Will my son suffer if he has no siblings?

LegacyUser

Not sure if this should be in personal issues or parenting.

I have a gorgeous, healthy baby boy who I love to bits but because of my ill health (ulcerative colitis which makes me very tired and ill during flare ups) and my husband's age (he is 43, I'm 31) we have decided that we only have the energy for one child without battling everyday just to survive. It is not a decision that we came to lightly, we did a lot of research on the topic of only children and it doesn't seem to affect them at all in later life if you make sure that they have plenty of play dates and in general know that they are loved.

We are happy with our decision however before I even left the hospital with him visitors were asking when the next one will be and it's been going on since. He's only 3 months old and I'm trying to enjoy this time. Saying that we've made the decision that we're stopping with him only seems to fuel the comments and questions and 'oh, everyone says that but wait'. It's driving me nuts. People are constantly saying that he'll be spoilt or lonely or resentful.

Are they right? And if they are not (which I believe to be true), how can I get they all to butt out? It's everyone, our families, friends and even neighbours. Please help!!

Beruthiel

willhebeok wrote: »

People are constantly saying that he'll be spoilt or lonely or resentful.

One of my pet hates. People who 'think' they know everything and can't help but stick their noses into the business of others.

I have a 24 year old daughter.
After having her, I decide one was enough and had no interest in ever going through that whole process again.
I am not of that strong maternal type who have always wanted a bunch of children at all costs. If I hadn't had her, I would never have had any.

She is now a wonderful 24 year old adult.
How did I ever manage that?
So she wouldn't be lonely, I put her in a crèche X amount of days a week so she would meet others of her own age.
Play school when she was 3.
Getting her to play with neighbours children and make friends.
Spending time with her myself.
Teaching her how to entertain herself.
I started her reading as soon as was possible. She carries her love of books with her to this day.
I got her interested in music.
I did not spoil her.
I was consistently a very strict but very fair mother. She got away with nothing.
I taught her to think for herself from 2 onwards, always giving her choices and explaining the consequences of each decision.

Care not what other people say to you. Every dog and his mother will have an opinion, so what.
Know yourself well enough and teach yourself how to be the best parent you can be.
If you do not spoil your child, then he will not be spoilt.

It does not matter whither you have 1 or 5 children.
If you put your time into them and are a thoughtful and caring parent, you will reap the reward of that.

Squiggler

You've done the research and made an informed decision to have only one child, trust yourselves.

With regard to the mannerless individuals who are asking you these questions, you do not owe them an explanation.

They have absolutely no right to any information about your sex life, reproductive (or other) health or life choices. Do not engage in discussion with them.

I would be tempted to completely ignore such ill-mannered comments and enquiries, but if they persist I would have no hesitation in pointing out how inappropriate they are. I'm sure if you think about it you can come up with some cutting or witty retorts.

Fittle

I grew up with 10 siblings and we're 10 of the most dysfunctional human beings I know (myself included;)) because there were just too many of us.

On the other hand, my own 9yr old is an only child.

He has a tonne of friends, is in a few clubs and is very social - in fact, he very often loves just chilling out in his room on his own because he genuinely loves his own space. He has pals who have siblings and he has said many times that he's glad he doesn't have any because he loves the peace in our house:D

An only child is a lonely child my ar$e! Feeling lonely comes from within and is proven by the fact that there are many of us who could be in a crowded room and yet still feel alone.

Ignore the ignorance of others - it's your life and if you've chosen not to have anymore, it's none of their business!!!

Overheal

only childs get all the best stuff too. When you have 4 kids you all get a fraction of what one might get. Or you had to share

you see some of your friends in designer clothes in you're like 'damn, are they well off?' most times they're just an only child, nobody had to clothe 4 kids!

It can be alot of responsibility being an only child, when your parents are ill or elderly.
What,s the rest of your family network like? Are you close to them? If he lost both of you. Would he still have some sense of family?

