Continue Long Distance Relationship?

LegacyUser

I met my boyfriend online and have since continued a long distance relationship with him. Our first meeting in person was on neutral territory, and while I was very attracted to him there were some personality clashes which I thought were cultural issues. For example, at one point I did the typical Irish teasing thing, just calling him silly names in his language. He then spent the whole night together in the restaurant giving me the silent treatment, which the staff noticed and appeared to find funny. Feeling humiliated as we walked home together, I started crying, which he also ignored. When I asked him if he even cared that he made me cry, he told me that I made myself cry and we went to bed. He fell asleep straight away, but unable to sleep I spent the night on the computer crying and attempting to seek some kind of comfort in facebook friends before crawling back into bed beside him in the early hours. While we had some nice times on that holiday, we spent the majority of it indoors, only visiting the beach in front of our apartment once in two weeks. I had an argument with him about his refusal to sit out on the balcony with me while we ate, and instead he went inside and played minecraft. It was not ideal, but we had been chatting online for so long that I had formed a strong bond with him. For a long time he had been my only confidant. I knew he didn't go outside much before, but I never really gave much thought as to what that entailed.

As a bit of background on me: I've had a problem socialising with the people around me since secondary school, and now I'm in college nothing's really changed. I've always felt really awkward and insecure about inviting myself along to social things and as a result I have a lot of casual acquaintances who I might chat a bit with if I see them, but no friends who I can hang out with outside of college or seek advice from. I've joined a number of societies, and have simply made more casual friends but whenever I try to take things further and chat more with specific people they usually end up disappearing or not being particularly interested in forming a friendship with me. This is why I usually form relationships online.

So back to the boyfriend- I went to visit him in his home country, and spent the majority of the time indoors watching movies again. He said that social situations or being in public made him feel awkward, and we only really did anything outside of the house together for a few days out of the 3 months that I was there. Nevertheless, he could be so kind and sweet to me-- when I was sick, he took such good care of me and could always make me laugh and feel better when I was down. The highlight of my day was when he came home from work and picked me up when he hugged me, and held me on his lap while I chatted with him. However, I increasingly became aware that sex for him was like a chore- he didn't seem to enjoy it at all, and I was always the one to instigate. I simply felt ugly and disgusting, and was delighted whenever one of the local guys there would hit on me. He found it entertaining that other guys would sometimes stare at me on the street, but never complimented me or related to me as someone worth taking notice of himself. I asked him outright if he was even attracted to me, to which he answered "of course" but even now I have doubts because he never shows it. This was also true for the first trip together, although I had tried to ignore it. I cried a lot when it came time to leave, and for months afterwards I just couldn't concentrate on anything in college. I would spend every night chatting with him online, neglecting any possible 'real' friends.

He came here recently, and from the start there were major issues. He was really indifferent towards Ireland, and had no real interest in visiting anywhere or seeing anything or learning about the culture. My parents were quite offended by his indifference to everything, as they had put in a lot of effort, paying for us to spend two night in a hotel in Kerry as part of a Christmas present and having him stay for Christmas. When he spoke to my parents and relatives, there was no warmth and they misconstrued his demeanour for blatant rudeness. There were times that I felt really embarrassed, like when my aunt asked at Christmas dinner if he liked the ham, he answered "It's just food." He also challenged my dad about Irish laws which left my dad feeling personally attacked, and lectured my mom about quite trivial things. When my mom told me how upset they were with his behaviour, I cried because I not only felt embarrassed that my relatives had all witnessed and noted it, but also because I felt so disappointed in his behaviour. He brought a few series of TV programmes and movies with him for us to watch, and complained that Ireland was too cold to go outside. I explained the issues to him, and he was genuinely shocked. He had a difficult childhood, which has made him socially withdrawn and also politeness has a different meaning in his culture. He then felt unable to say anything to my family because he didn't know what would offend them. He did try more to make an attempt to enjoy the places I brought him to, but I really did feel that we were just going through the motions -- like a checklist that must be done, and that he wasn't really enjoying any of it, despite the time and expense I went to. Once again, the same applied to sex. Even though I had invested in stockings, suspenders, sexy lace bras, corsets and french knickers, he just seemed vaguely amused and continued on as if to cross it off the checklist. We usually just had sex in the morning when he already had a boner, and he would immediately wash himself off and carry on the day as if it hadn't happened.

