Best man issues

slowmoe

Me again, sorry you'll probably see a lot of threads from me over the next few months as i'm helping to plan my sisters wedding but the fine details are outside of my knowledge.

So as per the thread title, they're having best man issues. Her fiance were trying to decide who it would be, she assumed it would be his best/one of his best friends who he describes as being the only person who has never let him down. They have a great friendship, never fight and take good care of each other as friends. Now her fiance has another friend who he would say is one of his closest friends. They live close to each other and are in pretty much the same job so they are in touch a lot due to their location and work.

Anyhow her fiance said it wouldn't be the first guy because the second guy would be offended. MY sister (and i) think thats insane and he should choose whoever he feel he wants next to him on the day. He said he'll go with the second guy to avoid the drama. My sister is hugely worried about having the second guy as the best man and feels that he would make the running of their wedding harder rather than helping. He seems to be the kind of guy who always has his hand out.

For example my sis and her oh were going to a ball the first guy invited them to last year, he also put them up and gave them tickets as a very generous christmas present. When the second guy heard (is is fairly broke all the time with a gf and 2 kids) he said that sounds great, my gf and i would love to do that too, he told her oh to ask guy no 1 despite having only met him once! AND then he got really pissy because her oh said there was no chance. This guy has already asked my sis for 4 plus ones because it would be a great day out for his mates and says he hopes they have babysitters organised for the wedding because he doesn't want to be looking after his own kids and missing out. He constantly turns up to theirs for dinner, never ever brings anything, has only invited them up once, and told them to pick up pizzas on the way, the one day my sis said she didn't have food in at home he went and got chips and then handed her the receipt, thats 37 euro etc that you owe me, sure you can give it to me at any time. He rang the house and asked what they were up to one night, they said they were having a romantic night in and he turned up unannounced with the two kids because they were going out and couldn't afford a babysitter.

I was at a bbq she had last year that he was out and i was kind of shocked to experience him first hand. First off he arrived an hour early with his family and told the kids to have a run around-inside the house. Her fiance wasn't home to 40 mins later. Then he started moving everything we had put out because apparently it made better sense that way. I went upstairs to use the bathroom and the kids were jumping on the bed in a room, i told him when i went down and he laughed-yeah the kids get up to anything don't they! He went outside and we were delighted to be away from him for a few mins until he came in delightedly telling us he'd just moved the garden furniture and the bbq with his girlfriend because my sis had it in a 'stupid place' and started going on about how sure you're a woman you wouldn't have a clue about bbqs. I went outside to say hi to his gf as i hadn't actually seen her and she was drinking a glass of champagne...i was kind of puzzled where that came from as we had a few bottles in the kitchen that weren't open yet as it was early and she just said he had handed it to her. Went to the fridge and had a peek, and the bottle of champagne they were given by her ohs parents for their engagement was open! Its a bottle of krug and i'm sure it was expensive. I said to him that it wasn't for the bbq and he said his oh loves champagne and sure its open now. I was ready to let fly but ,my sis said to leave it to her oh cos she didn't want any arguments, but her oh seems to find him funny, and a bit of craic. The rest of the bbq went on like this with him changing everything because its better that way, and basically doing the same to all her guests.

Also this guy did a bit of work for her fiance and charged him 1k, for 2 days work. Her fiance did a bit of work for him to help when he was stuck and he never even bought her fiance a drink.

Sorry this ended up so long, but in essence my sis is worried he'll take over the wedding like the bbq, her fiance doesn't want her to ever say anything to him, and he's not willing to stand up to this guy as he doesn't really view it as a problem. Her fiance hasn't asked this guy yet but she's already feeling stressed about it . So has anyone helpful advice or been in a situation like this before?

matrim

Without trying to sound bad, it's not your wedding so it's not your choice. You obviously have a very biased opinion of this guy. Partly from your sisters stories and partly from an experience of him but if your sisters husband wants him to be his best man there's a reason.

It's up to your sister and her fiancée to decide this between themselves. Siblings getting involved will only complicate matters.

tinkerbell

Jesus OP, wtf is your sister doing putting up with this crap? Even if this guy is a friend of her fiancé's, she should not put up with that crap from anyone in her home.

