Is it Normal not to want children

LegacyUser

Hi

In a very happy marriage of 8 years (18 yrs together). We have discussed having children and both agree we don't want them.

The problem is my EVERYONE brings up the subject of whether we have kids or plan to. Especially now as I'm fast approaching 40.

Personally I think it is none of their business, but I don't like to be rude. Most of the time I feel I have to justify the fact that we don't plan to have them.

I usually try to say that it is great to have kids but equally OK not to want them. But I always get awkward reactions.

Am I over analysing this - Is it OK not to want kids?

Beruthiel

whatToSay wrote: »

I usually try to say that it is great to have kids but equally OK not to want them. But I always get awkward reactions.

Well that will teach them for asking you such a personal question.
Thoughtless people who ask such personal questions should be made to feel awkward.

Sure, kids are great and people who have them would have it no other way.
Equally, not having them is a choice you have every right to make and life will be an awful lot easier in so many ways.
You'll have more money in your pocket and can come and go as you please. Not being responsible for another human being for 18+ years etc...

Next time someone asks, tell them that after having yourself psychologically profiled you were told it was best not to have small children in your care.
That should cut out any more questions.

username123

I am fast approaching 40 and married a few years and neither of us want to have children.

Children actually annoy me, I dont like them at all, Id rather chew off my own leg than be a parent. Thats what I tell people who ask the personal question It shuts them up pretty quick.

seefin

I am female, never had desire to have kids, don't dislike them, like playing with my friends kids etc but have absolutely desire to have any.when I see babies,while everyone else is cooing I feel absolutely nothing. I reckon majority of women do have this innate biological urge to have babies so yes it isnt the 'norm ' to not want them.there's probably a sizeable amount of people who don't have this urge but because its the done thing,go and have them anyway.
It bugs me that people can't accept my decision and can't believe its possible to not have a maternal instinct. They reckon if I had a baby it would bring maternal instinct out. Well maybe that's true, but to be honest, why would anyone choose to have kids unless forced into it by maternal instinct or societal expectations. Its a massive sacrifice to make so you need a damn good reason to take the step.
I've focused on women here-I reckon that most men don't have strong feelings either way-could be wrong though?

dory

Sounds like ye're a perfect match. The only issue here would be if your hubby wanted them. You need to tell people to stop asking such personal questions. If you want just come straight out and say "we'll never be having them and that's that".
I'm female and really don't think I'll ever want them.

Missy Moo Moo

I can't stand those nosey people that feel they have the right to ask such personal questions. A friend of mine was having great difficulty conceiving once and it turned out she had some fertility problems. People constantly asked her and her husband when they were going to have kids, etc. Its just so thoughtless asking because you don't know what people are going through behind the scenes. Having a baby is not like asking where you're going on holidays in the Summer.

Anyway.... I think you're very lucky OP that you and your OH are in agreement on this, think of the couples who are divided on this and agonise over whether to stay together or not. Once you and your OH are happy, that matters more than the nosey parkers.

If I were you, I'd have some devastating comebacks/ put downs for the next "well meaning" person who asks when you're going to hear the pitter patter of tiny feet. Either that or a simple "I'm not comfortable discussing such a personal matter." Nosey parkers need to be called on their behaviour in some way, shape or form, or else they continue to think its acceptable. Do not entertain them with justification of why you don't want to have kids. If you said you did want kids, nobody expects you to justify your reasons, so why should the reverse apply?

For what its worth, it is totally normal to not want children, in the same way its normal to want to have them. They're not for everyone and seem people don't figure that out until its too late.

Jack B. Badd

Having children isn't well presented as a choice in our society, it's simply assumed that everyone will want and have them (unless you can't, but in that case the assumption is that you still want them). Even if you don't want them, you should still have them because, you know, it'll be different when you have your own :rolleyes: Some people tend to react oddly when confronted with the idea that something that they thought was a given is actually a choice - it's one of those "foundation shaking" confrontations but they just have to deal with it, it's not your problem.