Now that he has left, I just felt completely desolate. I miss the companionship and having someone there to talk to who knows how I am. He not only represented my only true friend, but also the only connection left to his country of origin, which has been of huge importance to me for a long time. Now I need to decide what I will do this summer; to visit him or not. He said that he wants me to come over for double the time I had earlier anticipated, which tbh surprised me since I didn't feel that he cared either way. I don't have any friends to do J1 with or jet off somewhere else, and the thought of hanging around home all summer simply depresses me. I've tried to get a summer job, but with no luck. I cry constantly about my situation, and have a history of depression, from the ages of 13-16 which now, in my early 20s, I still feel haunts me. I just don't know what to do anymore. I don't want to punish him, because I am aware of his childhood and feel so angry at the people who screwed him up. But I don't know if he will ever change.

Many thanks for anyone who reads this post. I realise that it's very long. I've written and deleted it a dozen times already, but now I just really feel that I need other peoples' input.

Faith

Why exactly are you with him? You've listed all the negatives, but not mentioned many positives apart from minor companionship. From an outsiders perspective, it does not sound like a relationship to me. He doesn't seem to care for you at all. He shows almost no affection, doesn't want to have sex with you, doesn't want to do anything you enjoy, is rude to your family, insults your country and it seems the only reason you're considering going to him this summer is due to a lack of anything better to do.

My boyfriend lives 80 miles from me. We see each other every weekend. I can't WAIT to see him and get excited every Friday when he comes up - even after years together. I think you've convinced yourself that this is what a relationship is, and it isn't. There's SO much better out there. You only miss the companionship, not him. You can get that and so much more with someone else.

Don't sell yourself short here. Things will not change with your current partner, and you will be unhappy with him. My advice would be to end the relationship and concentrate on finding someone physically and emotionally closer to you, who can give you what you actually need from a relationship. Possibly also work on developing friendships so you don't feel the need for companionship so badly that you're willing to be with a person who's completely wrong for you. It's not going to be easy, but in the long run, it will be infinitely easier than staying with him.

Reesy

dontknowwhattodo wrote: »

... For example, at one point I did the typical Irish teasing thing, just calling him silly names in his language...

Is this a typical Irish thing? Really?

LegacyUser

I guess I only mentioned the negatives, because these are the real focus of my problem- we also have good times where he can be fun and insightful and simply... different to your average guy (in the positive sense). He tells me that he does enjoy the time we spend together, but he simply doesn't get excited the same way Irish people do. He thinks that Irish people are 'melodramatic' yet his own indifference leaves me wondering if he likes me at all, and I constantly look for his reassurance that he's even attracted to me, despite being in a relationship for nearly a year.

What makes me sad is that I think that because we talked online for so long before I met him, I had imagined him as the perfect boyfriend and now that I'm discovering more about him, it's becoming increasingly apparent that I can't change the aspects of him which don't fit my ideal. I have been told by others that I have low self esteem, but a part of me really thinks that things with him can work out somehow. What you are saying is very true, but at the same time I just feel like if I don't have him, I don't have anyone. And I'm not just losing him, but his whole family, with which I have built up a really strong bond with, particularly his mom.

Many thanks Faith- a lot of what you said really rings true with me. I just don't know if I'm ready to let go yet

LegacyUser

Reesy wrote: »

Is this a typical Irish thing? Really?

In my experience it is- just banter and harmless slagging which has no malicious intent

LovelyLottie

Oh dear, sorry to hear that you are feeling so upset

From reading your post, it sounds to me like you know already that you need to end the relationship with this guy. I think you just need the reassurance that you're doing the right thing... and for what it's worth i think you would be doing the right thing by ending it.

You're telling us that you're not happy and you're not getting what you'd like / what you need from this relationship. You're also feeling scared that if you break contact with this guy, that you won't find anyone else to connect with.

You're only in your early 20s - how about instead of putting all your time and effort into maintaining a relationship with someone who's not giving you back what you're giving him, you focus your energies on trying to make some real-life friends near you?

