He keeps lieing

Jen Pigs Fly

So I've been seeing this guy for around 5 months or so, everything is going great, but I've started to notice a trend.

He claims that he's not sleeping around with anyone else or is going off with anyone else, I do believe him.

however, and tonight is an example, normally on a wednesday or saturday he will stay in and we'll text untill 12 or so, he will then text me saying 'I'm going to sleep night night' or to that extend.

He lives right next to me so even if I go for a walk I can see his house, whenever he texts me this, the car will be gone. I know he has gone out to a nightclub. I've called him up on it numerous times before he always has an excuse 'you don't like this club', 'I didn't go out I went to tesco' etc.

Tonight this happened, I'm just back there from a walk, my calves keep tieing from jogging so i had to warm them, walked by the house and the car was gone. he had texted me earlier saying 'I'm really tired from all the driving, night night xxx'. I thought I could trust him after all this time.

I called him right away I'm fed up with the lieing, it rang out (he hung up) I then texted him 15 mins ago saying (And I quote) "Ring me, I know you're not asleep, went for a walk to warm my calves and noticed the car was gone. I wish you didn't lie'

he hasn't rang yet.

This is eating me up inside, I want to trust him but when he keeps pulling these stunts I just don't know. He claims that hes used to doing what he likes and not having to answer to anyone, but I just hate how he can't just say 'Oh I'm going out'. He has to say 'I'm tired'.

I just don't know, I keep thinking I have a future with him, he is my perfect guy, we share the same interests, values and future aspirations. This just eats me up inside every time he does this.

EDIT: he texted this back to me: 'Correct I'm in Dublin now with my brother. You've nothing to worry about trust me'. ??? I don't know if I do or not, anyone have any similar experiences?

Stavro Mueller

I'm sorry hun but it looks very like he's up to something. How do you know he's not cheating on you? You say you believe him when he denies it but not much else that has come out of his mouth is truthful.

Look at the facts. He's lying about where he's going. He's just hung up on you and hasn't called back. YOU don't trust him. That's evident from your post.

Jen Pigs Fly

see thing is, we're not technically together, sure we refer ourselves as boyfriend and girlfriend but we're keeping it very casual. He has assured me that there is no one else, I believe him. He spends 90% of his time with me, including staying over in my house some days and me in his on others, the last time this has happened was around 2 months ago.

I just don't know I'll have to sit him down and really talk about it, the relationship is still very new, to be honest I got into it very early, I'm considering going on a break for a few months so I can just sort myself out. I was in a 5 year relationship, once that was over he arrived on the scene a little while later.

even i admit that I met him way too early, I wish I bumped into him at a later time when I was more self secure. My ex used to go out to nightclubs all the time and never told me, which is why I'm so annoyed over this.

I wouldn't care less if he told me he was heading out. He did ring me there however saying that he was in dublin to get his brother who rang him looking for a lift, he said he got this call after he texted me night and that he didn't even think he should have told me, fair enough I wouldn't have told him either, picking up a sibling isn't something you would think your OH needs to know ...

I dunno, I'll have to have a talk about our future, especially lieing, he knows I hate it.

I'm worried now I may have jumped to conclusions however

blatantrereg

He might just seem perfect because he misrepresents himself.

"I'm going to bed now. Night night honey." Then goes off to nightclub. Right in front of your nose too - just to really take the piss.

Now you're questioning yourself for doubting him while he's probably laughing up his sleeve.

That's perfect? He's pulling the wool over your eyes.

baby and crumble

xxxJennyxxx wrote: »

I just don't know, I keep thinking I have a future with him, he is my perfect guy, we share the same interests, values and future aspirations. This just eats me up inside every time he does this.

xxxJennyxxx wrote: »

I dunno, I'll have to have a talk about our future, especially lieing, he knows I hate it.

I'm worried now I may have jumped to conclusions however

If he's lying to you, and you hate lying, then you don't share the same values.

