One night stand - what to do

anonuserfornow

Deleted by poster

LegacyUser

What we don't know can't hurt us.

You regret what you did. Deal with it and move on.

Don't get drunk again - simple as.

Imhof Tank

anonuserfornow wrote: »

No one knows about this and I know the other guy would never ever tell anyone.

Well, you are answering your own question there.

And btw please dont be influenced by any one who posts on here making out that you are the victim etc and you should report the other party - you said it yourself, you were ridiculously drunk. I am not having a go at you OP, just dont start shifting the responsibility. I think you know that anyway yourself from the tone of your post.

Good luck.

daithieoghan

"This guy is an idiot, I kept telling him to stop but he wouldn't, he was drunk but nothing as bad as I was"


Hmmm... This is may a bigger problem

LegacyUser

anonuserfornow wrote: »

P.S: No one knows about this and I know the other guy would never ever tell anyone.

Why would he? He raped you!

Now it's up to you whether you want to press charges or not but that's beside the point at the moment because it seems your main worry is your husband.

I think you'd be better off being honest with your husband. You fooled around with a few drinks on you, and things got out of hand (even before that guy forced himself upon you). I would suggest that you tell your husband everything, apologise til the cows come home, and then see what your husband has to say about the whole thing. You need to be honest with him, even if he decides it's over. He deserves to hear the truth.

If things work out between you, then I would suggest laying off the drink for a while* because this is why you fooled around in the first place. This would show your husband how seriously you take your marriage.



*this does not mean that you are at fault for that guy raping you. You said no several times, and he ignored you. I really would think about dealing with this via counselling or whatever way you see fit (if it starts to upset you)

sbsquarepants

anonuserfornow wrote: »

This guy is an idiot, I kept telling him to stop but he wouldn't, he was drunk but nothing as bad as I was. .

There's a word for that you know.
I honestly don't know what you should do, or how you should proceed, but if you honestly did tell him to stop and he didn't........well you don't need me to point out what that is.
It's a tough one, but to be honest you should be angry, you shouldn't be ashamed. Most of us get drunk from time to time. It doesn't give anybody the right to touch you. The guy sounds like a sleaze and a scumbag it's him that should be ashamed.
If i was your husband i'd want to know, it probably wouldn't be pretty from that point on, but i'd still want to know.
That's all i can say to you apart from i'm really sorry to hear your story and on a practical level, you really should get yourself checked for stds etc.
Take care and best of luck

sbsquarepants

Imhof Tank wrote: »

Well, you are answering your own question there.

And btw please dont be influenced by any one who posts on here making out that you are the victim etc and you should report the other party - you said it yourself, you were ridiculously drunk. I am not having a go at you OP, just dont start shifting the responsibility. I think you know that anyway yourself from the tone of your post.

Good luck.

You must be a judge:rolleyes:

Imhof Tank

daithieoghan wrote: »

This guy is an idiot, I kept telling him to stop but he wouldn't, he was drunk but nothing as bad as I was. I know its no excuse ..................

fyp

anonuserfornow

Thanks everyone, I'm not trying to shift blame but all I was saying is that I tried to stop him and he wouldn't.

daithieoghan, I don't think I can do anything about this. If I never again see him it would be too soon :mad:

I'm just finding it very hard to deal with, I know I should feel like this cause its my punishment but can anyone advice on how I can sort this out in my own head?

Virgil°

anonuserfornow wrote: »

P.S: No one knows about this and I know the other guy would never ever tell anyone.

This would only be relevant if you've already made up your mind that you wont tell your husband(and it looks like you have). I don't think you can rely on this so called "idiot" to keep your secret, not mentioning that the entire thing kicked off at a party in front of plenty of people I assume? For all you know he's bragging to his mates about it right now.
I think that chances of him telling someone FAR exceed the chances of him not.
That's just my experience of these situations. Rarely do they stay a secret forever. You say it would destroy your husband to hear the bad news? Imagine some acquaintance tells him? He then finds out that not only have you been unfaithful but you didn't have a modicum of respect for him and instead decided to lie about it.
One thing that caught my eye in your post though. You say you refused this guys advances? Did you actually ever consent?(You don't mention) If you didn't consent then its a possibility this guy actually raped you.

If you did consent then drink is no excuse. I've been drunk and in relationships plenty, the thought of cheating just never crossed my mind. Drinking only lessens your inhibitions IME. So something that you would never consider doing sober doesn't somehow just happen when you're drunk. You'd have to want it anyway. That's just my opinion though.