I had a 3 year relationship from the age of 18-21 and instead of focusing on myself and figuring out who i was at that crucial age, i spent it obsessing about some guy! It took me a long time after that to start to figure out who i was and what i wanted for myself in life.

I've also had a long distance relationship in the past - i think unless you've spent a significant amount of time together in the beginning, and the distance is not forever, this type of relationship can be like living in a fantasy land. At least it kind of was for me. All the drama, the excitement, the crying - it's exhausting.

The bottom line though is that you're not happy. If you focus on yourself again for a while, you might start to feel more comfortable in your own skin and realise that you don't need to put up with a cr@ppy boyfriend just because you're lonely.

I know it's hard for you but try again to find some interests outside of college that you enjoy (if societies in college haven't worked for you, try a fitness class, a book club, a photography group, whatever), try to make a few new friends outside of college. I think you might see that you're stronger than you think you are. All the best to you.

LegacyUser

Many thanks LovelyLottie-- all of what you said rang very true with me. It just seems to simple to end it when he's not here, but when I talk to him... all I can think of is all the sweet things he did and how much I would miss having him in my life. Talking to him has become an intrinsic part of my day- I have photos of us together all over my bedroom in college and we talk on a daily basis, often for hours. It's so true that a LDR is exhausting, but really I don't know any different. I've never been in a proper relationship with an Irish guy, or a guy who lives in the same country as me (!) and all have been from the same place as my current boyfriend. A big part of me feels that by losing contact with my boyfriend, I'm losing any reason to be in his homeland which is a big part of me, but also a source of sadness and many memories at times. I just feel horrible to break up with him because the way he behaves isn't his fault- his personality has been totally skewed by abuse he suffered as a child, and I just feel as if I'm punishing him. I love him, and I tell him that over and over, yet any responses seem... half-hearted...

Daftendirekt

I can understand why you're confused. There's nothing worse than being given the hot and cold treatment.

You mention that he says he has some issues from his childhood. While it's great that you're supportive, there's only so much support you can give to someone who isn't willing to work on themselves. Just because he has personal problems to deal with, doesn't mean you have to just accept any behaviour from him. And quite frankly, it sounds like he's using it more as an excuse than anything else (as well as the cultural differences - politeness may vary from culture to culture, but that shouldn't matter once you genuinely do your best).

I'm getting the impression that it's a give-give-give relationship on your part, while he's just doing all the taking. He doesn't sound like he's willing to go to any great lengths to make you happy, and that really isn't healthy.

I'll give you two pieces of advice here, and they might not be what you want to hear, but I hope you'll take them on board:

1. It sounds as though things aren't going too well for you at the moment at home. Unemployment, loneliness and depression are a dreadful combination for anyone. When your boyfriend is behaving, it probably seems like a wonderful reprieve from all that, and I totally understand why you'd become so attached - even if he isn't necessarily right for you. Do you think you might be pinning all your happiness on this relationship, and that's why you're willing to tolerate so much crap from him? (You don't have to answer that, by the way) I think your primary focus right now should be yourself, not him or his issues. Maybe concentrate on making new friends/reconnecting with old friends, and just try to get your social life back on track.If you aren't already, you should look into getting help for the depression. (I'd say try to find a job for the summer too, but if only it were that simple! :eek:)

2. It might be for the best if you called it a day with this boyfriend. If you really want to give him another chance, then you have to make it clear that you absolutely can't deal with any more selfishness or rudeness from him, but to be honest, from what you've said, it sounds like you've tried and he isn't willing to try harder. I think you really need to look at your reasons for being in this relationship. If it isn't an addition to your happiness rather than your happiness being dependent on it, then I think you should end it.

At the end of the day, the fact that you've taken the time to write such a long post says a lot to me. What's your gut telling you? A relationship should ultimately be making you happy, not driving you to write lengthy posts in PI! If it isn't, then maybe you should get out of it.