While I think that choosing not to have children or at least giving the choice some serious thought (not just "going with the herd" as I think a not-insignificant number of people do) is fine, it's not yet viewed as the norm in our society. It's becoming more accepted though so just give it time If you want to feel more "normal" try googling for childfree websites/fora (I've found The ChildFree Life to be very good). You'll find that there is a broad spectrum of people within the CF community, from people who love and/or work with children but don't want their own to people who genuinely don't like children. Finding people who feel similarly to you, even if they aren't in your local area, can make the world seem a bit less hostile to your orientation & choice.

ETA: By the way, the comments you're getting from nosey people are usually called bingos. Thinking up quick-witted responses is a well-loved pass-time (:D) although the bingos themselves can get very tiring!

LegacyUser

Hi Op,
It is completely normal not to want children.
People can be incredibly rude and ask intrusive questions as you've experienced.
Whenever you buck a popular trend...you're going to get grief for it.
Some people are well meaning enough and just don't stop to think that you might not have children because of fertility issues/illness and some people simply cannot wrap their brains around the fact that people sometimes make different life choices to theirs.

Judge each situation separately. If you think the person is coming from a good place you can laugh it off "The conditions of my parole forbid me from having kids" or simply explain you won't be having any.
There is however an element of bullying that exists where in-laws/ relatives/ childed friends can be quite horrible and nasty. Things like being told your marriage is pointless if you aren't going to procreate.....that you're not a "real woman"...that you don't truly love your partner etc. This usually comes from other females. The important thing to remember is that nobody who is truly happy being a parent will ever need to shove their choice down your throat. They will just accept you as you are. Don't allow yourself to be bullied.

After 18 years together you sound like you really know each other...you have a beautiful thing and all the freedom in the world to enjoy it.

saa

ARRRRGH I cannot understand that if someone doesn't have children they obviously don't want children or have been trying and have not been successful either way its a pointless thing to ask.

Its perfectly normal not to want children, it would not be okay to have children you don't want to please others it is fine to not have children and not fulfill someone else's expectations, personally I think they're just trying to make small talk but should just be content with silence.

Not having children is only a bad thing if it was your intention to, I don't want to have a "good job" so I'm not going to be made feel abnormal or like a failure when someone asks me about my career.

Edit: I want children even though it doesn't sound like it I'm just very understanding that other people are different and want different things no matter how that aligns with society.

Neyite

saa wrote: »

ARRRRGH I cannot understand that if someone doesn't have children they obviously don't want children or have been trying and have not been successful either way its a pointless thing to ask.

OP, this is essentially it. I had a bit of trouble concieving and the amount of rudeness I encounterd from nosy people was awful. You have no obligation to explain your reproductive choices, and sometimes to explain only gives them more ammo - because then they will retort with inane crap like "ah, well you'll feel differently in a few years and it will be too late" etc.

Its perfectly normal to not want children, as it is also perfectly natural to want them. More importantly, its yours and your husbands business, nobody else's.

My stock phrase for people asking me about children (on a good day) was to pause a bit, then say nice and calmly "that's a very personal question to ask someone, dont you think?" then I would change the subject. On a bad day, when I was cranky, it was more along the lines of "lets talk about your sex life instead, shall we?" or other cheeky phrases.

But the best response I can see would be to paraphrase SAA's excellent point, quoted above:

"don't you think that if someone doesn't have children either they don't want children or have been trying unsuccessfully and either way its a very invasive and pointless question to ask"

boobar

whatToSay wrote: »

Hi

In a very happy marriage of 8 years (18 yrs together). We have discussed having children and both agree we don't want them.

The problem is my EVERYONE brings up the subject of whether we have kids or plan to. Especially now as I'm fast approaching 40.

Personally I think it is none of their business, but I don't like to be rude. Most of the time I feel I have to justify the fact that we don't plan to have them.

I usually try to say that it is great to have kids but equally OK not to want them. But I always get awkward reactions.

Am I over analysing this - Is it OK not to want kids?

