Can I get rid of a Bridesmaid?

rosaleen90

Hi
Im getting married in 6 months and I started thinking recently that I would like my sister to be my bridesmaid to as we used to do everything together until we had a fight. But the problem is that Iv already picked 2 other friends. would it be awful to get rid of one and keep the other I dont want to fight with either of them but I think having my sister is the right thing to do it just took me awhile to realise it. Both of these girls asked me to be god parents to there kids and turned around last minute and picked someone else but Im not sure I can do that to someone cause I know how bad it feels.
Please help Im going crazy thinking about it!!! If I was to get rid of one wat would be the best way to pick? and how would I tell them?
Thanks

Storminateacup

Don't feel bad. It's your wedding. And you don't have to justify your decisions to them - explain to whichever one that you'd like your sister to be your bridesmaid instead, you don't need to go into detail why.

Cathmandooo

I think you'd be opening a can of worms by doing something like that.

Why not just have 3 bridesmaids for the sake of peace?

campo

Cathmandooo wrote: »

I think you'd be opening a can of worms by doing something like that.

Why not just have 3 bridesmaids for the sake of peace?

+1

axel rose

Storminateacup wrote: »

Don't feel bad. It's your wedding. And you don't have to justify your decisions to them - explain to whichever one that you'd like your sister to be your bridesmaid instead, you don't need to go into detail why.

Correction- it's the wedding of you and your partner. Do what you want but don't expect to have 2 friends at the end of it if you 'sack' one of them. Listen to Cathmandoo.

Being a bride doesn't give you licence to trample over peoples feelings. There is life beyond your wedding.

silly

Yes, 3 bridesmaids work just as well as 2. At the cost of an extra dress and flowers, might be easier than hurting peoples feelings.. I know it's your wedding, but it would still be hurtful I'm sure.

LizT

Personally I think it would create a bit of bad blood between you and the friend you ask to step aside. If I was in her position I would wonder why you got rid of me rather than the other friend.

I think you should just go with the 3 bridesmaids.

Storminateacup

axel rose wrote: »

Correction- it's the wedding of you and your partner. Do what you want but don't expect to have 2 friends at the end of it if you 'sack' one of them. Listen to Cathmandoo.

Being a bride doesn't give you licence to trample over peoples feelings. There is life beyond your wedding.

Oh sorry I didn't realise her partner was going to be upset at her choosing a bridesmaid. My bad.

Maglight

You could also just explain to your friends that you have reconciled with your sister and that you have decided to have her as your only bridesmaid and ask them both to stand aside.

Don't pick one friend over the other, that will end badly.

axel rose

Storminateacup wrote: »

Oh sorry I didn't realise her partner was going to be upset at her choosing a bridesmaid. My bad.

I would have a feeling that her partner would not like to hurt peoples feelings on 'his' wedding day.

I guess I'm allergic to the idea of 'It's your wedding day so you can do whatever you want'. (Even if those actions make someone fell like sh1t). Maybe she should discuss the issue with her future husband?-crazy idea maybe....

The Cool

OP, just put yourself in your bridesmaids' shoes. Imagine how chuffed they'd feel to have been asked. And imagine how they'd feel to be told (obviously in a nicer manner, but anyway - ) that they've been replaced with somebody more important.
If I was the bridesmaid, I would probably think, yeah it's her wedding, her choice. But I'd also be really hurt, to be honest.

tatli_lokma

I had a friend who got married last year and she 'un-asked' one of the bridesmaids. They are no longer friends, and it caused a rift between other friends as some took sides.
Its not a route I would go down - just have 3

LizT

One other thing to consider OP - if the wedding is in six months it's very likely that the bridesmaids have probably told their friends and family that they will be acting as bridesmaids. It might cause them considerable embarrassment to have to explain why they no longer are.

carolinespring

I personally think it would be really bad form to now go back on your word and tell one of your friends that they are no longer going to be your bridesmaid. Surely you picked both of the girls as they are good friends and important to you??