C-J

I wouldn't blame him being secretive op when you're this clingy and obsessive when ye're not even an item!! Give him some space

King of Kings

could be plenty of reasons.
He is could up to something you wouldn't approve of.
Like are you anti-drugs? maybe he is heading over to his mates to smoke joints and won't say for fear of upsetting you.
maybe he gambles and heads to the casino.

He is lying to you whether it's innocent or not - one lie can be excused but continual lying is a lack of respect - whether you are casual or not.

Is that the way you want him to continue? - if you get into a serious relationship he'll know he gets away with small lies and before you know it he'll be telling you whoppers.

I've had similar experience as him - heading out at night on sly - it's cos i had two casual relationships going.
maybe it is the same here maybe it isn't.
It could be a host of reasons either way it doesn't look good for you.

C-J wrote: »

I wouldn't blame him being secretive op when you're this clingy and obsessive when ye're not even an item!! Give him some space

this is horse**** -
"what up up too?"
"i'm going to bed"
"but you're car is gone"
"oh yeah went to dublin"

she isn't clingy - he is a gob****e for telling stupid lies. He knows they live near each other and the lie is easily exposed.
If it's casual he could just saying "i've gone to a mates house" end of.

C-J

I just think he's trying to give her the message but she isn't getting it, fair enough he's going around it in an a-hole fashion but I think he's waiting for her to break up with him. The signals here are all wrong and if theres problems this early it wont work

Miss Fluff

xxxJennyxxx wrote: »

see thing is, we're not technically together, sure we refer ourselves as boyfriend and girlfriend but we're keeping it very casual.

Does he refer to you as his girlfriend? Really? And yet you're not actually official? But you see a future with him? Sorry but you are being totally played here. Who's idea is it to "keeping it very casual"? I am a hazarding a guess that it is his.

He's keeping you on the subs bench until something better comes along.

And if after five months someone is making you channel your Crazy Lady (going for midnight walks past his house? Couldn't you have gone in another direction? You obviously did feel the need to check up on him) then for your own self-respect and mental health do you both a favour and dump his (casual) ass.

He sounds like a messer and you sound in over your head. Trust is one of the cornerstones of a good relationship - he is not to be trusted and you don't trust him anyway so this looks like a clear non-starter.

LovelyLottie

Miss Fluff wrote: »

Does he refer to you as his girlfriend? Really? And yet you're not actually official? But you see a future with him? Sorry but you are being totally played here. Who's idea is it to "keeping it very casual"? I am a hazarding a guess that it is his.

He's keeping you on the subs bench until something better comes along.

And if after five months someone is making you channel your Crazy Lady (going for midnight walks past his house? Couldn't you have gone in another direction? You obviously did feel the need to check up on him) then for your own self-respect and mental health do you both a favour and dump his (casual) ass.

He sounds like a messer and you sound in over your head. Trust is one of the cornerstones of a good relationship - he is not to be trusted and you don't trust him anyway so this looks like a clear non-starter.

I'd agree fully with all of this.

Texts with kisses at the end mean nothing, if he's fobbing you off with excuses and not making you feel loved and respected. I've been in your position, and didn't end it soon enough. Listen to the great advice here.

corkcomp

TBH I would probably do the same as he is if my OH kept walking past my house checking if I was in or not and "warming my calves" is the worst excuse for stalking someone's house I've ever come across.

edit: from a male perspective constant texting / questioning / lack of trust and being clingy are major turn off's so if you want to have a chance with this guy I'd change tactics pretty quickly

dellas1979

Yeah I mean, there are boundaries in a relationship (bf and gf) right? But it seems both are on different pages as to what the relationship actually is-seems he doesnt see you as his gf, but you see him as your bf.

So, either call it quits explaining you cant handle what he is doing (thats fair enough) or call him on it, ask to define the relationship and what you expect from him (setting those boundaries). If you do talk to him, there is always a chance he will bolt because as other posters said, he is just stringing you along and have called him on it, so you must be prepared for that. But at least you will know if he is interested and wants an actual relationship with you.

LovelyLottie

corkcomp wrote: »

TBH I would probably do the same as he is if my OH kept walking past my house checking if I was in or not and "warming my calves" is the worst excuse for stalking someone's house I've ever come across.