It's totally ok not to want kids. And I say that as a father myself. Better to know what you want than think it's the logical next step for you and then hate it afterwards.

I've found people can be very forward when asking very personal questions, they should just butt out and keep their mouths shut.

Believe me, the problem is with them and their perceived right to ask such personal questions. It's nobody's business but yours and your partner's.

Daisy M

It doesnt matter if it is normal or not, its you and your husbands decision and if ye are happy with it then thats the way it is. I have children I love them to bits and couldnt be with out them but thats me not you, doesnt mean either of us arent normal.

Next time someone asks if you have already had a conversation with them about it remind them of it. Just act suprised to be asked and say something along the lines of " oh do you not remember? We talked about this before and I already said we dont plan on having children". If someone asks who has never asked before do not justify yourself just say its not in our plans, if they press it with reasons why you may regret it give the same answer. If you choose to give reasons, holes will be picked in them give no reasons just your decision.

LegacyUser

I don’t see anything wrong with it and I think it is becoming more common nowadays. I just think people need to change their way of viewing things and learn to communicate without being so personal. I think it is lack of manners and tact. Nothing is worse than being made to feel that having kids is the societal duty or norm.

You are honest with yourself and not conforming to other people’s standards and expectations which I admire greatly. I have colleagues and relatives of friends that had children to appease their family or shut their spouse up. They regretted having them because of being pressured and they went along with it because they thought it was the normal thing to do. Some were told that their parental instincts would kick in. Well it did for some of them and did not happen for few of them. Kids are a lot of work and all the preparation in the world is not a guarantee that it is going to be easier; the time, work, energy, devotion and finances are just a small part of it. I personally would like to be a mother one day but will only have children if my future husband can afford me to stay at home. If not, I may take Jack B. Badd’s suggestion and look into the CF community.

If someone ever asks you that question again I would simply tell them it’s none of your bloody business because it really is.

Ickle Magoo

Of course it's perfectly normal OP!

It's just a case of nosey people who have an over-inflated sense of entitlement/the social graces of a gerbil when it comes to commenting on other peoples lives.

Take heart that it's not just you and your particular scenario; if you had kids the same people would be asking you if you were having more/that you had too many/etc, etc.

Just ignore them or tell them to mind their own - as long as you and yours are happy, the reproductive decisions you make are both normal and none of their business.

All the very best. :cool:

Logical Fallacy

I'm just gonna say it right now...people are weird about happiness. There can be a general assumption that what makes them happy will also make you happy...I think it's something that we are all victim to at tiny levels (like really enjoying a film or song and being surprised when other people don't) to kids.

Personally i don't want kids, neither does my fiance. It's one of the foundations of our relationship...sometimes we have people tell us we will "change our mind" or some other such bull****. My fiance is pretty patient but i tend to give such concepts pretty short thrift and shoot them down there and then. I find most people tend to mention it once, then never again.

I'm not trying to punch holes in other people concept of their happiness but i also won't allow them to try and do the same to us.

Eric Cartman

perfectly normal, to be fair I really dislike children, try to avoid people bringing their kids near me at all costs.

paws77

OP, I know where you're coming from. I'm the same, except we were trying for a while(a few years). I've had the nosies ask why i wont adopt/foster/have treatment. We've decided if we can't have our own, we're not too bothered.

I am so using the quote about not passing a psychological test:D:D:D

d1975

I've yet to meet a woman who doesn't want kids, I don't like the idea of being a dad, I do have neices, nephews and cousins and when I'm with them I enjoy playing with them. when I told my last ex she was okish with it then she started to bring up adoption etc.. I just said kids aren't for me and we ended up finishing the relationship.

nice to know other women feel same way as me while not that many

b743k

It's completely normal. I can't understand how people can have kids that they can't care for fully and this is more admirable than making the decision not to have them.

It's not for everyone, what is? Everyone likes different things so how could should a huge commitment to suited to or wanted by everyone??

This thread is about infertility ettiquette but it has some come backs for nosey parkers which could be used by those who don't want them too.