Right now, Irish people are very family orientated.
Alot of people, simply don't make the same effort with friends, because they are so involved with their own relationship and kin.
It is difficult for people in that situation, to see that people who have to put themselves out there. Like only children, can find deeper more fulfilling friendships.
I think too by the time your boy is an adult, with the current rates of family breakdown. This culture won't be as strong.

Beruthiel

Moonbaby wrote: »

It can be alot of responsibility being an only child, when your parents are ill or elderly.

Are you implying that a parent has the right to expect their child to take care of them when they are old?
You do not have a child in the expectation that when you get older that child should feel obliged to put their lives on hold for X amount of years just so they can look after you.
Any parent who expects that, is dreadfully selfish.

I am a friend

He wont suffer at all... Its better for him to have a healthy and happy Mum than a sibling.

I have just had our first baby and wont be having another one. Its slightly different in that baby has a half brother and sister but even though they are with us every couple of weeks they dont live close by...

Two more of my friends have just had their first and wont be having more so its more common than you think... do whats right for you both and congrats on your little man

meganj

Beruthiel wrote: »

I have a 24 year old daughter.

So she wouldn't be lonely, I put her in a crèche X amount of days a week so she would meet others of her own age.
Play school when she was 3.
Getting her to play with neighbours children and make friends.
Spending time with her myself.
Teaching her how to entertain herself.
I started her reading as soon as was possible. She carries her love of books with her to this day.
I got her interested in music.
I did not spoil her.
I was consistently a very strict but very fair mother. She got away with nothing.
I taught her to think for herself from 2 onwards, always giving her choices and explaining the consequences of each decision.

Holy Crap you might be my Mother :eek:

In all seriousness, I'm an only child and this is exactly what my mother did. I grew up in an estate that didn't have much children in it so my Mother spent her weekends ferrying me around for playdates.

She taught me how to entertain myself, read, ride my bike around and around in circles.

I think it can be more 'work' so to speak as a parent if you've only one child, especially if they're like me and quite shy and awkward (although with my Mothers shoving me into things I quickly got over it). Most important thing you do is encourage your child to make friends and try and support them in that by offering to ferry kids to the cinema.

I think when you're an only child it's the summers you have off from school that are the worst, but sure there's summer camps etc etc.

I don't think it had a negative impact on me at all, my OH has a sibling and I'd say I settle better with new people then him because he's never really had to make friends if you get me.

As for anyone else's opinion on the matter, tell em to shove it. It is irrelevant how many siblings a child has as long as it has a circle of people who love it!

Beruthiel

Beruthiel wrote: »

Are you implying that a parent has the right to expect their child to take care of them when they are old?
You do not have a child in the expectation that when you get older that child should feel obliged to put their lives on hold for X amount of years just so they can look after you.
Any parent who expects that, is dreadfully selfish.

No. Although I don't necessarily agree with you.
Just practically, When there aren't other people around to help.
There will be a burden on an only child. That would be worth taking into account in the ordinary run of things. If there is no other support network there.
However I didnt properly take on board the ops medical issues. With my first reading.
If it is going to be damaging to her health. That is not much of a choice.

Saw a great one once. Where a bachelor was being harassed by a group of older relatives. As to why wasn't settling down and starting a family.
He loudly announced that he didn't see the point as he had no interest in sex.
Then attempted to continue discussing the topic in detail. No one wanted to hear any of it. Topic dropped.
If people wont drop the topic politely Op. Maybe making them a little uncomfortable with your own questions would do the trick.

LegacyUser

we have a two and a half year old, not for any medical reasons she will be an only child,

she wasn't planned but we loved her from the moment we've had her and as amazing as she is we are certain one is enough for us,


having one is so much easier in some ways, like the others said its easier to buy for one then three and going on holidays will be easier with less schedules to co-ordinate, all manageable by parents with more children but its easier then one.

i had two siblings and still ended up with mental health issues due to jealousy that festered since they were born! i would be worried my daughter would have the same hence our decision.


people keep asking us when the next one is due but its been 2 and a half years and they are still asking, we just ignore them. its hard, but eventually they'll get the hint (we hope)


as for when we are older, we are making provisions for her such as making sure we have life insurance, a will...etc she should be well protected, but then nobody can predict the future a family with three young children could have both parents killed in an accident and what then?

