boyfriend problems...lacking labido

LegacyUser

Hi

So.. I've been with my bf nearly and year and he's great and we're in love etc. But lately there's been some problems.

He has seemed to lose interest in sex. For the first few months we were together we had a lot of amazing sex and he is great in bed. But lately he just doesn't really seem bothered with it. Before, we would have sex whenever we spent the night together, which we do 5 times a week usually. Obviously there'd be some times we wouldn't for whatever reason. But lately its not as often and not the same really. Now we have sex maybe twice a week. And whenever we do its always me initiating it. Most nights we're together I kind try initiated it, not super forcefully or whatever, but just by kissing and all when we go to bed.
Before, when we went to bed, a few kisses would turn into lovely passionate 'making out' and then other types of foreplay and sex. But now its either just a few kisses, and I can tell he isnt interested so I stop. Or else if we do end up having sex it just feels like he's giving in to me and we have pretty standard sex, no foreplay or anything. I still enjoy it but I miss the passion and fun and feeling wanted and sexy.

Also just in general he seems slightly distant. We still spend time together and have a great time, and we hold hands and kiss and stuff a bit but he kinda doesn't seem that affectionate or sometimes that bothered with me as much more than a friend.

So the other morning I texted asked him was everything okay with him, and with us, and he replied saying 'of course! why?' and I just pretty much said what I said in the last paragraph there. And he replied saying 'I get what you mean, I dont really know why it is though, I'll call up and we can talk about it later'

And during that day I convinced myself that he was going to break up with me and i was really sad all day, and when he called up he could tell I was upset and asked why and I told him and he hugged me and said 'No way! I'm not breaking up with you! I love you and I'm not going anywhere'

And then we talked about our problems a bit. It was the first time in the relationship we've had a 'serious' talk. Usually we just have a laugh together and stuff.

He said he didnt know why he seems distant but hes aware hes doing it and that he thinks its because of stress from work etc, and that when something is stressing or annoying him he doesnt feel like its worth talking about, so he doesnt say anything. He said he will make an effort to communicate better with me so I dont assume i've done something wrong and thats why hes annoyed.

And all that was said about the whole sex thing was 'I really don't know why that is, its not that I'm not attracted to you because I am. I just don't feel the urge that much and I don't know why'


Since that talk he has made an effort with communicating with me, but the sex thing is the same, and I havent brought it up. I'm afraid to hurt his feeling and I don't know what to say. I don't want him to think that all I care about is sex and thats all I want from him, but it definitely is important in a relationship. I want to say that I want us to have foreplay and stuff and for him to want to and to want me, but I don't know how to put it.

Sorry about how long this is.

Also, I dont know if this is relevant, but over the last while, the only times where he's seemed to really want sex and to be passionate is when hes been drunk.

I know hes well able to be excellent in bed, I just wish he wanted to!

LovelyLottie

If he's said that it's not you, i'd believe him.

I still don't fully comprehend how some guys can distance themselves from you when they're stressed, but some do.

Is there any possibility he could be depressed? This might explain the lack of sex drive. Perhaps suss out (gently) if this is something that has happened before, or if this is the first time.

He sounds like he's making an effort to communicate, which is a step forward. Be patient. When you think it might be a good/suitable time, try to gently talk to him again about what you'd like a little bit more of in the bedroom. He sounds like a guy who would listen to your concerns and try to meet you half-way. He already has made improvements. So just be patient and talk to him again. He can't try to improve it, unless he knows exactly how you feel. Good luck.

LegacyUser

He does have a bit of a history with panic attacks / anxiety and was on anti-depressants for a while a couple of years but he says he hasn't been having any of that recently and hes been feeling perfectly grand.

As I said, the other day was the first time we've really had a serious conversation, and during it he said that the reason he could be distancing himself and not opening up that much about his problems/stress/annoyances is because 'hes a man' and men arent usually good at that sort of thing. Which he admitted was silly.

I have faith in him that he'll start being more open but I just don't know how to approach the sex thing

Miss Fluff

As soon as I read your first post it struck me as him suffering from depression. I'd urge him to maybe go and talk to his GP - one of the classic symptoms is to not derive pleasure anymore in things that have always brought you joy - that includes sex. Good that you guys are communicating openly and talking about this - I still would urge him to maybe think about seeing a professional though as nobody on PI/RI will be able to give you an accurate diagnosis.