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2056199872

OhYesItIs

With total respect to all the contributors comments here:

If you have discussed and analysed why you would prefer not have children, then all well and good.

The contributors are largely supporting you in that.

My only comment would be is that quite often, people who have experienced a difficult, traumatic, emotional or physically abusive childhood, can find it very difficult to approach or consider being a parent with a positive and confident attitude.

I would hate to think that as the clock ticks on, that perhaps unresolved issues in peoples past can lead to hesitancy in having children.

If you can rule that out, I mean, if that isnt an issue for you, then I would say you are making the right decision for yourself and your partner.

In my opinion, being a parent is the greatest experience that life can offer.

Best wishes.

whatToSay wrote: »

Hi

In a very happy marriage of 8 years (18 yrs together). We have discussed having children and both agree we don't want them.

The problem is my EVERYONE brings up the subject of whether we have kids or plan to. Especially now as I'm fast approaching 40.

Personally I think it is none of their business, but I don't like to be rude. Most of the time I feel I have to justify the fact that we don't plan to have them.

I usually try to say that it is great to have kids but equally OK not to want them. But I always get awkward reactions.

Am I over analysing this - Is it OK not to want kids?

OhYesItIs

Seefin. You close your post:

'I've focused on women here-I reckon that most men don't have strong feelings either way-could be wrong though?[/Quote]

Errrr.....Yes you're wrong on that.

trio

OhYesItIs wrote: »

My only comment would be is that quite often, people who have experienced a difficult, traumatic, emotional or physically abusive childhood, can find it very difficult to approach or consider being a parent with a positive and confident attitude.

I would hate to think that as the clock ticks on, that perhaps unresolved issues in peoples past can lead to hesitancy in having children.

.

"Quite Often"??

Have you surveyed the childless of this country on their childhoods then?

*sigh*

OP, the comments won't stop till you pass 40. And then the pitying will start. It is INSANE that we have to endure such offensive little bombshells lobbed in our direction every night we go out and someone has a few drinks.

What is staggering is that my OH, who is an uninterested in parenting as I, never gets these comments from his friends. His Dad friends may think these thoughts, but apparently they keep schtum about them. I do get a lot of comments, usually from new mothers who are both (a) newly evangelical about parenthood, and (b) see you as their peer and are a bit perturbed with discovering you do not share the same fundamental lifestyle tastes now when you were all like peas in a pod in your twenties.

What is upsetting particularly is when you have obeyed your part of the social contract by expressing interest in their kids. And sometimes it IS interesting - in a "the more you know" kinda way. So you've been A Good Friend. So when they turn around and with that syrupy smile say "And whatabout yourselves?" you feel really taken aback, considering this person has known you all your adult life, and can reasonably assume you haven't had a secret personality transplant before heading out this evening.

So you say confusedly "But sure haven't we always said it's not for us?" to which comes the lightening-fast sly grin....."Aaaah, they all say that!"

Really?? They all say that?? Who, exactly? Can you actually name any names?

Then the Voice of Plainly Greater Knowledge continues to intone: "Wait till it's one of your own!!"

It does affect you, because suddenly your left with the impression that your friends think you have the decision making abilities of the average 8 year old. Just a sniff of the right baby will turn you broody, like a sniff of chocolate will make a kid give up Lent. You look at your friend and think "Jaysus, do they not know us at all? Even after all these years??" and that is upsetting.

username123

OhYesItIs wrote: »

My only comment would be is that quite often, people who have experienced a difficult, traumatic, emotional or physically abusive childhood, can find it very difficult to approach or consider being a parent with a positive and confident attitude.

How do you know this? Its quite patronising to assume that people who dont want children may have had a traumatic childhood - maybe they just dont want kids?

I would think that most people who DO have children never thought about it. Ask people with children 'Why did you have children?' and most cannot answer you except to say 'oh I just wanted to'. I realise they wanted to - but why????

username123

trio wrote: »

Then the Voice of Plainly Greater Knowledge continues to intone: "Wait till it's one of your own!!"

