Family feuds and facebook

LegacyUser

I’m going to try and keep this as short as possible as there’s a LOT of backstory, but I’ll try to summarise the key points.

My mother has never gotten on well with her family. Over the years there have been many many on and off again feuds.

One of the latest developments is that my mams sister has removed her as a friend on facebook (I know it shouldn’t be a big deal, but bare with me). As a result my mother has decided herself that this means her sister never wants anything to do with her again and they haven’t spoken since (neither one has made the effort to contact the other).

However, now whenever I am over visiting my parents my mother always asks to see her sisters facebook page through my account (I’m still friends with her. On facebook anyway, we’re not particularly close in person but have never had a fight either). So far I’ve let her do this, but I’m getting more and more unconformable with it. For her own reasons my aunt doesn’t want my mam viewing her page and I feel like I should respect her wishes. I’ve tried to talk to my parents about this before but it always starts turning into a row of ‘who’s side are you on’ and I cave in.

I know something about my aunt that I’m not supposed to (through a 3rd party who confided in me, but my aunt didn’t confide in me herself). I’m starting to see clues about this ‘secret’ appearing on facebook and I’m afraid if I let my mam keep viewing her page she’ll eventually put two and two together. If my aunt wanted my mam to know she would’ve told her or would have least kept her as a friend on facebook. Or if my mam cared enough to pick up the phone she might’ve found out for herself from the horses mouth. I just don’t want to be the reason my mam finds out and I don’t want my aunt to know that I was the reason either.

So to cut a long story short, how do I tell my parents (cause my Dad always weighs in heavily…) that I don’t want them to look at my aunts facebook page through my account without having a fight about it? They’re both extremely stubborn and arrogant and logic is usually a lost cause with them. As is baring my emotions on anything… I’ve tried this before for something else and have had it thrown back in my face.

Beruthiel

Bunch of children.
There are a various privacy settings on Facebook.
How difficult would it have been for your aunt to leave your Mother as a friend and have her under a limited privacy setting where your Ma would have seen sweet feck all of what her sister was posting.

As for them wanting to see via your Facebook.
Stand up for yourself and tell them that you are no longer getting involved in their family feud.
Tell your mother that if she wishes to know about her sister then she can damn well get in touch with her and you are no longer allowing yourself to be used like this.

I'm pretty sure if I were to act like your Ma my daughter wouldn't be long telling me what she thinks.

LegacyUser

Beruthiel wrote: »

Bunch of children.
There are a various privacy settings on Facebook.
How difficult would it have been for your aunt to leave your Mother as a friend and have her under a limited privacy setting where your Ma would have seen sweet feck all of what her sister was posting.

Well I think there’s more to it than just not wanting her to see her profile though… I’m fairly sure it’s because my aunt is mad at my mam over something else as well (and I think she has a right to be and I warned my mam before she took this action). But again, this was confirmed by a 3rd party, so I’m not at liberty to discuss with my mother without breaking the trust with this person.

I think a lot of it stems from a lack of communication. As far as I can see there’s blame on both sides (naturally), but the problem is my mother will NEVER admit she’s wrong about anything. As far as she’s concerned she’s always 100% right and the other person is 100% wrong (and my Dad thinks the same and backs her up completely).

Beruthiel wrote: »

As for them wanting to see via your Facebook.
Stand up for yourself and tell them that you are no longer getting involved in their family feud.
Tell your mother that if she wishes to know about her sister then she can damn well get in touch with her and you are no longer allowing yourself to be used like this.

I'm pretty sure if I were to act like your Ma my daughter wouldn't be long telling me what she thinks.

