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lacking the physical attraction

  • 18-01-2012 1:52pm
    #1
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026
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    Hi

    over 6 months ago i came out of a long relationship of 9 years were my ex left me for another guy.

    in a way it was a blessing, i often wondered why i stayed in the relationship for so long. she was very selfish & manipulative, and always put her own needs first. i did alot for her, possibly too much and only from ending the relationship i realised how bad it was and there was nothing in it for me, i could never talk to her and tell her how i felt, she would twist any issues i had that there were my fault, the list is endless. if she tried to get back with me i would have great pleasure in telling her were to go.

    yet for some reason i was very much in love with her and felt i could never love someone the same way for someone else as i did for her.

    after breaking up i had no interest in forming a relationship, i wanted to be happy being single for awhile and being myself.

    Before christmas i met this girl who is very into me, we get on very well and is genuine.

    there is no drama with her, no signs of jealousy, she gets on well with my family and friends and they love her. i told her of my past and how it effects me and is very patient. she has done so much for me the past few months, even the simple things she does i notice them and i get upset at times because there things i never experienced before. i am an indepent

    the thing is im not that physically attracted to her, in fact i wouldnt be that attracted to any women as such anymore (or men just incase! :)

    i see how good she is towards me and she has everything i want in a woman but im fearful that it may be a rebound relationship because i didnt get that initial feeling and the past relationship still seems to have an affect on me even though i thought i had gotten over it.

    i dont want to hurt this girls feelings and im afraid of damaging something that seems so good, is this something that can be worked on or am i fooling myself and worse of all fooling her?


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Comments

  • Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 42,362 Beruthiel
    Mod ✭✭✭✭


    the thing is im not that physically attracted to her

    I'd be concerned if I were you, the first month into any new relationship and you should not be able to keep your hands off her.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 LegacyUser
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    <qoute> in fact i wouldnt be that attracted to any women as such anymore </quote>

    sounds to me like you are not fully over that last relationship/break up. I know its been 6 months but after 9 years, it may take a little longer. About this girl, only fair that you be honest with her.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 5,673 Miss Fluff
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    I'd find this a massive cause for concern. You should be wanting to rip her clothes off and ravage her at any given opportunity! In a loving relationship sex and physical attraction is the "glue" that cements people together. If you're lacking that then you're only really very close friends aren't you? How is your sex life with her?


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 185 LovelyLottie
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    I'd agree that you probably haven't given yourself enough time to recover from your last relationship.

    In my experience, it's the relationships where you've been really hurt and you just can't understand why you put up with it (or why you were in love with them so much), are the ones that take the longest to get over.

    This girl sounds lovely but it wouldn't be fair to continue as is without saying anything. It sounds like a bit of a timing issue - she sounds ready for a committed relationship, you'd like to be but you're possibly not.

    Tell her how you're feeling. It's only fair.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 LegacyUser
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    thanks everyone.

    i have been talking to her about it, her friend is going though the same thing as me but more recent, and it gave me a good oppertunity to tell her how i feel but i feel i need to be more blunt about it or do something about it because im not feeling any different.

    I told her it still effects me on how i was treated and im affraid that it will effect our current relationship.

    i met my ex out a few weeks ago while i was with her and it didnt affect me seeing her with the guy. i was content in myself and being with her so i was fully sure i was over my ex, but times when im not with her recently the past seems to haunt me.

    our sex life is great and we seem very compatible in that regard.


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 22,058 Abi
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    thanks everyone.

    i have been talking to her about it, her friend is going though the same thing as me but more recent, and it gave me a good oppertunity to tell her how i feel but i feel i need to be more blunt about it or do something about it because im not feeling any different.

    I told her it still effects me on how i was treated and im affraid that it will effect our current relationship.

    i met my ex out a few weeks ago while i was with her and it didnt affect me seeing her with the guy. i was content in myself and being with her so i was fully sure i was over my ex, but times when im not with her recently the past seems to haunt me.

    our sex life is great and we seem very compatible in that regard.

    I would tie it and physical attraction closely together, are you sure thats it?


    It just seems to me that you're simply not ready to be in a relationship with anyone at the moment. I think that even though you know how your ex treated you, and it was a bad thing, this new girl isn't anything like that.


    It just doesn't feel the same?


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 23 the quick fix


    First off I have been in the exact same situation as you. You feel you can do better even though the person is absolutely brilliant except for physical attraction but let me tell you something. Everyone is a little bit shallow that is just human nature. Its good how you feel this way, shows your actually a pretty decent person to be honest with yourself. If this is to much to get over you must be honest with the girl.

    After all shes brought back the confidence that took a beating from the previous relationship to be at a stage to say you feel you could do better. No point in being in a relationship to keep her happy. Ask yourself if you can get over it and if not follow your heart regardless of her. Although be sure to treat her with respect and do it in the nicest possible way.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 LegacyUser
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    I could have written the exaxt same thread as yourself op

    8 months ago i came out of a 2 year relationship

    Have been seeing somebody else this last 2 months,nothing serious a few times a week
    I dont feel fully attracted to her and the sex is alrite but i dont find to many girls very attractive at the minute.i think more about there personality traits and what they can offer into the future,im 27 and think about the future

    I know that im seeing this girl for the right reasons,the wrong reasons would be using her or trying to make my ex jealous,

    If you are having this relationship for the right reasons why not give it another while.
    You may be comparing this new girl to your ex and that is understandable.That is the advice i received recently and going to give this relationship a chance and if i dont feel anything towards her in another few months then i will chat to her about it.

    You spent 8 years building a relationship so dont expect your relationship to be built after a few months


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 LegacyUser
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    thanks everyone for your replies.

    i think your right Abi, i had no intension of forming a relationship after breaking up with my ex. even though i met a few girls after the breakup i didnt want anything more than just friends. With this girl she was very keen, i suppose i was taken back by her interest in me and i felt i could be myself without being worried about how i would be perceived.

    in my past relationship i was happy in myself but not happy in the relationship as such. i didnt think much of it of how i really felt or how it really was i just accepted it, but in later years i seen how well other couples worked well together and we didnt, it was impossible to talk to her to tell her how i feel and she would refect it on me if i had an issue with the relationship and i ended up becoming numb. it was my first serious relationship and i didnt know any better, i spent alot of time doing things to keep her happy, she was very dependent on me for everything, i would take her dog out every morning and evening, do the washing, take her to work when the weather was bad, look after her car the works, the list goes on. she was very controlling and insecure.

    were this girl is very secure, she is never jealous, independent, helpful and always seems in good form, something i always wanted in a woman but cant seem to accept. unfortunately i never got that initial feeling with her, the butterflies etc. and i dont know it is it just because of my past or is it just how its bad timing.

    i dont know is it just the january blues but everything seems to be coming back to me now thinking of the past relationship of times i had, and unlike me i seem not to be able to look forward to the future or having good times with this current girl or any girl for that matter.

    im not sure if its just a phase im going through or will it get better with time, i dont want to hurt this girls feelings by dragging things out thinking they will improve and end up not, were at the same time affraid to damage something that seems good.


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