friend going round and round in circles

sporina

Ok, I will try to keep this brief. My best mate is a guy and I have known him for 10 years. We have shared some really great times and some very hard times - the usual best friend stuff. But most of all, we could just talk crap for hours. We enjoy the same stuff and have great craic.
But, he started going out with this girl about 9 months ago and since then, I have not really seen my best mate - though we have meet up lots.

ok, he did not want her to be his girl friend - but she wanted to be his so they became a couple officially after some pressure from her.
He was never happy about this but he does like her (though not romantically, apparently) and they do get along. But I think he is afraid that he will end up alone and so wants to make it work.

Now we only get to meet up about once a month for the weekend. We live about 200km from one another. Since they started going out, every time we meet up, alll we talk about is him, and how unhappy he is and how everything she does annoys him etc. Like a good friend I listened and tried to advise him best I could - how he is better go with his heart etc.
I had both of them stay with me for a weekend in September and OMG - such a weekend. They had a massive fight and I spent the weekend trying to get them to make the most of the weekend. But basically, the way i saw it was that everything she said grated on his nerves. Turns out he did not want her there at all. She is a nice girl, but I could see how he was not into her.

I was sure they would break up after that. But no. She is mad about him.
So anyway him and i meet again in October and all he does is moan about her. I have advised him to end it, whether that was right or wrong of me.
He told her after xmas that he did not love her and probably never would. She said that she was ok with that. They proceeded to have a massive row days later as she was smothering him. They took a break for a week but are not back together.

All I want is for him to be happy. But also, I miss my friend - the friend i hung out with before he started this relationship. When ever we meet, alll we talk about is how miserable he is in his relationship. I am close to loosing it with him. 1. Because, he is clearly miserable and its been so long since I have seen the old person who I am best mates with and 2. Because I feel like a broken record and we only get to hang out about once a month for a weekend but all we do is talk the same dribble about his failing relationship all the time that we have together.

I am starting to get annoyed. Really annoyed. We are arranging another trip away (we do this every summer) but I feel like saying to him "tbh, unless you make a decision about her, I do not see any point us going anywer as all you will do is moan about her". But is that selfish of me? One part of me thinks it is but the other part of me thinks, what is the point of traveling abroad only to have him with his head in the clouds and giving out about how unhappy he is with her etc. Last year we went to a really cool place for 4 days but we may as well have stayed at home as all he did was whinge about her.
This I know is all because he is 37 and is scared of being alone and he feels that she is the only one who will ever like him etc (been years since he as dated anyone).
What do you guys think?

Stavro Mueller

I think you should stay out of this. This relationship involves two people. Your friend and his girlfriend. He is choosing to stay with her. End of.

Missy Moo Moo

OP, sorry to ask this, but is there a chance you might have feelings for your friend?

Anyway, I think a friendship should be a two way street, if every time you're meeting up, hes moaning about her and not asking how you are, then you need to call him on it. Tell him you're happy to be there for him as a friend but there are times when you could use a friend and he no longer takes an interest in whats going on in your life.

Tell him you're going on this trip to have fun, not to listen to him moan about her all weekend. I wouldn't issue any ultimatums that the trips off if he doesn't dump her, but make it clear that you can't keep repeating the same advice time and time again.

newuser30

Missy Moo Moo wrote: »

OP, sorry to ask this, but is there a chance you might have feelings for your friend?

eh what? he's his best friend where would you get that from?
I know how frustrating it is when a friend is in an awful relationship, but no matter what you say you can never make someone break up with someone, it has to be a decision totally and completely from them. He is in it for his own reasons, and while the whole thing grates on you it really isn't your problem or issue. All you can do if you are going away is say to him very frankly: please can you not complain about your girlfriend the whole time I feel like I can't help you with it when you won't break up with her? You don't have to be as black and white as the way you said in your post, that unless he breaks up with her you won't go??! Just ask him to maybe not moan about it so much because its uncomfortable for you but are really looking forward to the trip away

blatantrereg

Tell him to quit it. It's pretty inappropriate for him to be going on to you about stuff that - as someone else piointed out - should be just between the two of them.

It's more inappropriate again when he's confiding all this in another woman. And goign on how he doesn't really like her in the way he ought to. Really crappy behaviour on his part.

Tell him to leave you out of it. Not selfish at all. He's the one being selfish - and pretty odd tbh.

I am a friend

God he is such a wimp!! Tell him to **** or get off the pot with regards her. It's so selfish that he is using her like this when he is clearly unhappy. Dunno what she is at either but that's not our problem here...

You need to make it clear to him that he has, due to having no spine, become a bore and to either treat the girl well and get on with it or move on and quit wasting her time.