I know what you’re saying is right, it’s just easier said than done. I’ve grown more of a backbone with them in recent years but as a result I feel our relationship has gotten a bit rocky. I guess I just don’t want to end up in a childish feud with them myself. My mother is VERY sensitive about her family issues and if I don’t appear to be 100% ‘on her side’ she gets really upset. As in full on tears and dramatics of ‘everyone hates me, I must be a horrible person/mother for you to think like that’ etc (she has very low self esteem). And my Dad gets very angry that I’ve upset my mother and starts treating me like a child again saying things like ‘you shouldn’t upset your mother, apologise to her!’. The bottom line is that they still see me as a child (I’m mid-late 20s living out of home) and their opinions are automatically right because they’re older and therefore ‘wiser’.

boy, wasn't life so much more simple before facebook? giving people a licence to become stalkers was never a good idea, and when someone is "dropped" by another person, of course its bound to cause ill will and bad feelings

Your mam needs to grow up, think about how silly that sounds "family fued over facebook" - how would the situation between your aunt and you mam have played out 10 years ago? - a lot more maturally im guessing, and you need to tell her that.

I can totally understand why you are uncomfortable in the middle but you need to tell your mam that if she wants to know whats going on with your aunt then she should pick up the phone and communicate the "old fashioned" way.

LegacyUser

Deleted User wrote: »

boy, wasn't life so much more simple before facebook? giving people a licence to become stalkers was never a good idea, and when someone is "dropped" by another person, of course its bound to cause ill will and bad feelings

Your mam needs to grow up, think about how silly that sounds "family fued over facebook" - how would the situation between your aunt and you mam have played out 10 years ago? - a lot more maturally im guessing, and you need to tell her that.

Sorry, I didn’t mean that the feud itself is because of facebook (that’s only a small part of it)… that’s just how I’ve managed to be dragged into it now.

And 10 years ago things were just as immature! This has been going on my whole life (between my mam and several siblings… she’s also not on good terms with the rest of them either, but I could go on all day if I went into it all!). This goes back to stuff that happened before I was even born and before they were married. My parents really know how to hold a grudge!

When I was younger I didn’t know any better, I just assumed my parents were right. As a teenager/young adult I was a shoulder for my mam to cry on and would try to comfort her as best I could. But as I got older I started to see things from both sides and how unreasonable my parents can be at times. But any time I try to play devils advocate (in a very sugar coated way I might add) it just ends badly for me. So I’ve learned to just nod along and keep my mouth shut for the most part or change the subject to get the point across that I don’t want to get involved. Just with the whole facebook thing now I feel like I’m being dragged into it so I have to say something.

Deleted User wrote: »

I can totally understand why you are uncomfortable in the middle but you need to tell your mam that if she wants to know whats going on with your aunt then she should pick up the phone and communicate the "old fashioned" way.

I’ve told her this a few times, but her response is always the same: 'I'm not going to go talk to her when she obviously doesn't want to talk to me'. But yet she’s perfectly happy to ‘spy’ on her through facebook.

ongarboy

Hi OP, you can give all the reasons in the world but along as you keep letting your mother view your aunt's profile on FB, you are enabling her extremely immature behaviour. Stand up and challenge your mother's behaviour (eg ask why if she is so put out by her sister would she even care what is going on in sister's life? Tell her the opposite to love of someone is indifference and she is most certainly not being indifferent here as she cares very much about everything her sis is up to!)

Stand up like the mid to late 20 something adult you are and say you will not be a party to this immature nonsense any longer. And if Mom starts the usual manipulative bawling and no-one loves me routine, tell her you've heard it all before and that you are not going to be subjected to her pathetic excuse of emotional blackmail or guilt tripping any longer. The same goes for Dad who is just as immature reinforcing his wife's appalling behaviour. You say you don't live with them any longer so it's not like you have to endure them under the same roof at all times in case things go sour temporarily between you all. Tell them you love them and you will be there for them but only when they start behaving like responsible adults.

They might get a shock and lash out at you initially but perhaps they may respect you more for not being their doormat if you stick to your guns. I know it's hard to challenge parents but in this case they are 100% in the wrong as regards this attitude. I'm not commenting on the family history or backstory as that is not relevant here. The longer you tolerate and enable their behaviour, the worse they will get. Good luck!

pencilsharp

If you don't live with your parents could you just not go on facebook in their house? Wait until you're in your own place?

