I'm so lonely I can't breathe

LegacyUser

This might be a bit of a rant.

I am a 21 year old female and I am so lonely. I have one friend, who I have seen once since Christmas. I spend most nights in on my own, sometimes I go out with my ex bf, who is also my housemate.

I am in college but I am disliked highly by everyone. I don't know why. Nobody will give me a reason. On person, when I stayed for drinks said "you just have a face people want to slap". People make comments about me, my work, they say i'm not good enough to be there, that i'm ditzy, they berate me as I miss alot of time but the reason I don't go in is because I'm so depressed when I'm there. I feel so left out, I so desperately want friends, and nights out and to feel included. Its a very small college, everyone knows one and other. I'm in my final year.

I don't have any family, my parents died and my extended family aren't bothered about me.

I had no friends in school, I was told it would be different in college.

I'm wasting my youth sitting at home doing work, I never get out, get to go travelling, have experiences. Everywhere I go people hate me. The only time I get attention is from men that find me attractive. I've joined clubs and societies, people just wouldnt talk to me.
I considered suicide but I could never got through with it.

How do I stop feeling this way. I can't even bare to get out of bed in the morning. Every day is a struggle.

Iconwine

Hello OP, sorry to hear about ur current situation,. Sounds like u are having a tough time.

I cant say why you dont have many friends as i dont know u but what i can say from reading your post is that u are caught in a vicious cycle. By not going into college u are further segregating yourself from your peers and making it more impossible for you to get into the groups you want to be in.... Are there people in your college that u would like to be friends with?? Make that your goal if so, begin moving in the same circles as them and making as much of an effort as you can to socialize in any way with them, show them the real you and people will appreciate that.

If there is no group that you want to befriend in college then thats ok too. Ur college is small, therefore ur type of people might not be there for you, why not join some clubs or societies that interest you and make a group of friends outside of college. This might be a better plan as in final year at this stage most people have formulated their groups which can be quite "exclusive".

You may have to put on a brave face and leave ur deamons at home, maybe people get a negative energy from you because you are focusing on your problems instead of focusing on creating a solution. I know that sounds really patronising and you have been through a lot, i dont want to downplay your problems and say that you should forget them but in order to turn over a new leaf you need to focus on creating some positivity in your life.....good things will follow i promise. If you ever need to talk PM me anytime xx

Klingon Hamlet

OP I read your post and had to respond. I was totally blown away by the amount of hostility shown towards you. It sounds to me that you have very low self esteem which has only been worsened by a group of useless twits I wouldn't waste two seconds with.

Bear in mind this world is filled with people perfectly happy to bring good people down and make them feel worthless. That makes them sh1ts, so be wary.

Also, it does not make you ditzy or any of the other things they label you. Behind their words is a pettiness beyond reason. They're pathetic. Avoid them.

The attention from men proves one of possibly many of your virtues: beauty. In fact, it is highly possible you are a bright and attractive person, a combination many of the small-minded find threatening. Not your fault.

You have a very difficult family history and I'm sorry for what you've gone through.To suffer such loss and grow up and study and work hard, takes a fortitude, an inner strength few possess. You should be proud of yourself.

Living with your ex might IMHO be a tricky situation. Are there any latent feelings on either side? Or is it a comfortable situation?

Thoughts of suicide are really thoughts of escape, peace. You want peace of mind and happiness and are getting neither at the moment.

You say people don't talk to you...are you naturally introverted? Do you shy away from saying hello? Is it possible that through your extreme shyness, you are giving the impression you don't like that person? Forgive my directness, it;s something I did when I was younger, and found the reaction mystifying. It's often amazing the difference it makes when you defy your instinct to hide away or step back and actually jump into social gatherings headfirst.

The "one friend"...are they your best friend? Are they close enough to speak with? You deserve to lean on someone, open up and let the stress and worries out. Sometimes finding a shoulder to cry on/ear to burn can make big problems shrink, and make solutions appear.

Finally, counselling is always an excellent option when facing seemingly insurmountable odds.