LegacyUser

Thank you for all the replies, I realised after I posted that I'd put it in the wrong forum so I was worried that I'd get none.

We've a great network, I've my parents, 3 sisters and a brother and my husband has his parents, and 3 sisters. We have already discussed with the sister who I'm closest to about taking custody of him should something awful happen to us both. She's is happy to agree and it will go into our will soon when we update it. We both has generous life insurance packages too.

My mother is a mother hen type, had 5 kids but probably if they had a bit more money would have had more. She uses my great network as a guilt trip and says that I would be denying my son's kids, my grandkids this as they'll have no aunts or uncles on his side. She can't understand why people don't want loads so she is a hard one to explain this to.

Thanks again, so great to hear of only kids doing so well.

Caraville

Just from the point of view of a teacher who deals with young people every day- at this current moment, 3 students that I can think of off the top of my head that are only children in their families, and all 3 are lovely girls, very polite, have plenty of friends and work well. Lovely supportive parents that love them but don't smother them. I wouldn't know whether they had siblings or not only it came up in conversation during our oral Irish work. So in other words OP, your child should be no different to any other, given the right supports and opportunities to meet other young people.

meganj

willhebeok wrote: »

My mother is a mother hen type, had 5 kids but probably if they had a bit more money would have had more. She uses my great network as a guilt trip and says that I would be denying my son's kids, my grandkids this as they'll have no aunts or uncles on his side.

Just to say OP around not having aunts/uncles, my best friend is an only child, we always agree when talking about hypothetical children that she'll be aunty to mine and vice versa. Being an only child you get to pick brothers and sisters as opposed to being stuck with the ones your parents give you! :rolleyes: I'm sure your child will make many many many great friends and honestly won't feel the pang of not having a sibling.

LegacyUser

Moonbaby wrote: »

It can be alot of responsibility being an only child, when your parents are ill or elderly.
What,s the rest of your family network like? Are you close to them? If he lost both of you. Would he still have some sense of family?
.../...

Beruthiel wrote: »

Are you implying that a parent has the right to expect their child to take care of them when they are old?
.../...

I can only agree with Moonbaby's statement. It's not a question of expecting anything in return ... it what family is about.
Parents worry about their children. If the family is in any way a normally functioning unit, the love within this unit also implies that the children will naturally worry about their parents (and logically more so when they grow older).
When there are several children, they can discuss together or help each other out but when there is only 1, the responsibility is down to him/her.

As an only child and abroad, I can totally identify with this ...

LegacyUser

Being an only-child can be a very enjoyable experience as it can be a bit of a nuisance …
As an only-child, growing up, I am sure I did get more than I would have had if I had had to share.
I also got more attention from my parents than, again, if I had had to share with siblings. I became the centre of their world, the only interest. While I do love them to bits and appreciate them and what they have done for me, it can certainly become rather ‘stuffy’ when you are growing up or even when you have left Home …

Life didn’t give me any choice, I won’t have children but that’d certainly be something I’d be careful of if I had had.

Life and circumstances often dictate if and how many children one has and it is no-one else’s business … If the subject is broached, just change it … The weather is nice today, isn’t it …

Rosy Posy

I am an only child, and while I don't think that you will be causing your son to suffer by not 'providing' him with a sibling, I think you should be very careful about how you view him. Moonbeam mentioned the responsibility of being the sole carer for an elderly parent, but I felt that responsibility all through my life. My parents had very high aspirations for me and invested all their hopes and dreams in my future. Suffocating to say the least. I now live very far away from them and while we have a good relationship, now that they are retired I fear that they are lonely and have a lot of guilt around this. So, although it may seem ridiculous now that your son is so young, I would just advise you to make sure you cultivate your life outside of work and your child, and to be wary of trying to live through him.