Anyway, I hope you figure things out, and I really empathise with you. Best of luck, whatever you decide.

nowyouresix

OP: I'm going to be blunt. You should stop contact with this guy right away. Don't let his culture be a forgiving factor for his treatment of you. From what I can see, he has no real interest in you. What has he to gain by being with you in the longer term? A passport?
It is easy to get sucked in to Internet friendship and confuse it with reality. People can type all sorts, tell you all sorts on line. The only true measure is to meet someone very soon after initial contact if you are dating on line. Otherwise you feel like there's a bond, but it's all just words. You can't connect with a username and a screen. He has treated you badly. Don't treat yourself badly by keeping with the notion that he's your bf. forget him, get out in the real world.
Good luck.

R.D. aka MR.D

You deserve better than this. He is not treating you right.

Why don't you try a small break? Say a month. In that month don't contact him and don't allow him to contact you. Set that month to try to make one real life acquaintance who you can see in the future becoming a friend. Just ask some one to grab a coffee or ask 'what are you guys doing for lunch? Can I tag along?' You are in college no one is going to say no to you tagging along to lunch.
You really have to push yourself and don't expect other people to do all the running in the beginning of a friendship.

And you say you have nothing else to do in the summer because you don't have friends to do it with. Can I suggest you look at G Adventures or Intrepid travel. If you have the potential to save for a J1 then you could save for one of these. Or take up a hobby like running/cycling. Or another idea is to do some volunteer work, it's great for meeting people too.

Best of luck op. You sound like a great person you just need to realise that.

Miss Fluff

dontknowwhattodo wrote: »

I cry constantly about my situation, and have a history of depression, from the ages of 13-16 which now, in my early 20s, I still feel haunts me. I just don't know what to do anymore.

The longer you spend with this guy the more haunted you will be, in fact I think it will askew your perception of what a healthy and loving relationship is and you need to channel some strength and put a stop to it. This guy sounds unfeeling and not particularly warm towards you and yet because you're lacking in any real-life tangible interaction with people you're grateful for what (little) and online attention he shows you. In fact I guarantee if you put the same amount of effort and man-hours into cultivating new friendships and going out and making the effort then you'd be a lot further ahead.

This person is consuming you and it's so unhealthy. I get that he's been abused and you feel sorry for him. I get that you feel a bond with his native country but those two reasons which YOU consider to be compelling are REALLY bizarre reasons to stay involved with someone who clearly doesn't care. Stop wasting your time and get on with real-life rather than investing all these tears and wasted energy on someone who is not going to change.

LegacyUser

Firstly, thanks a *million* for all the amazing replies-- everyone has hit on points which have really struck a chord with me and I really appreciate the time everyone spent helping me out.

I couldn't sleep last night so I wrote him an email basically explaining everything which had been hurting me, but from his initial reaction I just don't feel that he really gets it. What I thought might help towards resolving our issues has made me feel that any solution is further away than I had originally thought. I just want him to feel something-- any bit of love or affection or even sympathy for what I'm going through, because I just feel so alone in it. Below are summaries of the messages we sent:

My message:

-Since you left, things have been really, really difficult for me. I've been depressed and can hardly leave my own bedroom. I keep bursting into tears because I just feel so hopeless about the situation.
- "I want to start this by saying that I love you. A lot. I realise that I love you more than you love me, and for quite a while I've been willing to accept that. But it's just made me too accepting of a lot of things which, had it been anyone else, I probably wouldn't have been able to put up with at all."
- We had many good times and you were there for me when I needed you, but there were so many times of feeling desolate and alone, unwanted and simply isolated from the outside world.
- I often felt ugly and unlovable because you treated sex as a chore; something which was mechanic and something you needed to do for my sake and not because you felt anything for me. I never felt attractive or desirable.
- I just feel as if I have given so much to this relationship, yet all I get back is indifference. You just don't seem to feel the same way I do, and I feel the need to convince myself regularly that you *do* actually like me and that I really am your girlfriend.
- I want you to know that I'm willing to try anything to make this work. Really anything. I feel like I have given everything I can to this so far, but you need to be responsive to it and at least acknowledge that something isn't right. But I need to know that I'm investing in something worthwhile and that all this time and energy and tears isn't in vain.