Missy Moo Moo

newuser30 wrote: »

Missy Moo Moo wrote: »

OP, sorry to ask this, but is there a chance you might have feelings for your friend?

eh what? he's his best friend where would you get that from?

I guessed that the OP is female, it was just a question and not beyond the realms of possibility. Apologies in advance OP if I caused any offence.

sporina

thanks everyone for taking the time to read this - and for the replies.

first of all - I am a girl - but we are friends - platonic 100%.
@moo moo - I know its an obvious question but no, I have no romantic feelings for my mate what so ever.

To all - I did not mean to be so black and white in my initial post - I would not give him an ultimatum; I know if would be counter productive. I was just fed up when I wrote the initial post.

@sunflower - you know there is a part of him likes drama. But also, I think there is a part of him that likes misery - and perhaps that is why he goes on about it soo much.

And for other's who said that his behaviour is mean towards his girlfriend - which of course, is not my concern but you are so right. I am also a little mad about this. I think it is very mean of him to keep going out with her when he is not into her, just so that he was be in a relationship in theory - because I think that is what he likes about it. To be able to say and think "i have a girlfriend". As for her, she obviously has no self respect or esteem if she is happy to stay in a relationship like this. It is very sad really, for both of them.
@newuser - this is MY problem. If you reread my initial post, all our precious time together is spent with him moaning about her. Its allll about how miserable he is. I try to be a friend but its really hard when you have to listen to the same crap over and over and over again and then for me to repeat things over and over again and be careful not to insult him or his girlfriend but to give him honesty advise too. Its tiring. And yes, its all about him - his head is up his behind.

I have put my cards on the table before about making a decision and not to spend all our time talking about it and not spend any more of his time being miserable about it and his response has been "fine then, I won't mention anything about it anymore!". But then he will huff like a child. So there is no use in that as you know its on his mind. Maybe we are too close - and he feels that he can be totally open with me. And that is great - but I guess there is a fine line and he cannot see it.
I know he is being very immature about all this - but thats just it - since this relationship, I have not seen my old mate - he is totally consumed by it.
But I think when he is at home he is lonely - so she is better than nothing.
Oh I don't know - next time I see him I guess if needs be, I will have the conversation but in a very tactile manner. That is all I can do.
At least I know that I am not being selfish - sometimes you cannot do right by people - no matter how much you try.

Big Bag of Chips

Well what are YOU getting out of the friendship since he started going our with her?

Not a lot it would seem. I'm all for "being there" for friends, but when you get nothing at all back, its hard to remain there.

Tell him to stop going on about her. Make a deal at the start 15 mins of moaning, and then onto enjoying yourselves.

If he huffs and sulks, just call it a night. Hanging around with him isn't much fun for you at the moment... so the only way you can let him know you're really sick of it, is by refusing to take part in it.

He'll get over himself soon enough. And if he doesn't... well... you have to decide if you still want to be around him.

newuser30

OP i meant its his problem as in its his bad relationship not yours. He is the only one who can do anything about it. He shouldnt be burdening you constantly with his problem that he wont do anything about. I know that in itself is a problem for you and therefore completely unfair of him. If you've already been very blunt with him that you cannot sort out his relationship (how could you) then maybe try upping his self esteem and confidence a bit so he will end it by saying there are alot of single women in their 30s who would love to meet guys his age, which there is, if you are sure that's the only reason he staying in it.

sporina

newuser30 wrote: »

OP i meant its his problem as in its his bad relationship not yours. He is the only one who can do anything about it. He shouldnt be burdening you constantly with his problem that he wont do anything about. I know that in itself is a problem for you and therefore completely unfair of him. If you've already been very blunt with him that you cannot sort out his relationship (how could you) then maybe try upping his self esteem and confidence a bit so he will end it by saying there are alot of single women in their 30s who would love to meet guys his age, which there is, if you are sure that's the only reason he staying in it.

building up his self esteem would be the key but i am afraid i am not trained to do that. He actually needs professional help. There are other areas of his life where he finds is difficult to make changes and decisions. I have suggested he consider looking for a therapist but he just shrugs it off saying "nah, i am the way i am etc".
Thing is, he is a totally sound guy - but seems to be the type of guy, girls want to be friends with as oppose to go out with.

And yeah, I am sure he is going out with her so he won't be lonely. He has told me that and I kinda believe him cos I have seen him with her and he not comfortable with her at all, in a romantic way. And he has never anything good to say about her. But they do get on - I know he likes her as a friend. Thats for sure.

@bigbagofchips - the 15 minute window - not a bad idea - I think thats worth a shot. That is of course should there be an issue next time we meet/talk.