Breaking point

LegacyUser

Hi all this is going to be a bit rambling so apologies for any of you that read it Have toyed with idea of writing this all down for a while to clear my head but was bit hesitant to post because I know so many people that have more on in their lives than me and yet seem to get it together. Also I know that anyone who knows me would recongise me if they were to read this. I've been trying to pull myself together for a long time but feel that I am really reaching breaking point where I can't cope with my seesawing feelings (tbh mostly town with slight ups when i give myself a pep talk) anxiety and worry.

I would say that I really haven't felt myself, have been down and anxious to some extent for last few years. This escalated in last few years. I have had a few events in that time.. parental and sibling illness, bad car accident (luckily no serious physical injury to either party but I was found at fault and other person is claiming for other reasons), and also moved around that time to a quieter setting where I have become a bit isolated from social life and also increased commute (using bus atm). I understand how these might be contributing to my feelings but if I am being honest I think at times I use them as excuses for how I feel and that the major area that is affecting me is work.

I work in the general area of social care, have lost all motivation for job (wasn't that into it ever I think and feel very overwhelmed and lacking in capacity) on top of which myself and person I work with have let a lot of things slide from start which leaves me with massive feelings of being overwhelmed and anxious. I do hope to leave my job this year and go back to college to study art (a move which I feel a bit anxious about but excited as well, and which I do believe I need to do... its something that I always wish I'd done, am constantly making and try to bring art/crafts into my work where I can but again feel like I would like time to properly explore). However I did want to keep a kind of safety net and take a career break to do this, in case I change how I feel when away/ need a job to go back to/ can get replaced in an area where I would feel more able and there would be an ability to use art.

If I was to take a career break that realistically means the earliest I could leave work would be end of June.. and I just don't know if I can last that long. I'm only back in 2nd week after Christmas hols and am on full avoidance tactics at work- I actually feel physically sick being there and thinking about it. I have tried many times to get organised/ to do lists/ get things done early in day.... but for whatever reason I seem to be blocking myself its a vicious circle I feel sick/ anxious/ overwhelmed by work so I avoid it and then feel the same again becuase its not done. I find it really difficult to work with the person I do (have to we are funded to work toegether).. she is also not great at areas I am not.. possibly worse, and our personal styles/ ways of working with our service users clash massively, we are just not a good fit. Saying that I feel bad for her too but I feel that the way I have been this last while is affecting her too. If I was to just leave now then I would have to be able to find work as I don't think I would be entitled to job seekers and also my bridge would have been burnt re coming back.

I don't know what to do. I have had passing thought of suicide but not in a way that I would ever do it.. just I wish that I could turn myself off for a while. I am annoyed with myself for being so self involved and not being able to flipping sort myself out. While my job can be stressful I also know that in other ways its great, they are flexible and accomodating when I had crisis last year and I am able to manage own hours to large extent.. maybe this is the prob as well, I am not sure that that is a good idea for me in this role. I just am so sick of feeling so crap all the time, anxious, down, worried and like a failure. One part of me would love to just quit work immediately but I know that all this prob won't go away with this.. maybe it could even get worse. I also worry about what parents will say.. they have always had such high hopes for me and feel like I am being an extra worry when they honestly have so much on their plate.. I want them to be proud of me but seem to be stuck in this eternal whats the point/when and how will I be happy again vibe

I did go to doctor last year around October, she referred me to pyschotherapist who I have seen about 5 times. Not since Christmas though. I haven't made new appointment because I really wasn't feeling any benefit, felt that all the things she was telling me I had already worked out myself. I will make appointment to see the doctor again and see if maybe she would refer me to psychologist.. that what she had told me she was referring me to in the first place as she said that she thought I would benefit more from a psychologist than psychotherapist.

If you made it through all that Congratulations and thanks. Any feedback would be great.

Ellie2008

Hey OP,

I think people haven't replied as your post is a lot longer than most I've seen. So you dont like your job there is no shame in that, I think some people feel because of all the people unemployed they cant say anything negative about their job.

It does sound very much like you are suffering from depression so if I were you I would consider seeing another counsellor or maybe try group therapy. Work-wise the only really sensible thing to do is keep on trucking until your career break kicks in so try and reward yourself could you take up something you enjoy like a cooking class or whatever so you have something to look forward to each week.

Best of luck OP.

LegacyUser

Hi thanks for the reply. I know I read back through my original post yesterday and was like... waaaay too long. Thanks for your reply.. I think in a way I was looking for permission to quit my job, from strangers yes but have been to doc and although still feeling brutal I am gonna give it a month.