Hope I can help. I've faced hellish struggles and come out stronger. Feel free to PM me if I can help you at all. either way best of luck, and be good to yourself!:)

Faith

Well, firstly it sounds like you need to speak to your GP. If you are actually suffering from depression, your doctor will be able to organise a course of action that will help you get back on your feet.

The people around you sound horrible. Everybody has redeeming qualities and OF COURSE you're likeable. You're just not around the right people. You're nearly finished college, so the world is soon to be your oyster. In an ideal world, what would you do next? Travelling would be a great option - many people do it alone, and it's a FANTASTIC opportunity to explore new areas, develop your independence and your self-confidence will sky rocket. You'll meet so many new people the whole time that I guarantee plenty of them will like you.

Honestly, it sounds like you may have gotten stuck in a self-fulfilling prophecy: You've become conditioned to expect people to dislike you, so chances are you're projecting that image of self-hatred to others. A counsellor could help you deal with those issues so you learn to project a more positive, inviting image. Certain people thrive on the weakness of others, and asking people why they don't like you demonstrates huge vulnerability. Unkind people will take advantage of that, perhaps to make them feel better about themselves.

Take advantage of boards.ie - it's a wonderful resource. Thousands of us have made friends online that translate to real life. Even if they remain online friends, don't underestimate how much they can alleviate loneliness. If there's ever any meet-ups near you, try to go to them. Most people who go to boards meet-ups are very open to making new friends and are super friendly and welcoming.

Finally, you're SO young. Your whole life is ahead of you, just waiting for you to embrace it. Start by speaking to your doctor and making an appointment with a counsellor (most colleges will have a counselling service). Decide what it is you want to do after you finish college and just concentrate on making that a reality. It's only a few more months with those toxic people and then you'll be away from them.

Just keep putting one foot in front of the other, and I guarantee things will pick up soon.

All the best!

Killed By Death

Your college peers sound like a bunch of bullies. I'm not suprised you hate going in. I think you should definitely get to a GP and explain what you are going through and see what help and support you can get.

Meanwhile, please take care of yourself and don't listen to the bullies sweetheart. You are worth so much more than those people.

Jen Pigs Fly

I'm the same as you in a way, I'm very segregated with everyone else in college, wouldn't consider anyone a friend, they all just ignore me. I get on with it, like you I'm 21, in my 4th year too. I keep telling myself i'll be finished soon and I'll never have to see these people again!

The same outside of college, I have few good friends but that's it. I find it very hard to meet people and to make friends, years of bullying, and (like you) loneliness makes it very hard to relate to people on a level that would make them consider me a friend, I'm too afraid of what they think about me and how they would react.

I'm just getting on with it, I was never popular in school, never really had many friends, but like you I got attention from men

Looking back, there was a lot of jealously, I was an 'ugly' kid growing up, but once I hit 16/17 I blossomed, which triggered me to loose 'fake' friends. it made me realise that people were jealous, didn't like that I suddenly grew into myself and got confident.

I wonder if you are in the same boat OP, people just don't seem to want to make time for you/me, they ignore if we try to make contact, say bad stuff behind our backs, etc.

I've always had a fake confident bravada, a tough skin, perhaps you should take a step back (like I did) and think about yourself, how you act etc and then look at people you consider confident (be it someone you look up to, celebrity, etc) and try to emulate their confidence.

After a while, you will be able to put on a fake confidence, I had to, it gave me a tough skin.

I know how you feel OP, but consider the jealously aspect if you're getting male attention you are probably attractive, some people (especially groups of friends) will 'hate' on someone who is attractive and will try to isolate them and not want to relate or communicate with them.

Youre time will come, I'm the same, I'm still waiting for mine, but I know it will come, I may not have had any friends in school or college, but there's always my working life, who knows it could change for both of us!

Chin up OP, if you want to talk to someone who knows how you feel, let me know.

Starokan

sorry to hear your feeling this way op. Being lonely is a terrible thing to endure. I hope college improves for you , fwiw your going about it the right way by joining clubs /societies etc and somewhere along the way you will find the friends you need.