If you feel for what ever reason that you cannot have 3 bridesmaids then ask your sister to do a reading/sing or even give you away (with your dad if needed)

If you dump a friend you are not going to have a friend after your wedding and do you really want that???

ABajaninCork

I know how you feel OP...

When I got married, I only wanted one BM/MoH. My cousin. Then my now husband stepped in, saying we should ask his niece to be BM. So now I had two. We'd always planned for my nephew to be groomsman. So that was OK.

My nephew's father (my brother) then told his daughter that she too would be BM. Without discussing it with me first. So to keep the peace, I ended up taking my two other nieces as well. A total of 5 bridesmaids, and a groomsman to keep happy! Fortunately, they were all young with the exception of my husband's niece and my cousin, so reasonably cheap. Thank God it wasn't adults I had to deal with.

I would just add your sister to the list and have done with it. Saves an awful lot of earache!!

Happy planning!

birdlake

My initial reaction to this was that if your friends are worth their salt they'll understand how important it is to you to include your sister and won't mind backing out..however after reading everyone else's posts I've concluded I'd be a crap agony aunt and you should probably listen to the majority! Good luck!

woodchuck

rosaleen90 wrote: »

would it be awful to get rid of one and keep the other

Yes, this would be an awful thing to do. I would be extremely hurt if a friend did this to me.

I'd recommend adding your sister as a 3rd bridesmaid or just keep the original two.

Thoie

I'd go in the other direction and sit the two of them down and say that you've made up with your sister, and would really like to have her as bridesmaid, but that you can't afford 3, so you're going with just the one (your sister).

Tell them that you'd still like them to be involved and come to the house in the morning to get their hair/nails done with you. Two extra hair/nails won't cost as much as three bridesmaid outfits. Buy them a little "not a bridesmaid" present for the day as well.

Daisy M

I am probably going to get slated for this opinion but here goes. The whole thing sounds so immature to me you and your sister were so close, then you argue, you pick two bridesmaids, you and your sis make up so the argument couldnt have been too serious. You then decide you want your sis as bridesmaid and is it ok to unask one of the other two.

Honestly you know well what your suggesting is a pretty crap way to treat a friend.

shamrock55

just have 3 of them
my wife had her 3 sisters as hers along with 2 friends so i had 5 lads aswel crazy having that many though:D

tatli_lokma

Thoie wrote: »

I'd go in the other direction and sit the two of them down and say that you've made up with your sister, and would really like to have her as bridesmaid, but that you can't afford 3, so you're going with just the one (your sister).

Tell them that you'd still like them to be involved and come to the house in the morning to get their hair/nails done with you. Two extra hair/nails won't cost as much as three bridesmaid outfits. Buy them a little "not a bridesmaid" present for the day as well.

regardless of how you wrap it up or spin it, essentially if she does forgoe one or both in favour of her sis she is saying that the other two are no longer needed.
"when I didn't talk to my sister, then I was delighted to have you both, but now I've made up with her you've dropped down my list of important people so you're not wanted anymore"

Daisy M wrote:

Honestly you know well what your suggesting is a pretty crap way to treat a friend.

I agree, but it seems to be a common occurance with this group of friends...OP says both of them asked her to be godmother and then changed their minds at the last minute.

rosaleen90 wrote:

Both of these girls asked me to be god parents to there kids and turned around last minute and picked someone else

Makes me question the substance and authenticity of these 'friendships' :rolleyes:

Thoie

Little Ted wrote: »

regardless of how you wrap it up or spin it, essentially if she does forgoe one or both in favour of her sis she is saying that the other two are no longer needed.
"when I didn't talk to my sister, then I was delighted to have you both, but now I've made up with her you've dropped down my list of important people so you're not wanted anymore"

If I was the bridesmaid I'd take it as "I can't afford everyone, so sticking to family only", and that'd be fine by me.

Bride2012

Thoie wrote: »

I'd go in the other direction and sit the two of them down and say that you've made up with your sister, and would really like to have her as bridesmaid, but that you can't afford 3, so you're going with just the one (your sister).

