Hate relationship with parents

LegacyUser

Family issues

I am 20 year old lad mid way through college, i'm sorry this is long now but the past week has given me a lot of time to think about things in my life

I hate the relationship I have with my parents; there is nothing actually wrong with it. I talk to them, we never fight or argue or anything but it seems that we don’t click as well as any one else I know and their parents.

When I am in college and living with friends I am a total different person. Outgoing, fun and so on, so naturally I dread coming home at the weekend and for holiday where I’ll be confined to sitting around with nothing to do or no one to talk to except my phone and facebook. Even my friends have noticed I act different. I don’t like bringing people around to my house because it forces me to either change into a quiet person in front of my friends or change into a loud person in front of my parents.

My mother is the kind of headless “chicken type” she doesn’t seem to have any control over what going on, she gets mad ideas to do certain things like create a nice garden out of a building site, she would see a tennis ball in the shop, buy it and comment on how the family is unfit we should and throw the ball around the house, she would go into visit her friend while i'm waiting in the car and sit having tea for about an hour and a half. She is always late going anywhere but blames everyone else. She drives like a lunatic, revving the gears, quick breaking. And the house it continually messy and dirty, she blames everyone else for all these problems but in fact its her lack of control that causes them,

My father is just always pessimistic, constantly complains about how much young people drink, the plague of TV, facebook, Ipods, and how all the kids are hooked on these “gamestations” and the mention of any sport he criticises every player and how much they get paid. If the topic of conversation comes up of drink, drugs, sex, all that comes is lectures of how stupid young people are these days when it comes to drink, how contraception is not widely enough thought etc. there is no such thing a drive through town without a comment on somebody’s weight or the value of some property. All he ever seems interested in is the economic climate and a good book. And a good indepth conversation into how my academic studies are going

I think because of the way I was brought up, never to answer back, the parents are always right, that I feel like this now.

I never play music when their around, I could sit for hours in he car listening to lyric fm while going crazy but I would never change the station. I never give my opinions about anything that I am interested in. Never once in the 20 years i've been around (except for my sex ed when I was 12) have they ever mentioned anything to do with relationships, girlfriends, sex where as other people I know would talk about this freely with their parents. If I was to mention this my mother would not know what to say and my dad would come out with some stupid joke and the whole situation would leave me cringing.




If ever I felt as if i should challenge them or criticise them about something I only ever say it to my self in my head.

I always feel really bad if I ever contradict them about anything or do anything without their approval, even if it is as much as putting a pizza in the oven for myself and not offering it to anyone.

I don’t do any cooking at home like I would do in college because they would offer an opinion on something I should change and then to avoid contradicting them and feeling bad about it.

I wouldn’t tidy the kitchen in case they would see me because I would feel extremely awkward.

They still call me baby nicknames in public but I would never have the heart to tell them to stop.

I don’t know this is really hard for me to explain here without just giving examples, I don’t know whether this is a simple issue that can be fixed instantly or whether something is worng with me/them that may need further help

But any opinions advice is appreciated thanks

Beruthiel

Apart from their little quirks, your parents don't sound too bad.

In fact, I believe it is all down to you OP and how you perceive your relationship with them in your head.
You still relate to them like you did in your teenage years.
However, you are now a grown man, so act like it and be yourself.
Break the mold of the relationship and show your true colours.

If ever I felt as if i should challenge them or criticise them about something I only ever say it to my self in my head.

Next time, say it out loud.

I always feel really bad if I ever contradict them about anything or do anything without their approval

Well quit feeling bad then.

even if it is as much as putting a pizza in the oven for myself and not offering it to anyone.

Why would you not offer to share?

I don’t do any cooking at home like I would do in college because they would offer an opinion on something I should change

What's wrong with them offering you cooking tips?

I wouldn’t tidy the kitchen in case they would see me because I would feel extremely awkward.

Why would cleaning the kitchen make you feel awkward?
Seriously, I'm thrilled when someone else cleans the kitchen.

They still call me baby nicknames in public but I would never have the heart to tell them to stop.

Why not?
I think what you are missing here OP, is a back bone.
Time to become your own man and you can do it without being aggressive.
Be calm and confident.

Pebbles68

Hi OP, Beruthiel beat me to it but her post pretty much sums up what I think. Your parents are not going to change. It's up to you. You are an adult, behave like one.
Ok so you don't have the same interests or values as your parents, so what? That doesn't mean you expressing an opinion should lead to a row. If you want to have a conversation have one, that is what adults do. Adults don't sit in the car for an hour and a half while their mammy goes visiting friends, honestly, just say no.

blackbird98

Hi op, maybe look at this a different way. Do you have issues with self-confidence or self-esteem?? I don't mean that you should start arguing with them, or any thing like that, but why don't you suggest some family activity, saying that it is something that you would like the family to do together.

Maybe your mother has tried to get something going, but didn't get any support from either you or your father. Even if it is only throwing a tennis ball around the house, it might break the ice, and you never know, you might even have a bit of fun. Or it may even lead to more / better family activities.

up for anything

It must be nice to be young and able to see where everyone else is going wrong. Your parents sound much like a lot of people's. The telling point for me is that while you wrote about everything that you feel is negative with them, you didn't once mention that you see anything good about them.

It's time to grow up and take control of your own life and be yourself. Why on earth are you confined to sitting down with your phone or and FB when you go home at weekends or holidays. You are isolating yourself.

Most parents bring their children up not to answer back and they generally are right (or at least right in their minds to be concerned about your welfare) during the teenage years. However, this doesn't mean that they want to stifle any original thoughts you might have and want to share with them. They probably have long, worried conversations when you're not around as to why you are so quiet and don't bring friends home and have no opinions of your own.

As for the house being messy and dirty - do something about it. If your mother is anything like me, she's had long, long years of housework and has probably got so fed up she can't be bothered any more. Maybe instead of sitting with your phone and brooding, you could get up and sort out the house for her.

Your father sounds like a man who sees things as they are (maybe bangs on about them too much) but to my mind none of the things he talks about are wrong - they are all valid view points. Is there nothing that you could encourage him to do with you that would give you something neutral and new to talk about?

ManOfMystery

I agree with the posters above.

Your parents are not emotionless robots. They are people with their own interests, their own worries, and their own fears as well. My dad often makes remarks about people, the economy, etc, just like yours. I can sit and whine about him being pessimistic and negative, but instead I go out for a pint with him and talk about things we both have interests in - cars, books, whatever. Why not do the same with your dad and take his mind off things?

Your post reeks of everything they do that affects you negatively. Yet, I can't really see anything which suggests they're bad parents. They're not abusive. They're not alcoholics, or junkies. They don't fight with you. They provide a roof over your head, and food on the table. They call you nicknames in public? Whilst you may find that irritating, in all truth it's probably a sign of affection from them.

Your main problem with your parents is that you can't seem to engage with them. You're not the first and certainly won't be the last person who finds it difficult to engage with their parents - the age gap will do that. However, there's no reason you can't have a positive relationship with them even if you don't have any mutual interests. You're 20 years old - you need to start being proactive and cultivating your own interests, hobbies and relationships. Don't blame your parents because you still feel like a 12yr old in your head, and are scared to be yourself in front of them - if everything in your post is true, this is down to some irrational fear and not because your parents are going to beat you or kick you out of the house if you step out of line. Start acting like an adult.

I'd also suggest that maybe you should start pulling your weight a bit more. You don't like to cook in case they offer an opinion on it? Thank them for their opinion, but tell them you have your own way of doing it. You don't like to clean the kitchen in case they 'see you' and you feel 'awkward'? I'm sorry, that's your problem - clean the kitchen and get over it. You think the house is constantly messy and dirty? Then stop blaming your mother - you live there too, do your bit and get some housework done.

Sorry if my post sounds harsh OP but a lot of the issues you've listed seem to stem from your inaction rather than your parents actually doing anything very bad. In another 20 or 30 years you could be a parent to a teenager, and I doubt very much that their interests and hobbies will align perfectly with yours either - but it would be a pretty big pain in the neck if they were criticising you all the time because there was no shared interests or they didn't feel comfortable talking to you.

LegacyUser

I can kind of relate with the OP. I'm 21 and live at home. My parents aren't bad people, I know that. They're not bad parents. We rarely fight. But our relationship is awful.
I wouldn't be able to tell my parents a joke, I'd feel very awkward. Conversations revolve around what I should be doing around the house and how college is going. There is no personal communication at all. I love them dearly, but we're not close.
I live at home all the time, but I'd retreat to my room when I know they're coming home. I don't clean or do washing up in front of them because I'd feel awkward and certain I'd just get told I wasn't doing it right.
It's gotten slightly better recently, and I hope it continues this way. The only advice I can give is make the effort. This is what I've been trying to do recently and it seems to be working, even if it's only little steps at a time. Smile at them, ask them how they are. Build up friendly conversation. Try to connect on a deeper level, and they might just reciprocate. Hopefully then you'll be at a stage where you won't be afraid to speak your mind (in a non-argumentative way of course!).

baby and crumble

I think it boils down a little to the fact that you're just coming out of your teens, and if you're the first to do that in your family it can be hard to know how to navigate it.

You need to see your parents as peers now, as other adults. And they need to see you the same way, but that must be hard when you're acting a bit like a teenager- hanging out in your room, not speaking to them, always on your phone. Why would they treat you like an adult when you don't act like one? I'm not having a go, OP, i'm just saying. Most parents are delighted when heir kids grow up, and your relationship changes. I'm 29 and tbh when I was around your age my relationship with my parents changed hugely. Ok, part of that was me coming out, but that was just something that spurred them into seeing I was an adult, with adult concerns and the ability to be mature and grown up about things.

Now I'd probably see my Dad more as a friend and peer that 'my Dad', if you know what I mean? Yes, he does things that drive me mad, but that's just him, and I know I drive him mental too.