Brother refusing to come to my wedding

LegacyUser

I am getting married in 6 months- and my brothers refusing to come to my wedding. It’s a long story and any advice would be appreciated.

My sister was in a relationship with a scumbag who beat her pretty badly about 3 years ago. She left him and then discovered she was pregnant by him. My brother told her that if she went back to him that he would never speak to her again. She promised she wouldn’t, 5 months later she went back to him and my brother cut all ties with her.

So fast forward she has a lovely little girl, and is with someone new. After she had the baby she ditched the bully, but got a rep around the city for sleeping around and the family were mortified when naked pictures of her appeared on the internet.

My brother had originally agreed to be in the wedding party and I was delighted, but after the pictures appeared online he went into full meltdown and refused to be anywhere near her ever. He walked out of my nephews christening when my sister arrived, and stormed out of my dads birthday party when she arrived. I figured that by my wedding it will all be sorted.

So Yesterday I popped into his house and he was in great form, we had a cuppa and I had brought some sample suits for him to look at as I was picking them out, I made a joke that he would have to have his suit leg taken up(as hes small in height) and he said “What suit”. I said “Your groomsman suit silly”

He then informed me he would not be coming to my wedding if my sister was there. I was gobsmacked. We ended up having a row, and I called him selfish for not being able to put his crap aside for my wedding day, and he said “Im not being in the same room as that slut because ill deck her”

I left the house in tears. I really want him there and I don’t know what to do !

Beruthiel

Sorry, but your brother is acting like a selfish asshole. It's ALL about him. Not for one second did he consider your feelings in this and the fact that it's your big day.
Instead of sucking it up and going to your wedding because he cares about you, he throws a hissy fit and leaves you distraught.

What do you do?
Nothing. There's nothing you can do.
Leave him to his sulk and carry on without him.

username123

Yes, Beruthiel has hit the nail on the head. Downgrade his groomsman status immediately, leave his invite open, and if he chooses to go thats fine, if not its not messing with your plans.

He sounds like a big child anyway, his sisters sex life should be none of his concern.

Neyite

Let him off. By giving you that ultimatum, he is forcing you to take sides and punish your sister on his behalf.

What your sister does/did is irrelevant. She is an adult and can behave however she likes. She made mistakes, and is fully entitled to not have them thown in her face again.

Similarly, your brother is an adult too. If he wants to sulk and not go to your wedding then that is his choice.

MagicSean

Do you really want them both there? If the anomosity is that strong it will most likely result in a scene that will ruin your day. I say let him be.

I am a friend

God he really is an a-hole!!! Am sure he is not whiter than white.. I would let him off. He is being a bully and you should not let him bully you into uninviting your sister to the wedding.

chickenbutt

She was in a physically abusive relationship and he threatens to "deck her"? Am I the only one who thinks that is seriously messed up?!

If he comes, you will spend more time worrying about what might happen between the two of them than enjoying your day like you should!

tinkerbell

Let him off OP. He's being a total ass about this and tbh, I dunno why you'd even want him there if he's going to be all drama queen on your wedding day - you don't want drama on your wedding day.

If he shows up, he does - if not, well that's his loss. The day is about you and your partner, not your brother throwing a hissy fit because he can't get over himself.

Sleepy

You could always tell him that if he doesn't cop on you'll put photos of yourself on-line too

Big Bag of Chips

I'm sure your sister didn't plan for any of those things to happen her. And leaving an abusive relationship (especially one where children are involved) is never as easy as "just leaving".... if it was sure there'd be no abusive relationships.

Also when your confidence has been bruised that much people tend to think very little of themselves. And as a result can often make choices that most "normal", "sensible" people cannot get their head around.

Your brother is so bothered about himself, and what people think of him that it's actually no longer about your sister. It's all about HIM.

So you can continue to make everything about him... including your wedding day. Or you can let him know enough us enough. He may have a problem with the past, but you don't. And he can't dictate to you how you should feel or what you should do.

His problems are his alone.

I'm guessing he gets a bit of attention for his stance on your sister. Stop giving him the attention, and you might find carrying that chip isn't much fun for him anymore.

Basically, ignore him when he starts. Don't react. Don't reply and change the subject.

Good luck for your day. Hope you both have a wonderful day, that is ALL ABOUT you 2!

Taltos

Sleepy - you have been around PI/RI long enough to know that responses have to be civil and constructive and above all else muppetry is not tolerated.

If you haven't done so in a while please review our Charter again.

Thanks
Taltos

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the answers.

My brothers 41 and my sisters in her early 20s- and it sounds like 2 teenagers

Oh my brothers definatly not whiter than white, he has been in jail before. He is a very stubbourn man, but i am very close to him, he is as sweet as sugar and would do anything for you (he has helped me many times in a jam) but you do not cross him or you will regret it. He would argue with the pope:)

The family are furious with him, but i have asked them to leave him be, because badgering him would make him more determined not to know.

