Worried for my brother

LegacyUser

Hi,
I'm not sure if this is the right forum to post or not but I'm hoping some-one can help point me in the right direction.
My family are from a small town in rural ireland and my brother who's 18 came out to my parents two years ago. My parents are great (my Dad's response was "Jaysus tell me something I don't know"!) which was a huge relief for my bro as me and my sister have known for years and, as it turns out, so did my parents. They were just giving him space to work things out in his own head. He was really worried about telling them, especially my Dad, so it was a huge weight off his shoulders.
Unfortunately however some of his best mates have completely turned against him and are almost bullying him at this stage. He's stopped going out and sits at home most of the time. My Dad brings him out a couple of times a month for a few pints and a chat to get him out of his shell but he's completely withdrawn. He failed his leaving cert and last year he lived with me and my husband for a year in Dublin to repeat it up here away from everything back home. He was doing great until he had to move home again after the exams and has comletely retreated again. He's going a plc course and hoping to go to college next year but in the meantime we're all really worried about him. We were wondering if there's some sort of support out there for him? Anything we've found online is usually around unsupportive family's which doesn't really help us. Is there anyone that he can talk to about it? Sorry for the long post, it just breaks our hearts to see some-one who was completely outgoing and the life and soul totally retreating into himself and as anyone from a tiny place knows, making new friends is nigh on impossible as everyone knows everyone. I guess if there's any help out there it would be great

Annasopra

belong to have groups around the country

http://belongto.org/

There are groups in Cavan, Cork, Donegal, Dublin, Galway, Kerry, Limerick, Louth, Mayo, Sligo, Tipperary, Waterford, Wexford

Raytown Rocks

concernedsis wrote: »

.
Unfortunately however some of his best mates have completely turned against him and are almost bullying him at this stage.

Not what I would call mates to be honest.

baby and crumble

Hey OP,

First off well done for being a great big sis, and it's very cool how supportive your family is being.

I second what Mango has said about BelongTo, they are a great resource. Even if your brother doesn't have a meeting or anything in his local area, there are weekend meetings up in Dublin as far as I know, so even getting to one or two of those might be helpful. It might be worth looking to see if there is an LGBT society wherever he is doing his PLC, although I know that's unlikely.

Just keep being there for him, and supporting him. It's a tough time, coming out, and I know if I had lost the support of my friends it would have made it difficult for me. But just know that as long as you can keep him bouyed up about going to college and getting out of his home town and stretching his wings a bit, he'll be fine. He wont know himself when he gets to college, that's the main thing.

You could also suggest he get online on a board like this one, or the others on places like gaire or queerid. It'll give him some online mates, maybe. Just a thought.

ninty9er

I can't speak for your brother's situation, and it's particularly difficult given his age and the general immaturity that goes with groups of that age.

From my point of view, none of my friends turned on me, but one or 2 were a little withdrawn for a short while. What solved that problem was the ones who didn't give a rat's ass taking the others aside and telling them to get over it or they might find themselves being the ones left out in the cold. Of course it was an easy threat to make, because the outcome was a foregone conculsion that it didn't bother them all that much in the first place, they were just a bit worried about being associated with a stereotype, which, if you know me, I'm clearly not.

Maybe it's a bit intrusive, but we all need a little help sometimes. Maybe if your other sister is closer in age to your brother and knows some of his "friends", she might be able to identify which ones are actually not worth wasting the time on and which ones are just going with the flow for fear of being cast out. At that age it would be a big fear in people's heads to conform or be forgotten, it's a survival instinct.

There are bound to be people who still care about your brother as a friend. Not to put too fine a point on it, you seem to be so worried in your post that it gives the impression you think self-harm or suicide would be a concern. If it is, then his "friends" need to be aware that this is the pain they have caused and its potential consequences. It won't be long putting everything into perspective for them.

If they're worried about what people think of them, that's understandable, but they need to be equally aware of what people think of someone who abandons a friend at a time when he most needs them.

oisindoyle

what a great sis you are (and great family) well done and well done to your brother for coming out ,,,
Coming out is different for all ,it can be wonderful liberating fullfilling and for SOME it can be a bit of a downer,,,,(but things DO get better to "nick" a phrase)
Tell your brotehr to hang in there,,,let him check out other gay forums Queerid Gaire ,ect and definitely phone BelongTo....
I wish him well (and you )

LegacyUser

Hi Op here,
Thanks so much for the replies, I'm definitely going to point him in the directions suggesed, I really appreciate all you're replies and posting here was definitely the right thing to do.

