Being phased out by friend

ButterflyABC

I need some advice on a friend situation. I have been friends with this friend for 15 years. We have been very close friends, tell each other everything. We had a fight last summer and since then I seem to be getting phased out. My friend was very cruel to me in a way that I will never forget and really hurt my feelings when I needed a friend most. She decided that she didn't want to hear me talk about somebody that I like and that was that. I think that friendship is a two way thing and you should be able to talk about whatever is bothering you and not just what suits them. Now she doesn't seem to care about what's going on in my life except whatever suits her to talk about. I now feel like I'm being phased out and it's just a horrible feeling, less contact etc.

Has anyone ever dealt with this type of situation before and I so can anyone give
Me advice on what to do now? I suppose maybe time will heal it but the longer it goes the more I wonder if my friend is the friend I thought she was.

Maybe I've been too reliant on her all these years and people change I guess. I've always been more than there for all my friends no matter whats going on and sometimes feel like I give too much and end up being kind of forgotten about when it's my turn to be hurt or upset about something.

Good to get that all out, thanks for listening.

lazygal

I had a recent thread on a difficult friend and got some good advice. Now, there was no big fight in my case but for the past year what was a very good friend phased me out, to the point where she actually made plans with a group in front of me, leaving me out. It's incredibly hurtful but having mused on this I can't see her as the good, kind, fun friend I thought she was. I thought she, out of any of my mates, would have been the first to say if there was an issue and sort it out like adults. It's a really horrible feeling and I can say that sometimes its worse than a breakup. I see this girl I used to meet up with for drinks, chats, used to text funny little things to and generally was there for over the years disappear before my eyes and turn into a quite nasty person.\

Now thats my situation. I have decided the ball is in her court. I'm not going to pander to her, I tried to sort out the situation but didn't get anywhere so I'm done. I know that sounds hard but after a year of this nonsense I'm done. I'm not making excuses for her or wondering "What could I do to sort this out" because I can't do anything. She is the one who has the problem, not me, so its up to her to come to me.

I completely understand how upsetting this is. Its almost like a bereavement but in a way at least with a bereavement people expect you to grieve and take time to deal with things. I feel like I've actually lost the person I once knew, I can't reconcile how she's acted with how she was when we were really close (and we were, I would have counted her as one of my "friends for life"). But you are entitled to feel sad and down, you're mourning the loss of a very, very close friendship and thats ok. Just don't let it dominate your other friendships and don't feel like you have to tiptoe around this person or pander to them "just in case" you might salvage something. Doing that held me back from realising my friendship was done, no matter what I tried.

ButterflyABC

lazygal wrote: »

I had a recent thread on a difficult friend and got some good advice. Now, there was no big fight in my case but for the past year what was a very good friend phased me out, to the point where she actually made plans with a group in front of me, leaving me out. It's incredibly hurtful but having mused on this I can't see her as the good, kind, fun friend I thought she was. I thought she, out of any of my mates, would have been the first to say if there was an issue and sort it out like adults. It's a really horrible feeling and I can say that sometimes its worse than a breakup. I see this girl I used to meet up with for drinks, chats, used to text funny little things to and generally was there for over the years disappear before my eyes and turn into a quite nasty person.\

Now thats my situation. I have decided the ball is in her court. I'm not going to pander to her, I tried to sort out the situation but didn't get anywhere so I'm done. I know that sounds hard but after a year of this nonsense I'm done. I'm not making excuses for her or wondering "What could I do to sort this out" because I can't do anything. She is the one who has the problem, not me, so its up to her to come to me.

I completely understand how upsetting this is. Its almost like a bereavement but in a way at least with a bereavement people expect you to grieve and take time to deal with things. I feel like I've actually lost the person I once knew, I can't reconcile how she's acted with how she was when we were really close (and we were, I would have counted her as one of my "friends for life"). But you are entitled to feel sad and down, you're mourning the loss of a very, very close friendship and thats ok. Just don't let it dominate your other friendships and don't feel like you have to tiptoe around this person or pander to them "just in case" you might salvage something. Doing that held me back from realising my friendship was done, no matter what I tried.

Thanks, I feel a bit better about it now knowing someone else is going through the same thing. It's tough because it's difficult to just let a friendship come to an end but you can't force it. I'm also done with it, she can make more of an effort now as it's unfair to be always there for someone and then for them to not make the same effort.

LegacyUser

Sorry but i have to disagree a bit here. I also got some great advice on this forum from people who told me friendship does not always have to be a two way system. Im sorry OP but your friend is not a shrink. And you shoudn't and cannot rely on her as such. Some girls tend to obsess about guys and your friend probably felt that SHE was having to put up with way too much listening to YOU talk about it.

You make it sound like she is your only friend so of course you're not going to realise just how much you were going on about it. You need to branch out and get yourself a bigger group of friends. That way your not relying too much on one person.

If you were my friend and you were constantly talking about this one guy (particularly if it was the same thing over and over again (does he like me, does he not, should I ask him out, oh I saw him today) I'd probably ban the topic as well.

