Single, single, single. Will it ever change?

LegacyUser

Hey guys,

I'm a 26 year old woman who has been single forever. I'm not sure what I'm looking for here, maybe just to have a vent, or maybe a bit of hope.

I'm working abroad in a busy job which consumes my life. I've worked so hard on my career since graduating and have seen couples coming together in the workplace around me for years now. Truthfully I'm not looking for a relationship with someone I work with, I'd be too weird above all else, but this is just an example of how my life has been since pretty much as far as I can remember. Other people meet people, other people fall into relationships...it's never me.

I've tried internet dating on and off during the years. Met a lot of time-wasters, had a few dates from it (five, altogether), one was a classic player type, a few were into me but there was a serious lack of chemistry on my end, one I liked but he quickly disappeared off the radar after a few dates.

I get that it's not easy, it's something you have to be patient with and you have to live your life without being preoccupied by it, but I'm at the stage where the loneliness and lack of experience is becoming pervasive. I don't even know how to 'signal' that I'm available or interested anymore, I think I've just become so self-protective because I'm so tired of being disappointed.

Does anyone have any advice? Do I need to be more proactive? Coz I've gone on the nights out, internet dating as I mentioned, I've travelled a lot, met lots of people...I'm at the stage where it's hard to not take it personally.

I get a bit of attention off guys in general, when I'm out and about I do tend to get the stares and double-looks, but what use is it if it never goes any further? I work hard on my appearance and never leave the house unless I'm well presented, dress well, wear makeup, nice hair, I don't think my appearance is a part of the problem here. The concept of starting a romantic relationship with someone is becoming more and more foreign to me at this stage to be honest.

I have a good life, I'm very lucky in many other ways with family, friends, work and travel opportunities...but it's hard to escape the feeling that I am completely missing out on this quite important part of life.

/rant over. Would love to hear from anybody who feels/has ever felt the same.

LovelyLottie

Fast forward 10 years and you're me!

I'm actually not too p1ssed off at the moment with being single, but i go through phases. So i totally know where you're coming from.

Perhaps give the online dating a break, and try something a little more sociable where you get to meet both guys and girls?

Last Friday i went to a wine tasting event that i read about on a different thread here - it's with www.firstdate.ie - i had such a great night! Guys and girls in their late 20s, 30s, and some early 40s i'd say. Everyone single and guess what - normal! I chatted to both girls and guys, one guy asked for my number (haven't heard from him but meh), laughed a lot and didn't feel like i was at a singles night at all really, it wasn't tacky or cringey. I had great fun. Check out their website.

Otherwise, just keep the faith that you will find happiness somewhere along the road. It can be hard, but just make the best of yourself - try to do things that make you happy (be it exercise, hobbies, socialising with friends, travel) and hopefully you'll meet someone who sees how great you are. Best of luck.

BattleCorp

Hi OP,

You are only 26, hardly a spinster by any means so I wouldn't go getting all worked up about being single at 26. You are still very young with by far the majority of your life still ahead of you.

Congratulations on having a good career. I see your point though about being very busy with work which restricts the amount of people you get to socialise with. I was in the same situation about 4 years ago and it cost me my girlfriend because I wasn't around often enough. It can be difficult but if you plan your free time differently (like I didn't), you might be able to get out and socialise more.

You have been on dates and didn't "click" with the other person. Nothing wrong with that, you just didn't feel the magic. That said, the more dates/social events etc that you go on/to, the more chance that you have of finding someone who you do "click" with.

It isn't easy finding the right person, it takes time and persistence. And more times it happens by accident when you don't expect it.

I wouldn't worry about signals and stuff like that. Most men haven't a clue about how to read signals. Us lads are thick, being direct works far better than subtle hints.

If you are getting stares and double looks, you are heading in the right direction. Smile back, it works wonders.

I know it's easier said than done but don't take things personally. There isn't anything wrong with you. You aren't abnormal or anything like that if you aren't in a relationship. Try and relax and just meet people. I've said it already but you are only 26. Plenty of time for the magic to happen.

kiwi2012

Hi I know exactly how you feel, im 27 and in the same situation. Iv had a few relationships with guys but nothing longterm. Iv done the saturday nights out for a long time now and tried the internet but like you say,if the chemistry isnt there its hard to make yourself feel it.

I have plenty of coupled up friends and a good job but it would be nice to have a relationship.
If your interested in maybe joining up to try new things in order to meet single men just send me a message, I want to get out and try other things besides pubs and nightclubs but it can be difficult on your own.

lazygal

Okay, I could have written your post when I was 26. ALL my friends were in relationships. I'd make the effort to go out, I went on dates, I hate a few "things" where I thought "Ooooh, maybe this is getting more serious" only to have the guys disappear into the ether. i couldn't figure it out, I'm attractive, good fun, have a range of interests and was open to all sorts of men, I don't have a "type".