I'll just add that when I was growing up only children were extremely unusual but I think that it is far more common in today's society (from looking at the kids in my children's class) what with parents having children older and with more single parents, so your son will not be alone in that respect.

Enjoy your baby and give all those people who feel the need to comment on your reproductive choices the short shrift!

Mink

meganj wrote: »

I don't think it had a negative impact on me at all, my OH has a sibling and I'd say I settle better with new people then him because he's never really had to make friends if you get me.

I'm not an only child but my nearest sibling is 7yrs older and I never spent time with them as child as they were off doing their own thing that I couldn't be included in & then they moved out early.

I suited me fine, I could do stuff by myself & chill by myself but I also had lots of mates nearby & around Dublin & would be off with them a lot.

I agree with what the poster above says. My OH has 2 siblings close in age & he's a bit more socially awkward than I am in terms of making new friends. I'm more outgoing in regards to new people or new groups, simply because I had to be as a child to meet anyone.

(I was a little spoilt though as a child but I think that's cos I was the baby )

Big Bag of Chips

Stop thinking so deeply about what other people say to you.. because you can bet your last penny on it that they aren't thinking that deeply about you.

They are just trotting out the same old same old.. as soon as one baby arrives asking about the next etc. (My sis-in-law has just had 2 very big twins, they're not even a week old.. I told her the next one will be a walk in the park after that!... it was a joke!! I don't know or care if they are planning more or not, and I do't expect to be told!) People really don't care whether or not you have 1 or 30.. they just think they are making conversation, and sometimes, like me, they think they are being hilarious!!

They say something, and forget it as soon as they walk away from you.. you meanwhile are thinking it over and over, agonising and worrying and even going so far as to explain yourself and your family plans to them.

They don't care!

miec

Hi Op

My son is 14 and he is delighted that he is an only child. He loves having his own room, not sharing or having anyone mess/break or touch his stuff. He has plenty of friends and I always had an open house policy so he wasn't lonely. Also I agree with rosy posy in that I let him be and choose his own life. So overall an only child can work if you do not spoil them or live your life through them.

amtc

I'm 38 and an only child. There is no way we are spoilt - simply as I put it who does the table setting/wash up - there's only one. The pressure is immense. Mam and Daddy are now 64 and 73 and getting older. If I don't phone home 4 times a day there is something wrong. I am taking time off work to bring them places.

I long for my own space. Oh I live on my own but parents need to hear four times a day from me. My partner doesn't get this.

Izzy j

Also have to agree with moon baby. As an only child I had a lovely childhood,never felt lonely,and had lots of friends etc. however as an adult with two ageing and ill parents it can be very stressfull. I'm not caring for them as such but as a loving child you do get more and more involved in helping with their lives. Bringing one or other to dr appointments, visiting one in hospital while cooking or shopping for the other, while working,looking after your own family can all become too much. Don't forget the extended family will be older too so unable to be of much help. So as an only child I would give anything to have a sibling to share things with. There,you have heard it from the horses mouth! Of course that's prob not a good enough reason to have another child, so interfering people need to butt out with their comments.

I am a friend

I see the point about looking after the parents when older but you can't necessarily factor in a sibling - they may emigrate, live at the opposite end of the country or just not be interested.. Op your health is the most important thing so don't be pushed into it my interfering relatives.

banie01

OP, Its your choice how many Kids you have.
Don't feel that outsiders opinions on your family structure are important!
You, your partner and your child are what matters, if ye decide to grow that circle its completely ye're choice.
Its a very Irish attitude the 'Ahh you have 1, shur now they'll need another to keep them company!'

