Don't Know if I Want to break Up or Not

LegacyUser

So I'm twenty years old and bisexual. I have a girlfriend and we've been together for over six months. She is seventeen but very mature for her age. The age gap has caused no problems at all between us, I sometimes thinks she is more mature than I am.

My girlfriend has a lot of problems. She suffers quite a bit with depression and anxiety and has a lot of trouble meeting new people and making friends due to her anxiety. She has few friends at school or in general and as a result does not have much of a social life. Also due to an alcoholic relative she has a lot of issues regarding alcohol.

I know none of these things are her fault, I know if she could change these things she could and with some she does try to the best of her ability. I love her even though she has all these problems. I love her more than I've loved anyone (although I have only ever been in love once before this). I just don't know if I can handle it any more.

She has told me several times how her depression and anxiety are much better than they used to be. How only a few years ago she did not want to live and self harmed all the time and similar things. That said of recent times she has been feeling, in her words, 'down' quite regularly. In other words she feels suicidal despite knowing she has things to live for. Her doctor is planning to raise her medication dose but cannot immediately for reasons too complicated to discuss. She has started self harming again, not as much as you used to but more frequently than when we first met. She has a lot of problems with school as well. As I said her anxiety affects her socially. However she also dislikes a lot of people in her year just because they're not her 'type of people'. These two things put together lead to isolation and people doing childish things such as moving seats to get away from her and just generally ignoring her.

Her problems with alcohol are what have affected me directly most. She hates the idea of me drinking and she gets really nervous and scared whenever I got to an event with alcohol. Thanks to her therapist and going to a few places with me where people were drinking and trying small amounts of alcohol herself she has improved on her views a fair bit. However she slips back into her old ways now and then. For example last week a friend of mind posted on facebook that a pub I used to go to regularly is reopening. I commented on this saying how excited I was. My girlfriend saw, logged off (we had been talking on chat) and could not talk to me for hours because this had upset her. When she did talk to me again I tried to address the topic but she said she didn't want to talk about it, she was sick of always talking about it. I said fine but that running from problems didn't help. She said she was going to bed and logged off. This is one of the better arguments (for lack of a better word). She has accused me of ruining her night because I told her I was able to attend a friends twenty first that I thought I owuldn't be able to originally and she basically treated me like an piece of **** for enjoying drinks with friends. When I told her how stuff like that really upset she did stop. However I still know she thinks things like that sometimes and can tell when she's unwillingly holding her tongue. Any time I go out with friends I feel like I am being made feel guilty and ashamed over something I feel is normal and acceptable. Any time I tell her this she tells me she is sorry and she knows she is irrational but she can't help it. She tells me it is her problem not mine and that I shouldn't feel bad but I still do.


Sorry this post is really long but as I said earlier, basically I don't know if I can deal with this any more. I spend so much time trying to comfort her and listen to her problems and I don't blame her for them, she can't control them and also she needs to vent to someone, as most people do but I just find it so hard sometimes. I've been in bad places in the past, I'm in a good one now, being in love with someone with so many issues, I sometimes wish I wasn't. I feel so horrible saying that. I feel that considering leaving because I find it all so difficult to cope with sometimes is disgustingly selfish. I feel like such a horrible person writing this. It's just when she has so many issues that I find so hard to deal with, especially her suicidal feelings and then have her make me feel guilty for socially drinking (something she doesn't do intentionally) I just feel like it's too much sometimes. I have bawled my eyes out so many times because she's been upset or worried over something and I can't help. I've cried because I've been deathly afraid that she would kill herself. I just don't know if I can handle this sometimes. I'm also not sure if I want to try sometimes. I'm young, I want to have fun. I do have fun with her, I do, it's not all doom and gloom. I enjoy being around her so much. I just don't know if I enjoy it enough to justify all the bad. Also if I don't want to try enough, like I'm worried is the truth, surely that's not fair to her. She deserves someone who will try for her, who will help her properly and not be worrying over if they are strong enough to deal with her problems.

Also I'm afraid, since this is my first serious relationship, that I'm being terribly naive to think that this is out of the ordinary. Everyone has their baggage and if I break-up with her I will eventually go out with someone new and find out that it's not any better because better doesn't exist.

I also worry that if I do split up she'll do something stupid or else it'll set her back after she's achieved so much in the past few years.

God this post is a mess but then I guess my head is too. Hopefully you can decipher this and give me some advice. I really don't know if I want to stay or not and I don't know if I should.

Op you are 20,you are far too young for all this carry on. You should be enjoying your life, not playing big bro or counsellor to someone who is not remotely 'mature for her age'. Everything you have said indicates childish, not mature, like all those strops. She needs to work out her problems without deflecting them onto you. Move on

Danniboo

Sorry if slightly off topic, but what are her parents doing in all of this? I presume they know about their daughters depression, medication etc?

Miss Fluff

You poor thing. She needs a therapist, not a boyfriend acting like a therapist. All these strops and petulance and manipulative behaviour (throwing a hissy fit because of your comments about the pub....purleeease :rolleyes:) is going to drag you down and askew your perception of what a healthy, normal, loving and balanced relationship should entail. I get that you say you love her but she is NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY. She is evidently not well enough to be in a relationship and for you to end up "bawling your eyes out" on a regular basis and at such a tender age is just wrong and terribly sad. Cut your losses. I get that you say you love her but you will probably feel immense relief by ending the relationship, as it stands it's not a healthy or happy one.