Girlfriend and travel.

somefeen

Hi this has been eating at me for a while and I'm completely stumped about the whole thing now.
I should really post anonymously but meh.

I'll try make it as simple as I can.
I met my girlfriend in the UK, we're both early twenties. We've been living together for a year almost and together almost two years.
She is from the UK and I'm Irish.
Where we live is not where she is from.
I've been dying to bring her over to Ireland for the last two years and it never seems to happen. She has never been outside a particularly small part of the UK (Wales to be precise) so I understand its a big deal for her. She has been trying to get her passport sorted out for the last two years but she never gets round to it.
Everytime she goes back to her parents house for a visit or for Christmas she says she's going to do it but she never does. Even though shes been back for weeks now she still hasn't even gotten the forms. Now she says it'll have to be signed by here counter-singing person (?) after she comes back to Bangor for College. The last time she did this she was relying on her mother to get it signed for her by someone who the family know well.
Her mother never did it and when she asked her about getting it done she (my girfriend) and her mother had a big argument.
Now it looks like the same thing is going to happen again. She keeps finding some reason not to go out and get the forms. She said she'd go down the street for them when she was getting her hair cut, she's getting her hair cut tomorrow (saturday) and the post office wont be open. She was going to go during the week but none of her family were in and she doesnt have a key anymore. But surely she could have asked someone for a lend of a key and made sure she was in when they were due home.

I really want her to come over. My parents have never met her once in the entire time we've been together. AFAIK you dont even need a passport to travel between the UK and Ireland I usually get the ferry over and back and have never been asked to show it. But its just getting ridicoulous now.
Even last summer when I tried to make plans for her to come over she started panicking saying to many people were wanting her to do stuff over the summer. Specifically her parents who wanted her to go and stay with them at her grandads house for a month (which they do every year without fail).
But I was suggesting to her coming over in June when all her family would be working or in school.

I know this all sounds like a very trivial matter but its a huge deal for me. Surely if she loves me she wants to see where I grew up and get a glimpse into my world. I mean even when your in primary school when you make a new friend you bring them round to your house. I know if she was from Azerbaijan or some mad place I'd of been over in a shot.
Its really making me consider ending the whole relationship, because I have told her before how much it would mean to me. And it does it means alot to me. Which probably makes me insane.
I've met her parents loads of times when they've called round to our place and I've been over to theirs.

She knows this is a big deal for me but I'm still poking and prodding her to do it.

Any advice is really appreciated.

Ickle Magoo

You don't need a passport - you just need photographic ID.

Have you asked her why she doesn't want to meet your family or see where you are from? If she is panicking at the thought then I imagine there must be a reason behind that...I don't think there is any point poking and prodding or making demands - or telling yourself if she loved you she'd do X, Y or Z.

You do need to sit her down and spell out how you feel, why and how much it bothers you and ask for some dialogue on why it is such an issue or such one-sidedness is going to kill your relationship.

All the best OP.

Reesy

Hi,

She does need a passport to travel with e.g. Ryanair, but not for the ferry. You can apply online for a UK passport http://www.direct.gov.uk/en/Diol1/DoItOnline/DG_4018268 but I fear the issue is different - she's making excuses for not coming to Ireland. What's really going on for her? I've no idea but she owes you an answer. If she has a driving licence or other ID (I dunno what exactly) you can get the boat.

Sounds to me like she's not ready to make that step. Stop focussing on the small details (house key) and ask her the big question (does she want to meet your folks? Why is she making obstacles?).

Good luck.

Dermighty

Two years...sounds like she doesn't want to make it happen.

R.D. aka MR.D

I agree with everyone else. You just need to ask her and see if she will give you a straight answer. Don't let her fob you off with silly explanations.

One thing I would ask is this: Is she afraid of flying or/and boats? Maybe she has some phobia or something? in which case you could encourage her to get some counselling.

I hope you work it out. And I don't think you are being unreasonable having an issue with this. An ex of mine used to really drag his heels to come see my family, he was from Dublin and I'm from Donegal. But that was just laziness!

baby and crumble

I find it a bit bizarre that anyone who is of university age doesn't have a passport, and therefore hasn't traveled outside their own country. Sounds to me like she might have some kind of phobia about it, rather than it just being about you, OP. (Not to be harsh). I think you need to sit down and have a proper talk. You definitely don't need a passport to travel to Ireland unless you're flying with Ryanair- her student ID would do fine for either Aer Lingus or the boat. AFAIK you could also fly to Belfast if she's a UK citizen without a passport, and then get the train down if it's a flying thing.

somefeen

I tried to have a chat with her the other night about it (not easy while we're both in different countries) but I was eager to get to the bottom of it. I asked her if she was afraid, she said no and I asked if it was a step to far and she said no.
I mentioned how it made me feel. She seemed a bit upset that she had hurt my feelings, but then started saying that she might need to get a job this summer as she was starting to struggle with money because now her younger sister wants to go to college aswell.
She then said that I'm stressing her out by constantly asking her about it. So I said fine I wont mention it again.

