crossdressing came out but wife not happy

mandyb

I came out as a crossdresser to my fiancee, (married now 10 years) before she caught me, it was before she moved in with me, as i thought she would definately notice a my femme clothes in my wardrobe. The problem I have is she still does not want to see me dressed. We spend alot of time together which means I cant, secondly she did happen to go through my wardrobe to see what i was wearing behind her back,(although it may have just been putting ironing away) and went mad when she found out I also have a wig and shoes, no makeup but just a wig shoes to wear with my femme clothes, i dont know where to take the conversation with her now

Silverfish

Hi OP, I moved your thread to this forum, as you'll get more / better advice here.

baby and crumble

TBH OP, your wife doesn't have to embrace your crossdressing. But she does have to embrace you, and all that entails. You have been upfront about things, she knew you cross-dressed before you got married.

When you say you told her, what did you say? Did you explain why you like crossdressing, did you give her a chance to ask questions, etc?

mandyb

yes we went through all the usual, am i gay etc, and im not, i just love wearing the clothes, however she said to do it when she was not around, she would try to deal with it but didnt think she could handle it, this time she asked when i dressed exactly what, i told her no makeup, but wig etc including lingerie, but the wig seemed to nearly make her sick. now we are at a deadend as i dont want to push her, but shes not happy with me, and not ready to talk, my question i suppose is, what to say when we do? She also said if we ever have kids ive to give up, which is tough to think of, I can stay private, but giving up is a problem,

Nody

Couple counselling is the first thing springing to mind; second would be to try to discuss what her feelings is (as it appears quite obvious she's got an issue about some or all of it) and why (this may require further individual counselling though).

In the end things may simply not work out; you can't force a person to like all you do and you can't stop being who you are.

Neyite

I think its a bit of a cheek on her part to be honest. You were clear long before you made a legal commitment to each other, and if she had a problem with it, then was the time to either deal with it or walk away, not now.

She can't turn around after 10 years and start thowing shapes about it. I really dont get her repulsion to the wig - if you were feminine clothing surely (in my humble opinion) its just another element of the outfit?

I would second counselling - mainly for her to work out her issues on this issue but approaching it as a couple might be more constructive to the relationship.

floorpie

I amn't sure but, isn't she basically accepting of it, but just doesn't want to see it? I.e. she's saying "do it in secret if you want to"? What's the problem with this? She isn't stopping you from doing it. It seems like a fairly good compromise, no?

your wife doesn't have to embrace your crossdressing. But she does have to embrace you, and all that entails

No she doesn't...she doesn't have to do anything.

mandyb

i love her so much, but not sure how we can get around this, i know she knows i dress in private, the problem is she didnt know in how much detail, ie lingerie, wig etc, however my problem is when the urge comes, i need to dress, she could go away for a weekend and i wouldnt be bothered about dressing, it comes and goes, so i cant set a timetable, the question now is am i being selfish for wanting to dress when the need arises, i know if we have kids i can hold it as i do now, but she knows i dress occasionly, i just wonder if she will ever accept all of me, not me without the dressing, i know drama queen here, but its hard

floorpie

Why does she need to know in detail how you dress in private? If the implied deal was that she doesn't mind if do it privately then why can't you simply do it privately, in the sense that you don't concern her with it? It seems like she was ok with that arrangement, no? Or has she changed her mind about the private thing too?

You say in the same post that you can both hold the urge and can't hold the urge, which one is it?

mandyb

i cant hold it, i would for children, i would never let my potential son or daugher see me in a dress, but i am finding it hard right now with my wife, i just wish she could accept me, all of me, not sure what to do to be honest

floorpie

Is doing it privately not quite enough, do you want her to see?

How long were you together before you told her about all of this?

mandyb

the problem is i dont always want to do it, sometimes the urge is stronger, and if just us i really need to, and sometimes its worse than others, ive seen a counceller about this, the thing is sometimes i would be happy to put on i dont know, a tracksuit or something as long as its femme, other times i need to dress up more, sorry i am a bit lost here, this is tough, and i still respect her by the way

Daftendirekt

mandyb wrote: »

i love her so much, but not sure how we can get around this, i know she knows i dress in private, the problem is she didnt know in how much detail, ie lingerie, wig etc, however my problem is when the urge comes, i need to dress, she could go away for a weekend and i wouldnt be bothered about dressing, it comes and goes, so i cant set a timetable, the question now is am i being selfish for wanting to dress when the need arises, i know if we have kids i can hold it as i do now, but she knows i dress occasionly, i just wonder if she will ever accept all of me, not me without the dressing, i know drama queen here, but its hard

Everybody gets their kicks one way or another, so no, you aren't being selfish.