It sounds as if this girl is still being friendly towards you and wants to still be your friend so long as you cool it with the narcissistic tendencies, you don't need to phase her out,

Take her aside, tell her your sorry about constantly obsessing about xx and you realise that sometimes you relied on her too much for advice but you'll try not to in future.

Just my two cents.

ButterflyABC

selfishcow wrote: »

Sorry but i have to disagree a bit here. I also got some great advice on this forum from people who told me friendship does not always have to be a two way system. Im sorry OP but your friend is not a shrink. And you shoudn't and cannot rely on her as such. Some girls tend to obsess about guys and your friend probably felt that SHE was having to put up with way too much listening to YOU talk about it.

You make it sound like she is your only friend so of course you're not going to realise just how much you were going on about it. You need to branch out and get yourself a bigger group of friends. That way your not relying too much on one person.

If you were my friend and you were constantly talking about this one guy (particularly if it was the same thing over and over again (does he like me, does he not, should I ask him out, oh I saw him today) I'd probably ban the topic as well.

It sounds as if this girl is still being friendly towards you and wants to still be your friend so long as you cool it with the narcissistic tendencies, you don't need to phase her out,

Take her aside, tell her your sorry about constantly obsessing about xx and you realise that sometimes you relied on her too much for advice but you'll try not to in future.

Just my two cents.

Thanks for your reply. I just want to add that I would never expect my friend to be a shrink but I do think that she has been able to go on about stuff to me and I've always listened. I have a very large group of friends but I suppose this one girl I seemed to just rely on a bit more than my other friends but that has been mutual up until now. I see where you're coming from that I need to branch out.

I don't think it's up to your friends to ban a topic to be honest, it kind of goes against the idea of friendship in my book. I think It's actually a bit harsh to ban a topic. There is nothing wrong with talking about someone and when it's double standards it's not fair.

Is it ok then for me to tell her by the way I don't want to hear about xxx also as she also has a tendency to go on about stuff.

Thank you for your reply but I do not agree that I'm narcissistic

Chinafoot

ButterflyABC wrote: »

I don't think it's up to your friends to ban a topic to be honest, it kind of goes against the idea of friendship in my book. I think It's actually a bit harsh to ban a topic. There is nothing wrong with talking about someone and when it's double standards it's not fair.

Is it ok then for me to tell her by the way I don't want to hear about xxx also as she also has a tendency to go on about stuff.

First of all, your friend is perfectly within her rights to tell you she no longer wants to hear you constantly talk about a certain topic. Your friend is not a sounding board and you shouldn't treat her as such. If you feel she is doing the same to you then tell her you don't want to listen to it. The fact that you listen to your friend beyond what normal people would tolerate does not entitle you to do the same. Sure in a perfect world you could vent and vent to your hearts content, repeating yourself over and over, but your friend doesn't want to hear it anymore. If anything she did the right thing in telling you that it was bothering her.

I would suggest you be perhaps a bit more aware of how you are coming across. Are you asking her for advice? Has she been offering you the same advice each time? Are all your conversations the same? This is incredibly draining and your friend probably feels like she's banging her head off a brick wall.

Friendships are not unconditional and if you act like they are you won't keep too many.

ButterflyABC

Chinafoot wrote: »

First of all, your friend is perfectly within her rights to tell you she no longer wants to hear you constantly talk about a certain topic. Your friend is not a sounding board and you shouldn't treat her as such. If you feel she is doing the same to you then tell her you don't want to listen to it. The fact that you listen to your friend beyond what normal people would tolerate does not entitle you to do the same. Sure in a perfect world you could vent and vent to your hearts content, repeating yourself over and over, but your friend doesn't want to hear it anymore. If anything she did the right thing in telling you that it was bothering her.

I would suggest you be perhaps a bit more aware of how you are coming across. Are you asking her for advice? Has she been offering you the same advice each time? Are all your conversations the same? This is incredibly draining and your friend probably feels like she's banging her head off a brick wall.

Friendships are not unconditional and if you act like they are you won't keep too many.

I've done the same thing for her many many times so I just assumed when my time came to be upset about something that I could rely on her to listen for a bit until I got over it but I see now that I should have not listened to her problems at the time when she had things going on in her life. I won't burden her again with it. I have alot of friends that are more than willing to listen and I do the same for them.

I sound like I'm a complainer but I am actually a very good friend and would do anything for my friends so I just thought that the same would be done for me.

Many times I have felt like banging my head off a brick wall also but I see what you mean now, I'm wrecking her head.

I did always think that it's more important to talk about things when they are bothering you but I guess that not everyone wants to hear.

Thanks all for the advice.

Chinafoot

ButterflyABC wrote: »

I've done the same thing for her many many times so I just assumed when my time came to be upset about something that I could rely on her to listen for a bit until I got over it but I see now that I should have not listened to her problems at the time when she had things going on in her life. I won't burden her again with it. I have alot of friends that are more than willing to listen and I do the same for them.

I sound like I'm a complainer but I am actually a very good friend and would do anything for my friends so I just thought that the same would be done for me.

