't work out anyway/some of his bad points
• DO NOT CONTACT HIM

totally agree with this...my ex and i kept contact when we broke up...gave me total false hope, i thought we were getting back together, he even talked about it...but it was never going to work...we wanted to try to stay friends, but it really does make things far too complicated...cut all ties...do not contact him. It took me 6 months after my break up to realise this (only 3weeks ago now).

be sure that you are not at all alone in how you feel. it is really early days for you, in the 1st week of my break up i didn't get out of my pyjamas, hell i cant even remember if I showered :O !! I cried, i got angry, cried some more...but the most important thing i done was TALK...i talked my close friends ears off, there were times they couldn't understand what I was saying because all i could was cry when I started talking about it. I was with my ex for 6 years before we broke up, he was a major part of my life, it's hard to readjust. But it can be done, and it takes time. Also, everyone deals with these things differently, all we can do is give you our opinions, at the end of the day the choices you make are entirely up to you, do what makes you happy. I'm 6 months into my break up now and im only just really coming to terms with it, i went into complete meltdown and made some horrible mistakes...some people would say that if it wasn't for that then i wouldn't be where i am now, who knows. Cry your heart out OP...but be sure to get with friends that make you laugh too, it's a great help. There are no quick fix remedies for dealing with this, you've just gotta go with it. And there will be times when you think your feeling better but then feel like your back to square 1, that's natural, don't fight it. I could ramble on and on but i wont lol...You will get through this and i wish you the very best of luck!!!

hey op, sorry for what you are going through, its extremely hard, most of us know this.

when i broke up with someone, a few years ago now, i had an arrangement with a very good friend. basically, every phone call or text msg that i wanted to send to him, i sent to my friend instead.
sometimes you find yourself eaten up with the things you want to say, i found this helped enormously because i sent them, just not actually to him!!

my friend didnt even read most of the texts, occasionally answered them with mad, funny answers!!

i found it helped anyway!

Overheal

SineadMarie wrote: »

Thanks everyone, you are all so kind and supportive. I think i'm going insane at times but i guess everyone goes through these stages the first few weeks. I lost the love of my life in the most horrible way and i'm totally gutted, wake up every morning and forget for a few minutes and then it hits me, its been a real struggle. My friends and family have been amazing but nothing anyone is saying is filling the emptiness. I know i'll get through it and i won't text him no contact is best i know that.

What has always worked for me for these things, any really bad feelings or thoughts I'm having that I can't shake, I right them as clearly as I possibly can on paper. Essays, basically, with no particular audience but a goal of comprehensively laying out exactly what is on my mind.

After such writing I usually get very tired, fall asleep, and within sometimes as little as a day I've forgotten the whole thing, only to be ever so briefly remembered again If I happen to stumble upon whatever piece of paper or document file I wrote/typed it on years from now. I've found it to be highly effective at getting cyclical thoughts out of my head.

Taltos

Overheal wrote: »

What has always worked for me for these things, any really bad feelings or thoughts I'm having that I can't shake, I right them as clearly as I possibly can on paper. Essays, basically, with no particular audience but a goal of comprehensively laying out exactly what is on my mind.

After such writing I usually get very tired, fall asleep, and within sometimes as little as a day I've forgotten the whole thing, only to be ever so briefly remembered again If I happen to stumble upon whatever piece of paper or document file I wrote/typed it on years from now. I've found it to be highly effective at getting cyclical thoughts out of my head.

I have used that too - however I immediately burn such writings for 2 reasons.
1. I use it as a cleansing act - imagining my worries going up in flames with the paper - clearly using a safe fire, jebus last thing I would need is to burn down the house...
2. Re-reading any of that would just pull me down as would the thought of some future partner stumbling across my raw emotions - that could well end that future relationship....

But this actually has worked well for me - thanks Overheal.

Overheal

I don't mind keeping it for one good reason: usually upon reading them I realize two things:

Yes, this is my writing, my style.

The person that wrote this is not who I am anymore.

Which in itself I find to be somewhat uplifting; a clear milestone of change and development.

LegacyUser

Hey Op,

butting in on thread here but hope i can give some relief, Time appears to heal all wounds! it does!
as bad as you feel now, It will get better,. My boyfriend and I broke up just before xmas, we were together only few months but i wont lie, it hurt like hell. Family didnt know too much about it as it was new in my head so i couldnt just wail about it to them.. i was dying and dying to ring him up/ text him, he got drunken xmas text, which i got no reply from.

He text me new years and thats all i've heard since, and although i was thinkin Hey, that ain't too nice, (i've text him no reply), its a month since xmas and i am feeling better i have to say, when i think of it i don't feel as much "pain" .
I suppose i've tried to keep myself busy, at time we broke up, i was off work etc pre xmas so basically had waaay too much time on my hands to think about him/us.

It will get better, no contact is best definitely, as hard as it is (and i know!)
Get out for walks as another poster said, Go shopping, get stuck in a book.. keep off boards (no offence to board-ees but she'll just think about it if shes writing about!- i know i did!)

Hope you're feeling better soon!! x

SineadMarie

Thanks guys feeling a bit better after all your advice. Keeping busy, changed my bedroom around yesterday as every time i was there i just remembered him, i was crying myself to sleep missing him being beside me. My room now looks great and not like it used to. It helped anyway might sound like a strange thing to do but it kept me busy! I'm getting there still sad at times but i cant thank you all enough for your kind words and support. You really are all true angels.x

enceladus1

well i lost my soul mate becaus of myself i ****ing hate myself for it i cry everyday i kno how yu feel i had to go to the doctor i stopped eating i lost two stone in two months and i got a bit better i started eating and couldn force him to talk to me ... i have tried absolutly everything i spent 600 on a counceller to get rid of the insecurities that was causing me to be a **** to him and yes i am crying writing this as usual .. the pain gets easier but never gone i still cry everyday when i wake up from nice dreams of us being together or have panic attacks so bad i get sick if i dream about him wit some one else .. its been five months and i kno i deserve to feel this miserable for treating him like **** but i wud do anything in the world to never of moved bk home to the most unhappiest place of my life .. my dad is abusive and thrrathening and hit me i cud never explain to my ex that he hit me becaus he wud freak i got told every day how i ruined the family i wasnt wanted there and this was coming from my dad ... then he wud hit me ... of course i was not a nice girlfriend trying to deal wit this the horrible thing is we had lived together abroad for a month and i kno he is my soul mate and i completly blame my ofamily for this so i moved out of the house and cut contact i was alone for christmas and lived completly alone for the last 5 months .. i dont kno how to get thru it im thinkin of moving to china for a year .. i hate myself so much for hurting him becaus i love him so ****ing much.. he still wont meet me or talk to me and i kno i deserve it becaus i broke his heart and hurt him but i moved away from my family spent all my money on counselling to fix the problems i had so i cud be better for him it kills me that not being wanted by my family and getting beat up is not punishment enuf to him .. i wud do anything to make him happy now i miss everything but there is just no easy way to feel better .. people will tell yu go out and get wid other guys ... this wont help i have not done it after this relationship im still waiting for my ex but i cant see how it wud help yu .. go for runs or hang out wit friends who make yu laf keep yurself busy and appreciate at least yu have yur family in this situation and altho yu may feel lonely yu are not alone !! i hope yu feel better i kno how ****in **** it is !!