I'm not trying to be smart but I used to have a similar situation with facebook and my friend wanting to keep looking at her exes page through my page but I just stopped going on facebook around her. And if she did ask for me to log on I'd just tell her I was only on it awhile ago. She used to get peed off at first but she soon forgot to ask as we got distracted with other things.

LegacyUser

pencilsharp wrote: »

If you don't live with your parents could you just not go on facebook in their house? Wait until you're in your own place?

I'm not trying to be smart but I used to have a similar situation with facebook and my friend wanting to keep looking at her exes page through my page but I just stopped going on facebook around her. And if she did ask for me to log on I'd just tell her I was only on it awhile ago. She used to get peed off at first but she soon forgot to ask as we got distracted with other things.

Yeah I’ve stopped logging on when I’m over there, but she still asks me to specifically log in for her to look at her sisters page. So if I try to say no, that’s when the arguing starts.

Thanks for all the advice guys, it’s good to know that I’m not the only one who thinks this behaviour is really immature! I do plan to say no and try to stick to my guns the next time I’m over there. I guess I was just hoping there might be some magical solution to avoid having a row with them about it, but I guess not

I don’t live there but I do occasionally spend the night (maybe once every 2 or 3 weeks). Other times I’m just there for a couple of hours, so I think I’ll intentionally try to make the next time one of these shorter visits so that if things go badly wrong I don’t have to stay in that toxic atmosphere for longer than necessary!

trio

Could you say you've left FB? That you've deactivated your own account cos you just went off it?

Or would they find out?

LegacyUser

trio wrote: »

Could you say you've left FB? That you've deactivated your own account cos you just went off it?

Or would they find out?

I’m pretty sure she’d find out. I’m a fairly active facebook user so I don’t think they believe that I just went off it! I’m also friends with my mother on it and we have enough mutual friends that she’d eventually notice if I commented on one of their status update or photos or something.

I’m also a terrible liar :P

LegacyUser

Temporarily "unfriend" your aunt?

tinkerbell

OP, I think you just have to say it straight out to your parents. Tell them you're sick of being in the middle and you don't think it's fair on your aunt that your mother is using you to spy on your aunt. Ask your mother how would she feel if situations were reversed and your aunt was using one of her children to spy on your mother, when your mother did not want her seeing her page.

And tbh this whole crying and being a gigantic drama queen - don't fall for it. Tell them that you're no longer enabling this ridiculous behaviour and are being the adult in the situation. If your mom wants to find out what's going on in her aunt's life, well then she has to make friends with her again.

shinikins

OP, I get the feeling that despite the very good advice offered here, you won't be standing up to your parents. I would suggest that when your going to your parents house, block your aunts profile, and when your mother asks you to log in so she can snoop, she won't be able to find her sister's profile. Tell her you don't know what happened, tell her you deleted her because you were sick of having to give access to your mother, act dumb. You can unblock your aunt later when you get home, and your mother won't know the difference. The only problem with this plan, is that you will have to block and unblock your aunts profile every time you go to see your parents.

Or you could just stand up to them. Every child has to stand up to their parents at some stage, and gain the respect that is due to them. You are allowing your parents to treat you like a child, and the only way that will stop is if you make them see that you are an adult, who can make adult decisions.

Best of luck.

LegacyUser

ljlkj wrote: »

Temporarily "unfriend" your aunt?

I had considered doing this, but I think it could potentially cause even more problems! I run the risk of either offending my Aunt or else having to explain to her why I feel the need to do this.

tinkerbell wrote: »

OP, I think you just have to say it straight out to your parents. Tell them you're sick of being in the middle and you don't think it's fair on your aunt that your mother is using you to spy on your aunt. Ask your mother how would she feel if situations were reversed and your aunt was using one of her children to spy on your mother, when your mother did not want her seeing her page.