Ah don't be so harsh I think the OP knows deep-down she crossed the line with the 'stalking' bit, that's why she's saying she was 'warming her calves' - it's embarrassing admitting that you're so insecure in a relationship, that you're starting to check up on the other person.

Sometimes when a relationship's not working, instead of being able to clearly see that's it's wrong for you and it's time to move on, stress / upset can make us do things we know aren't fully right. I'd say she knows herself that it's not right to be walking past his house - but his mixed messages are bringing out an insecure side of her.

OP - the fact that you're walking past his house tells you that you're not feeling comfortable in the relationship. He's not right for you. Finish with him, and this sense of anxiety / insecurity will pass in time.

Jen Pigs Fly

Everyone makes some great points, I have no idea what I'm going to do about this now, everyone is right though, I do feel like I'm bring stringed along.

No matter how many times he says 'I'm ready for a relationship' something always nags me about it how he can say stuff like than and then turn around and tell me 'I think you need more independence' etc despite the fact I have my own life, my own friends, job, college, etc it's not like I'm talking to him 24 hours of the day or whatever.

He is the one who makes first contact by the way, I won't push to stay at his, do something or whatever, it's all on him who suggests if we do something and I'll either say yes or no. I'm letting him make the first move, which is does an awful lot.

I think he is getting cold feet, I think I may need to sort this out, be it break up or make up.

I should mention he is teetotal, doesn't drink, smoke or do drugs. He's 22, I'm 21.

fits

HE is going somewhere else on a Saturday night and concealing it from you, and then not answering your phone call. and its not the first time this has happened.

Its REALLY suspicious. I'd be thinking about dumping his ass to be honest.

Jen Pigs Fly

fits wrote: »

HE is going somewhere else on a Saturday night and concealing it from you, and then not answering your phone call. and its not the first time this has happened.

Its REALLY suspicious. I'd be thinking about dumping his ass to be honest.

It has crossed my mind, I want to hear his side of the story and line it up with the facts, trip him up lets say, see if he is telling the truth about his brother calling him (at 12.30am I doubt it). I don't deserve this, no matter how nice someone may act to my face, blatantly lieing to me is something I can't stand.

ElleEm

Usually at the start of a relationship, things are all rosey. the fact that he's lying to you so early on is a giant red flag to me. You've caught him out, but if he's the lying type, i wouldn't say he'll stop lying, he'll probably just get better at it. i just think if he's lying to you about where he is, then he could be lying about ANYTHING else. This "relationship" doesn't sound like it's worth the heartache.

kylith

xxxJennyxxx wrote: »

It has crossed my mind, I want to hear his side of the story and line it up with the facts, trip him up lets say, see if he is telling the truth about his brother calling him (at 12.30am I doubt it). I don't deserve this, no matter how nice someone may act to my face, blatantly lieing to me is something I can't stand.

I don't think you're jumping to conclusions; he's blatantly and repeatedly lying to you, and you're letting him play you for a fool.

I must agree with the other poster who says that he's stringing you along until he finds something better. He has you for sex when he wants, and gets to go out and party, and probably chat up other women, whenever he wants, too. And he knows that you won't say boo to him.

For the sake of your own sanity and self respect get out now. And remember this so you can spot the signs for the future.

Jen Pigs Fly

I just talked to a friend of mine there on the phone, and told her what happened and all of your comments.

Tonight he's getting the 'we need to talk' conversation. I'm going to be so upset but It needs to be done, it's making my head melt just thinking about it, he has no regard for anyone but himself I can see it now, I don't want to get too far into it and him breaking my heart even more. I don't think I could take that. I do have very strong feelings for him, but if he doesn't feel the same why should I bother.

dellas1979

Good woman. Know you will be nervous and anxious, but just keep calm, ok?

Killed By Death

Be prepared that you may never get the truth out of him OP. It doesn't matter actually anyway. It's enough to know he is trying to treat you like a dope.

Don't be suprised if he acts defensive and tries to turn it back on you. He's not being honest with you about something and that isn't good enough!