His message:

((the message began with this quote)) - "I think we established already that I have problems with expressing emotion. And when things go bad my automatic response it to shut everything out, since that was my way of coping with certain individuals. I've come a long way since____ and I'm constantly trying to better myself. However I can't promise you that one day I'll be a stable person. In all probability I won't."
- Is it worth all those tears? That's a question only you can answer.
- As for sex, this is not your fault at all. The actual act feels good, sure. But I'm a pervy old man, and missionary just isn't arousing enough. So I am left with a feeling of "okay.. lets do it then". How fixable it is? Dunno. Depends on whats the kinkiest thing you're into, I suppose.

My message:

- Thing is, I think this is the crux of our problem. I really poured myself out to you last night- I couldn't sleep and it was the only thing which I felt could help the situation. At no point did you express any kind of concern or sympathy or even say that you loved me back. This is why I say that I must love you more (which you don't even try to deny); because I give a hell of a lot emotionally and just feel that time and time again I don't get a response which is enough for me.

I really appreciate that you're trying to better yourself and that's the main reason that I have hope for us. And it's true- you were there when it counted on much more than one occasion. But I really need more than what I'm getting- I'm simply really unhappy. I guess there are hard decisions that I have to make but what I'm looking for is simply some response from you which shows that you actually care enough to want to continue this with me.

If you want something more kinky, that can definitely be fixed too. I would be of the same mind, I just wish we had talked about it at an earlier stage.

His message:

Ah, I see what went wrong in that message.

You're right, you deserve better from me. I will be better. I may not show it much, but you are important to me. You are my only friend that I can talk to. Hell, I don't even hug my mother. And I do love you, in my own strange way. I guess there's nothing I can say besides that I'm trying to improve, and if you can't take it anymore then you don't have to. While I don't want to lose you, I won't force you to deal with all my **** either.

My message:

That's honestly all that I want. And I hope I'm not just dragging it out of you artificially, because I don't want to force you to say anything you don't sincerely mean just to give me hope that this might work. But I really do need to be told this stuff every now and then- it's a really big deal to me. I want to keep working on this for as long as it makes sense to do so.

Missy Moo Moo

Hi OP,

Not to sound patronising but you're in your early 20s, I would kill to be in my early 20s again and have my whole life ahead of me!

You'll kick yourself in years to come if you waste any more time with this miserable, rude bore who reduces you to tears more frequently than is healthy.

I know you say you have no friends to do the J1 thing with, but can you not go abroad on your own for the Summer? Go to the UK or Europe and work in a bar or do inter-railing? The sense of achievement and accomplishment will be amazing.

R.D. aka MR.D

Listen, from reading those messages and not knowing the whole back story and everything, it seems like he is rather indifferent.

Is it a language thing that he describes you as a 'friend'?

'Is it worth all those tears? That's a question only you can answer.' Sounds very much like an 'out' to me. As in he's giving you the opportunity to say 'it's not goodbye'.

But as i say no one can interpret this because only you know absolutely every detail and the nuances of your conversations.

LegacyUser

R.D. aka MR.D wrote: »

Listen, from reading those messages and not knowing the whole back story and everything, it seems like he is rather indifferent.

Is it a language thing that he describes you as a 'friend'?

'Is it worth all those tears? That's a question only you can answer.' Sounds very much like an 'out' to me. As in he's giving you the opportunity to say 'it's not goodbye'.

But as i say no one can interpret this because only you know absolutely every detail and the nuances of your conversations.

That's exactly how I feel: he's simply indifferent. I keep trying to provoke some kind of emotion from him, but it always seems like he couldn't care either way how it goes. This is also how he's reacted to Ireland, my family and sex in general. I just want him to feel something (anything!) for me or react strongly so that I know that there is something worth holding on to.

I think for a long time we have been friends, and it's only since last summer that we became more than that. He still treats me like his buddy, except for the times when I ask him to have sex with me and even then he's just like "hop on" and it's usually not romantic or intimate at all. It come to a stage where I feel like I can't get any better- I'm not a 'competitive' person and whenever I have any competition for a person or see a guy with lots of girls around him, I just lose hope. Doesn't help that I recently had a friend stress to me how 'hard the dating scene is' but it's like... I'm 21 years old- I want to be able to travel and have fun and get out there, but all I see in my future is sitting in front of a computer screen with the curtains drawn.