I think you should tell your husband. Chances are this is coming back to you anyway.

Imhof Tank

sbsquarepants wrote: »

you shouldn't be ashamed. Most of us get drunk from time to time.

Some might say "speak for yourself" to that.

She wasnt just drunk she was locked. I think she made a huge mistake and she knows it herself. She isnt looking to make excuses for herself, she just wants advice on whether to talk to her husband.

sbsquarepants

anonuserfornow wrote: »

Thanks everyone, I'm not trying to shift blame but all I was saying is that I tried to stop him and he wouldn't.

daithieoghan, I don't think I can do anything about this. If I never again see him it would be too soon :mad:

I'm just finding it very hard to deal with, I know I should feel like this cause its my punishment but can anyone advice on how I can sort this out in my own head?

I'm a little bit confused here.
You either told him to stop or you didn't, which is it?
If you tried to stop him and he wouldn't stop - that's rape whether you were drunk or not and fúck anybody who says different.
Even if you got yourself into a compromising situation or were flirting or kissing or whatever. You aren't under an obligation to have sex with someone just becaused you kissed them or got into a bed with them, you can say stop at any time.

sbsquarepants

Imhof Tank wrote: »

Some might say "speak for yourself" to that.

She wasnt just drunk she was locked. I think she made a huge mistake and she knows it herself. She isnt looking to make excuses for herself, she just wants advice on whether to talk to her husband.

I'm not speaking for myself, it's a stone cold fact. More people get drunk occasionally, than don't.

Imhof Tank

sbsquarepants wrote: »

I'm not speaking for myself, it's a stone cold fact. More people get drunk occasionally, than don't.

Most of us is what you said

anonuserfornow

Virgil° wrote: »

This would only be relevant if you've already made up your mind that you wont tell your husband(and it looks like you have). I don't think you can rely on this so called "idiot" to keep your secret, not mentioning that the entire thing kicked off at a party in front of plenty of people I assume? For all you know he's bragging to his mates about it right now.
I think that chances of him telling someone FAR exceed the chances of him not.
That's just my experience of these situations. Rarely do they stay a secret forever. You say it would destroy your husband to hear the bad news? Imagine some acquaintance tells him? He then finds out that not only have you been unfaithful but you didn't have a modicum of respect for him and instead decided to lie about it.
One thing that caught my eye in your post though. You say you refused this guys advances? Did you actually ever consent?(You don't mention) If you didn't consent then its a possibility this guy actually raped you.

If you did consent then drink is no excuse. I've been drunk and in relationships plenty, the thought of cheating just never crossed my mind. Drinking only lessens your inhibitions IME. So something that you would never consider doing sober doesn't somehow just happen when you're drunk. You'd have to want it anyway. That's just my opinion though.

I think you should tell your husband. Chances are this is coming back to you anyway.

He definitely wont tell anyone, we have loads of mutual friends and if he did it would cause huge issues for him, I know that he will never tell anyone. Everyone was gone so that isn't an issue.

I did consent and it wasn't rape, what I meant was when I realized how stupid I was being I did ask him to stop.

I can honestly say that this will never ever again happen and I really feel that I can't throw my marriage away for a stupid mistake like this that I can hardly remember.

sbsquarepants

Imhof Tank wrote: »

Most of us is what you said

That's right.
Majority = most. What's the problem?

LegacyUser

Imhof Tank wrote: »

She isnt looking to make excuses for herself, she just wants advice on whether to talk to her husband.

So why did you tell the OP to 'not shift the blame' in your very first post?

Imhof Tank

sbsquarepants wrote: »

That's right.
Majority = most. What's the problem?

Problem is you are seeking to excuse the OP and protray her as a victim by suggesting that "most" people get into the situation she was in from time to time. She isnt making an issue of it so why are you?

And I wouldnt be too sure of your cold hard fact either - maybe a majority of college kids for example binge drink. I wouldnt project that onto the general population.

sbsquarepants

anonuserfornow wrote: »

I did consent and it wasn't rape, what I meant was when I realized how stupid I was being I did ask him to stop.
.

Well that's a slightly different issue then.
Basically you'll have to live with the guilt one way or the other, so there isn't a lot of merit in saddling your husband with the details, i can't see any merit anyway.
I also think when it all calms down a bit and you can think a bit more clearly, you should really question whether you do actually want to be with your husband. Only you know can really answer that one.

