Three's a crowd

pencilsharp

I have two really close best friends, lets call them Ann and Jane! Last year the three of us were supposed to go inter-railing around Europe. I worked with Ann and she was the one who introduced me to Jane, they went to college together, so obviously they've been friends a lot longer. But the three of us became really close and I often did things with Jane on my own that Ann wasn't interested in but was always invited to. So I considered us to be friends on an equal par really if that makes sense.

Anyway as I said we were supposed to go inter-railing last year but it felt awkward and I pulled out a few months before we went and decided not to go. The reason I decided not to go was because Ann and Jane were organising things without discussing it with me. For example they booked a hotel and paid for it, which was fairly expensive, without discussing it with me, luckily the money wasn't an issue but it could have been. Another issue is we'd always set a certain date (we'd been planning this trip for over a year) to go but because Jane had decided to stay on in Sweden cos she got offered a job they changed the dates again with little consideration to me.

I just felt like three was a crowd. I told them this and they flipped on me! Basically saying I was irrational and paranoid ans it was my own hang up. They wouldn't take any responsibility for it at all! We had a very awkward few months before they went and never really came to a resolution on it and it kind of just slipped under the carpet. They went off and had there few months away and Jane stayed on and Ann came home. I communicated with Jane through facebook, emails and occasional phone calls but I was always the one who initiated the phone calls but I knew Jane and Ann talked weekly, it didn't really bother me. Things were fine with myself and Ann we talked and met up regularly.

Fast forward to a few weeks ago and Jane came home for a week. I met up with Jane once for coffee with Ann and that was it, but I see through facebook that Ann and Jane have been out for dinner, out clubbing, away in a hotel for a night, all without asking me!

Jane is now back in Sweden but this has really gotten to me so I text Ann two weeks ago and told her how I felt. That basically I felt excluded while Jane was here and that it had upset me. That I was glad I didn't go inter-railing as I would have hated to have felt like this away from home! Ann basically flipped at me! Saying she was glad I didn't go inter-railing either cos she would have felt on edge if I had of been there and they had an amazing time without me. She said she didn't see what my problem was and that she could what she wanted when she wanted and that she wasn't answerable to me! That she didn't know if we could continue to be friends if 'I carried on like this'!

Now I never asked her to answer to me and never expected to be asked out to all their meet ups but just even one. I said this to her and she just said she didn't want to talk about it anymore she needed time to think and see where we could move on from here. Its been two weeks since its happened and I've heard nothing, surely two weeks is enough time to think? Do you think I am being irrational? Should I contact her? Do you think our friendship is over?

To add salt to the the wound herself and Jane have been putting comments on facebook like 'Miss you my best friend, theres nobody like you' and 'This time last week we were having a great time sipping cocktail' loads of stuff like that! Now we are in our 30s surely thats childish?

I also was asked and did pay for that hotel they had booked for inter-railing. To also add I never was resentful of their trip, I commented on their pictures on facebook. Asked them loads of questions about their plans before they went and wished them well on their travels!

silly

This is all very childish stuff if you ask me.
I think you could have saved yourself alot of grief if you had voiced your concerns about them organising things instead of throwing your toys out of the pram and deciding not to go atall! If ye were all that close to begin with you should have been able to sit them down and say to them, hey, quit organising things without me!"....

Daisy M

Your right this does all sound extremely childish I thought you were all late teens early 20s until I read the end of your post.

I have to say from the outset your behaviour sounds off. You complained about the cost of the hotel but you say that the money wasnt a problem, presumably they knew this too. The date change was because one girl got a job did this affect you in any way did you have to alter anything with your work ect. If so it was unfair that you werent consulted.

The way you handled the last issue was wrong. You should have spoke in person with Ann and obviously telling her by text that you were glad you never went interrailing with them was inflamatory and childish. I am not saying your friends are blame free but from what you have posted you are coming across as picky and creating issues where there was none.

The other two probably grew closer on holidays and you have been left behind. The facebook updates are extremely childish I think you should do yourself a favour and move on these friendships have ran their course.

fungun

pencilsharp wrote: »

Things were fine with myself and Ann we talked and met up regularly.

Fast forward to a few weeks ago and Jane came home for a week. I met up with Jane once for coffee with Ann and that was it, but I see through facebook that Ann and Jane have been out for dinner, out clubbing, away in a hotel for a night, all without asking me!