LovelyLottie

It sounds like he has a bit of history with some anxiety and/or depression, so as Miss Fluff said encourage him to go to his GP to discuss this. Sometimes when depression is coming on, one doesn't always spot the warning signs, even when you've had previous bouts of it.

While there is no such thing as "normal", i would say it's not typical for guys to just go off sex (if he still wants to be with you, and he's said that he does). He might not want to worry you with how down he's feeling, most likely though he can't even articulate it himself because as you said he's not confident expressing his feelings.

You should encourage him to go to speak to a professional about how he's feeling. That would be the first step to getting things back on track. Tread carefully, because he's probably feeling confused and upset himself that he's not interested in sex. Best of luck.

TheIronyMaiden

That's so strange OP, I'm going through pretty much the exact same situation myself at the moment! Literally all the points you're making are identical to mine.

My boyfriend was out of work for about 4 months with his back (while his back was really bad we weren't physically able to have sex which was completely understandable), however it's been feeling fine the last month or so and I thought we'd be back in action but it seems almost like...he's gotten used to not having sex and he's just not bothered anymore! Exact same as you OP, if I don't initiate nothing happens...although from reading everyone's replies, it seems being out of work and being injured might have affected him more then I thought...
His excuse is that (he lives at home) he's too afraid his parents/little sister will hear us and they'll say I'm not allowed to stay over anymore. But I dunno, that sounds dodgy to me...I mean not all sex is noisy, and he's not even interested in oral...
Let me know how this progresses OP, would be interesting to compare situations!

kraggy

Woah! Wait a minute.

Don't go suggesting to him that he go to his GP. There's probably nothing wrong with him, especially if besides being distant etc he's not actually appearing depressed. If there's nothing wrong with him, the the suggestion for him to go to the doctor could have an adverse effect on him, confuse him, make him paranoid/feel odd and in itself mean that he will have to go to doctor.

Maybe it's just stress. Just because we deal with things differently to women doesn't mean it's the wrong way. The worst thing you could do is crowd him or kiss him when ye get into bed, or in general. Let him come to you. Even try spending less time with him. He'll notice a change. He'll notice he has space, take a breather, have extra time to get his head together, have extra time to do some things that he enjoys and then be re-equipped to bring full commitment to his time with you, in every way.

It could also just be that you have spent too much time together. Maybe he needs time to do some of his own things. This could be an opportunity for you too. Because, if you are both happier as individuals, you'll surely be happier as a couple. You'd be amazed at how re-learning how to do things by yourself, with friends can bring a boost to your relationship together.

Whichever it is,

Do not crowd him.
Do not throw yourself at him.
Give him a little extra time to himself (it doesn't have to be huge, just an extra day or two per week short term).

Then he'll regroup, deal with whatever stress is botheing him (if any) and then be good to go emotionally and physically once again.

And whatever else, do NOT suggest a doctor unless he is showing serious symptoms of depression.

Edit: on reading your post again, it's reaffirmed my belief that you'd be barking up the wrong tree regarding him being depressed. If he were depressed, he wouldn't have the ability to make a conscious effort to communicate. Communicating takes effort and energy. You said that you've noticed an improvement there. Also, nothing in your post suggests the behaivour of someone who's depressed.

Temporary lack of interest in sex does not equal depression.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies they're really helpful.

I'm not sure if I should suggest a doctor thing right away, or even at all... It might seem a bit as if I'm saying 'you must be mental for not being interested in sex' and I don't wanna hurt or offend him, especially not for no reason, as I don't know for sure if its depression or anything.

I think its mostly his job that'd be stressing him as he hates it. But hes doing a college course at the moment so as he can get a job doing something he enjoys. So at least he has some hope that he won't be stuck in the job he doesn't like forever.

I've suggested giving him some space and spending a little less time together if thats what he wants, and hes just told me that he doesn't want that unless I do, as spending time with me is usually one of the best bits of his day, after a hard day at work or whatever!