My aunt doesn’t have children, but I get your point I suppose I just find it ridiculous that I even have to justify my decision to her at all!

shinikins wrote: »

OP, I get the feeling that despite the very good advice offered here, you won't be standing up to your parents. I would suggest that when your going to your parents house, block your aunts profile, and when your mother asks you to log in so she can snoop, she won't be able to find her sister's profile. Tell her you don't know what happened, tell her you deleted her because you were sick of having to give access to your mother, act dumb. You can unblock your aunt later when you get home, and your mother won't know the difference. The only problem with this plan, is that you will have to block and unblock your aunts profile every time you go to see your parents.

Or you could just stand up to them. Every child has to stand up to their parents at some stage, and gain the respect that is due to them. You are allowing your parents to treat you like a child, and the only way that will stop is if you make them see that you are an adult, who can make adult decisions.

Best of luck.

Thanks skinikins, that’s some good advice there about the blocking/unblocking. I’ll keep that in mind as a plan B!

I genuinely do plan to stand up for myself on this one though. I have stood up to them in other situations in the past year, it just never seems to go well. It feels like a constant struggle to try and get them to see me as an adult, but I’ll keep on trying

Beruthiel

wanttodotherightthing wrote: »

My mother is VERY sensitive about her family issues and if I don’t appear to be 100% ‘on her side’ she gets really upset. As in full on tears and dramatics of ‘everyone hates me, I must be a horrible person/mother for you to think like that’ etc (she has very low self esteem).

Someone like that should not be entertained while in the throws of their hysterics.
It is passive aggressive behaviour, emotional blackmail.
If someone acted like that around me, I'd pull them up on it.
It is the kind of behaviour you would see in a 15 year old teenage girl and your mother is waaaay past the age where she can pull that kind of crap.
If she has low self esteem then she should do something about it.
Do not feel obliged to enable that kind behaviour.

Babooshka

Your mother sounds like a sibling of mine. I don't do the facebook thing mind you, but I do get the whole vibe you're talking about. My sister does not speak to the rest of us for her own, neurotic, insecure, angry reasons. I have never had so much peace in my life I might add! I guess I could be your aunt in this situation, apart from the fact I don't have a FB account! Anyway, all I can add to what everyone else has said, is that you won't get any peace out of your Mother, regardless of what you do, it'll never be the right thing, because she most likely magnifies everything that is said and done and takes it from a paranoid viewpoint. So you're better off doing what your own moral compass tells you to, it'll help you sleep better at night if you listen to what your own inner voices tell you. Don't do anything against your own values to stop your Mother from throwing a spasmo fit....if she can't control her own feelings , well, it's not up to you to control them for her.

It's really hard. I am quite happy that my crazy is on the other side of the world now. At times I can't believe I have become one of those people who has a sister they never speak to ...I don't think you ever believe it will be your family, that you'll be more grown up and not let a long term feud happen...but if someone is that difficult, they sap your energy and you have to walk away sometimes to get some peace and sanity back in your life. She did the same thing with my nieces and nephews i.e made it a loyalty competition and threatened them with emotional abandonment if they contacted us, so in turn, they have missed out knowing their aunts and uncles because of her insecurity.

Just don't blame yourself for not doing the "right thing" With people like that you're damned if you do, damned if you don't, so I would just say do what you feel is right for you. I feel your pain about the irrational behaviour...it sucks...best of luck, stand up to her, it won't feel like it's "going well" because you are a normal sane person who doesn't want conflict but unfortunately with bullies like this, conflict is what is takes, uncomfortable and all as it is. B

Nyan Cat

I know the kind of person you mean. It doesn't matter what you do - it'll be the wrong thing to her. The only time a person like that is happy is when you appear to be a mind reader and do everything the way she wants it.