I don't think you're being a drama queen either... I can imagine how tough this must be for you!

I don't really know what to advise here, you were upfront from the beginning, so I find it a little odd that this is being sprung on you now. All I'd say is, you really need to sit down with your wife and talk about it with her properly. As Nody suggested, marriage counselling mightn't be a bad idea. Know that you aren't doing anything wrong, but try to see things from your wife's perspective too.

mandyb

i really do, but its still hard,

blatantrereg

She accepts that you use the jacks too. Doesn't mean she has to see or be involved.

You dont get to feel self-righteous for telling her before you were married. You didn't tell her until after she was engaged to you. You waited until she was already quite committed before disclosing this stuff about yourself. You dont get to take issue now, or expect things to be redefined on your terms. Your relationship was committed and defined well before you decided to reveal this.

mandyb

ok im not trying to justify myself here, i need help, any constructive critisism or advise welcome, but the reason for the blog is i need help

blatantrereg

I thought you were asking how to get her to actively participate.
Like someone said - do it in private. You suggest you dont really get a chance to - but arranging something shouldnt be too hard.
You could even bribe her - get her a present of a membership in something that would take her out of the house. You get TV time, and you get a bit of goodwill from her about it maybe.
I reckon you could come to an understanding, so long as you look for acceptance and accommodation - not approval or participation.

mandyb

i feel so guilty about this, but it is me thats the problem, is crossdressing that bad?

baby and crumble

No, crossdressing isn't all that bad. For women to dress in mens clothing, it's fine but the opposite isn't, it's a societal thing, OP.

I think, personally, that your wife is being unreasonable here. It's not as if you are now asking to go out in public dressed up, you're not doing anything new here that you haven't been doing for however long you've been married. She, however, seems to be trying to change the rules. However, most likely she has had this whole topic on her mind since you told her, and something has recently happened to push her into saying all these things to you.

OP, I think you need to talk to you really clearly about this. If needs be, write it all out in a letter, free from yelling, interruptions and all that. You need to be you, OP, but you also need to respect her being uncomfortable with this aspect of your personality. You can't demand she be ok with it all, just as she can't demand you stop entirely. You need to find out exactly what it is about you dressing up that is freaking her out- is it the feminisation of 'her man', is it the thought of others finding out, is it the thought of being labelled a 'freak' for being with you? I don't mean to sound harsh, op, but you need to find all this out from her before you decide where to go with it.

The only way to do that is to approach this maturely and equally, as partners, and try to find a way through.

inexperienced

OP, I dont think it's a problem to cross-dress. Like the other poster said, it's more likely a societal thing. Women have no problem to dress like a man but we dont really accept men to dress up.

The best thing is you talk with her clearly. I can understand from her side too as this is not the common practice among men... So, you better talk with her about this. Explain to her the reasons that you want to dress up, e.g. like the texture, feeling sexy... I dont know, but you surely must know better yourself.

And let her have the chance to tell your her worries too, e.g. would she be worried about that your 'urge' becoming bigger and bigger that you want to dress up in public, walk in the street and be starred by strangers... I put myself in her shoes and I dont think I can accept my husband dresses like a woman and walk in the street, may be that's why she has got repelled by the whole cross-dressing thing?... Do a little bit research on cross-dressing and talk with her. OP, remember though, not common does not mean it's not normal. Just you need to take care of her feelings too. Have a good talk with her and find a middle ground.

If you want people to accept you, you must accept yourself first. Also, you can't make people like what you like. All the best.

Katy89

op, sorry to say but from reading your posts you come across as very compulsive and not relaxed about it anymore.
as some other posters I get the feeling you really want your wife to take part or see you and acknowledge you in the women dresses.

she told you she doesn't like it and doesn't want to see it. but she accepts you doing it in private. that's the deal but the impression is, that YOU don't want to accept this deal anymore.