I went to see counsellor before and she was trying to make me remember times in my life when I have been happy, things I enjoy doing and reclaim those.. just need to keep motivation up for doing them. I work erratic hours which makes joining groups a bit difficult but I definitely see where you are coming from.

Thanks

fungun

Have you done any of those free online personality tests. I know some people may deride them but knowing what kind of personality you are helps you understand your responses. As an example, certain personality types feel anxious if they feel their job isnt aligned with their dreams (even though you might more expect to be pissed off, sad etc) I found that to be an eye opener at one point in my life; didnt understand why i felt worried about little things, and a lot of it stemmed from one or two things in my life which, although I knew werent ideal, I really hadnt realised the impact they were having on me in terms of making me be worried about lots of things.

I guess you talk quite a bit about your job and having too much to do; sometimes what seems like the smallest thing - having a boss who understands you, having an appropriate amount of work where you feel appreciated when you do it - can make a massive difference

LegacyUser

Oh dear,

I do not know where to start. When you were describing your feelings about work it was like describing me. I work in the helping profession (trauma nurse) and I am not sure if you are a social worker but I assume it. What it sounds like to me is burnout. I suffered from it three years back. I could no longer focus and going to work literally gave me anxiety attacks. I was depressed, having crying spells and even thoughts of just ending it. I had no idea what I wanted to do with myself because nursing is the only profession I ever worked in. Working in any caring profession has to be one of the most stressful because we tend to take care of others' needs before our own. So this is what may be happening with you? You need to take time off nonetheless.

I ended up speaking with my GP and then my supervisor and they were very supportive and assured me that this happens often. I was qualified for paid leave and took the 6 months off. I am not sure if you qualify for the same thing usually there is private insurance that covers burnout leave through your employer. Is there someone at work that you trust and can speak to about this? Does your place of employment have a counsellor/telephone hotline for its employees? Do you have a comprehensive benefits package that includes burnout or medical leave? Taking the time off will help you reassess if this is the career you want to continue with or not. I did come back to work but started slowly. Working part time and then back to full time.

I do suggest continuing to see a psychotherapist. Also if you get leave, it is required you see one. Maybe find a different one if this one is not working. If you have suicidal thoughts and you are not happy at work and having anxiety attacks it is not something I would take lightly and to be frank you have not worked out your issues if you still feel this way. Just leaving the job is not going to solve it because once you have a breakdown you are at risk of developing depression again in the future. With therapy it will teach you new coping strategies and it can prepare you for going back to work or choosing a different path. If you are not clicking with your therapist, you either express that in your next session or move on to another one.

Please take care of yourself first. I wish you luck

LegacyUser

Hi, really appreaciate the feedback. I think I will definitely try one of those online questionnaires - I know its something I discussed with the psycotherapist that maybe I am not a person that can be happy when I don't feel I am able/ doing my best/ or lack passion for my work.. I know money is never going to be my motivation but job satisfaction definitely could be.. just need to figure out why I sabotage the work I could be doing though

I'm not a social worker but more in area of youth and community work.. but yes can see that burnout could be part of it. I wouldn't have those kinds of benefits at all and any leave I would take would be unpaid. In terms of pressure compared to working in a social work department or as a nurse its maybe not as high pressure but it can be intense and you can take a lot of worries about how the service users are doing.. and responsibility as well in terms of reporting back.

I went to doctor again yesterday and I think you're right I will try the psychotherapist again, and think about what it is I feel I'm not getting or that I expected and discuss it rather than just changing. Agreed with the doctor not to make any big decisions for a month in order to see how medication she prescribed works and then see.

Thanks a lot xx

LegacyUser

I wanted to give you this link as it was very helpful.

http://www.comh.ca/antidepressant-skills/work/workbook/pages/worksheets-00.cfm

It is a PDF workbook you can look at and even download and print, it's about 70 pages. It is titled Antidepressant Skills at Work it is written by CARMA which is a government funded Canadian Mental Health organisation. It was given to me by my psychotherapist when I was on leave. It was excellent and very helpful. I did the exercises on my own and worked with them with my therapist. Have a look at it as I am sure it would be just as helpful for you.

Good luck.

LegacyUser

unregistered again wrote: »

I wanted to give you this link as it was very helpful.

http://www.comh.ca/antidepressant-skills/work/workbook/pages/worksheets-00.cfm

It is a PDF workbook you can look at and even download and print, it's about 70 pages. It is titled Antidepressant Skills at Work it is written by CARMA which is a government funded Canadian Mental Health organisation. It was given to me by my psychotherapist when I was on leave. It was excellent and very helpful. I did the exercises on my own and worked with them with my therapist. Have a look at it as I am sure it would be just as helpful for you.

Good luck.

Ah thanks a million for that I really appreciate that.. will have a look at it and give it a go