The only solution apart from the block unblock thing that I can think of: tell her next time she asks you to do it say no because I don't feel comfortable with anyone else using my own Facebook account or being used as a middleman. She will be pissed. She will throw a bitch fit. But she will have to accept it - if she hasn't got your password. If the scene gets all too much I'd walk out if it were me. While telling her 'I'll let things calm down and call you tomorrow, love you mum' ignore any guilt tripping from your dad.

That's what I'd do but you know yourself what's best

LegacyUser

Thanks guys, it’s good to know there are other people who know the type of person I'm trying to reason with!

My parents aren’t all bad btw, they can be very kind and loving in other ways. They’re just unbelievably stubborn and immature when it comes to ‘standing their ground’!

I’m hoping to make it over to them for a while this weekend… so hopefully I can get things sorted then Thanks again for all the advice, I really appreciate it!!

LegacyUser

OP here. Just wanted to update the situation and look for reassurance that I did the right thing

It took longer than I thought for my mam to ask to see one her sisters facebook profiles through my account again, but it happened today and I stuck to my guns and didn't let her! It was actually a slightly different situation than I previously posted about though. She wanted to see a different sisters profile (aunt#2) than I originally posted about because a friend of my mams had said to her 'oh have you seen all the lovely new pics aunt#2 has on facebook?!'. So she asked to see them when I was visiting. (actually I think the photos were posted by aunt#1 and aunt#2 is just tagged in them, if that makes any difference, but I just fained ignorance about having seen any new photos at all though). I suppose the situation with aunt#2 is different to aunt#1 because my mam has actually asked to talk about the issues they have but aunt#2 doesn't want to even acknowledge that there is a problem.

But it comes back to the original issue that I don't want to be put in the middle by it all! So I said no... and as predicted there was a lot of upset and crying and verbal lashing out etc. Eventually my mam calmed down a bit and told me she was sorry for lashing out at me. But she still doesn't understand why I don't want her to look at her sisters profile through mine. Her and my dad kept trying to compromise with me by saying 'just do it this time and we won't ask you again' and trying to guilt me into it by telling me all the horrible things her sister has done to her over the years.

I feel bad that I've upset my mam, but I still feel like I've done the right thing... haven't I? She seems to view it as 'taking sides' with the aunt over her, but I kept trying to explain that I was here to listen to her and as a shoulder to cry on, but that I just didn't want to get caught up in the middle. I keep telling myself that *I'm* not the cause of her upset, it's her sisters... but it's hard when your mam is bawling her eyes out in front of you because you won't do her a 'favour'

hardCopy

I made a rule when I joined facebook. No making friends with "grown-ups". i.e. no parent's aunts, uncles, grandparents, parents friends etc. I'm not even friends with my 12 years younger sister as I'd only set a bad example to her.

Nyan Cat

It seems to me you did the right thing op. you can't exactly say 'I won't let you see aunt 1s profile. But aunt 2 is ok' because it sets out a sort of map to work to where you have to decide who she can and can't see via your profile. It's easier to say no to all and it sets this rule in stone (if you stick to it)

It hardly matters if she did horrible things to your mum. All your man wants to do is snoop at the pics - for whatever reason. Which has nothing to do with the past. That's just trying to emotionally blackmail.

If you had given in to the 'just let me see one more time and I wont ask again' you can be sure she will. Because she knows you'll back down. She most likely did not mean it either as she seemed to try everything to see what'd work.

Shell get used to it. It's only Facebook anyway.

Good on you for sticking to your guns!

tinkerbell

You did the right thing OP. YOU need to be the mature adult in this situation - your mother is acting like a spoiled brat not getting her way, stick to your guns!

LegacyUser

Nyan Cat wrote: »

It seems to me you did the right thing op. you can't exactly say 'I won't let you see aunt 1s profile. But aunt 2 is ok' because it sets out a sort of map to work to where you have to decide who she can and can't see via your profile. It's easier to say no to all and it sets this rule in stone (if you stick to it)

That was my thinking exactly. I know in my own head this situation is probably more ‘acceptable’ than the original scenario I described, but I just need to have a blanket rule about it!