I would strongly suggest you continue or start again counseling. as others suggested, additional partner counselling would be a good thing as well.

all the best

BornToRun88

The priest says at the altar for married people to love each other through sickness and health and she certainly isn't loving you through your sickness:D

Ickle Magoo

BornToRun88 infracted.

As per the forum charter there is zero tolerance for muppetry on this forum and all advice should be mature, civil and constructive. If you are unable to post in such a manner, kindly refrain from posting.

Please take the time to read the [URL=" http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2056181484"]forum rules[/URL] in the charter and abide by them.

Many thanks.

LegacyUser

Being a crossdresser is a difficult space to inhabit. I have always felt that it is misunderstood and we are often classified as odd or just pigeon holed as having a fetish. To me it is more than that I feel that dressing enables me to get in touch with a side of me that is labelled 'feminine'. If there is such a thing as being feminine and masculine I don't mind being in touch with that feminine side. I like the clothes, the textures, fabrics, colours and the varity. I like the way I feel when I dress. It is a part of me. Unfortunately,society has a difficulty with men that crossdress for a varity of reasons and as a consequence being a crossdresser can make you feel very lonely. When I first looked for others like me on the internet all those years ago the majority of the sites were connected with porn and that made me feel more isolated. OP, you have been honest with your other half and in ways I can understand why she has a difficulty with it, as we are often very restricted with how we view gender roles. The only thing is it can be difficult to give up, I have tried but I couldn't as I was denying a part of me and it hurts too much. Good luck with everything and I hope it all works out.

thefeatheredcat

mandyb wrote: »

went mad when she found out I also have a wig and shoes, no makeup but just a wig shoes to wear with my femme clothes, i dont know where to take the conversation with her now

Does your wife understand what cross dressing is? Does she have a firm understanding of it and what it entails and how it makes you feel?

I get the impression she's ok with it to the point as long as she never sees you wearing any of your femme clothes or be out in public dressed up. If this is a part of who you are, then this is part of who you are, so I would see it that she's oppressing a part of you. She comes across as accepting a "flaw" in you as a person, has overlooked this, turned a blind eye, hoping maybe this "flaw" would go away by itself so she never has to confront it including how she really feels about cross dressing.

mandyb wrote: »

She also said if we ever have kids ive to give up, which is tough to think of, I can stay private, but giving up is a problem,

That's a fair indication that she isn't accepting of it. Maybe she thought it was a phase or something like that, but not part of your identity.

I think you need to really sit down and talk it out, find out how she really feels about it and be open to discussing cross dressing on two levels - the act of it, what it involves and how it makes you feel. Expressing a part of who you are is important, suppressing a part of your own self may not be the healthiest option in the long run, to keep another person happy.

LegacyUser

I think you have both hidden things from each other in the past, and that perhaps it is biting you both now.

I don't believe it was fair of you to wait until you were engaged to tell your wife that you engaged in cross-dressing. At that stage, there is a lot invested in the relationship and the future, so I believe it would have been a lot fairer to her to tell her earlier.

I also don't believe that it is fair of your wife to present your cross dressing as a big issue now, given that you did tell her before you were legally attached.

However, I think you have to acknowledge that, rightly or wrongly, the general societal view is that males dressing as females is not widely accepted. So of course your wife's view is going to be pretty subjective.

Your own thoughts seem fairly conflicted: you said in the same post about needing to meet your urge to dress as the need arose, but also of course holding that urge in if you had kids. I dont think you are being entirely honest there - its very obvious that dressing when you feel a strong urge simply isnt always possible; presumably you wouldnt do that in a work or family outing context. So i dont think you can expect your wife to accept your urge to dress whenever the urge strikes.