I think maybe later on I'll bring up the sex thing in a nice gentle way. Maybe say something like 'You know how we're communicating about stuff better now, do you reckon we should talk a bit more about the sex thing?' and I'll reassure him I don't want to pressure him and that I'd be willing to try anything to help him and the situation.

I'm just a bit awkward and not good at having proper serious talks, but he is the same kinda so we'll be in the same boat.

BraziliaNZ

I've gone out with some very attractive girls that I really loved but sometimes after a few months you're just not that interested in sex anymore. Nothing to do with depression etc. It just loses the spark quicker for some people than others. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you or doesn't want to be with you. Maybe his sex drive isn't so high?
If it was the other way around I doubt you'd be telling a woman who only as sex twice a week to go and see a GP!
It can get boring after a while, so maybe leave it for a bit or don't stay together as often, and maybe try some different things or whatever. I doubt he's mentally ill tbh.

Ickle Magoo

Why not just be honest and say you miss it and try talking it through from there? If it's an imbalance of libido now the initial bunny-rabbit period is ending then that's something you're either going to have to live with or decide if it's a deal breaker.

Some people withdraw from relationships and sex when they've stuff on their mind, other people throw themselves into it. Some couples sex lives wan, some never do - some have cyclical periods of less sex than others...your relationship is still very new, you're going to have to ask him to tell you which it is.

With this issue as with any other, all you can really do is lay your cards on the table and ask he does the same and try to meet somewhere in the middle with both having your minds set at ease.

All the best. :cool:

LovelyLottie

I would never claim to have a definitive answer to what's going on in someone else's life - especially one i've never met! And i don't think anyone said that the OP's boyfriend IS 100% super-duper definitely depressed, no doubt about it. Just that it's a possibility, and something to keep an eye out for.

There are plenty of ways of talking to someone about how they're feeling, and asking if it might help them to chat to a GP without sounding crass / controlling / sex-mad; suss it out gently. Especially seeing as he's clearly been to a GP before about his anxiety and panic attacks. It would be fairly easy to bring up without sounding like you're checking him into a funny farm.

I had a boyfriend in the past who lost some interest in sex and i found out afterwards it was due to depression. I tried to talk to him a few times and he re-assured me that he was fine, but it turned out he wasn't. Don't try to force it out of him, but let him know that if he wants to talk you're there.

The fact that the OP's boyfriend has been on anti-depressants in the past is a major sign that he is susceptible to depression, and a lack of sex drive may be a symptom of that, but of course it doesn't mean that he is. I don't think anyone is saying definitively what the problem is here, we simply don't know.

kraggy and BraziliaNZ - being men, you're way more qualified to say what might be wrong with him than me, i don't understand men at all

But as a sufferer of depression myself, i do know that there is a stigma associated with it. You don't want to tell the person you love that you have it, because you're scared that it might frighten them off.

Best of luck OP.

kraggy

I just read the OP's first post and skimmed through the rest. Granted she said in a subsequent post that he has a history of anxiety/panic attacks.

So yeah keep an eye out for it, but I'd still say don't suggest going to a GP if HE says that everything's ok. There's nothing worse than almost being drawn into a self-fulfilling prophecy i.e. people expenct you to be a certain way, so you change your normal disposition to fulfil that expectation.

Look out for him, but just because he has a history of anxiety/depression doesn't mean that that's what's causing the lack of sex.

bigbaz

did you ever think that you making this much out of the situation will make it much worse? the quantity of sex is all people seem to be concerned about in these situations,your only worry as far as i can see is quality,

take it from a man,your partners lack of sex drive is not a doctor issue,its partly natural as the relationship ages,and hes well aware youre lying there waiting for him to make the first move,which he will feel pressurised by.

when you talk to him next i would suggest you try to reach a compromise where you both agree to make an effort for at least one good nights sex in the week,because if anyone had to choose between one mind blowing night a week and five mediocre nights,i know what theyd choose!

nowyouresix

aplle... I would suggest that instead of having the serious "talking" about it, that you surprise him, with some naughtiness. Send him for example some naughty texts... tell him, for example while you're cooking the dinner what you want to do to him , in explicit terms, when you're finished the dinner. Believe me, this is bound to help. lol lol lol lol