It’s just so hard to do something that makes my mother so upset. I don’t think she intends the way she’s behaving to be a tantrum (although by any definition it is…). It’s that she has always felt so excluded by her siblings and now she probably thinks I’m doing the same and she gets very emotional. And my dad thinks that in these types of situations that my mothers happiness should be the top priority. And that I’M the one turning it all into such a big deal when I could have just shown her the photos…

Thanks to everyone who’s replied. It’s good to get outside opinions, especially since it feels like the two of them are ganging up on me about it. And if my siblings hear about it they’ll probably give me a hard time about it too I’m gonna stick to my guns though!

hardCopy wrote: »

I made a rule when I joined facebook. No making friends with "grown-ups". i.e. no parent's aunts, uncles, grandparents, parents friends etc. I'm not even friends with my 12 years younger sister as I'd only set a bad example to her.

Good advice in general, but it’s too late for that for me unfortunately! Coulda woulda shoulda and all that :P

shinikins

Have you mentioned to your parents how unhealthy it is for your mother to essentially stalk her sisters? She's not doing herself any favours by digging for details of their lives when they obviously don't want to share them with her. She's never going to move on in her own life if she's constantly dwelling on theirs.

If they bring it up again, tell her that you're not doing this to take sides, but rather that its upsetting you to see her torture herself every time she looks at their profiles, and you think the best idea is to stop facilitating her. I know that is emotional blackmail, but its no different to what they have been doing to you. Stay strong, you'll be given another guilt trip I'm sure, but if you keep saying no, they will both stop seeing you as an easy target.

LegacyUser

Hi. You absolutely did the right thing even if you feel a bit bad about it.
What I don't get here is that it seems like your mum's feelings are the most important. In case this or something similar happens again I think you should make it clear to her that your feelings are just as important as hers. She might feel bad about you 'not taking her side' but she has to understand that you feel bad about being dragged into this.
You really need to let your parents know how bad you feel about this. They're your parents and should absolutely not make you feel bad!

LegacyUser

shinikins wrote: »

Have you mentioned to your parents how unhealthy it is for your mother to essentially stalk her sisters?

Yeah I’ve said this to her… but it just doesn’t seem to sink in or she doesn’t want to hear it. She doesn’t see anything wrong with it at all. She keeps saying she just wants to look at the nice photos, but of course there is an emotional aspect to it for her. I don’t think she sees beyond the immediate emotional reward of feeling ‘in the loop’ (even though she’s not really…).

HopeItHelps wrote: »

What I don't get here is that it seems like your mum's feelings are the most important. In case this or something similar happens again I think you should make it clear to her that your feelings are just as important as hers.

Thanks HopeItHelps… what you’ve said has really struck a cord with me! It’s such an obvious thing, but I don’t even think about it anymore… of course two peoples feelings should be equally important. But with my parents that’s never the case. It’s not that they don’t care about how I feel, but if it’s a case of my emotions vs my mothers, hers are the priority to the both of them. My dad has made this very clear with his actions over the years and I have absolutely no doubt in my mind that my mother comes first in his eyes, even compared to his children. I don’t think my mother does it consciously (and would deny it if I asked her) but from the way she acts I feel like she also thinks her emotions are more important than mine. Maybe it’s because she gets so visibly upset and I try to remain calm that they think the ‘strongest’ emotion should win out (but I could be overanalysing now!)