I think you are expecting your wife to accept a world where you can dress whenever the urge strikes, which simply doesnt seem to be reality. She does appear to be accepting of a more realistic version, ie you dress in private, for your own enjoyment, and that she doesnt need to be a part of it. To be honest, I think thats quite a decent compromise on her part, given how subjective/not that widely accepted cross dressing is. And i say that as someone who doesnt have any issues with it - in theory at least (I dont think I would in reality, but its only fair to say that Im only coming from this in a theoretical perspective)

I hope you two can work this out. I think your wife sounds like she is doing ok with it thoug, but that you want total and utter acceptance on her part, which is simply not realistic unless she is somewhat into the scene herself.

curlzy

Hey OP,

This is a subject that I find facinating. I've read tonnes of books and watch pretty much every documentary I can find on transgender, crossdressing, gay, lesbian, basically I find every aspect of sexuality and gender to be fascinating. With that in mind I probably understand a little more than most that this really is a part of you and it's not healthy for you to bury it. If I were you I'd educate her, she may have some horrible fears relating to it, if you were to ask her to watch some documentarties and read books on it I'm sure she'd realise that there's absolutely nothing "wrong" with what you're doing and she doesn't need to be threatened. I found lots of really good documentaries online. Have a look at documentaryheaven.com or topdocumentariesonline.com etc. Whatever happens I'm sure you can both work it out so that you're both happy and comfortable.

Best of luck.

xbiddyannx

OP,

I was once in the position your wife is in. My boyfriend told me he was a cross dresser. And i accepted it.

And this is the one thing that no girlfriend of a cross dresser will never admit to out-loud, but you need to hear it. His cross dressing made me feel like less of a woman. And it doesnt matter how liberal and open minded i liked to think i was, if i had the choice i would have changed that one little thing about him cos it made me feel like a failure of a woman. It made me feel like i was less attractive, cos every time i put on a sexy dress and he said wow, i wondered is he saying wow about me or the dress. Does he think im hot or does he just want to try on the dress.

Cut her some slack. Its not a fun thing to deal with. If her way of dealing with it is to not open herself up to the pain involved then that is her decision.


And as and aside.....4 years after my boyfriend told me he was a cross dresser he broke up with me cos he had realised he was actually transgender. Please think long and hard about what cross-dressing means to you.....you might be putting her through hell for the wrong reasons

kilkennycd

hi mandy,

I can only talk from my expeirance but when i told my other half just over a year ago I was ready for all the questions or most anyway. crossdressing is like everthing else in life some accept it others dont. like other posters said i dont understand the big deal in on sense as its only clothes and stuff. maybe you way forward is to search material regarding it online and discuss this with your wife along with here concerns. this is how I got through it in saying that from the moment i told my other half she was great and actually engcourages me to dress fully and make my self as femme as possible when i do ie shave all over breast forms ect. I hope it all works out for you both

noddyone2

I have crossdressed for many years, broached the subject early on in our relationship, my wife definetly did not approve. Didn't mind me in panties, but no farther. I have quite a (hidden) wardrobe and dress when she's away. I'm not gay, I just love the feel of women's underwear, corsetry, heels. Yes, I'm turned on by it. Be careful how you approach this with your beloved.

Oryx

There are two issues here, the first is you wanting her to see you dressed. She stated how she felt about that years ago, she hasnt changed her mind, youve moved the goal posts by wanting her to see you dressed. I cant see how or why you should put pressure on her to do this. I know you would like her to accept you fully, but Im sure she wishes you were not a man who crossdressed. You have an uneasy compromise, and unfortunately it would take a lot to change her mind I would imagine. All you can do for now is accept her stance as she does yours.

The second issue is children. She expects you to give up if you have kids. She must not understand that crossdressing is as much a part of you as your smile. It is not something you can remove from your persona, it is an engrained part of you. To remove this outlet from you would only cause you pain because it is thwarting a natural part of who you are. You cant turn it off like that.

So what to do? Talk to her. Allow her to rant, accuse, question, anything she needs to do. And answer her questions. But do not agree to demands that you stop if you know in your heart you cannot. This is a huge issue, because you are polar opposites here. It will take a lot of heartwrenching to find a solution, but talking is your only way.

LegacyUser

OP I can understand how difficult this is for you both. My partner crossdresses too. I knew from the beginning more or less and I think it is unfair (although I can understand why) that you waited until you were committed to let her know about this part of you. She can accept that it is a part of you but she cannot be a part of it, this is a reasonable thing. If it is very important to you that she sees you dressed then you need to explicitly discuss this and the reasons why. Then you could offer to meet with other couples like yourselves (there are many and if you like I can pm you through my reg account) in a regular setting to normalise things, say a coffee perhaps. Or a documentary that explains it could be a starting point. However if she is resistant then you have to accept that, be supportive not pushy.