For now don't even bother trying to associate with people who you feel dislike you, if they assume this position without ever trying to get to know you then its not worth the time and effort to make them change their minds.

I would echo what Faith said earlier, its easy to make friends online and these friendships can transfer to real life friendships or can remain online, sign up here or to another site and see how it goes.

This is a sad time for you but do not let it dictate your life, the best revenge you will ever have on the pathetic individuals treating you this way is to do the best you can in college and qualify in your chosen profession. If you wish to travel you can do it alone , thousands of people do it every year, its fun and you will meet people on the way.

If these feelings of depression remain don't be afraid to seek professional help either in the form of a GP or some form of therapy. This will give you the tools you need to aid you through this difficult time.

I hope things take an upturn for you soon

wylo

Go to a GP asap, dont underestimate your issues and write them off a personal issue.

You have stuff that needs dealing with, but you have also created alot of nonsense in your head about yourself, that only you believe. This nonsense can project itself outwards. This is not about the people around you, sure , some of them arent helping one bit, but on a whole, if you were truly happy you wouldnt give a crap about any comments like that. T his is about what you are creating in your head. I call it nonsense , because thats all it is, its thought gone out of control, thoughts about yourself, your life, other people, how you should live, what should make you happy, everything.
These thougths are very addictive, and dangerous.

I would recommending some meditation , not as any cure or anything but just so you can begin to get a better grip.

This is serious, you only have one life and you've obviously had a tough one, dont waste the rest of it. Once you get a taste for what its like to be actually happy, you wont want to look back.

LegacyUser

Hi Everyone, I will try to answer all your q's in this post, sorry if my Original post seemed a bit shambley, I was a mess when writing it.

@ICONWINE Some people have said I have a bad aura/bad vibes. I do try very hard to block it out but the old thoughts of nobody liked you then, why should now be any different creep back in.

@KlingonHamlet living with my ex is ok. He broke up with me, I'm moving on. I have nowhere else to go. I am not that introverted, I used to be very outgoing, I did alot o acting etc...but now people are starting to break me down and i'm becoming socially anxious.
She is my best friend but I would rather not talk to her about this. She doesn't know I'm a friendless freak.
I am seeing the college counsellor though, but only twice a month, demand is high

@Faith I tried to speak to my GP about depression before, as I am currently suffering with eczema and it is really getting me down, she gave me treatment for eczema but kind of brushed over the depression but, I'm not sure how to go about bringing it up again
I might just try boards to make friends, I did once before but never got around to the meet ups.

@sunflower27 I did try to make an effort but they just didnt take to me, they would walk away often or shoot me looks. I'm not sure why

People tell me they hate me or dislike me. Or other people, aquaintences in college have told me what people are saying about me behind my back as they feel sorry for me. I am quite but not as quite as it may seem. I probably appear extrovert but inside i'm nervous and scared and shy. I don't think I am a bad person, I have never and would never hurt anyone, I don't judge people, I am accepting of everyone and very loyal, I make an excellent friend if people give me the chance.

People tell me I'm attractive, girls say i'm pretty and cute and gorgeous. I get alot of men chatting me up and telling me they love me, I have had some men get very sexually aggressive with me. But honestly when I look in the mirror I am disgusted. I really see nothing but ugliness, I have eczema and I think I look like a diseased freak, I have horrible dark circles under my eyes and my eyes are huge like an alien.

Women do hate me though, more so than men.

Thank you everyone for your replies. I am starting to see a new guy now and he is amazing but he is really attractive I can't see how he could possibly want to be with me. He has alot of friends, I don't want him to find out how alone I am.

Taltos

All,

can I please ask everyone if you have not already done so to please review our Charter.
Specifically on the following two points.

1. Text-speak - please do not use text speak it can make if difficult to decipher your messages.
2. Asking the OP to PM you - or contact you, this is quite severly frowned upon in PI/RI for all the reasons listed in our Charter. Please never ask the OP to do this, and OP - please don't take someone up on this offer, while possibly well intentioned we have no idea who is on the other side of that IP addresss.

Thanks
Taltos