One day I decided that what I was doing just was not working. I was in bars etc every weekend, went to parties with my friends but still single. So I decided to get a bit more independent. The first time I remember going to a party totally alone. I kind of knew the host and one person there but that was it, I was alone so I HAD to talk to people. And I realised how much easier it was to chat to people (not just guys) when you don't have a posse around you. That night I got chatting to the man who's now my husband. We dated for about a year, got engaged and married a few months later.

My husband was there on his own too. Like me, he'd decided he'd had enough of bars and was going to be more independent and do things on his own. So our story might give some people hope! Don't be afraid to go it alone, it might surprise you!

dancesatnight

i know exactly how u feel. im a normal bloke not a player or a tool. im finding it quite hard to meet normal and nice girls.

LegacyUser

Hi again,

Thanks to everyone who read and especially to those who took the time to respond. I've calmed down now a little!

I find I just go through phases with this. Like you Lovelylottie, sometimes I'm grand with it, other times I get a little frustrated and upset as it's literally been FOREVER that I've been dealing with it. I get distracted with a fling or a hook-up every so often, but then nothing comes of it and I'm left even more upset after, thinking 'seriously, is this it for me? Will this never change?'

I know in theory I'm young, life ahead of me etc etc, but I've been telling myself that nearly half my life now since other people started hooking up and it's become less reassuring at this stage. As a teenager/early 20s I had some personal issues to deal with which I sort of used as my excuse...now, I'm far from perfect, but I'm comfortable with myself, confident, well-liked, friendly, smart, educated, accomplished, well-travelled, attractive...modest...!! I know I sound like a prat now but I'm just trying to build a picture. There's nothing obvious to stop me from meeting someone, and yet it just doesn't happen. It's a sh1t feeling sometimes.

I am pretty independent and I suppose the upside to this is that I don't have much relationship baggage and haven't forged my identity around having a boyfriend or whatever, but I still have wants and needs like anyone else. I have a high sex drive but one night stands have never really worked for me. It's frustrating on many levels.

It is reassuring to see that I'm not alone though. Kiwi2012 - thanks for the offer, it's a great idea but I live abroad so suspect I'm no use to you!

I guess I'll just have to try to stop myself from over-thinking this too much as I'm sure that's counter-productive. The last thing in the world I want to be is desperate, I'd rather be alone forever than come across like that.

I guess I'll just keep on keeping on and focus on making myself as happy as I can be, not on the fact that I'm single. In truth I probably wouldn't mind being single if I had something to compare it to and knew what the advantages were. But I don't, this is literally all I know.

Anyway. It's good to just get it down. Thanks for all your advice and support.

LovelyLottie

Wherever it is you are living, see if you can get out in a social setting and meet some guys and girls. If you do something even slightly different to what you're doing now, there's a greater chance that different people will come into your life and different opportunities will present themselves.

Update: The guy who took my phone number at the wine tasting last Friday night, called me this evening and asked me out. Nothing ventured, nothing gained

Taltos

kiwi2012 - welcome to PI/RI.

Before posting again please review our Charter, we expressly request posters not to ask the OP to contact them.

Thanks
Taltos

LegacyUser

Hi OP!
I am 29(almost 30) and remember feeling exactly the same as you when I was 26! I felt so old and had been single for about three years.
I was living at home at the time and just so sick of it. I went travelling and ended up settling abroad also and just before my 28th birthday I met a lovely guy. I had honestly given up hope! I now look back and think What the hell was I worried about, i was only 26! And actually I am so glad that I only met him then, I had so much time to be single that I made some amazing friends and was always known as the fun one who is up for anything. I see my friends that have been in relationships for years and years and look at my own and think that it's so much more exciting than theirs cos its nice and new (well 2 years now but still new to me)
I count myself lucky every day and think of all thetimes where I wished I had someone, and I never take him for granted!
Are you happy where you live? Or is it just the job that keeps you there? If you're not happy, make a change, go somewhere else (you never indicated that you weren't happy, I am just saying!)
You sound like a catch! I've no doubt that you will meet someone. So don't stress, go out and enjoy your nights out and life in general and try not to worry or dwell on it. It will happen!x

BraziliaNZ

I know 2 girls, 36 and 39, both are single, and kind of miserable at heart tbh because of this, as they both want kids. They are really attractive too, just never met the right guys.
So not everyone meets someone. I think the key to life is being happy with your current situation, then you will not want for more. I could say I'm in the same boat as you, but I don't buy all this "there's someone out there for everyone" mullarkey, there isn't! Lots of people spend their lives alone, and lots of them remain quite content in doing so.
So don't get hung up on it, being with someone doesn't make people happier all the time. Read some Eckhart Tolle, maybe try meditation, it helps you discover the true essence of being.

