What to do?

LegacyUser

A close friend of mine is planning a trip during the summer for two months. It would be a working holiday in somewhere like Canada. He has asked me to come with him but there is only one problem, I don't want to leave my girlfriend.

I know this holiday would only be for two months but I only get to see my girlfriend at weekends, as we go to different colleges, and even then for only a few hours as she is under a lot of pressure getting her masters this year. This lack of contact has been frustrating for both of us (we have been together a year) so we have been looking forward to summer where we can spend large chunks of time together and really enjoy each others company. She doesn't know about this proposed holiday (as I'm still thinking about it so don't want to cause any unnecessary stress) but I know she would be terribly disappointed that we wont have this much needed time together. This isn't one sided, the thoughts of leaving her for two months is pretty unattractive to me too.

But I don't want to lose this opportunity. What if I don't go and we end up breaking up during the summer? I don't see that honestly happening, but you can never predict the future. I think I could end up really regretting it if I didn't go when I would hear all the fun they are having, adventures etc but it would also be so hard missing her for two months. I would love to ask her to go too but she doesn't have a job and it would be quite costly

I really, really don't want to leave her but I don't want to stall my life for romance. I just don't know!

ManOfMystery

No-one can tell you what to do here. It has to be your choice.

My only advice would be that in the grand scheme of things, 2 months is nothing. If you and your gf couldn't manage that amount of time apart without breaking up, the relationship couldn't have been strong enough in the first place. I'm sure she would be a bit put out (initially) about you going, but she also has to recognise it's a fantastic opportunity and it's only for a relatively short period of time. Many people go travelling for a year or longer while in relationships.

I assume you're around 20-ish if you're both at college. I'm 34 now, and when I look back on some things I turned down around the same age (a month here, or 3 months there) because I was in a relationship then and didn't want to jeopardise it by travelling, I sometimes wish someone had came along and knocked some sense into me. I can barely even remember what I did with my ex those months I didn't go away, but I'm sure a trip to Canada would have had a much more lasting effect on me.

BattleCorp

Talk to your girlfriend about it. Maybe she won't mind you going. As already mentioned, only you can make the call on whether to go or not.

gmac102

go you live once

if she loves u she would support u its two months thats not that long

vicecreamsundae

If I were your girlfriend and we only saw each other at weekends and were really looking forward to spending the summer together, then I'd be pretty pissed off if you turned around and said you were going to canada with your mates instead. maybe that makes me a bad or selfish person, but it would really hurt my feelings.

how would your mates feel about her coming too? I know you said you don't think she can afford it, but maybe her parents would loan her some money (if it's a working holiday as you said, then she mightn't need that much, and can pay them back afterwards). Or maybe she could get a job after she finishes college before ye head off?

of course maybe she won't mind at all and will be excited for you. but I think you should just be prepared that she *might* be really hurt by it, it could even be a dealbreaker. two-month holidays with your mates are (in my opinion) the kind of thing you generally have to give up when you're in a serious relationship.

I know others are saying it's only two months, and if she doesn't support you then she doesn't love you, but it's not "only two months" -it's two of the only months in the year ye get to spend a decent amount of time together.

and remember, you're only 20 so this isn't a "once in a lifetime opportunity". you can do a 2 year visa to canada up until the age of 35. personally I'd never waste a one year visa by only doing two months. (unless this is a summer only visa or something)

lace

Hi OP!

I'd really like to say that if I was in your girlfriend's position I'd be really supportive of this opportunity and that I would encourage my boyfriend to do whatever made him most happy, even if that wasn't staying with me......I'd like to say that because I know it's the "correct" answer. And if he came to me tomorrow I'd probably tell him to go and enjoy himself and not to worry about me. But he can always tell when I'm secretly upset. And I would be secretly upset.

I believe that being in a relationship does not mean you should have any less of a connection with your friends. You haven't given up your "right" to go on holidays with your friends and have fun with them.

If I was in your girlfriend's position, however, I would be upset that my boyfriend wanted to scrap the plan of a lovely summer together in favour of heading off to Canada with friends. I wouldn't stop him, and I believe that a relationship should be able to survive a couple of months apart without falling to pieces, but I would be sad that he was scrapping the plans we'd made.

All that said, it doesn't mean that she can't get over it. Yes, it would be upsetting and, yes, it might be a bit difficult, but I'm sure she has her own friends and a life here. As upset as I would be in her position, my life would not grind to a halt just because my boyfriend went on holidays for the summer.

From reading your post, it sounds like you really really want to go. If travelling and seeing the world is important to you then you should do it while you can. If your relationship is strong then it will definitely survive a couple of months apart. Be sure to let your girlfriend know that you will do everything you can to see her as much as possible before you go and when you get back though. Maybe she could save over the summer and you could try to save some of your money and the two of you could have a week together somewhere (even somewhere cheap in Ireland) when you get back?

livinsane

I was on the other side. When I was in college, my then boyfriend went on a J1 with his friends. I stayed at home. It was grand. In spite of myself, I was probably a bit put out at the beginning (more to do with the fact that I knew I'd have a boring time in comparison) but had a grand summer. We resumed after as normal.

I've learned since that you have to make your own fun path in life, and not rely on other people, even partners.

Perhaps suggest that she visit for a holiday if that's possible?

Even though its not a once in a lifetime experience, it can be quite difficult to do this with friends as you get older, with every one going their own ways.

solovely

Like Man of mystery, when I was your age, I turned down a chance to go on a proper J1 because I wanted to spend the summer with my then boyfriend. Looking back now, it's one of my only regrets of those days. Obviously we didn't stay together. We did have a great time, but when others my age talk about their J1s I do always feel like i missed out on something.

On the other hand, ten years on, my now boyfriend has been offered the chance to work in another country for 3 months this year. It never even occurred to me to feel put out or hard done by or make him feel bad for taking the opportunity. We get these once in a lifetime opportunities, and need to grab them when they come along, anyone who would resent you for taking an opportunity like this probably isn't really the type of person you would like to spend your life with anyway.

I would imagine though that your girlfriend will feel disappointed and probably a bit jealous and pissed off that she can't afford it, not that you're going without her. If it is a working holiday visa is there no way that she could borrow or save the flight money and pay it back while working there during the summer? That's what people did before the Celtic Tiger days anyway! I can imagine from her point of view that it will be hard to be sitting at home bored while you enjoy yourself, so if you do go, make sure to bear that in mind.

My sister went away for a month last year while her boyfriend was in college, and all he did for the whole month was moan and complain about how bored and lonely he was. he didn't want to hear anything about her travels. That to me, is extremely petty and childish and would definitely make me rethink a relationship.