He text me this morning and said "The only reason im not going is for you, because i know myself and i wouldnt be able to control myself if i saw her, id end up screaming at her and i dont want your day ruined, Im doing it for you"

Big Bag of Chips

Just reply back and say... "That's fine. I wish it was different, but if you've made your mind up I'm not going to try change it."

And then leave it... don't ever discuss it with him again.

I am a friend

Just reply and say that it's a shame but his loss... Sounds like he will be very lonely in his glasshouse if he keeps acting like this

ash23

I haven't read all the replies but have been in the same situation.
2 sisters, they were very close and fell out when one started going out with a guy who treated her badly.
Sister 1 is now married to this guy (who has since caused more trouble involving my mum so she doesn't speak to him either) and they have kids. Her and sister 2 haven't spoken in 10 years.
Initially sister 2 was the problem and when my daughter was born she refused to come to the christening if sister 1 was there. I told her that they were both my sisters, I wasn't getting involved, I wanted both there and they'd have to decide for themselves what they wanted. Sister 2 came around and went.

However, since sister 1 had kids with this guy she refuses to come to any family even unless he is invited. This is not going to happen and as a result she missed my daughters birthdays, communion etc. Odds are she will miss my wedding if I get married.

She and I talked about it before and I got very angry because I have always been nuetral and tried to stay on the right side of both of them and not get involved and I felt like she was putting me in a bad position by making me choose. And she felt the same way, that I was making her choose.

It's something we'll never see eye to eye on and basically it's her loss at the end of the day because she is choosing to alienate herself from her family. It sucks but it's nothing I can change.

I think you just have to accept it and tell your brother you would love if he could come to the wedding but you aren't willing to choose between your sister and him.

username123

weddingblues wrote: »

He text me this morning and said "The only reason im not going is for you, because i know myself and i wouldnt be able to control myself if i saw her, id end up screaming at her and i dont want your day ruined, Im doing it for you"

Oh yeah, thats a real typical justification for something like this, 'Im doing it for YOU'.

Nothing more to be said but leave him at it then. Just tell him thats grand.

fluffybiscuits

Beruthiel wrote: »

Sorry, but your brother is acting like a selfish asshole. It's ALL about him. Not for one second did he consider your feelings in this and the fact that it's your big day.
Instead of sucking it up and going to your wedding because he cares about you, he throws a hissy fit and leaves you distraught.

What do you do?
Nothing. There's nothing you can do.
Leave him to his sulk and carry on without him.

Sorry but keeping a brave face to keep someone happy is silly. The brother is being selfish but I think its better to downgrade him from groomsman and leave the invite open. The OP wants a perfect wedding day and is not taking into account all the nuances of family life. We cant all live in a perfect world.

Chinafoot

fluffybiscuits wrote: »

The OP wants a perfect wedding day and is not taking into account all the nuances of family life. We cant all live in a perfect world.

Thats pretty unfair. The OP hasn't said she wants a perfect wedding day or a perfect life. It is not unreasonable by any means to expect your brother to be there for you on your wedding day.

OP, unfortunately there is nothing you can really do in this situation. Your brother is behaving like a child and his behaviour is so damaging. I agree that you should just accept his decision and not badger him into going. That being said, I would leave him under no illusions that his decision is not "for you" and is in fact all about him. Do not dare let him spin this.

Congratulations on the wedding btw

amdublin

I think just let it be. You can invite someone to come but if they won't they won't.

LegacyUser

I've had a family almost miss my wedding and have them miss a christening deliberately and never say hello to the child.
So I know from first hand when someone is being a Pr*ck

You're brother is wrapped up in himself, he sounds hurt to me, in the sense that his sister didnt listen to him, and that he saw her hurt and was effectively powerless to help.
To him his words and advice were thrown back in his face when the sister returned to that guy. Miss placed anger would be the term I'd use.

But he has now invested so much in his position its difficult to climb down. He wont.

The only way I ever see this being resolved is a confrontation and healing face to face between them. How that happens is the bigger question.

meganj

4t5j34n wrote: »

I've had a family almost miss my wedding and have them miss a christening deliberately and never say hello to the child.
So I know from first hand when someone is being a Pr*ck

You're brother is wrapped up in himself, he sounds hurt to me, in the sense that his sister didnt listen to him, and that he saw her hurt and was effectively powerless to help.
To him his words and advice were thrown back in his face when the sister returned to that guy. Miss placed anger would be the term I'd use.

But he has now invested so much in his position its difficult to climb down. He wont

think you've hit the nail on the head here. I think it's very much a case of your brother being frustrated and annoyed at your sister for returning to her abuser. I'm not sure if you've said how long your sister has been out of the relationship (damn you mobile!) but it could be a case of time heals all wounds.

unfortunately that doesn't really help you right now. I think the only thing to do is simply to say to your brother that you know he's upset and angry at your sister but he's taking it out on you all. he is making you choose between your family and to me that's just not fair.

sadly you won't be able to change his mind or his behaviour but you can be open and honest about your feelings and hopefully he will come to realise he is only hurting himself. I am sorry though that a cloud has been cast over your wedding day. at least at the moment.

I wish you and your future husband all the luck in the world.