In the beginning of our relationship this was a difficult issue- he had previously had to hide it and found it difficult to be open with me and I admit that there were times when I found it difficult also. Fortunately we are the same shoe size so that helped! (although it was incredibly weird too!). I do not agree with an earlier post that all women in this position find it de-feminising, we are now in a position were this works for us and I enjoy it. I love him and I love her and there are other couples like us too.

We have talked about what might happen when we have children and we think that given how nosey children are (how do you explain the wigs huh?!) and how time consuming it will be to be parents that this is something that will take a back seat. I am aware that this is part of him so I wouldn't like to say that it will end completely with children but we are realistic about it. And children eventually move out!

I hope that you and your wife find your way through this but this is not something that you can demand your wife take part of, if it makes her really uncomfortable and if it really is important to you then you need to assess how much before you have children and make this more complicated.

iguana

I know that the OP posted here nearly a month ago but if you are still reading then there is something else that might be worth considering. You describe a compulsive urge to dress a certain way, an urge that comes on you out of nowhere and you find extremely difficult to ignore. I'm not sure your wife will ever really be able to understand that.

Putting myself in her shoes I've tried and tried to understand why anyone would have a sudden compulsion to wear something and outside of obvious physical reasons (like wanting a warm jumper if you are very cold or something light if it's very hot) I really can't imagine it. I've never, ever in my life had a feeling like, omg I need to wear a particular outfit right now in order to feel fullfilled. I've talked to other people about it and nobody I have spoken to feels that way about clothes. People might have a deep desire to own a particular dress/jeans/shoes or to dress a certain way for a particular event, but a sudden urge to wear a particular type of clothing for no obvious reason isn't usual.

I'm not saying it's wrong for you to feel the way you do. Most of us have our own compulsions that most other people would never understand. But unless your wife has ever had a sudden unexplainable urge to wear a particular outfit right now for no particular reason, she can not understand where you are coming from. And you are going to have to talk to her A LOT, and listen to her a lot, before you can even hope that one day she will be able to.

As for what you have a right for her to accept, the fact is that you did wait until you were heavily involved to be honest with her about your compulsion and when you did finally tell her, she and you clearly agreed that she would accept it as long as you accepted she did not want to have any part of it. It is you who wants to move the goalposts here, not her. She just wants things to continue as you initially agreed. Now that's fair enough. Couples make decisions all of the time that turn out to be unworkable ten years later and I can see exactly why her not wanting to be involved in a part of you that feels integral to you isn't working for you any more. It's not unfair to realise that and want to change it. But it is unfair of you to expect that to change without being willing to really see things from her perspective and understand why she will struggle with it. You will also need to accept that the compromise you made ten years ago may just have been a way on both of your parts of avoiding the inevitable. Because if she can't accept this part of you and you need her to accept it, then maybe you two just are not compatible as a couple and it's best to examine that possibility right now, before you think any more about having children together.

(This part I've debated adding but to be frank I think it needs to be said.) While there is nothing wrong with you enjoying dressing in women's clothing, I do think there is something very seriously wrong with just stating that you have a compulsion and you and all around you need to accept that and get on board with it. As I said we all have compulsions but we have to learn how to control them. I'm not suggesting you stop doing something that you enjoy and love but I am suggesting you carve out a space for it that works for your life. Anyone who has ever felt a strong urge to do a particular thing will also know that sometimes you will get that urge at a time where it is impossible to give into it. So you have to learn how to control those urges rather than let those urges control you. You could even learn it in a way that's enjoyable. So if you are sitting down watching a movie with your wife and you get a sudden urge to dress femme instead of feeling you should give into it and resenting her for stopping you, you could instead work out the next good time to dress that way and spend the intervening time building anticipation for it. Think about, plan what you will wear, plan if you'll have a glass of wine while you get ready, what music you might listen to, etc. Look forward to it and allow the anticipation to make the final gratification even better when the time to actually do it comes around.