In an possibly abusive relationship

LegacyUser

Hi, deff gone anon for this ...

I was looking up the definition of an abusive relationship today, due to something my partner said yesterday.
I'm ashamed to say, I think I'm a mentally abusive partner.

I never though I was, but I definitely have anger management issues. I'm quick to fly off the handle and start shouting, I always feel ashamed after it afterwards (I would generally calm down within 2 minutes, but that's beside the point). But can't stop myself, it's to quick, if I went from normal to angry in say 2 or 3 minutes, I could stop it, But it would happen to me in about 2 seconds.

I looked up the definition of an abusive partner and I think I fit the bill, for some aspects anyway.
I don't want my partner to live like this, and I don't want to live like this (I'm if anything more trapped by my behavior than my partner, since she could kick me out, but I can't kick myself out of my own head, nor can I really control it).


i've been looking at counciling options for me. But we don't have a lot of money, does anyone know if there are any free councilling services around, or how much they are (web sites tend to neglect this aspect of councilling info).

MagicSean

Having a temper and shouting does not necessarily make you an "abusive" partner. Have you spoken to your partner and asked how she feels?

LegacyUser

Yes, That's what prompted this, she said I was abusive. It came about out of a discussion of long term affects of a car crash I was in a number of years ago.
The effects of brain damage from this describe what I am.


Exert of article of the long term effects below
Thing is a lot these behaviors I exhibit, But I had thought I was always this way, she says no, only since the accident.
I'm definitely irritable, I've had problems with monitoring behaviour (although I would say I'm a controlling suspicious c*nt), I'm known for my ability to speak without thinking, I am apparently totally sexually dis-inhibited (It often surprises me how open and honest I can be with people (speaking about sex, not having sex btw ).

Thing is the accident was nearly 10 years ago

Behaviour
Family members are often struck by the changes in the person’s behaviour following
brain injury. Initially this may be to do with confusion. Later however, difficulties such as
initiating, monitoring and regulating behaviour may become apparent.
The person may become much more impulsive than usual and fail to think before they
speak or act. They may become irritable and aggressive or they may become very
placid. Sometimes the person becomes “disinhibited”. This means that impulses they
previously would have inhibited they no longer control. For example, they may say
things which are rude or undiplomatic or they may make sexual remarks or display
sexually disinhibited behaviour.
Sudden changes of mood are also common so that a person may swing from laughing
to crying or from calm to angry very quickly. Some people have great difficulty
experiencing and expressing emotions. Once again these problems may spontaneously
resolve as recovery takes place. However where the brain injury is severe they may
continue and a person may have to learn how to control and overcome these changes

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

If it seems that the change in your behaviour is as the result of the head injuries you suffered in the crash then I would suggest you contact one of the acquired brain injury associations such as Headway or ABI Ireland. I am more familiar with Headway than ABII so can't tell you exactly what services the latter offer but Headway offer assessments and psychological support for people with acquired brain injuries and this is free. They are only in a few locations around Ireland but there might be a centre near you. You can find them online if you google. Best of luck!

BarackPyjama

Head injuries can have a severe impact on emotional functioning. My advice would be to get some professional help. Sometimes emotional regulation therapy will work, in advanced/unchecked and ingrained cases, cognitive behavioral therapy will be necessary. A professional will certainly be able to help you out though. It's nothing to be ashamed of but certainly something you should get help for.

LegacyUser

I would suggest what other posters are saying. Go find a counsellor that specialises in Cognitive Behavioural Therapy and maybe one versed in head injuries (speak with your neurologist-he/she may be able to refer one to you).

I had anger issues and used to be a lot like what you described. I work a very stressful job and at times I used to take work home with me which was not good. One of the things that helped me relax and control my anger was not just counselling but also meditation. Start with meditating 5 minutes a day, I now do 30 minutes a day and it works wonders on stress and anger. It helps calm the mind and with time and practise it gets better and easier to control your emotions and anger outbursts. Do a google search on meditation and you will find research that proves that it works the frontal lobes of the brain which is repsonsible for decision making and impulsivity. It is highly recommended for those with head injuries.

Whenever you feel like shouting or get angry, try giving yourself a time out and leave the situation. Go for a walk out of the house and think about and rehearse what you want to say to your OH without screaming and being verbally aggressive. I know it sounds easier said than done but with time and practise it will become easier. Good luck