Tell them that you'd still like them to be involved and come to the house in the morning to get their hair/nails done with you. Two extra hair/nails won't cost as much as three bridesmaid outfits. Buy them a little "not a bridesmaid" present for the day as well.

That then may create a groomsman getting the chop too for balance. If it were me, I'd go for 3.

Thoie

Bride2012 wrote: »

That then may create a groomsman getting the chop too for balance. If it were me, I'd go for 3.

Cheaper again!

saa

Depends how serious this fight is, try and make peace
look if she still wants to be bridesmaid isn't that a sign that she wants to make up
if she didn't she would of told you to stuff it surely?

rosaleen90

Daisy M I have not made up with my sister but am hoping one day I may be able to forgive her in which case I would love to be able to look back on this day as part of the journey to friendship again. Little ted I already do think about what kind of friends these are It was very hurtful for me to think for 7-8 months that I was going to be a godmother and then they turned around and told me to take a hike!! But one of them went with there sister so that wasnt as bad as the other one picking someone cause they had lots of money.. I already have 4 bridesmaids but there is only 2 I would get ride of because of there actions against me.

watna

Tbh, it all sounds a bit petty"and childish to me. It's not a beauty contest with the prize being they get to be your bridesmaid. You pick someone to be a bridesmaid because you value their love and support and want them to be a part of your day. If you're not talking to your sister than it seems silly to use being your bridesmaid as a way of making up with her. I think if you're considering "un-asking" your bridesmaids then why on earth did you ask them in the first place? Are you un-asking them because they've annoyed you in the last few months?

If it means that much to you that your sister is involved then I'd add her as an extra bridesmaid. I think anything else is cruel, tbh. I know two girls who were un-asked to be bridesmaids (one of them a few days before the wedding because she twisted her ankle and had one of those moon boot things on) and neither of them are friends with the bride anymore.

I asked one cousin (because it was expected of me) and it was then presumed I was asking her sister, which I had no intention of. I just went along with it, it doesn't make a big difference to me. All I have to do is buy her a dress and a bouquet, it's no skin off my nose at all.

I don't want to be harsh because I'm sure you are really stressed out about it but I just can't understand why you asked 4 people, but now you want 2 but you really want your sister as well. If I was a bm of yours I would be very hurt by it all and I'd hate to think anyone's wedding day was tainted by bad feelings.

nkay1985

So, as it stands, you have 4 bridesmaids, none of which are your sister. Besides these two friends, who are the other two? If they're not both family, then there's no way you can get rid of one or both of these and still hope to be friends with them afterwards.

You obviously asked these four people for a reason. I don't see trying to make up with your sister by having her as your bridesmaid as a reason to ask anyone to step aside. If you're not talking to her, why would you want her as your bridesmaid? If you asked these four others ahead of her, how could you consider asking one or more to step aside?

If you really want your sister as a bridesmaid, I think you'll have to have 5 of them or else be prepared to lose whoever you ask to step aside as a friend.

phurryphace

3 bridesmaids will do nicely

Joe10000

Real friends will understand when given a genuine explanation. These two don't sound like they are and I'm guessing your relationship with them is quite competitive.

The solution is to discuss with your OH what it is you want to do, decide on a course of action and then do it. If in the course of this you have to let somebody down then take the time to explain to them the reasons why and if those reasons are genuine and if the person is a good friend there will be no problem.

D3PO

rosaleen90 wrote: »

I already have 4 bridesmaids but there is only 2 I would get ride of because of there actions against me.

i suggest you call off the wedding and wait until you become mature to get married.

your comments on here are both insanely nieve and show no concept of maturity.

i didnt ask my sister coz were fighting,

i want to get rid of one of these 2 because of their actions against me...

seriously what kind of idiot asked somebody to be their BM if they did something so bad as your insinuating.

get a grip. either leave your sister out, add her in and have 5 (which is silly) or decide to lose a large group of your friends who will realise what a selfish, thoughtless immature person you are.