I'm the eldest of 8kids, and at 32yrs old I'm not just the eldest. I'm a surrogate parent to my younger siblings, and my own parents fallback when they need help.
Don't take me up wrong on this, I don't resent it...
They are my family, I love them and and family is all about support
I mean its a 2way street, I'm widowed and without my family's supporting me and minding me through the rough times I don't know if I'd have pulled through myself

Now that said, I have one child...A son who is, and will remain an only child.
I'd always planned on only 1 child, and had a vasectomy to be certain back in 2009(Which will likely be a source of conflict for me in any future relationship, but I'll cross that bridge if I ever come to it)
He has plenty of aunts, uncles(Indeed there are only 4yrs between my son and my youngest brother and they have a very 'brothery' relationship) and cousins aswell as plenty of friends.

I think having more kids to provide your 1st born with a social outlet or too spread the potential future responsibility of parental care is just plain wrong.
Teaching children to socialise, the skills to build healthy friendships and relationships, to recognise toxic ones, to be personable and well rounded is much easier done in a big social circle than by lumping siblings together and saying ye're related get along!
I have 4 brothers and 3 sisters, and to be honest until I was well into my 20's myself and the next 2 eldest didn't get along...
And the younger siblings were more an imposition on me than a social outlet

Make the choice that you feel is right for you, because the best way to be sure you have a happy and content little person, is for them to have happy and content parents

LegacyUser

Regarding the issue of being an only child and having to look after ill parents having loads of siblings will not automatically make it better. My father comes from a family of 12 and when their father was ill it was left to the oldest sister to look after him. The eldest sibling had left the country and wouldn't come back so as next eldest it was viewed as her job. There was no offer to help money or time wise from any of the other siblings. Caused a major fall out that last years with several of them still not speaking to each other. My mother has the same on her side with 5 of them there is one sister that their mother puts everything on even when the other siblings try to help the mother ignores them and wants this one sister to do everything.

Every family is different and the family adapts to the make up of the family not the other way round. 3rd world families want lots of sons as the death rate is high and they are likely to loose several children before then reach adulthood and the few that do live are to look after the parents, as the parent would expect to move into their childs home and have the family take care of them but with the better health care we have here both child and parent are more likely to have better health for longer and the likely hood is that the parents themselves will look after their own retirement fund for when the stop working there isn't the same need for us to have large families anymore.

OP just ignore the people who ask your about siblings.....these are the same people who keep asking are you dating and as soon as your are it's when are you getting married followed by when are you having kids. If you were planning more kids they'd still be there with questions asking when your having the next kid as they'd have opinions on how big a gap you should have between siblings.

LegacyUser

I don't think your son will suffer if he has no siblings. I know two men both aged 40 who are only children and they are very well adjusted men. The have a few things in common.
They both helped in family business from a young age so they knew that Mammy and Daddy had to work hard to afford things. They did not get everything they wanted growing up. They were involved with a number of different organisations as children such as sports and scouts and had a lot of friends growing up.
The most important thing to know as your son grows up that he is his own person and not some way for you to live out your dreams. It is important for you to have time as a couple and with friends as a happy mother is good for a child.
In regards to people staying to you when will you have another child ask them when will you have another child or why did you not have any or more children.
You have made a decision to have one child due to your own particular circumstances and this is no other person business.
A child deserves to have parents that want and love them.

lace

Hi OP!

I'm an only child and, for the most part, I love it!

I didn't go to playschool but did have cousins and neighbours to play with. As an only child, I grew up able to entertain myself - read, draw, play alone. Even to this day, I can never understand how my friends can complain about being "bored" when they have access to books and television and the internet!

As for being spoiled - my parents never spoiled me. Many of my friends who are from larger families or are the youngest in the family or the only girl/boy are far more spoiled than I ever was as an only child.

The only issue that I have with being an only child is the fact that I will never have biological nephews and nieces. My aunties and uncles played such a huge role in my upbringing, I would like to be able to play that role in the lives of amazing little people too.

Bride2012

You might get might responses if it's moved to parenting. I'm planning on having one child and hoping that cousins and play dates will balance this.

This book was recommended to me by a friend as a practical guide but I haven't read it yet.

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Parenting-Only-Child-Challenges-Raising/dp/0767906292/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1328628793&sr=1-1