To add salt to the the wound herself and Jane have been putting comments on facebook like 'Miss you my best friend, theres nobody like you' and 'This time last week we were having a great time sipping cocktail' loads of stuff like that! Now we are in our 30s surely thats childish?

My opinion:
- the hotel/interrailing thing was a bit thoughtless of them as you were coming along - but you say you had gotten over that
- anything since (i.e. the bits bolded above) make you sound irrationally jealous of their friendship. They have been friends since college, why wouldnt they go out without asking you? And why wouldnt they comment on each others facebooks like that.

Its not 'rubbing salt to the wound', this is pretty normal behaviour if you ask me. Cannot see why this would upset you.

pencilsharp

I wasn't complaining about the cost of the hotel but I was just pointing out that they booked something above what we had originally said we would spend on hotels without consulting me. They wouldn't have known I had enough money to pay for it.

I'm a bit taken a back to see that most of you think the problem solely lies with me. I know I'm not blame free by any means but I do feel they have some responsibility to take

Julie London

pencilsharp wrote: »

I wasn't complaining about the cost of the hotel but I was just pointing out that they booked something above what we had originally said we would spend on hotels without consulting me. They wouldn't have known I had enough money to pay for it.

I'm a bit taken a back to see that most of you think the problem solely lies with me. I know I'm not blame free by any means but I do feel they have some responsibility to take

Pencilsharp I really think the 2 girls were proper best mates before you. They prob class you as a good friend. But their bond is deeper. And there is nothing wrong with them wanting to go out without you. Your emails are childish and if a friend emailed me such things I would let them have it too. Your creating drama in your own and in their lives. Why would they want to be around you. You need to chill out and just accept that your not as close as you assumed. Maybe even apologise for your emails and hope they eventually come around. lifes too short to make enemies.

Sleepy

Look at this realistically:

How big a difference was the date change? Moving dates around because of a job (which was no doubt paying for her trip) certainly isn't just changing things on a whim. Perhaps they thought that since you were all such good friends you'd realise this?

TBH, it sounds like this isn't a 3 way friendship: sounds far more like you're friends with
Ann who's also friends with Jane. There's nothing wrong with that, I've plenty of friends that I wouldn't meet up with on my own but that I'd see regularly as part of a group and would regard the group as being lesser without their presence.

The issue here really seems to be one of you not being happy about being the centre of the friendship and with your backing out of the trip and subsequent dramatic "I feel like you excluded me WAH!!!" you've pretty much set up a "them vs you" scenario that you're not going to win. They've been friends a lot longer than you've been around and will probably continue to do be friends long after you've gone.

pencilsharp

As I said at the beginning of my post I was friends with Jane independent of Ann we often did things together without Ann cos Ann hadn't got the same interest in certain things we had and we'd even been away on holidays without Ann.

woodchuck

They were probably wrong in the way they went about organising inter-railing.

BUT I think the main issue here is that those two are just closer friends with each other than they are with you. They’ve known each other longer and now they’ve been inter-railing just the two of them, which also would’ve made them closer. I know you think the 3 of you were on equal footing for a while (maybe that’s true), but it doesn’t sound like it’s the case anymore.

It doesn’t sound like they were intentionally excluding you (it’s not like they were sneaking around behind your back or lying to you?). They did meet up with you once while she was home. If you wanted to meet up more often you could have made more arrangements yourself. It’s not unusual for two ‘best friends’ to do things just the two of them. You can’t expect to be included in everything all the time. They don’t owe you any explanations if they want to hang out as just the two of them (within reason; eg it would be poor form if they did an activity together that you had explicitly expressed an interest in and didn’t invite you along).

If you want to salvage your friendships with them I think you have to come to terms with the fact that while they value your friendship, they’re just much closer to each other than they are to you.

pencilsharp

woodchuck wrote: »

They were probably wrong in the way they went about organising inter-railing.

BUT I think the main issue here is that those two are just closer friends with each other than they are with you. They’ve known each other longer and now they’ve been inter-railing just the two of them, which also would’ve made them closer. I know you think the 3 of you were on equal footing for a while (maybe that’s true), but it doesn’t sound like it’s the case anymore.