Daisy M

rosaleen90 wrote: »

Daisy M I have not made up with my sister but am hoping one day I may be able to forgive her in which case I would love to be able to look back on this day as part of the journey to friendship again. Little ted I already do think about what kind of friends these are It was very hurtful for me to think for 7-8 months that I was going to be a godmother and then they turned around and told me to take a hike!! But one of them went with there sister so that wasnt as bad as the other one picking someone cause they had lots of money.. I already have 4 bridesmaids but there is only 2 I would get ride of because of there actions against me.

Rosaleen I seriously hope the 90 in your username is referring to your year of birth because all of the above statements are so childish like something a teenager would come out with. If your sister has done something so unforgiveable you arent talking to her why would you want her as bridesmaid. If what she did wasnt that bad then why are you still fighting?
Cut back your bridesmaids to people you really care about and who care about you. Dont have people to make up numbers. You should have thought all this through before you asked people to be part of your wedding party.

rosaleen90

First I like to start with does this site ever really help anyone?? From what I can see it seems like a contest in which who can insult the person asking for help the most. Just like to thank you all you have made me feel like crap more than when I came on this site. You think I dont know that someone is going to get hurt if I un ask them, I not retarded. Childish isnt a word Ive been called in many years but maybe thats what I am being I dont want to look back and have regrets I dont know how to deal with this problem I have. But what I do know is not to kick a man while he is down. Which most of ye have!! I hope if ye ever have kids you give them better advice than what you have done me. Some of you guys were really nice. Also Daisy the reason I want her in my wedding is because she is my Sister and I love her even if I cant bring myself to tell her yet. You should not judge someone when you have only part of a story it is hurtful. I have decided to leave everything as it is and no that I will have regrets in the future. Unless someone has a time machine so I can go back and fix everything. Oh and D3PO your a bit of a dick and I hope someone can help you with your anger against everything someday!!!

D3PO

rosaleen90 wrote: »

First I like to start with does this site ever really help anyone?? From what I can see it seems like a contest in which who can insult the person asking for help the most. Just like to thank you all you have made me feel like crap more than when I came on this site. You think I dont know that someone is going to get hurt if I un ask them, I not retarded. Childish isnt a word Ive been called in many years but maybe thats what I am being I dont want to look back and have regrets I dont know how to deal with this problem I have. But what I do know is not to kick a man while he is down. Which most of ye have!! I hope if ye ever have kids you give them better advice than what you have done me. Some of you guys were really nice. Also Daisy the reason I want her in my wedding is because she is my Sister and I love her even if I cant bring myself to tell her yet. You should not judge someone when you have only part of a story it is hurtful. I have decided to leave everything as it is and no that I will have regrets in the future. Unless someone has a time machine so I can go back and fix everything. Oh and D3PO your a bit of a dick and I hope someone can help you with your anger against everything someday!!!

if you removed the wool from your eyes you would see people arent kicking you when you are down but trying to shake a sense of reality into your perspective.

your view is flawed, as is your perspective. You came on asking for advise and the majority are saying the idea of kicking to touch one of your bridesmaids is immature, and stupid.

But hey its your wedding do whatever the hell you like. Just dont be surprised when you end up with a much smaller circle of friends after it.

P.S Thanks for the namecalling it copperfastens my view of you as being too immature to actually be considering getting married.

rosaleen90

So calling someone childish, immature, stupid, insane and nieve isnt name calling then?? Hmmm well it sure does sould like it to me!! Since when do you have to be mature to want to show your love for someone with the act of marraige? I may have not been smart in choosing who I chose I know that. Have you never made a choice that you regretted? When you made that choice did the people you asked for help laugh at you and tell you to get a grip or did they actually help??

Sleepy

rosaleen90 wrote: »

First I like to start with does this site ever really help anyone??

It can't help someone who doesn't want to hear the truth tbh.

Have you done a pre-wedding course yet OP? I'm usually not their biggest fan but with this level of drama in your other relationships, learning some coping skills to deal with disagreements with your husband to be without that level of melodrama will be essential if you don't want to end up divorced.

amdublin

No I don't think you can get rid of a bm IMO - unless you want to lose them as a friend.

Do you want to lose them as a friend?

