Would this be acceptable or would it annoy people?

slowmoe

Hi everyone,

I'm helping to plan my sisters wedding and something cropped up so i thought boards would be the best place for ideas. Basically my sister lives in and is from Dublin, her fiancee is from Wexford. She has fallen in love with a venue in Waterford for the reception but we know its generally the done thing to have the wedding where the bride is from as opposed to the groom. Its twenty mins from the grooms home but 2 1/2 hours from her home. OBviously she would have to find a church there and not have people attending dublin for a ceremony then driving to waterford for their dinner

So we thought that she can do one of two things, the usual find somewhere closeish to dublin, invite people with a few plus ones OR book her fairytale place and in lieu of plus ones offer them a room overnight at the hotel? The hotel has a number of self catering lodges that they have offered at a reasonable price, so it would work out around the same to provide accomodation in lieu of plus ones. We also thought that perhaps this could be a handier option as it could make the wedding cheaper for guests to attend, as they won't have to pay for their own accomodation.

Do you think some people could be insulted by this or is it just an absolutely ridiculous idea? Her fiancee and her are planning a bbq the next day as something a bit more relaxed to ensure they can spend time with all their guests so if hopefully guests wouldn't feel pressured to stay if they were offered this option?

Any thoughts and feedback are greatly appreciated.


P.S. Does anyone know of any stockists in Ireland of Cymbeline dresses apart from de stafford and annabelle rose? They don't have the dress she wants to try. Thanks!!!

Sleepy

I'm originally from Galway, o/h is from Dublin and it looks like we'll be having our wedding in either Tipp or Wexford. Most guests at a wedding end up paying to stay over anyway so I don't think there's any issue with booking the place in Waterford at all tbh.

When there are affordable options at hand, I don't think it's too much to ask of your guests. Include details of the hotel, the lodges and some nearby B&B's in the wedding invite and you're fine imho. We certainly won't be paying for our guests accomodation!

Daisy M

Well I think they should choose a place they like. Either way people will be travelling be it on the brides side or the grooms side. As for the accomodation I dont really understand what you mean re the plus ones. Do you mean if someone is single not to give them a plus one or do you mean regardless if the person is single or in a relationship only they get invited. It would be insulting to invite someone but not their spouse/partner. likewise it would be insulting to only pay for accomodation for single people and not couples.

Why not ask people not to give a wedding gift as there is enough expense incurred with travel and overnight stay and that way it will make it more achievable for people to come.

D3PO

She should have it wherever she wants . If people want to go they will she shouldnt consider paying for their accomadation.

FWIW I was at a wedding last year in Tipperary in the Grooms parish (bride was from Dublin) and Ive also been abroad for weddings where the bride and groom were Irish.

People will go. I know the ecomonic climate isnt great but people make an effort for weddings and they can easily find a b&b for next to nothing if they are tight on cash.

slowmoe

Its more so that the wedding is a lot of travelling for Dublin guests and it would be in lieu of plus ones. The venue has a number limit so without plus ones the venue is perfect.

Do you think people would be offended without a plus one? I think she would probably offer a plus one to people that won't know anyone else there though...

Sorry extra replies while i was writing that...if it was a couple the couple would be invited but the idea would be more geared at single people/hoards of cousins etc that would search for someone to bring for the sake of having a plus one if that makes sense? Given the economic climate she doesn't want people to have to struggle to go to her wedding and she has her heart of this place in waterford so we're trying to mash out ideas between us

tabstheatre

check out www.memoriesbridalboutique.com they're fab and definitely have cymbeline dresses

I think she should totally have the place that she wants to get married in. It's her wedding and she should have what she wants.
On the plus one thing I think you should decide per guest. There is nothing more uncomfortable than being invited to a wedding where you don't know many people and then not being given a plus one. It doesn't even matter if you are single. Bringing a friend is preferably to going alone for most people. I have been invited to weddings where I only knew the bride/groom, but was close to them so I had to go or they would have been hurt. But I spent the day having stilted conversations with complete strangers and couldn't wait until I could escape.
It's very different not getting a plus one when you are going to know a whole gang of friends there.
So much and all as you might have paid for their accommodation if they are uncomfortable they aren't going to thank you for it!
And alot of married people wouldn't consider going without their partners.

I don't think it's a matter of insulting people just making them feel comfortable. Decide what to do per guest, is my suggestion. Then tell them you have cheap accommodation sorted on a first come first served basis.

D3PO

seems to me your intentions are mixed up.

are you saying no plus ones becasue the venue isnt big enough ?

or are you saying no plus ones would allow you pay for the guests rooms ?

if its the former the my view is your policy should be the same for both the groom and your family friends.

if its no plus ones becasue you were considering paying for the dublin guests rooms this is a crazy notion in my view and you should invite the plus ones.

Sleepy

I'll be doing very, very few invites with '+1' on them, a handful for people I know well that wouldn't know *anyone* else at the wedding and only bothering with the cousins I see at least once a year out of choice.

We worked on the basis of : who do we want there, which of those would be a bit lost without a +1, find a venue that can handle those numbers. If the "ideal venue" doesn't match that number for your sister, I'd advise her to find somewhere else. If she's bringing all cousins on both sides "because it's the done thing" tell her to rethink imho. Bring the one's you like and give the rest evening invites.

D3PO

slowmoe wrote: »

Do you think people would be offended without a plus one? I think she would probably offer a plus one to people that won't know anyone else there though...

if it was a couple the couple would be invited but the idea would be more geared at single people/hoards of cousins etc that would search for someone to bring for the sake of having a plus one if that makes sense?

ah thats different. yeah thats a fine thing to do in my book., Peopel wont be offended and wont expect their room to be paid for in lieu of it. I think you should know that idea on the head right now

we are doign the same. my friends will get plus ones for their partners my single friends wont. same with my cousins

who really wants a laod of strangers at their wedding ? I mean its a day of celebration of family and friends. Not of family friends and random people.

slowmoe

The wedding is not going to be huge. So the no plus ones would be for for people that don't have people to bring and who know people there already. Couples would get invited together and people who don't know anyone would get a plus one.

I guess the idea is from the location meaning most guests will have to travel (groom has people in dublin too) and the venue limiting numbers

Daisy M

If they want this venue and are limited to the number of people it can accomodate then not iextending a plus one to single people who will know other people well at the wedding is perfectly fine. I dont think offering to pay for accomodation is necessary and unless they are willing to pay for everyone (which would be silly) then it will only cause arguments.

tabstheatre

definitely paying for accommodation for some is more insulting. If it's not family or the wedding party just pass on the discount to people who want it.

slowmoe

Ok so the general opinion is no to paying for accomodation, very few plus ones ok and location of the venue is ok??

gubby

I dont see why anyone would mind travelling at all... especially if they get free accommondation!! when you say +1's do you mean partners of their friends or just someone extra to do the driving? personally I live in Co Cork and almost always have to travel to wedding and normally book into the hotel for the night at our own expense.
best of luck

D3PO

slowmoe wrote: »

Ok so the general opinion is no to paying for accomodation, very few plus ones ok and location of the venue is ok??

yep thats the view of the majority

Sleepy

slowmoe wrote: »

Ok so the general opinion is no to paying for accomodation, very few plus ones ok and location of the venue is ok??

Yup.

Getting into paying for accommodation is lunacy unless you've just won the lotto tbh. You'll either bankrupt yourself or cause rows about who's getting paid for and who isn't.

sweetie

When we got married we only gave plus ones to people who deserved them i.e married or long-term relationships. If someone hadnt mentioned to us they were dating, they didnt get one. Slightly harsh, yes, but like you we had to customise our wedding to fit our dream venue. And we had people drive an hour from dublin to church, another hour to the venue and then there was no accomodation at the venue so they had to go elsewhere for that. We did provide copious free drink and an in depth list of local accomodations and had arranged for taxi company to be available too.

amdublin

How about suggesting no gifts as the guests will be spending so much on travel and accommodation?

Balmed Out

out of about a dozen weddings Ive been to I think Ive stayed in a hotel for at least two thirds. Dont think its such a big deal. Most people I know at least have one member of the couple from a different town or city then the other. Normally whoevers getting married looks into where the best value accomodation nearby is and lets people know, often including options of renting a house for the weekend among big groups of friends.

slowmoe

amdublin wrote: »

How about suggesting no gifts as the guests will be spending so much on travel and accommodation?

We suggested that with parents and close friends already, their response was that they could do if they wanted but they'd all be bringing gifts anyway and only cheap people wouldn't be bringing gifts. Would it embarrass people if they received the instruction not to bring gifts, didn't bring gifts but others still did?

slowmoe

Balmed Out wrote: »

out of about a dozen weddings Ive been to I think Ive stayed in a hotel for at least two thirds. Dont think its such a big deal. Most people I know at least have one member of the couple from a different town or city then the other. Normally whoevers getting married looks into where the best value accomodation nearby is and lets people know, often including options of renting a house for the weekend among big groups of friends.

Its in an isolated location but the lodges have 5 bedrooms and if you divide it per room they work out at 55 a room. Should we suggest to people that if they want to avail of a room we can match them with others to get the lodges? They're a 2 min well lit walk from the venue

amdublin

slowmoe wrote: »

amdublin wrote: »

How about suggesting no gifts as the guests will be spending so much on travel and accommodation?

We suggested that with parents and close friends already, their response was that they could do if they wanted but they'd all be bringing gifts anyway and only cheap people wouldn't be bringing gifts. Would it embarrass people if they received the instruction not to bring gifts, didn't bring gifts but others still did?

I think people would apreciate that your sid was thinking of them. People may not have money for travel, accomofation and gift.

Would your sis prefer them at wedding but no gift. Or get a gift but them not at her wedding?

slowmoe

MY sis is watching this from her place btw, she's not using boards. If she said on the invite no gift required but about half still brought gifts, would that be ok or embarrassing to those who went with the no gifts. She'd prefer no gifts than putting financial pressure on people anyhow. Herself and her fiancee are easy going, they just want a romantic day for everyone to enjoy, but with decisions and politics its getting messy

slowmoe

Thanks for the help btw

Daisy M

slowmoe wrote: »

MY sis is watching this from her place btw, she's not using boards. If she said on the invite no gift required but about half still brought gifts, would that be ok or embarrassing to those who went with the no gifts. She'd prefer no gifts than putting financial pressure on people anyhow. Herself and her fiancee are easy going, they just want a romantic day for everyone to enjoy, but with decisions and politics its getting messy

They sound like a nice couple. If they choose to say no gifts please you can be gauranteed some people will still give gifts. People will still want to give something to the newly married couple. However they will feel less pressure to spend/give a huge amount.Accept gifts with grace no one else needs to know who gave and who didnt. People will still give cards who knows if there is a gift inside or a separate gift or nothing is given.
As for the lodges let people know that they contain 5 bedrooms, so if a group of friends/family want to stay in the same one then let each individual group decide to get one person to book out either a house or x amount of rooms in one house. I would try not to get involved with this as you may end up spending a lot of time chasing deposits making changes if people back out ect. Meet with the manager of the lodges and arrange how the bookings will go put this info in with your invite and leave them to it.

tabstheatre

sweetie wrote: »

When we got married we only gave plus ones to people who deserved them i.e married or long-term relationships.

as a single person, I think it's unfair to suggest that I don't 'deserve' a plus one!!!

Daisy M

tabstheatre wrote: »

as a single person, I think it's unfair to suggest that I don't 'deserve' a plus one!!!

Would you always feel like that or just if you were going to a wedding where you didnt know many people? I do think if someone is going out with someone for longer than a few months then they should get a plus one. I think when the op refers to single people she means people who dont have a g/f b/f.

slowmoe

Just for the record, my sis and her fiancee (who are a lovely couple thanks daisy!) only want to be surrounded by friends and family, not the aunt they haven't seen since baptism, the neighbour whose name they don't know or a load of random plus ones.

They're trying to avoid that whole 'i'm entitled to a plus one/to be at the head table/to be a bridesmaid/etc' thing and going minimal, but romantic and just keeping it simple. Apart from the couples invites there are about 60 single people invited, if they all got plus one then thats 120 people and already a huge wedding in itself and over the max venue numbers.

It might look like single people are being denied something they 'deserve' but thats really not the case here. My sister is really stressed over having the wedding she wants and can afford or pleasing other people with locations/cheap accomodation/transport/plus ones.

One of her fiances friends already asked her could he (who is part of a couple and will be invited with his oh) bring four other friends for the day out!

satcmegafan

slowmoe wrote: »

Hi everyone,

I'm helping to plan my sisters wedding and something cropped up so i thought boards would be the best place for ideas. Basically my sister lives in and is from Dublin, her fiancee is from Wexford. She has fallen in love with a venue in Waterford for the reception but we know its generally the done thing to have the wedding where the bride is from as opposed to the groom. Its twenty mins from the grooms home but 2 1/2 hours from her home. OBviously she would have to find a church there and not have people attending dublin for a ceremony then driving to waterford for their dinner

So we thought that she can do one of two things, the usual find somewhere closeish to dublin, invite people with a few plus ones OR book her fairytale place and in lieu of plus ones offer them a room overnight at the hotel? The hotel has a number of self catering lodges that they have offered at a reasonable price, so it would work out around the same to provide accomodation in lieu of plus ones. We also thought that perhaps this could be a handier option as it could make the wedding cheaper for guests to attend, as they won't have to pay for their own accomodation.

Do you think some people could be insulted by this or is it just an absolutely ridiculous idea? Her fiancee and her are planning a bbq the next day as something a bit more relaxed to ensure they can spend time with all their guests so if hopefully guests wouldn't feel pressured to stay if they were offered this option?

Any thoughts and feedback are greatly appreciated.


P.S. Does anyone know of any stockists in Ireland of Cymbeline dresses apart from de stafford and annabelle rose? They don't have the dress she wants to try. Thanks!!!

Hi there, ur sister should have the wedding where she really wants it, simple as that, if she picks the wrong place based on money then she will regret it although i do think the idea of the church in dublin and a reception somewhere 2.5 hrs away is a definate no no, they need to be fairly close otherwise you lose time with the people you want to share the day with and believe me the day totally flies in.. I got married in mallorca last year only 30 people and they were all prepared to travel and pay for themselves, flights and accom, no issue there whatsoever, most people turned into a holiday and couldnt wait for it. I also invited people alone as I wanted to control who the possible plus 1's were, I know it sounds selfish but its not, my other half and i simply didnt want people there that we didnt know. Granted we did pay for everything on the day, no one had to put a hand in their pocket from beginning to end but thats just how we wanted it and even though expensive we wouldnt change it. I dont think she should provide accomodation except for the parents, people do not expect it and lets be honest we are in a recession here!
best of luck to you and ur sister, i remember the stress well but its worth it, make decisions and dont second guess them, and do not stress out about what you think people will think, after a few drinks no one gives a toss about anything honestly.. best wishes

The Lovely Muffin

Hi OP,,

I've never heard of this tradition to have the wedding where the bride is from.

Personally, if it was me, I would have the wedding/reception somewhere I really liked and wanted rather than sticking with tradition, but then, I am not one for traditions anyway.

Chances are guests will have to travel from both sides of the family anyway to the wedding, so I wouldn't be overly worried about people having to travel to Waterford.

I certainly wouldn't be paying the extra for guests accommodation and if you offer to pay for their accommodation instead of them bringing plus one's, chances are some guests will feel miffed that they can't bring X/Y/Z, whether they have to pay for accommodation or not.

I would say, have the wedding where you want to have it, include plenty of details of hotels/B&Bs etc that are nearby the wedding venue.

Maybe if you get enough guests into the same hotel/B&B the B&B/hote might offer a special rate for that night.

Good luck.

tinkerbell

Right OP, first of all this thread is insane!!!! I can't believe your sister feels that she has to pay for accommodation for her guests!!! That is NUTS. You'd swear she were getting married in Alaska, the way ye are going on about the guests coming down from Dublin! Dublin - Waterford is NOT far, in fact it is mega close. It's like an hour and a half away on the motorway. Tell your sister that she is not to pay for her guests accommodation and feel bad that she can't invite +1s. If your wedding is small, then it is just not possible to invite +1s. Only give a +1 to someone if they won't know anybody there.

Regarding the presents, don't mention presents at all. Don't say anything about them. Your sister is creating all this unnecessary stress on herself - she just needs to relax and go with the flow and stop stressing about a teeny drive down to Waterford!

By the way, you do not have to have the reception in the bride's hometown. That went out way back years ago, that doesn't happen all the time anymore.

slowmoe

Thanks for all the replies everyone! My sis is feeling a bit better and re focussed now!

So can i just check two other things with you, should she pay for the parents to stay/and or anyone else ie bridesmaid/best man etc?

Also is it common or uncommon to invite children? Her fiance and her have a lot of family friends, most of his friends are families, so they would know the kids very well but if they invite the kids then it takes up a lot of room at the wedding etc but they would like to def have a few kids there. Also she's concerned that if there are a load of kids that their parents will go to bed with them early!

Any opinions or advice is great

P.S. Thanks to who posted the link to cymbeline, unfortunately they don't have the dress she's looking for, just got a reply from them that the nearest boutique its stocked at is in France!!! Back to the drawing board!

Zaph

slowmoe wrote: »

So can i just check two other things with you, should she pay for the parents to stay/and or anyone else ie bridesmaid/best man etc?

There's no hard and fast rule, it's down to personal preference. I was best man at my brother's wedding and paid for my own hotel room. We're paying for accommodation for the bridal party, even though they have all said we shouldn't, but it's just something we want to do for them. I think if the parents are contributing toward the wedding it's a nice gesture to pay for their rooms, after that it's probably down to what you can afford as much as anything.

slowmoe wrote: »

Also is it common or uncommon to invite children? Her fiance and her have a lot of family friends, most of his friends are families, so they would know the kids very well but if they invite the kids then it takes up a lot of room at the wedding etc but they would like to def have a few kids there. Also she's concerned that if there are a load of kids that their parents will go to bed with them early!

Again there's no rule, it's whatever you want yourself. After initially saying no kids, we changed our minds and allowed them for immediate family only. However as two of my nieces and my fiancée's nephew will be taken away by their grandparents well before the meal, in practice we'll only have two kids there for the whole day. Tbh, having a gang of kids at a wedding is hassle as they have to be entertained, either by their parents or sometimes the couple will lay something on. Either way they get bored as it's a long day for them. If they're only the kids of friends I'd say definitely not, none of our friends would have any expectation that their kids will be invited and in most cases are probably looking forward to a day or two break away from them.

sweetie

tabstheatre wrote: »

as a single person, I think it's unfair to suggest that I don't 'deserve' a plus one!!!

Hypotheticallly; Its your choice whether you want to go to a wedding alone but its my choice to not invite an extra person for you if my venue/budget prevents it. Get over yourself. If you cant just be happy to go to wedding and accept the reasons then dont go.

tinkerbell wrote: »

If your wedding is small, then it is just not possible to invite +1s. Only give a +1 to someone if they won't know anybody there.

A good idea for sure but will the people who didnt get a plus one be understanding of the reason behind those who did?
Imo, one rule no exceptions!

Sleepy

We'll be having two kids at our wedding: our own.

We'll be trying to arrange a designated babysitter for them for the day so they're not hanging out of their aunties/uncles/grandparents all day and they'll be going to bed by 8/9pm.

I'll make an exception for one or two friends who may still have babies that are nursing but tbh, I'll be surprised if any of them even ask to bring them: most will be only delighted to pass the kids to granny & granddad so they can enjoy a night off!

D3PO

slowmoe wrote: »

!

So can i just check two other things with you, should she pay for the parents to stay/and or anyone else ie bridesmaid/best man etc?

!

The answer is NO she should not pay for the parents to stay. There rooms should be FREE as part of your negotiation with the hotel regarding the wedding. I have never every heard of a hotel not giving rooms for the parents as part of the deal.

as for the wedding party there is no hard and fast rule. Some peopel do some peole dont it depends on an indivicual and their finances.

tinkerbell

sweetie wrote: »

A good idea for sure but will the people who didnt get a plus one be understanding of the reason behind those who did?
Imo, one rule no exceptions!

I don't think you need to blatantly say "I gave him/her a +1 because, but not to you". It's none of their business really who was invited or not ... besides, if you give a +1 to say Girl A, how does Girl B know that you don't know Girl A's +1 so would have invited them anyway?

You can't please everyone.

And if you have a bunch of friends who all know each other and they either aren't in relationships or are going out with someone for not long, then you can just invite the bunch of friends, there's absolutely no need to give them all +1s since they all know each other.