I once worked with a guy, same age as me, who couldnt fathom why I would not want children (he and his wife, at her request, had embarked on massively stressful and expensive fertility treatments to have children).
He would regularly patronise me with:
"You see Username, what happens to a woman is this, one day she wakes up, and she just wants a baby, and nothing can change her mind, nothing, she wont be happy until she has one. It will happen to you one of these days. I know youre just having a laugh when you say you dont want children to wind me up for all the trouble I had to go through for my wife to get pregnant."

I mean seriously - is this what a person actually thought - scarily, yes.

LegacyUser

trio wrote: »

"Quite Often"??

Have you surveyed the childless of this country on their childhoods then?

*sigh*

OP, the comments won't stop till you pass 40. And then the pitying will start. It is INSANE that we have to endure such offensive little bombshells lobbed in our direction every night we go out and someone has a few drinks.

What is staggering is that my OH, who is an uninterested in parenting as I, never gets these comments from his friends. His Dad friends may think these thoughts, but apparently they keep schtum about them. I do get a lot of comments, usually from new mothers who are both (a) newly evangelical about parenthood, and (b) see you as their peer and are a bit perturbed with discovering you do not share the same fundamental lifestyle tastes now when you were all like peas in a pod in your twenties.

What is upsetting particularly is when you have obeyed your part of the social contract by expressing interest in their kids. And sometimes it IS interesting - in a "the more you know" kinda way. So you've been A Good Friend. So when they turn around and with that syrupy smile say "And whatabout yourselves?" you feel really taken aback, considering this person has known you all your adult life, and can reasonably assume you haven't had a secret personality transplant before heading out this evening.

So you say confusedly "But sure haven't we always said it's not for us?" to which comes the lightening-fast sly grin....."Aaaah, they all say that!"

Really?? They all say that?? Who, exactly? Can you actually name any names?

Good post, and I agree with most of it. I'm knocked up now but spent many years suffering infertility, as opposed to being childfree, so I totally know what the pity and syrupiness is about... let alone how you can spent hours talking about others kids while your childless/childfree lifestyle gets dismissed as frivalous and you get told you don't know anything cause you don't have kids.

However, I've only known about two women & two couples who are truly childfree by choice. But I can name about six or seven women & even more men who spent years saying they never wanted kids... of course they are all fully sprogged now. I suspect some of them, particularly the ladies said they didn't want kids cause they perceived that as 'cool' at the time, or maybe it just didn't hit them later... so I can see where these nosey, doubting types are coming from... sorry, that's just what I've observed, time and time again, so I tend to take it with a pinch of salt until the person is over thirty five and it really is decision time. Of course I would be too respectful to say anything.

What I wish is that society would place more value on a childfree life. Nowadays society owes the childfree a debt (fact). In the biggest sense, they child free are contributing far more than they take (by not producing more excess consumers but still working, generating wealth, looking after the young and old via taxes etc.)

Jack B. Badd

username123 wrote: »

I once worked with a guy, same age as me, who couldnt fathom why I would not want children (he and his wife, at her request, had embarked on massively stressful and expensive fertility treatments to have children).
He would regularly patronise me with:
"You see Username, what happens to a woman is this, one day she wakes up, and she just wants a baby, and nothing can change her mind, nothing, she wont be happy until she has one. It will happen to you one of these days. I know youre just having a laugh when you say you dont want children to wind me up for all the trouble I had to go through for my wife to get pregnant."

I mean seriously - is this what a person actually thought - scarily, yes.

This attitude is quite insulting imo (and tends to primarily insult women) because it implies the inability to make a rational decision & maintain it. I'm not going going to be overtaken by my hormones / a parasite / aliens & suddenly lose the ability to think for myself, thank you...!

Ickle Magoo

OP, the response has been unanimous - which I trust answers your original question. As the thread is now turning into a discussion or debate better suited for another forum, I'm locking the thread.

All the very best.