I’ve said my piece and I’m hoping they’ll just accept my decision and leave it at that. If it does come up again I plan to stick to my guns though! I suppose I’m just afraid about getting on their bad side in the long term. They can be their own worst enemies with a very much ‘if you’re not with us, you’re against us’ attitude. It came up that my Dad thought I was being disloyal to my mam, because I met up with aunt2 for coffee recently. She lives and works abroad and is only home once every year or two. I’m not really close to her, but wouldn’t view her as a personal enemy either (all the bad blood is between her and my mam) so agreed to small talk over coffee. My dad can be very controlling telling me what I should’ve done and how I should handle it the next time… but I refuse to be used like puppet anymore! I have a brain in my own head and I can make my own decisions and have what I think is a pretty decent moral compass to guide me. If they don’t like my actions that’s their problem and they’ll just have to learn to deal with it. If I didn't talk to someone just because my parents aren't, I literally wouldn't be speaking terms with any of my relatives atm and who I'm 'talking to' would change from year to year! Not that I'm close to any of them... kind of hard with the way things were when I was growing up. But in my eyes not being close and being enemies are two totally different things. Sorry, it just helps to think this stuff out loud :P Growing up I was very quiet and caused my parents no upset whatsoever... that all seems to have changed in recent years They still seem to have an attitude of they know what's best because they're the adults and I'm the 'child'. When we discuss anything serious my dad is always telling me I just don't understand because I'm so young (I'm 26, not 12!), it gets so frustrating at times.

Thanks again for all the advice and kind words I'd still be interested in hearing other opinions if anybody else wants to weigh in! Especially whether meeting aunt2 was a betrayal to my mother or not? It really does help having outside opinions on this.

Lemming

wanttodotherightthing wrote: »

Her and my dad kept trying to compromise with me by saying 'just do it this time and we won't ask you again' and trying to guilt me into it ...

I'm the umpteenth person to tell you that you've done the right thing I'm sure. And if you're ever waivering on the issue, remember the above quote because it shows just how manipulative your parents are trying to be with you, stooping so far as to lie to get what they want. And I dare say without any regard for your feelings or the possible repercussions for your relationship with your extended family if the revelations of your mother's spying came out.

Appallingly childish in the extreme. If they start to kick off about it again, just get up, make your thank you & goodbye and tell them that you'll see them whenever they calm down. And then actually leave without another word. It's easy for me to write this and I'm sure it'll be harder for you to walk the walk, but for your own sake and for trying to foster a more healthy relationship with your parents you need to draw a very stern line with your mother's manipulative play-acting.

Fea.

wanttodotherightthing wrote: »

My mother is VERY sensitive about her family issues and if I don’t appear to be 100% ‘on her side’ she gets really upset. As in full on tears and dramatics of ‘everyone hates me, I must be a horrible person/mother for you to think like that’ etc (she has very low self esteem). And my Dad gets very angry that I’ve upset my mother and starts treating me like a child again saying things like ‘you shouldn’t upset your mother, apologise to her!’. The bottom line is that they still see me as a child (I’m mid-late 20s living out of home) and their opinions are automatically right because they’re older and therefore ‘wiser’.

OMG I could have written this !

I have news for you, your in your 20's right? It took me til I was nearly 40 to finally grow a backbone and eventually stand up to my mum. One word wrong and I would get the glare and disapproving look. One wrong action and it would be the 'I'm so disappointed look' and then there would be my dad standing right there behind her nodding his head 'don't upset your mother'.

That woman used to put the fear of god into me. Until ! one day I just lost the plot with her. My ex and I were separating, I was so scared to face her and tell her, sure of what her reaction would be. When I broke the news to her, she went ballistic, and I mean off the wall. She wasn't upset that her only daughter was going through a very difficult time, oh no.... she started yelling at me, telling me I was so selfish because I was taking her children away from her.

Her children, being my children, her grandchildren.

Thats when I grew my backbone and stood up and very quickly put her in her place and told her, they were MY children and HER grandchildren, to get over it and back off.

She's been like a lamb since LOL.... I love my new backbone.

Your doing the right thing OP. Stand your ground or else you'll end up in your 40's tip toeing around 'not upsetting your mother' who btw, will always find something to be upsest about, regardless of whether its you upsetting her or not.

Best of luck xxx