Wompa1

anonuserfornow wrote: »

He definitely wont tell anyone, we have loads of mutual friends and if he did it would cause huge issues for him, I know that he will never tell anyone. Everyone was gone so that isn't an issue.

I did consent and it wasn't rape, what I meant was when I realized how stupid I was being I did ask him to stop.

I can honestly say that this will never ever again happen and I really feel that I can't throw my marriage away for a stupid mistake like this that I can hardly remember.

Was it a mistake? You asked him to stop so you got to the point where you thought it wasn't worth it? The way I'd read that is part of you wanted to do it and to hell with the consequences, so how much do you love your husband and respect him? If you aren't going to tell him then you don't have all that much respect for him.

To be honest, I think you need to tell your husband and let him decide. He has the right to know. The relationship will be based on a lie from here on out and if you do ever do it again or he does find out then this guy will have invested even more of himself into a relationship he should have got out of.

If genuinely no part of you wanted sex with the other guy then I would think that's rape. Consent or not, you would have been too drunk to give consent. But I wouldn't pursue that because I'm not sure that is 100% true for this case as I didn't see you when drunk. Maybe you should address your drinking problem if it's caused so much trouble.

Virgil°

anonuserfornow wrote: »

I can honestly say that this will never ever again happen and I really feel that I can't throw my marriage away for a stupid mistake like this that I can hardly remember.

All I can say then is that this isn't your choice to throw the marriage away or not. It's your husbands choice. By not telling him you are denying him that choice.
Whether you can hardly remember is not the issue. You KNOW it happened. You will always know it happened. If you choose not to tell your husband(a choice which I think you've already made by the way) your marriage for all its worth will essentially be built on a lie from here on out.
I think you know that your husband deserves better than that. You keep going on about how much it would hurt your husband and how you'll never make a mistake like this again. I'm sorry but all I see is an unfaithful wife trying to hold on to what she wants and ease her own conscience in the process, never is what your husband might want considered. Maybe your husband will forgive you? Who knows. Now is the time though, if you hold on to this and it comes back to you later you WILL lose your husband. 100%

sbsquarepants

Imhof Tank wrote: »

Problem is you are seeking to excuse the OP and protray her as a victim by suggesting that "most" people get into the situation she was in from time to time. She isnt making an issue of it so why are you?

And I wouldnt be too sure of your cold hard fact either - maybe a majority of college kids for example binge drink. I wouldnt project that onto the general population.

I was excusing the op on the basis that she said she asked him to stop and he didn't. It would not be in any way unusual for a victim of rape to feel ashamed and responsible, it doesn't mean they are.

However she's now cleared that up and i see it's not an issue.

There's no point derailing the thread into a discussion on drunkeness, but i'm happy with accuracy of what i said, if you doubt it, that's fine but now's not the time to argue it.

Imhof Tank

sbsquarepants wrote: »

I was excusing the op on the basis that she said she asked him to stop and he didn't. It would not be in any way unusual for a victim of rape to feel ashamed and responsible, it doesn't mean they are.

However she's now cleared that up and i see it's not an issue.

There's no point derailing the thread into a discussion on drunkeness, but i'm happy with accuracy of what i said, if you doubt it, that's fine but now's not the time to argue it.

OK fine, I agree.

But at the same time, this thread is not entirely unrelated to the issue of alcohol abuse in society generally; what is and what is not acceptable behaviour; taking personal responsibility etc, etc.

Wompa1

Imhof Tank wrote: »

OK fine, I agree.

But at the same time, this thread is not entirely unrelated to the issue of alcohol abuse in society generally; what is and what is not acceptable behaviour; taking personal responsibility etc, etc.

I'd agree. If it's true that she didn't want to and wouldn't have if she hadn't been drunk. Not saying she's an alcoholic but she might have a drink problem.

sbsquarepants

Imhof Tank - I actually agree with you fully. People do use alcohol as an excuse for their behaviour way too much in this country.
This is really a simple case of an unfaithfull wife who now regrets her actions, however at first reading i thought it had a much more sinister slant to it. The only real victim here is the husband.
Sorry if that sounds blunt OP but it's the truth.
That been said i still see little or no merit in telling him. You made a mistake and the consequences are going to be tough for you, there's no reason why you should also make them tough for him.
Provided of course, that it was a mistake and not one that you're going to repeat over and over.

dudara

Enough - OP has deleted her post

dudara