It doesn’t sound like they were intentionally excluding you (it’s not like they were sneaking around behind your back or lying to you?). They did meet up with you once while she was home. If you wanted to meet up more often you could have made more arrangements yourself. It’s not unusual for two ‘best friends’ to do things just the two of them. You can’t expect to be included in everything all the time. They don’t owe you any explanations if they want to hang out as just the two of them (within reason; eg it would be poor form if they did an activity together that you had explicitly expressed an interest in and didn’t invite you along).

If you want to salvage your friendships with them I think you have to come to terms with the fact that while they value your friendship, they’re just much closer to each other than they are to you.

Thank you for your advice.

I understand they can do things together without me and I totally except that. Its just not to be asked to ANY of the events when they knew I would have enjoyed it (I was the one who had initiated coffee). I had suggested going for cocktails when we went for coffee but it was brushed aside. I don't know maybe I just need to move on and forget them? Maybe they see me as a burden? Or a third wheel?

Its hard though, we've been through a lot together. Its not a friendship I want to lose, but I think they need to take some responsibility for this too. I haven't just imagined these scenarios.

Babooshka

pencilsharp wrote: »

Thank you for your advice.

I understand they can do things together without me and I totally except that. Its just not to be asked to ANY of the events when they knew I would have enjoyed it (I was the one who had initiated coffee). I had suggested going for cocktails when we went for coffee but it was brushed aside. I don't know maybe I just need to move on and forget them? Maybe they see me as a burden? Or a third wheel?

Its hard though, we've been through a lot together. Its not a friendship I want to lose, but I think they need to take some responsibility for this too. I haven't just imagined these scenarios.

It doesn't really matter except that you seem to feel pretty bad about yourself and them, they are lowering your general feelings so let them on. Other posters have said they think the whole thing's childish and insinuated you're not without blame for that, and maybe so, but I can't stand being ganged up on or excluded by people myself and I don't think it matters how long their freindhsip goes back, it doesn't give them the right to treat anyone as an inferior life form.

Why are you asking people you don't know how these girls see you? Does how you feel about them not matter more? I don't mean to offend you but you come accross as extremely low in self esteem and I think you need to take your self respect back.

F*ck them, is what I think, and just get on with your life. If there's lesson to be learned from it, it is to talk to people face to face when you deal with them, and treat them as you'd like to be treated and hold that back up to them, if they aren't treating you the way you need to be treated, walk.

pencilsharp

Thanks Babooshka.

I suppose I really am low in self esteem, its a problem I've always really had. And something I've tried for years to resolve that.

I know I hold some of the blame in all this situation, I've never denied that. I dealt with the situation in the wrong way, they deserved to be spoken to face to face.

Babooshka

pencilsharp wrote: »

Thanks Babooshka.

I suppose I really am low in self esteem, its a problem I've always really had. And something I've tried for years to resolve that.

I know I hold some of the blame in all this situation, I've never denied that. I dealt with the situation in the wrong way, they deserved to be spoken to face to face.

...and maybe you also deserved a second chance, even if they were angry about how you handled things the first time around when you were upset about them organising everything without asking you how you felt. It sounds like they just pulled the trigger without looking at their own behaviour as well and they can't act independently of each other, so you'll always be one down on them in this. I can only go on what you say in your posts.

A cyber hug for you today from me. I'd forget about them, do a bit of work on yourself and make some new friends who will talk it out with you when it's needed and not lash out at you in pairs, it's not on really. You have made the effort to build the bridges by contacting them etc. Next stop is danger of becoming a doormat, please don't, you deserve better for yourself. Loneliness is awful but it's better to stick that out and work on yourself to finding better friends than being involved with people who'd have no respect for your feelings. Good luck hun.

woodchuck

It’s up to you whether you think these friendships are worth working on or not. To be perfectly honest though I suspect you might always feel like a bit of a ‘third wheel’. Three is never a good number… it almost always ends up that two are closer and it’s not nice to be 3rd person in that situation.

I’m hoping for your sake that you have other friends? Or if not then it might be time to reconnect with some old friends or try to make some new ones.

pencilsharp

Thanks for the positive and supportive replies. And especially thanks for the cyber hug, it was much needed :-)

I do have other friends but these two girls I considered to be my BEST friends, oh well, life goes on!

I don't know what to do, I would love to salvage the friendship BUT this time not at the expensive of me stepping back and taking all the blame like I did over the inter-railing business.