OP his last message was basically "yeah let's end it, i couldnt be bothered"
you are young, you have your life ahead of you, don't spend any more time on this guy who doesn't even give a damn about you
he doesn't care
move on, make friends, LIVE your life

LegacyUser

Just ended things
I feel absolutely horrible, and taking down the pictures of us together around the apartment was so painful. I hope I'm doing the right thing.

thefeatheredcat

OP this is more of an emotional connection that you have through both being able to relate to eachother in your pasts. You have that emotional bond, but what I get from how you describe him is not just indifference, it's someone who doesn't particularly care one way or another if you stay or go, because they've had that happen so much in their life. He doesn't care full stop. It's not that he doesn't care about you, but that he doesn't generally care.

I'd like to believe for your sake he does care and have feelings and emotions for you.... truly I would. I suspect there's a lot more about his past that disallows from having a level of emotional involvement in expressing his emotions, in words in gestures, in positive things, because it's an apathetic sense I get about him most likely caused by what he went through in the past. Shutting down emotionally when a conflict arises is really, really hard to be on the receiving side, and it is a form of emotional abuse.

Will he change? Not unless he wants to. Will he always be like this? Probably unless he chooses to change.

You've been honest about how his behavior has been taken up being and you've expressed that it makes you unhappy. How others perceive him and how others react to his behaviour aren't going to mean much to him. Because in the end, it's fine as long as he isn't the one hurt. He's effectively protected by not expressing his emotions and not allowing for himself to be emotionally involved with you on the same level that you are with him, by staying relatively emotionally detached.

Long term for you, I've been there. The constant crying and feeling of absolute unhappiness will eventually wear you down. Knowing that if something goes wrong when you meet up to be faced with sitting beside a cold, unfeeling person who leaves you to comfort yourself when they have a choice to offer comfort is a horror of a thought to face. I've done that. I cried very much alone in a corner while a person I loved pretended not to acknowledge me in the room, because of something they said and did, because ultimately of their behaviour and they offered nothing and carried on as if it never happened. It is the worst feeling in the world, knowing that someone you love and trust won't even offer the briefest of hugs only because they do not wish to offer a moment of being human and having a shred of emotion for fear for one second they might actually be less emotionally detached and opening themselves to a moment of emotional hurt.

Your happiness comes first. Start putting your happiness first. Your boyfriend, while you have an emotional connection to him, isn't going to make you happy and isn't going to give you what you need nor what you want, which is an emotional response in an emotional connection. Not until the day he has sorted out his baggage by whatever means at his disposal. That, I'm afraid is up to him. No love that you feel for him or him for you can stimulate that to happen.

Should you stay with him, I'm sure you will hear that he will tell you he will change. But the real question is does he really want to? Does he value himself, you and your relationship enough to attempt a real effort to change and get help, to address his behaviours and emotional issues?

I'd recommend taking a break. Broaden your horizons. If you can't get paid work for the summer, there's probably a lot that you can get involved with, even if only on a community or voluntary basis. Meet new people. Make yourself happy again and take a break from people who enthrall you emotionally and drain your energy in the process.

Live in the moment of life, and enjoy it. But ultimately make yourself happy again.

pAdidas

Hey OP,

From having a quick read through your email contact with him, kinda noticed 2 main things.

1. His emotional 'issues' are a feeble excuse for the way he acts around you and others, I myself come from a family which isn't exactly 'lovey dovey' we don't hug eachother or tell eachother we love eachother. But that in no way really affects how I am to other people. Most people's family life and personal life can be kept quite seperate.

2. It seems more that he is staying with you out of a desire more for the companionship, rather then to have a meaningful and healthy relationship.

His issues are what is in question here, you seem to be doing more than enough to make any man happy! You should hold your head up high, be more confident and don't let his ill will and bad behaviour affect how you live your life. If he doesn't properly address his own problems, there's nothing you can do yourself to make it work.

You will find someone else, always remember that, and when you do find the right person, you'll be kicking yourself for spending so much time, worry and tears on someone who doesn't appreciate you.

Tldr; you're perfect, he's the one with issues.

And yes, it is 5am and I'm in college at 9.

Best of luck,
P.