Yeah we're all really worried about him and I completely agree that his "mates" are the opposite of what they should be. I have some words to describe but I'm far too much of a lady!
Unfortunately there's a 10 year age gap between my sister and my brother, even though I'm older I'm a lot closer to him. Me and the hubby had a long chat with my parents last night and we've asked him to live with us at week-ends. He has some friends in Dublin from doing the leaving up here and there's a good gay scene (which there definitely isn't back home!). He'd still be home during the week for the PLC but at least he'd be able to get out at week-ends and have a bit of a life. I'm pretty sure the odd pint with my Dad at the week-end shouldn't be the highlight of an 18 years olds life! It's not ideal for us to have a teenager around, we only got married two years ago so he's pretty much lived with us our whole married life! It's the best thing for him though we think, at least until he starts college anyway. He was delighted with the idea and as my Dad said sure he might meet "a nice young fella, it'd do him the world of good"! Ha, now I just need to get used to having a teenager around again, good practice for the future I suppose!

I'm also going to suggest he comes onto boards as well, the replies and suggestions came really quickly and me and my family really appreciate the help :-)

CdeC

Hi OP,
This is an awful situation, you friends through your teens are a big influence on you life, it is difficult enough to accept who you are without your "mates" turning on you. Probably one or two of them have an issue and are turning the rest against.

In this situation I think his goals for college should be realised. In college you have freedoms that you never had in school, you can choose who you pal around with and join and experience almost every activity you can think of. But until then it is a dangerous place mentally to be where you think your peers hate you.
My advice would be, he should get active in something. A hobby, can be completely new. he will be occupied mastering new skills and he will meet a bunch of new people.
Also you should periodically have him up to your place, it will give him a break and there's lost to see and do around dublin.(bus tours/gallerys/museums/coffee shops) if you plan things for him and even send him out on his own it might give him a sense of independence he hasn't felt yet and the loss of his mates might not seem like a complete dead end.
Also try and encourage him to look at the future positively. I think one of the main cause of teen depression due to LGBT issues is the lack of good role models and therefore they see no real future and stability.

I really feel for you OP, most are lucky, but your brother will make new friends and these ones will fade into a memory. Do contact belongto and ask for some advice.

DubArk

18 is such an awkward age for them all. Him been shafted by his mates and ostracised, they desperately stuck in that pack mentality. I’m sure some of them would have no problem been his mate but “guilt by association” plays such a huge role in life when your 18 yr old, it’s hard for them to ignore, that would take a very special person. You’ll be amazed at what will happen, even in a year or so, as they all move on.

You and your husband are doing exactly the right thing and giving him breathing space. I’m sure in time all will be fine. He’s very lucky to have such a loving family and that will always stand to him.:)

akaspike

Suggestion - Try Picking up some Michael Thomas Ford books, I really enjoyed these books some great comic moments that he may be able to relate to and may help him with the small things in life.
Look arounds here, you have so many people looking for help re family and you guys are a supportive family so i wouldn't worry. Gay/Straight world isn't that different - how close are you to your secondary school friends these days ?- this is just a period he needs to pass and then the chances are that he will fall into a world of people in the same situation as his and he should open up. But try and keep him from isolating himself, i think thats the biggest thing, help build his confidence, bring him up to the big smoke and possibly bring him to bars/events with a wide range of people so he can see whats possible/going on instead of what he see’s back home.

Michael Thomas Ford books,

That's Mr. ****** to You : Further Trials from My Queer Life
It's Not Mean If It's True
Alec Baldwin Doesn't Love Me and Other Trials from My Queer Life

paddyuibh

Hey just stumbled upon this and must say what your doing for your brother is great Im 21 gay and havent yet came out because of the fact my circle of friends are mostly macho and im totally straight acting, so have always worried of the thought if I came out who out of my friends wouldnt like that fact. I know myself my parents would be totally fine about it and wouldn't have a worrie about it but I still havent got the couraage to yet! to come out There is many support groups out there on the internet and most major towns as one above comment mentioned in most towns. I too live out in the country ha and when your from the country and there isnt many gay groups and people to talk to it can get really hard. But luckily I had a close friend with me who also grow up gay with me so it wasnt that bad. I can honestly say for him to goto college meet new people and experience new things will be the best for him. I've only started in Galway myself this year and they have a local gay scene (not all that big) but still a scene. even thou Im not mad about the whole scene myself he might enjoy it more and of course meet new friends his still young so has lots ahead of him.Just cause afew of his so called friends have turned there backs on him why? maybe there afraid, dont know how to react to somebody gay with there circle or simple just afraid of him of the face they think his going to fancy them or something....either way there not truely there his friends, and he can do alot better sure hey! they'd probley be runnning to him for help at first sign of help if they needed it so they should now do the same for him....anyway I must nearly have a book written here ha just to say what your doing is great ur a great big sis I know personally myself I'd seek comfort in telling my sister 1st when coming out ha

P .

apache

hes very lucky to have such a supportive sis and family like yours. words would not really convey how important it is. it sounds like you really understand the issues.
like other posters said there is support out there. they have kinda linked all i would say. its just nerve wracking taking the first steps but after he does he won't look back. well done you on being such an awesome big sister