Young, lonely, depressed single mother

LegacyUser

I'm a 21 year old single mother to a little girl whos nearly two. Just over a year ago I lost my childs father. I loved him even though he didn't treat me very well and I miss him a LOT.
I live at home with my parents who are good to help out with my child and they mind her on a saturday night so that I can go out in my local town with my sister. I am very grateful for this as this is my only social interaction with people my own age.
My parents can be very bossy about my child and I feel they have completely taken her over to the point she prefers them to me and it makes me sad. Its very stressfull and tiring being a single mother too.
I only have one friend who is also a single mother but she lives in a different town to me. I live in the countryside and I am only learning to drive so I can't get out of the house at all without a lift. I can't afford more lessons and nobody has time to help me so my driving can't improve.
The last few years have been very tough on my family. We have had deaths of very close family members, serious illness, job losses, financial dificulties, family arguments and all round depression.
Everyone at home is so stressed out that there is constant bickering and tension. The atmosphere in the house is horrible.
I get so lonely. I have nobody to talk to and nobody ever texts or rings my phone. My one friend texts me a bit but she has a huge social circle and is always out doing stuff. I can rarely visit or join her or visit her and I haven't seen her in months.
When I go out at the weekends I get too drunk, smoke a lot and behave slutty. I have had a few one night stands recently that I am ashamed of. The only people who notice me or talk to me are guys who think I'm attractive and want to have sex with me. I do it because it makes me feel wanted and because im so lonely.
My friend wants me to move in with her but I dont think that can work out because of the driving issue and financial issues. My parents wouldn't support me to do it either.
I feel so so lonely and trapped and lost and depressed. Just don't know how to sort my head out and get a life back. I just want some friends and independance.
Any help would be greatt. Thanks.

msg11

Makes me sad to read your story, I maybe suggest joining some groups to do with something you are interested in or even something to do with your kid. This will open you up too more people to talk to minus the drink.

Maybe try get a part time job also, also try cut down on the heavy drinking as it may lead onto a bigger problem down the line. Keep in there with the driving, it's one form of Independence that you seem to need.

Best of luck, you will get more advise on here!

LegacyUser

my advice as someone who was a young mother is this, join a group with other mums.

ideally it would be mother/toddler group that meets during a week day. you could arrange a lift once a week off someone i am sure (or pay for bus/taxi-you would have money for this if you do what i say in the next part!). the mothers will have more of an idea of where your 'head is at' then your single friend.

leave your saturday nights out for a while or limit them to once a month. you would have more money this way, also your behaviour is so damaging-getting too drunk/sleeping with randomers for attention. if your family is happy to babysit one night a week perhaps ask could you change the night and join an evening midweek club in your nearest town.

be proactive to change. also please use protection if you are having one night stands.

lastly, enjoy your baby. this time passes so fast.

qwertytlk

Hi, i realise what you and your family have been through is getting you down but dont you think the drinking and one night stands are attributing to your depression? I mean drink in itself is a depressant but when you wake up afetr a night out and think about what youv done, i.e had sex with a probabal stranger, doesnt it make you feel ten times worse?
Would education be an option? Did you get to finish your secondary school? If not then maybe this would be something to look into? Or some other course that interests you? This would be a good way to pass your time while also doing something constructive and it would give you the social interation with your peers that you crave, without having to be on a night out drinking.
If this isnt an option then try and get out of the house as much as possible, even if its just for a walk or to the park with your daughter. Or are there any parent and baby classes in your atrea? This would give you the chance to meet other mothers and your daughter to pla witg other kids. I think what you need is something to look forward to, some goals for the future so that you can change your situation and possibly move out of home. Again, a part time job could be an option.

ash23

I think you need a plan. I was 20 when I had my daughter and initially I lived at home but I was having trouble with my father and I didn't want my child growing up that way. So I probably went over the top and moved over an hour away from home which was fine. I stopped drinking and gave myself over totally to being a mother which in hindsight wasn't the right thing.
Initially I was on social welfare but I eventually got back to work and over the years worked my way up. I was with someone else for a few years and we bought a house but that ended and I'm a single parent again.

I honestly think that now I have a good balance. I have my own place and a job which means I feel fulfilled. I love spending time at home with my daughter but I also love going out with my friends (who I made through various groups, creche, school, work etc). The only thing I wish is that I lived closer to my family as it can be hard managing it all with no family support but at the same time independence is vital.

You need to make a decision. Where do you want to be when your child is 5 for example. Working? Living on your own with your child? Independent?
If that is what you want then you need to put in the groundwork now. Look into moving out of home. Find somewhere in town which means you'll be able to socialise and make friends. Look up courses and look into childcare. Because if you don't make some changes, before you know it, you'll be in the same position but it will be 5 years later.

You have a child now. You have to start thinking about the long term outlook and making plans for how you want your life and your childs life to be in a few years.
She is your responsibility and it's your job to make sure she has a mam she can be proud of.
With regard to sleeping around, if it makes you feel good then fire away. But if it doesn't, you need to stop. Stop drinking so much when you're out. Make your life full in other ways so that you don't feel so lonely that you need to have sex and feel crap about it afterwards.
Take control and responsibility for your life and that of your daughter.

LegacyUser

Hi, op here thanks for your replies!

I did finish school and got a good leaving cert. I forgot to mention I go to college one day a week but everyone in my lass is muh older and I have nothing in common with them. I have been to mother and baby groups but I found them quite cliquish and all the moms were older than me. I'm very very shy so it was hard for me to talk to anyone. I find it very difficult to fit in anywhere though maybe im doing something wrong?
Another problem is my parents are glad to babysit for college but not so keen to do it if im going to do something I might actually enjoy. I feel guilty going out at the weekend and that.
I just feel so cut off from the world at the moment and I don't know if there is anything I can do to change that.