ButterflyABC

singlelady wrote: »

Hey guys,

I'm a 26 year old woman who has been single forever. I'm not sure what I'm looking for here, maybe just to have a vent, or maybe a bit of hope.

I'm working abroad in a busy job which consumes my life. I've worked so hard on my career since graduating and have seen couples coming together in the workplace around me for years now. Truthfully I'm not looking for a relationship with someone I work with, I'd be too weird above all else, but this is just an example of how my life has been since pretty much as far as I can remember. Other people meet people, other people fall into relationships...it's never me.

I've tried internet dating on and off during the years. Met a lot of time-wasters, had a few dates from it (five, altogether), one was a classic player type, a few were into me but there was a serious lack of chemistry on my end, one I liked but he quickly disappeared off the radar after a few dates.

I get that it's not easy, it's something you have to be patient with and you have to live your life without being preoccupied by it, but I'm at the stage where the loneliness and lack of experience is becoming pervasive. I don't even know how to 'signal' that I'm available or interested anymore, I think I've just become so self-protective because I'm so tired of being disappointed.

Does anyone have any advice? Do I need to be more proactive? Coz I've gone on the nights out, internet dating as I mentioned, I've travelled a lot, met lots of people...I'm at the stage where it's hard to not take it personally.

I get a bit of attention off guys in general, when I'm out and about I do tend to get the stares and double-looks, but what use is it if it never goes any further? I work hard on my appearance and never leave the house unless I'm well presented, dress well, wear makeup, nice hair, I don't think my appearance is a part of the problem here. The concept of starting a romantic relationship with someone is becoming more and more foreign to me at this stage to be honest.

I have a good life, I'm very lucky in many other ways with family, friends, work and travel opportunities...but it's hard to escape the feeling that I am completely missing out on this quite important part of life.

/rant over. Would love to hear from anybody who feels/has ever felt the same.

Same as that except I'm 30 and have been single my whole life practically. I have been with lots of guys but it's just never happened for me so far. I have a lot of friends who are in the same situation so don't stress it will happen. Just keep putting yourself out there. I am also considered to be an attractive girl and have always had plenty of attention too. I get fed up too and wonder if it's my fault or something about me that I don't realise but you are doing everything right by going on dates etc. so it will happen for you. Hopefully for me too

LegacyUser

Thanks for the continued responses guys.

This is obviously a lot more common than I thought. It's amazing how isolating it can be, despite the amount of single and frustrated people there are out there. Maybe we should start a club!!

On the one hand I feel like maybe I should be more proactive when I see someone I like, but to be honest I wouldn't even know how and I think my confidence has taken such a hit from the continued disappointment of this that I'm not sure I'd be up to it. If I'm dating someone I'm pretty good at expressing interest, but I just feel like the guys I am interested in are only ever half-hearted about it whereas the ones I feel nothing for are the ones who want more. If that wasn't the case then I'd probably not be single, no?

I guess you reach a stage where the disappointment feels like rejection and you feel like you can't be bothered.

BraziliaNZ - as much as I don't want to, I do agree with your post. I've known some people who have spent their lives alone, I don't want to be one of them. This lack of progress gets inside my head sometimes and it's hard to not take it personally, to not think it's me and something I'm doing/not doing - and that's a scary thought because how can you change if you're not aware of what you need to change? I'm not a social pariah, I'm not psychotic when it comes to my dealings with the opposite sex, I'm not a swamp donkey...is it just that luck hasn't come my way yet?

Meh. Tired thinking about it to be honest. I don't think being negative about it will help matters, but it's good to just get everything out. These are things I can't really talk to anyone about and literally no-one in my life would guess that I feel this way. I think the next step is to just get happy being single. I don't think this should be bothering me as much as it is and I'm sure it's not doing me any favours.

Thanks again - and good luck to everyone!

Ickle Magoo

singlelady wrote: »

This lack of progress gets inside my head sometimes and it's hard to not take it personally, to not think it's me and something I'm doing/not doing - and that's a scary thought because how can you change if you're not aware of what you need to change? I'm not a social pariah, I'm not psychotic when it comes to my dealings with the opposite sex, I'm not a swamp donkey...is it just that luck hasn't come my way yet?

I think relationships are part luck, part being happy in your own skin/head and part numbers game...or put another way, you need to have the opportunity to meet lots of potentials in order to increase your chances of finding a partner, you need luck to happen upon one you really click with who feels the same way and you (and they!) need to be in the right head-space to keep it going/not destroy it.

26 is still young - and still plenty young enough to join clubs and do activities to meet plenty of people. Get yourself out there and you'll be having fun (always attractive) and increasing the likelihood of meeting someone you click with to boot!

All the best. :cool: