help

bebop12

i have a 12 year old girl she does get into any bother in school in fact she very good and bright she not into boys at the min but her attudude is a big problem at home she sometimes can have me in tears she has to have the last word and can be insulting to me and other members of our family she doesnt see she is doing anything wrong and she says thing before thinking and it can hurt my husbane and i have tried to get her to see what she is doing is wrong but it alway ends in an argurement hopefully some of you will be able to give us some helpful ways of dealing with her because when she is good she is a delightfully yoing girl

gizmorox

bebop12 wrote: »

i have a 12 year old girl she does get into any bother in school in fact she very good and bright she not into boys at the min but her attudude is a big problem at home she sometimes can have me in tears she has to have the last word and can be insulting to me and other members of our family she doesnt see she is doing anything wrong and she says thing before thinking and it can hurt my husbane and i have tried to get her to see what she is doing is wrong but it alway ends in an argurement hopefully some of you will be able to give us some helpful ways of dealing with her because when she is good she is a delightfully yoing girl

ditto....hoping it's just a hormone fuelled phase!

bebop12

thank god we are not alone she has been like this a long time only she has got worse maybe it is hormone fulled but i would like to know how to handle her just so we wouldnt be fighting the whole time

niamhx

I've an 18yr old girl here, while she's never caused me any outside trouble ( think street angel, house devil) her attitude from 12/13 onwards has been shocking ! She has her weeks were she's fine, then we'll have weeks of attitude. I ignore her during that time, it the only thing that works. Trying to talk her out of her moods, makes it worse ! She needs space to work out whatever's bothering her and I need to not have to deal with the attitude. It can get quite bad as we're both very volatile people. It's better for us to step away from each other when it starts. Anyway my advice is to try to talk to them when their like this, it's only makes it worse IMO. Their not able to have a normal conversation when their hormones, attitude are at an all time high. Try talking to them the next day when you see their calm. Hths

Daisy M

bebop12 wrote: »

i have a 12 year old girl she does get into any bother in school in fact she very good and bright she not into boys at the min but her attudude is a big problem at home she sometimes can have me in tears she has to have the last word and can be insulting to me and other members of our family she doesnt see she is doing anything wrong and she says thing before thinking and it can hurt my husbane and i have tried to get her to see what she is doing is wrong but it alway ends in an argurement hopefully some of you will be able to give us some helpful ways of dealing with her because when she is good she is a delightfully yoing girl

Snap! My 11 year old girl is just the same, she is capable of saying anything. The only thing is she is sorry soon after and is mortified and will apologise off her own bat. I have stopped getting hurt as I figure she doesnt mean it, it is her way of lashing out. I find stopping her going to an activity usually puts her back in line for a week or two.

bebop12

Daisy M wrote: »

Snap! My 11 year old girl is just the same, she is capable of saying anything. The only thing is she is sorry soon after and is mortified and will apologise off her own bat. I have stopped getting hurt as I figure she doesnt mean it, it is her way of lashing out. I find stopping her going to an activity usually puts her back in line for a week or two.

my daughter doesnt apologise she doesnt think she has done anything wrong and she is also right the whole time we have just started senting her to her room as soon as she starts but as soon as we let her back it like well i did nothing wrong you started me off you ruin my life ect and it keeps going i just can t win

bebop12

niamhx wrote: »

I've an 18yr old girl here, while she's never caused me any outside trouble ( think street angel, house devil) her attitude from 12/13 onwards has been shocking ! She has her weeks were she's fine, then we'll have weeks of attitude. I ignore her during that time, it the only thing that works. Trying to talk her out of her moods, makes it worse ! She needs space to work out whatever's bothering her and I need to not have to deal with the attitude. It can get quite bad as we're both very volatile people. It's better for us to step away from each other when it starts. Anyway my advice is to try to talk to them when their like this, it's only makes it worse IMO. Their not able to have a normal conversation when their hormones, attitude are at an all time high. Try talking to them the next day when you see their calm. Hths

at 18 years and still going through it does it ever end my mother cant get over her cause i wasnt like that now i wasnt an angel but didnt give her attitude the way my daughter give me well i knew better i would be killed if i did i am going to try not say anything to her when she is in her moods and talk when we both calm down thanks very much for your advice hopefully we can work thing out

tinyk68

My daughter is 16 and was the very same at that age. It does improve as time goes on and it's less of a problem now. I actually think it's harder to deal with boys. My son turned 13 at Christmas and I find where I got attitude form my daughter I get aggression from my son. He gets really angry with all the family and can be impossible to deal with. It's even more upsetting because he was more gentle as a young child. Also cuddles are a thing of the past and if I try to cuddle him now he shakes me off roughly and won't let me near him.
As regards your daughter, just give her time. She will grow out of it eventually!

bebop12

tinyk68 wrote: »

My daughter is 16 and was the very same at that age. It does improve as time goes on and it's less of a problem now. I actually think it's harder to deal with boys. My son turned 13 at Christmas and I find where I got attitude form my daughter I get aggression from my son. He gets really angry with all the family and can be impossible to deal with. It's even more upsetting because he was more gentle as a young child. Also cuddles are a thing of the past and if I try to cuddle him now he shakes me off roughly and won't let me near him.
As regards your daughter, just give her time. She will grow out of it eventually!

ye i have two boys 16 this year and 14 in may and they just give me no bother at all they do there own thing play football x box i only see them when they are hungry now they can have there bad days but mild compare to my daughter my eldest has adhd and sometime can be a handfully but he wil said sorry when he calm down and know he has done wrong i have a 10 year old daughter just comming behide my 12 years old so hopefully i can get some good advice that if needed i will have for her if she get the attitude good luck with your son

LadyMayBelle

I feel like on broken record sometimes on this topic but I cannot recommend this book enough: 'How to talk so teens will listen and listen so teens will talk' by Mazlish and Faber. I have used it so much and have had such positive feedback from parents who applyed what was taught in the book to real life situations with their teens. It is an easy read, nothing complicated, but the stuff in it works.

Often's the case that home isn't where any teenager wants to be..parents wreck their head and everyone is out to get them, bar maybe their friends. Empathy is the most powerful tool a parent use, and of course LISTENING, and being specific about replies;remember the details of what they tell you. For example if Johnny doesn't tell you anything and things youre a pain in the backside, but you remember that on Wednesday he has PE which he loves, try telling him I hope you enjoy PE today or whatever. Teens remember specifcs and will appreciate if you do too.

Back on topic; I'd suggest using the above, and make sure you give your daughter time and space; a good balance of not bombarding her with questions; maybe find good time (got for a bite to eat somewhere?) and tell her you've noticed that fights spiral out of control; what would she suggest that could be done to stop that happening? You'd like that to change and are willing to make some changes if she can help identify what they might be, and she might suggest changes she can make. No blame anywhere, and no accusations, just opening the space is all. Something maybe may be bothering her at school, or at home; being a teen is hard as it is especially with all the hormones chucked in! Time, empathy and thick skin!

The Princess Bride

I can't offer anything much except to say it's perfectly fine to send them to their room if they've gone off the rails.

I find these years parenting teens far harder than when they were little.
It is very much a roller coaster ride or Jeckyl & Hyde experience,never knowing whether tomorrow is going to be a good day or not.

Make time for yourself- the parent of the teenager- if only to get out for a walk and clear your head.
And try praise them again and again when they do well ....and tell them you love them,no matter how much you really really want to scream....they need to hear it,to keep them grounded.

KoolKid

We had issues with that attitude ,no respect & language.
We let it slide a bit & it got worse. Deal with it now is my advice.
Here is what we did. It may not suit everyone but it worked.

Tough love
We basically took her aside & told her this is not acceptable behaviour & it is disrespectful, and if she was not going to have respect for us then we will have none for her.
We got all the usual , that just the way she talks, all her friends do the same, their parents are great etc etc etc..
And then came the threats to leave. (She had threathend this a few times so now we wern't accepting it any more,) Go ahead.. We have arranged for you to stay in your Aunt *****s . She packed her cases & didn't back down untill she was about to be collected. She came down , crying saying she wanted to stay, So then we laid down the rules.
We told her, you won't get respect, you must earn it.
Its time to see all thats done in the house. You have to do your own ironing, washing and cleaning the room etc.
We kept her at a distence and let her have the responsability to get her own things organised.
We kept a distence & didn't hound her for things to be done. But when she had no uniform for the next day she knew she had to do some washing, ironing etc.
I think this has made her see how much we do & there is a new respect there & a much better attitude.
So Far So Godod

Outkast_IRE

If the behaviour is disrespectful , then punish it , no argument , no rising to the taunt just plain and simple , you were disrespectfull this is your punishment, no discussion , no argument , end of conversation .

Your daughter is being disrespectful of you, firm action , with no backing down on your part is needed , remember you are the boss punishments arent debateable.

cbyrd

We're going through this phase too.. i've got a cut off point.. 3 strikes and she's out..(sent to her room:)) One thing i notice, she'll be cutting with me or talk back, i'll react, whereas my husband will listen assess and if necessary will give out or more often, turn the situation on its head by introducing humour..
One day he showed her a clip on youtube of Kevin and Perry, if you remember them? and she laughed her head off thinking them so stupid.. until he brings it up when she kicks off.. does an impression and she can't help but laugh ... which diffuses the situation.. i have to say i am learning more how to cut it off before it gets out of hand.
One thing that helped was a programme a few years ago about kids from birth to teenage years(BBC followed the same kids for the time it took) anyway, they did the studies of the kids when they hit 12 and 13 using TV and flashing images of different emotions on peoples faces.. the teens couldn't recognize most of the emotions..which tells that it's not a choice for most being obstinate or difficult.. the genuinely don't see what is in front of them..
Although you will get them playing up on it..:rolleyes: I'm learning that if my girl doesn't get the reaction .. she' doesn't kick off as much.. it's a two way thing.. it's very difficult to know when it's over the top, but i have allowed things like the messy bedroom to slide once there's no food or smelly clothes..:D
It'll be interesting to see how she turns out.. i've another 3 coming up behind her :eek::D

bebop12

just want to say thanks to everyone for the advice and i definely will be taking a lot of it she started this morning before school and i just got up and went to the bathroom and when i came out she was out side the door and just said goodbye and see you at 3:30 gave me a kiss and left for school so walking away and a bit of space for 10 mins help so once again thanks

KittyeeTrix

I have noticed that my almost 13 year old daughter is a lot quicker to get snappy than my 2 older sons ever were (now aged 15 and 17), particularly with her Dad.

I always pull her up on it and let her know that it is not to be tolerated and to take the attitude to her room. In fairness to her, her reaction is always to immediately apologise to her Dad for being funny with him.

I think she has a few minutes to think when I call her out on her attitude and she has a moment to reflect, or calm which works for us!! Hopefully this will continue:)

GarIT

The OP said her daughter thinks she's always right, but I bet the OP thinks the same about herself. Have you ever really thought about who is right?

Things like "respect your elders" used to drive me mad, that is so discriminating its infurating. I don't mean being told not to do something, thats fair enough but being told I have to treat someone in a certain way because fo their age is so offensive. Eventually I got this through to my parents and now they would never say it to my brother.

I also had big trouble with family over religious beliefs, I was always told I was wrong but eventually I convinced my parents I had a right to my own beliefs and they talked to my grandparents and told them that they were annoying me by trying to force 19th century beliefs into me and they stoped.

A lot of the time the children can be right, my parents will admit that now that I'm older and you should consider this.

cynder

GarIT wrote: »

The OP said her daughter thinks she's always right, but I bet the OP thinks the same about herself. Have you ever really thought about who is right?

Things like "respect your elders" used to drive me mad, that is so discriminating its infurating. I don't mean being told not to do something, thats fair enough but being told I have to treat someone in a certain way because fo their age is so offensive. Eventually I got this through to my parents and now they would never say it to my brother.

I also had big trouble with family over religious beliefs, I was always told I was wrong but eventually I convinced my parents I had a right to my own beliefs and they talked to my grandparents and told them that they were annoying me by trying to force 19th century beliefs into me and they stoped.

A lot of the time the children can be right, my parents will admit that now that I'm older and you should consider this.

Just wondering how old you are? 16-19? male?

I agree with you about the religion, my 12 year old wants to have conformation but ive told her not to rule out other religions, she should know all of them before she can make an informed choice.

Also i do believe in respecting your elders, however if the elder person is being abusive/ belittling/ argumentative/ rude and so on then they dont deserve respect, but if the person is not then i think its mannerly to speak to an adult with respect. IM not saying the child should say yes sir, no sir, 10 bags full sir but have a respectful tone and not be rude when there is no merit for it. The child should be allowed to voice his/her own opinion but respectfully and also to add we all thought like you do as kids BUT when we go on to have kids of our own its a whole new ball game. Im 31 yet i remember my teen years very well and have a modern day approach to parenting, but in my own unique way, im more lax then most here on the parenting forum BUT i do have boundaries as every parent should, A line the child/teen doesnt dare cross. When they do there is trouble, if the child gets into a huff over it and starts being abusive (be it language or physical) then it needs to be stopped. If a child is respectful towards their parents it helps as you can have a sensible chat and can reconcile but when the child's attitude is rude and downright disrespectful they have to be told/taught that it isnt on. Just as if i walked up to my boss and had a go at him i would be fired, these are life skills we are trying to teach we are not trying to ruin the kids life, but prepare them for adulthood.

You will understand when you have kids. Its also nice to see somethings for a teens perspective, hope you stay around, just bare in mind no ones perfect and no one here claims to be a perfect parent, is a discussion forum.

GarIT

grindelwald wrote: »

Just wondering how old you are? 16-19? male?

I agree with you about the religion, my 12 year old wants to have conformation but ive told her not to rule out other religions, she should know all of them before she can make an informed choice.

Also i do believe in respecting your elders, however if the elder person is being abusive/ belittling/ argumentative/ rude and so on then they dont deserve respect, but if the person is not then i think its mannerly to speak to an adult with respect. IM not saying the child should say yes sir, no sir, 10 bags full sir but have a respectful tone and not be rude when there is no merit for it. The child should be allowed to voice his/her own opinion but respectfully and also to add we all thought like you do as kids BUT when we go on to have kids of our own its a whole new ball game. Im 31 yet i remember my teen years very well and have a modern day approach to parenting, but in my own unique way, im more lax then most here on the parenting forum BUT i do have boundaries as every parent should, A line the child/teen doesnt dare cross. When they do there is trouble, if the child gets into a huff over it and starts being abusive (be it language or physical) then it needs to be stopped. If a child is respectful towards their parents it helps as you can have a sensible chat and can reconcile but when the child's attitude is rude and downright disrespectful they have to be told/taught that it isnt on. Just as if i walked up to my boss and had a go at him i would be fired, these are life skills we are trying to teach we are not trying to ruin the kids life, but prepare them for adulthood.

You will understand when you have kids. Its also nice to see somethings for a teens perspective, hope you stay around, just bare in mind no ones perfect and no one here claims to be a perfect parent, is a discussion forum.

Yeah, 18 male. What you said about respecting your elders, I find this similar to racisim and I've had many a shouting match over it. I treat everyone equally and expect to be treated the same from them regardless of age. I find any refernce to age and respect in the same sentence is extremely offensive. I know that most other teenagers find the "age = more important than you/always right" arguement a nightmare. I'd advise any parents never to use this arguement. If you child does something wrong go ahead and correct them. But never expect you childrent to treat adults better than the adults treat them.

See the line I bolded there, I find that extremely discriminatory, Change the two words elders to others and the word adult to any other person and then say that it applies to everyone not children and I completely agree.

Orion

GarIT wrote: »

I treat everyone equally and expect to be treated the same from them regardless of age. I find any refernce to age and respect in the same sentence is extremely offensive.

I agree with GarIT here. Everyone should be mannerly to each other - it costs nothing. Respect is not the same as being mannerly. Respect is earned - not given indiscriminately. Being older does not grant an automatic right to respect. Male 41 btw.

On a totally OT note: this forum has taken an interesting turn. It was originally conceived as a forum for parents of teens. Teens like GarIT getting involved is an unexpected (to me) turn of events. And a very welcome one in my opinion. Free dialogue is healthy.

cynder

GarIT wrote: »

See the line I bolded there, I find that extremely discriminatory, Change the two words elders to others and the word adult to any other person and then say that it applies to everyone not children and I completely agree.

Thats my years of being brainwashed as a child (if you knew my childhood you would understand.

But yes 'OTHERS' would be perfect, could have phrased it better as under 18s hate that line. Everyone should be mannerly, respectful and courteous to others (even those they dont know) and if someone (regardless of age/race and so on) is being rude/ downright disrespectful / abusive then they dont deserve any respect.

After saying that in a school, work or home environment it doesn't work 100% due to adults* having the final say and what they say goes, as they hold a position of authority. The child then becomes resentful of adults* position and the authority they hold over them and can act up.

*adults being people in charge or in a place of authority e.g boss, teacher, parent, social worker, guard and so on.