Unfortunately I don't think there's anything you can do, except offer your sister some support. Your sister's fiancé sounds like he needs to grow a pair ASAP if he just lets this muppet walk all over him. I don't understand why he is even friends with this guy - he sounds like he has no redeeming qualities whatsoever.

The wedding should be about your sister and her fiancé, not this idiot of a friend of theirs.

Toots

I think if your sister is that concerned about him being involved in the wedding then she needs to say it to her fiance before he goes and asks him to be best man. Planning a wedding can be stressful enough without having to worry about other people ruining the day. She could suggest that her fiance get him involved in another way like by doing a reading at the ceremony or something of the like. If having him in the wedding party will upset her that much then her fiance needs to suck it up and ask his other friend instead.

silly

She needs to tell her oh that she doesn't want him as best man, make him a grooms man or something, but if he was best man then he would most probably ruin the day.

slowmoe

Firstly i'm helping my sis and her fiance plan the wedding because i do a bit of corporate event planning in my job and they asked if i could help out, they are struggling a bit with the load. Also i'm not trying to get involved i'm simply posting this up for my sis who does not use boards as a way for her to get advice and opinions.

Basically my sis would never tell her fiance not to do something but she is panicking at the thoughts of having him as bm, purely because she feels he will mess it up or take it over as he usually does. If she knew he would just fulfill the role without changing anything himself or complain about the way she's done things she wouldn't mind at all.

Anytime she has spoken to her fiance about this guy she has put it simply, like when x opened our engagement champagne without asking, i felt that was out of line. Her fiance will either laugh at x's craziness/ridiculousness or agree that he was out of line but will usually say its not worth his while to bring it up. Personally i think her fiance and this guy are friends purely from convenience, living close together in a rural place and being in the same type of job. Her fiance was single for a good few years before he met my sis so i think they spent a lot of time together.

She just rang me about another incident that happened last night so hopefully this issue will be solved for her noe because even her laid back fiance is mad. The first guy, so best friend no 1 and his wife are visiting, my sis and fiance took them out to dinner (they all do the same when visiting each other so its a reciprocal thing). x rang her fiancee saying he would be coming over that night and her fiance told her they were heading out with this couple. During the meal x and his gf turned up, and plonked themselves at the table and horsed into the drink. The couple that were visiting just assumed that this was planned and carried on while my sis was a bit annoyed. Sure enough when the bill came x and gf were outside having a cigarette. Her fiance left the bill on the table waiting for them but their visitors were looking quite uncomfortable sensing an issue so her fiance paid it and said to my sis that he'd sort it with x tomorrow.

At the end of the night the gf hugged my sis and said thanks for the invitation (x never even said thanks!) my sis said to her that it was nice to see her and she looked lovely but they had not issued an invitation and his gf asked what. The two of them were away from the group. She said she calmly said that it was just them bringing out the couple visiting and that x knew that because he had rang to come over and her fiance told him they had plans with this couple, and they were surprised to see them turn up at the restaurant. She said the gf looked confused but didn't say anything and she told her not to worry that the guys could sort it out tomorrow. When they rejoined the group x was saying he'd have to go back with them all because he was drunk and shouldn't drive :eek: so he'd come back to their house and continue with a session. My sis pointed him towards a taxi rank and said they were just going to bed.

My sis told her fiance what happened and he thinks its good, that it will give him the heads up that he was in the wrong, but obviously he knows he was in the wrong!!!! So her fiance is calling him today to have it out but my sis said her fiance agreed last night that if he were best man it would be a long series of events like this.


P.S. She fully understands that the choice of best man is up to her fiance but is concerned that this guy will ruin the day or embarrass them with their guests, she also feels that her fiance would prefer the other guys but his reason for wanting x is because x would throw a fit if he wasn't picked

campo

Maybe your sis fiancee could ask this waster to be a groomsman so that would not put him out and can have the decent bloke as best man
Then everyone is involved and all is happy again

stargazer 68

Sticky situation Op but Im afraid your sisters fiance is either going to have to man up and ask the other guy and just risk this guys 'fit' or have him as the best man and take the consequences! Whats going to happen when his kids aren't invited to the wedding too? (assuming they aren't) or is he going to invite them to keep him happy!

D3PO

God that guy sounds like a d*ck. Your sister should be seriously pushing for the other guy to be the best man.

And her fiance needs to grow a set. Forget asking him to be best man. I wouldnt even be inviting him to the wedding.

campo

D3PO wrote: »

God that guy sounds like a d*ck. Your sister should be seriously pushing for the other guy to be the best man.

And her fiance needs to grow a set. Forget asking him to be best man. I wouldnt even be inviting him to the wedding.

Ah two sides to every story and all that

RachaelVO

Hmmmm, both your posts made for very interesting (dare I say entertaining) reading!

I know best man is boys choice and all that malarky, but seriously, her fiance cannot be truly thinking of having this guy as best man... god, can you imagine the speech!!! (shudders).

Hopefully he can see who the right man for the job is (ie guy 1), and if the other guy has a big fit, well then they'll have killed two birds with one stone, gotten the right best man, and gotten rid of a leech!

slowmoe

Thanks for replies, i could give you a load more stories like above and even crazier but i was just trying to get a feel for the situation for my sister. She said that if this guy is best man she's going to change the wedding completely to a tiny cheap wedding at a very plain hotel because she feels that this guy will take over and ruin the day, and if she spends 25k on her dream wedding she would be extremely upset to have it ruined and herself humiliated.

She feels she does not want to actually say to her fiance that he cannot consider this man as best man but she doesn't want to be the kind of bridezilla that makes her fiances choices for him, however its the guys behaviour that has my sis feeling panicky over having him involved. She doesn't want any arguments between herself and her fiance either so she's just trying to figure out what is the best way to go about this but i suppose a lot will depend on her fiances call with him today.

D3PO

slowmoe wrote: »

She feels she does not want to actually say to her fiance that he cannot consider this man as best man but she doesn't want to be the kind of bridezilla that makes her fiances choices for him, however its the guys behaviour that has my sis feeling panicky over having him involved. .

Good communication is a key part of a strong healthy relationship. Im not having a go here but if your sister doesnt feel she can talk to her fiance about something like this long term they are going to have some serious problems.

she doesnt have to be like a Bridezilla but she can equally make her point about how she will feel uncomfortable with him as the best man and that it will prevent her from fully enjoying the day. Given whats been outlined in this thread its a perfectly reasonable conversation to have.

Personally speaking if my fiance was to tell me she was uncomfortable with the best man I was considering picking I would at the very least listen to her point of view and if I felt it was unreasonable then I would at least explain why I thought it was.

Sleepy

There's a big difference between saying "I don't trust X not to utterly ruin this for us" and "I want you to have my friend Y as your best man"

The first is perfectly reasonable. The second is bridezilla.

clint_silver

Sleepy wrote: »

There's a big difference between saying "I don't trust X not to utterly ruin this for us" and "I want you to have my friend Y as your best man"

The first is perfectly reasonable. The second is bridezilla.

well put.

also, if the groom had a problem with the chief bridesmaid, how could he put it to the bride?

And am I reading this right? Are we talking about being worried that a guy would have a fit about not being asked to do best man? really? get him a pampering weekend instead to wash away any potential ill feelings.

Sleepy

clint_silver wrote: »

And am I reading this right? Are we talking about being worried that a guy would have a fit about not being asked to do best man? really? get him a pampering weekend Give him a good kick up the arse instead to wash away any potential ill feelings.

FYP.

Zaph

If my fiancée had concerns over my potential choice of best man I'd expect her to tell me before I asked anybody to do it. As has already been said, communication is essential in a good relationship, and if you can't talk about something like that what will it be like when it gets to tougher issues? Your sister's fiancé should have enough cop-on to realise that the second guy is a dick and shouldn't be let anywhere near the bridal party, never mind being best man. However it appears that for whatever reason he hasn't realised this so he needs to be put straight. It doesn't have to be an ultimatum or anything, but a serious chat outlining the specific past incidents that suggest that there's the potential for issues on their big day should be enough for him. And your sister shouldn't be afraid to lay it on thick if he's still not getting the message. Suggesting the second guy as a groomsman is a good compromise and he can do less harm there.

I don't see why there would be any consequences to saying no to this character.
He doesn't sound stupid, you don't meet the kind of soft touches who would put up with that kind of behavior often. I doubt you'll hear a word of protest from him.