This happened last summer to. At the point where she clearly wasn't going to be getting a job or doing anything with her family for another month. I brought up the subject and tried to arrange a date. She got stressed out and went out for a walk (IRC).
When I talked to her afterwards she said it was because to many people were asking her to do stuff for the summer.

So long story short, I tried talking to her and basically got the same sceil as last time.
I don't even know if I'm that bothered about her coming anymore. Wheres the fun in it if I feel shes just doing it to appease me.

I keep thinking about seeing what happens and I'm getting worried that if she doesn't come this summer it might be curtains for the relationship But I dont wanna mention THAT because then it will be like a threat.
I know that probably makes me an asshole but ho-hum

matrim

If it's this hard to get her to just head to Ireland to meet your family, which is obviously important to you. How hard is it going to be to go on any kind of foreign holiday in the future.

I love to travel and if my GF was acting like yours I'd be asking if we were compatible. Now it obviously depends on how important you consider that kind of thing but it's worth thinking about.

ANXIOUS

Tell her your parents are coming over to see you. Then judging by her reaction you'll know if the problem is your parents or traveling.

baby and crumble

somefeen wrote: »

I mentioned how it made me feel. She seemed a bit upset that she had hurt my feelings, but then started saying that she might need to get a job this summer as she was starting to struggle with money because now her younger sister wants to go to college aswell.

...

This happened last summer to. At the point where she clearly wasn't going to be getting a job or doing anything with her family for another month. I brought up the subject and tried to arrange a date. She got stressed out and went out for a walk (IRC).

When I talked to her afterwards she said it was because to many people were asking her to do stuff for the summer.

OP, I think something very weird is happening here. It's a trip across to Ireland, it's not like it's Aus where you'd need to budget a month to get a decent time there after all the travelling, it's max a weekend. So the time excuse isn't up to much, it's not like you never get 2 days off in a row in a job, nor would be unreasonable to ask for an extra day on one if you really wanted.

somefeen

There is something weird happening.

Like ANXIOUS suggested, I did mention my parents might be coming over in April for a visit and staying with us. Its during a two week period that we both have off so she said she'll try and be there when they come.

I really don't know what to think. She's never really been the type to take the bull by the horns tbh. I'm starting to think her reason for not coming to Ireland is because it requires an actual decision and action from her. Whereas if my parents come over it means meeting them required no decision or action on her part.

greenprincess

This sounds really strange like really stange! I would be upset to its almost like she isnt bothered about finding out about you

LegacyUser

somefeen wrote: »

There is something weird happening.

Like ANXIOUS suggested, I did mention my parents might be coming over in April for a visit and staying with us. Its during a two week period that we both have off so she said she'll try and be there when they come.

I really don't know what to think. She's never really been the type to take the bull by the horns tbh. I'm starting to think her reason for not coming to Ireland is because it requires an actual decision and action from her. Whereas if my parents come over it means meeting them required no decision or action on her part.

This sounds worse than her not making a decision - she says that she'll 'try' to be there if your folks come over??? I can't figure out what logic is in her head at all. The only things that I can think of are a) she is so incredibly selfish that she can only view her actions in terms of how they affect her, and her alone, or b) she doesn't care enough about you to make the slighest bit of effort. Unless I'm missing some rather large migitating factor, there just doesn't seem to be a good outcome for you OP. i genuinely think that you should get out of this relationship, as it really doesn't sound as though she values you at all.

Brewie

Blank

LegacyUser

Nobody has really mentioned what I thought was obvious about the post from the start: is she afraid of meeting your parents/family? Are you her first serious boyfriend? It could be the case that she is really nervous about meeting your family and being out of her comfort zone (especially taking into account the fact that she's never left Wales).

Maybe she feels that it'll be awkward, she won't have her safety net to fall back on in a place she's not familiar with. Let's face it, meeting your other half's family for the first time is a bit of a nerve-wracking experience (it was for me, anyway!) even if your parents do come over to you. And maybe she doesn't want to say as much to you, because she's embarrassed to admit she's nervous about meeting your parents?