As for the : I know that most other teenagers find the "age = more important than you/always right" arguement a nightmare. Ive been there and wore the t-shirt. Preaching to the converted!

cynder

Orion wrote: »

On a totally OT note: this forum has taken an interesting turn. It was originally conceived as a forum for parents of teens. Teens like GarIT getting involved is an unexpected (to me) turn of events. And a very welcome one in my opinion. Free dialogue is healthy.

Agree!

GarIT

grindelwald wrote: »

Thats my years of being brainwashed as a child (if you knew my childhood you would understand.

But yes 'OTHERS' would be perfect, could have phrased it better as under 18s hate that line. Everyone should be mannerly, respectful and courteous to others (even those they dont know) and if someone (regardless of age/race and so on) is being rude/ downright disrespectful / abusive then they dont deserve any respect.

After saying that in a school, work or home environment it doesn't work 100% due to adults* having the final say and what they say goes, as they hold a position of authority. The child then becomes resentful of adults* position and the authority they hold over them and can act up.

*adults being people in charge or in a place of authority e.g boss, teacher, parent, social worker, guard and so on.

As for the : I know that most other teenagers find the "age = more important than you/always right" arguement a nightmare. Ive been there and wore the t-shirt. Preaching to the converted!

I didn't actually take any offence from what you said, if it was directed at me it probably would have. I completely understand the people in authority arguement once its agreed that age has nothing to do with authority. Parents probably do have authority but as far as im concerned grandparents or relatives have absolutely none.

Bazinga_N

I completely agree with the ''Respect Your Elders'' Line as being rubbish! Its Ageism.. Why should you earn respect with age? I actually go mental when people say this..

In arguments my mother always says ''You should respect me, I'm your mother, I did bring you into this world!'' It wrecks my head because I never have a comeback good enough! :P

BengaLover

bebop12 wrote: »

i have a 12 year old girl she does get into any bother in school in fact she very good and bright she not into boys at the min but her attudude is a big problem at home she sometimes can have me in tears she has to have the last word and can be insulting to me and other members of our family she doesnt see she is doing anything wrong and she says thing before thinking and it can hurt my husbane and i have tried to get her to see what she is doing is wrong but it alway ends in an argurement hopefully some of you will be able to give us some helpful ways of dealing with her because when she is good she is a delightfully yoing girl

d

I have been there done that!
I have 2 girls both highly independant and intelligent ladies, at 17 and 14, but the attitude on the pair of them is awful, I have been battling for years trying to solve the problem, and for what its worth, this is what I can come up with..

Pick your fights : Sometimes let them have the rant and rave and dont say a word - they will either run out of steam or blurt out a REAL problem that they are dealing with.

Dont Shout: It gives them ammunition, and becomes a battle of who can shout loudest, and in the end nothing is resolved and agression takes over.

Make Allowances : Time of the month etc has a real effect on girls - yours may be building up to that, mine get really nasty with it..I just let em go and know it will be over in a few days.

Wait: Wait till AFTER an arument to try and get your point across - if it gets heated, simply refuse to enter the discussion. Then wait a while and go up to the room and have a nice chat and try not to point the finger or be accusatory, which is really hard when you want to let them know how mean they are being..

Abi

bebop12 wrote: »

i have a 12 year old girl she does get into any bother in school in fact she very good and bright she not into boys at the min but her attudude is a big problem at home she sometimes can have me in tears

Whatever you do, try to avoid this in front of her. Also, if she flies off the handle, don't fall into the trap of roaring or screaming back at her. You need to keep control of the situation, so remain calm but firm.


I think KoolKid is spot on with advice there.

Jubo

Completely agree with the 'pick your arguments' strategy. Some things are not worth the screaming match that would ensue. Teens spend a lot of time fighting against you - it's what they need to do in some ways - I think it's key to not be on their case 24/7. Some of the stuff my teen kids come out with is off the wall and spur of the moment, they don't really mean half of it. God, I hope not anyway

duncli1628

Have a 19yr old daughter. Had always been a good girl though sometimes, in previous years, she'd act up a bit. Always been totally honest with her about what she sometimes put me through. Let her know, and if she truly loves her daddy, she wouldn't want me to feel bad.
Also, always had treated/respected her as an individual with an individual's right to choose(views/paths, etc) but with CLEAR warnings of the path she's going down and that SHE and she alone will bear the consequences. I think the honesty helps to form trust.

January

Please do not post on threads that are over a year old.