Many times I have felt like banging my head off a brick wall also but I see what you mean now, I'm wrecking her head.

I did always think that it's more important to talk about things when they are bothering you but I guess that not everyone wants to hear.

Thanks all for the advice.

Ah come on OP. You sound like a sulking teenager here. Its not about your friend not wanting to listen at all. Its about this friend being sick of talking about the same thing over and over. I'm all for listening to my friends talk about their problems but if I'm listening to the same thing over and over while my friend is doing nothing to either change or accept the situation, and giving the same advice over and over and not having it listened to in anyway then you bet your arse I'm going to get sick of it and I'm not going to want to hear it anymore. Your talking like this was something you talked about a couple of times but highly doubt that is the case. You seem completely unable to see where your friend is coming from as you are now completely focused on how great a friend you are and how you listen to your friends all the time. Your friend reached her limit and she told you so. You can either accept that and talk things out with her or you can throw a strop and feel sorry for yourself.

If you want to lose a 15 year friendship because your friend was honest enough to tell you she didn't want to listen to you talk about this particular subject anymore then go for it. It sounds like a very petty thing to fall out over.

ButterflyABC

Chinafoot wrote: »

ButterflyABC wrote: »

I've done the same thing for her many many times so I just assumed when my time came to be upset about something that I could rely on her to listen for a bit until I got over it but I see now that I should have not listened to her problems at the time when she had things going on in her life. I won't burden her again with it. I have alot of friends that are more than willing to listen and I do the same for them.

I sound like I'm a complainer but I am actually a very good friend and would do anything for my friends so I just thought that the same would be done for me.

Many times I have felt like banging my head off a brick wall also but I see what you mean now, I'm wrecking her head.

I did always think that it's more important to talk about things when they are bothering you but I guess that not everyone wants to hear.

Thanks all for the advice.

Ah come on OP. You sound like a sulking teenager here. Its not about your friend not wanting to listen at all. Its about this friend being sick of talking about the same thing over and over. I'm all for listening to my friends talk about their problems but if I'm listening to the same thing over and over while my friend is doing nothing to either change or accept the situation, and giving the same advice over and over and not having it listened to in anyway then you bet your arse I'm going to get sick of it and I'm not going to want to hear it anymore. Your talking like this was something you talked about a couple of times but highly doubt that is the case. You seem completely unable to see where your friend is coming from as you are now completely focused on how great a friend you are and how you listen to your friends all the time. Your friend reached her limit and she told you so. You can either accept that and talk things out with her or you can throw a strop and feel sorry for yourself.

If you want to lose a 15 year friendship because your friend was honest enough to tell you she didn't want to listen to you talk about this particular subject anymore then go for it. It sounds like a very petty thing to fall out over.

Thank you chinafoot I take on board what you are saying. I wouldn't let such a long friendship go. I need to keep more in and not rely on other people so much.

LegacyUser

Is there something wrong with not sharing EVERYTHING???

OP the reason I'm trying to advise you is because I used to BE you.

I felt I had to share everything, I told my friends every little detail of my life. Boys, family, how I was feeling, what I was thinking.

Like having to eat the same food every day, it got boring...not for me but for them.
Theres a difference between being an open book and being a radio. Allow people to ask questions and be curious about you, share when asked and volunteer occasionaly. There is no need to force it down their throats constantly.

Be a bit aloof, keep a bit in. You will actually notice people tend to take more of an interest in you if you DON'T share everything. If you feel like you NEED someone to talk to, see a shrink...or if you can't afford that...write a blog. It's therapeutic and then when you read back over it you can see things more clearly.

Read back over this entire post from your initial query. You will see better where we are coming from.

I'm sure you feel like Chinafoot and I are picking on you but I really wish someone had given me this advice DECADES ago. Would have saved me so much anguish and self consciousness growing up. Hope it all works out.

ButterflyABC

selfishcow wrote: »

Is there something wrong with not sharing EVERYTHING???

OP the reason I'm trying to advise you is because I used to BE you.

I felt I had to share everything, I told my friends every little detail of my life. Boys, family, how I was feeling, what I was thinking.

Like having to eat the same food every day, it got boring...not for me but for them.
Theres a difference between being an open book and being a radio. Allow people to ask questions and be curious about you, share when asked and volunteer occasionaly. There is no need to force it down their throats constantly.

Be a bit aloof, keep a bit in. You will actually notice people tend to take more of an interest in you if you DON'T share everything. If you feel like you NEED someone to talk to, see a shrink...or if you can't afford that...write a blog. It's therapeutic and then when you read back over it you can see things more clearly.

Read back over this entire post from your initial query. You will see better where we are coming from.

I'm sure you feel like Chinafoot and I are picking on you but I really wish someone had given me this advice DECADES ago. Would have saved me so much anguish and self consciousness growing up. Hope it all works out.

No I don't think you are picking on me, I agree that I need to keep more to myself. I do see where you are coming from. You are correct in that I share every detail of my life so I will take your advice and you are right I tell all and nobody ever needs to ask many questions I just give it all away and it probably gets boring for them. Thanks for your advice guys I will do what you have said.