Ex texting me, what should I do?

mike0c

Hi,

Last week my girlfriend of 6 years and I broke up. I'm 27 and she's 26. It was her that initiated the break up, she wanted a break to be herself and not be answerable to anyone which I understand. We were going out for a very long time so it's understandable. I tried to convince her that she might have been making a mistake but she seem pretty adamant that it was what she needed and there was absolutely no talking her out of it, she was 100% committed to breaking up. It was all sparked off by a disagreement we had that she was pretty angry about.

Then two days later she text me wondering if I'd "like to meet up for lunch?" I didn't respond because in my mind I had nothing to say, she then text "hope you are ok?" "How are you?" "Why am I ignoring her?". I didn't respond to any of these either. It's not that I want to be childish but what is there to say? I'm not going to concede again that it was her that wanted this and that I wanted to stay with her. So why is she playing this game? What could she possibly want me to say? It's upsetting because ut's all very new to me still. Any ideas would be appreciated.

IrishEyes19

To be honest, OP, I think you are being childish for a number of reasons. First you have been with this girl for a long time, dont you owe each other some amount of respect to respond kindly. Secondly, you say you understand why she wanted to split and its understandable since you were together so long, so why not be amiable and reply to her, even if you dont want to meet up. Explain your reasons. I dont understand why you wouldnt grant her that.

So what if you have nothing to say? She is most likely texting to see if your ok because she cares, 6 years is no mean feat. Or perhaps she wants to discuss things with you. To be honest, she seems decent, OP, if she was trying to be a headwreck or wanted the relationship status back, a drunken text would have happened. that isnt the case.

I think your annoyed because she ended it and you didnt want that. and you feel whats there to say now, and maybe even give her a taste of her own medicine. but if you really liked your gf, I think do the right thing and at least reply. Whether or not you choose to meet up is up to you

mike0c

I agree that it may come across as childish. It definitely was not meant that way. I probably should have included that she wanted a few weeks of no contact. Then two days later she started sending me these emails. My thought was either she has realised she made a mistake in the heat of her anger and now wants to talk it out or else she or else she was just feeling lonely and wanted me to chase her a bit more, hence my non response.

I don't fully understand the drunken text bit? I don't know if it's a good idea meeting up, I'd love to but it'd just bring back sad feelings, I don't see hwat there is to gain from it

Thanks for the response, it's opened my eyes up to a different perspective.

Gyalist

Your situation isn't unusual. It often happens that the initiator of the breakup tries to keep in contact in an effort to relieve the guilt that they feel for being the one to end the relationship. It doesn't necessarily mean that she wasnts to get back together, just that she wants to feel that you didn't end on bad terms. While the argument might have been the final straw, I'd bet that it was brewing for a while.

However, it's not your responsibility to help her to feel better about her decision. Staying in contact will actually hinder you in being able to get over the relationship and move on. It's too soon to try to be friends as emotions are still too raw.

If I were in your position I'd write her a brief note (don't mention any of her previous texts) saying that it would be best for both parties if there was a period of no contact. Go out with your friends and rebuild your social circle and have a good time. If after 6 months or so you still feel like it, drop her a quick "How are you?" text.

As it is she controls the relationship (breaking up with you then offering you scraps of contact) and doing what I outlined above resets it to a sort of parity.

Beruthiel

Gyalist wrote: »

If I were in your position I'd write her a brief note (don't mention any of her previous texts) saying that it would be best for both parties if there was a period of no contact. Go out with your friends and rebuild your social circle and have a good time. If after 6 months or so you still feel like it, drop her a quick "How are you?" text.

Totally spot on. Do all of the above OP.

At this point, your emotions are raw and you are probably upset. Constant contact will not help. It will prolong the pain.
The only way to get over this is to move on and you cannot do that if she is constantly getting in touch with you.
Don't be afraid to tell her that.
Best of luck.

amdublin

Beruthiel wrote: »

Gyalist wrote: »

If I were in your position I'd write her a brief note (don't mention any of her previous texts) saying that it would be best for both parties if there was a period of no contact. Go out with your friends and rebuild your social circle and have a good time. If after 6 months or so you still feel like it, drop her a quick "How are you?" text.

Totally spot on. Do all of the above OP.

At this point, your emotions are raw and you are probably upset. Constant contact will not help. It will prolong the pain.
The only way to get over this is to move on and you cannot do that if she is constantly getting in touch with you.
Don't be afraid to tell her that.
Best of luck.

I completely agree. Contact is not going to help either of you at this stage.

Good luck.

Miss Fluff

IrishEyes19 wrote: »

To be honest, OP, I think you are being childish for a number of reasons.

I think that's a bit harsh Irish Eyes. A lot of people when they break up with someone want the security and comfort of having the other person in their lives while easing their own conscience. It's ultimately selfish. This relationship does sound like it has run its course so keeping in touch and acting like best buds/meeting for lunch is a futile exercise. The dumper will benefit from the friendship while it will instill false hope in the dumpee who is then rejected a SECOND time when they realise the other person has actuallu moved on.

OP drop her a note like Gyalist recommends and just say you'd like to be left alone to get on with things from now and wish her well in the future.

mike0c

Thanks for all the honest advice. I have taken you up on this and wrote her a short sms just saying that I am not mad and that I need time to do my own thing.

I wish we could have worked things out but also I realise I did everything I could to make it work. It ended over something small that she got very angry about but as Gyalist said, it may have been coming for awhile.

Again, thank you for the responses

IrishEyes19

Miss Fluff wrote: »

I think that's a bit harsh Irish Eyes. A lot of people when they break up with someone want the security and comfort of having the other person in their lives while easing their own conscience. It's ultimately selfish. This relationship does sound like it has run its course so keeping in touch and acting like best buds/meeting for lunch is a futile exercise. The dumper will benefit from the friendship while it will instill false hope in the dumpee who is then rejected a SECOND time when they realise the other person has actuallu moved on.

OP drop her a note like Gyalist recommends and just say you'd like to be left alone to get on with things from now and wish her well in the future.

I wasnt being harsh, Miss fluff, I never said he had to meet up wth her. I just believe replying to her especially since he said he didnt want the relationship to end would be polite. I never said, meet up. He could tell her, not to contact him right now, he needs time. You took my words out of context. Im fully aware how it feels to break up with someone on both sides of the coin, so of course I understand the emotions involved. But going down the civil route is always the best outcome. And as I said, I never said anything about being best buds........only to reply however he sees fit.