D3PO

rosaleen90 wrote: »

So calling someone childish, immature, stupid, insane and nieve isnt name calling then?? Hmmm well it sure does sould like it to me!! Since when do you have to be mature to want to show your love for someone with the act of marraige? I may have not been smart in choosing who I chose I know that. Have you never made a choice that you regretted? When you made that choice did the people you asked for help laugh at you and tell you to get a grip or did they actually help??

You said it yourself you made a choice. The fact you are now regretting it indicated you were rash.

Now your considering makeing another choice. Which Im telling you is rash.

But like I said go ahead and do it but dont be surprised when the consequences of it are negative and you end up losing a lot of friends over it not just the bridesmaid in question.

end of the day it makes no difference to anybody on here what you do. Howevr if you come on and look for opinions you have to be willing to accept the feedback even if its not what you want to hear. Thats your problem your not willing to listen to what people are saying your just looking blinkered hoping to get enough posts of support to ease your mind

Daisy M

rosaleen90 wrote: »

Daisy M I have not made up with my sister but am hoping one day I may be able to forgive her in which case I would love to be able to look back on this day as part of the journey to friendship again. Little ted I already do think about what kind of friends these are It was very hurtful for me to think for 7-8 months that I was going to be a godmother and then they turned around and told me to take a hike!! But one of them went with there sister so that wasnt as bad as the other one picking someone cause they had lots of money.. I already have 4 bridesmaids but there is only 2 I would get ride of because of there actions against me.[/QUOTE]

This convinced me of your immaturity.

axel rose

I really don't understand what you mean when you say

does this site ever really help anyone?

You have 3 pages of advice, most of the posters are saying that if you do 'sack' any of your bridesmaids you will lose friends. Some have gone so far as to give examples of this. No one here is doing this for their benefit so maybe listening to what has been said would show maturity. You don't have to agree after all it's your life.

Trust us together we have experiences of fights, tiffs, weddings and marriage- But not the level of drama that this story has gathered. We as a group of random strangers are mostly saying the same thing. Do you think that says anything to you? You appear to gravitate towards drama. It is clear even in the few posts that you have put here- My advice? Don't be drawn into it-you will be a much happier person for it.

However if you want us to tell you what you want to hear- Go for it OP!!! They will surely understand/not care/not remember. Ask the sister that you are not talking to to be a bridesmaid. ( I'm not exactly sure how you will do this though). I'm sure your wedding will be a wonderful and relaxing experience .

Cathmandooo

rosaleen90 wrote: »

...I dont want to look back and have regrets I dont know how to deal with this problem I have...I have decided to leave everything as it is and no that I will have regrets in the future...

Have your sister along with your other 4 bridesmaids. You will (and already do) regret not having your sister. Now is your only time to fix things. If you're already having 4 then 5 won't make much of a difference to your budget. You can always get your dresses cheaper somewhere else if your budget is tight.

rosaleen90

From the help of many here I have made my choice and it is to stick with my original Bridesmaids I came here looking for advice from people who have been in my situation. To find out what they did and what was the out come. What I didnt realise is that I would offend so many people. I do not want to lose my friends or anyone close to me for one day!! This wedding has been so stressful already that if I could I would just get married alone it is ment to be about the man I love and me, Not about flocks of bridesmaid and money. I am making everything hard on myself thinking everything has to be perfect. I have no one to discuss anything with and I really just wish I had someone to talk to about these things first. I am sorry for calling you a dick, I was upset and angry. But if you had phrased what you wanted to say alittle nicer I would have thought you were a great help. You dont always have to lash out at people to make them understand your point!

Cathmandooo

Wedding planning is stressful and can get on top of you. Perhaps take the weekend off planning and take some time out.

After that have a chat with your fiance and ask his advice on your sister. You're right, it is and should be about what you both want. Best of luck with whatever decision you make.

rosaleen90

Thanks Axel Rose for the sarcasim. I have listened to what many of ye said and have gone for not getting rid of my bridesmaids. But thanks anyway for that encouraging speech at the end nearly swayed me again for a moment. :P