Jealous Friend

LegacyUser

Bit of a stupid one compared to ther problems in here, but this kind of gets to me and I wonder what other people think

I have group of friends, we know each other for years from back in school. Within the group, some are closer to some people than they are to others and would spend more time with them. The dynamic of the group as a whole though with someone being friendly with someone else, it has kind of kept everyone together as a whole.

Anyway, one of the lads in the group is very different to me. While my life has taken one direction, his life has gone a very different way. While he had kids and got married at a very young age, my life has been very different, college, out socialising and meeting lots of new people, travelled etc. While we both know we dont see eye to eye, I have accepted his ocassional resentful comments over the years, for the sake of not having an arguement and embarrassing myself.

However, I am now at a stage in my life (31) where I have a good job and earn decent money. I can now do sligtly more lavish things as I have a bit to spend. However I have started to notice his comments are more frequent lately. He usually makes these comments on front of all the lads when we are all together, so that if i react, the lads will jump on it, as lads normally.

While I laugh the comments off in group situation, these comments really irritate me afterwards and at this stage of my life I am beyond caring about someone who makes me feel bad like that. How can a so called friend be so resentful of someone else. However, as we are both part of a wider group of friends, it is practically impossible for me to cut complete contact. Even if i wanted to, the lads would be telling me to just relax and stop being over-sensitive and i dont like arguing anyway.

Some of the other lads in the group are some of my best friends, so I dont wanna put anyone in an awkward position either, i am just fed up of being made feel bad by this one individual. Any suggestions on how to deal with this situation?

Daisy M

Try pretending you didnt hear what he said and ask him to repeat it, smart comments usually arent as funny second time around.

Otherwise ignore him who cares what he thinks he really isnt your friend.

lazygal

I find leaving comments "hang" in the air can be very effective. If you're laughing it off you're giving the comments a reaction which is what he's looking for. I've a relative who loves to disguise his slagging/mocking under the guise of "banter" and "ah can you not take a joke" but since I've started just letting his smart comments "hang" and not saying anything, he's the one who looks foolish and I don't have to laugh off something that is actually quite hurtful or insulting.

Pebbles68

Unfortunately people like this rarely push things too far and make their envy obvious. It is always just subtle enough to be able to be passed off as banter. If you want it to stop it is you that will have to make more of an issue which could lead to fall out among the group.

So I'd ask myself this ; Do i really respect him enough to actually care about his opinion? The fact is you obviously worked hard when you were in school, got a college place, applied yourself and got your degree. You are now entitled to enjoy your rewards and good luck to you. He made his life choices and that's his business. It's his issue if he can't deal with it.

LegacyUser

I know the typew of guy very well OP.

I also know that (more than likely) the sly comments you do hear are just the tip of the Ice-burg to what is said when your not about.

I agree with making him repeat the comments or letting them hang, its best to let him feel like a fool when he does not get acknowledged.

Can I ask have your other mates noticed or had similar comments made about them? Has he stirred trouble before in this way ?

LegacyUser

OP here, thanks for the replies so far.

There is a bit of me that would like to just tell him to f**k off, tell him what I think of him and be done with him. I've known for a long time that he isn't really a friend. The problem is, no matter what approach I use, it is easy for him to go back to others and say I am making a big deal out of something and am just being sensitive. If he got a reaction from me like that he would be even happier!

While others in the group are a lot closer to me and would see that what I am saying is correct in terms of how he tries to make me feel bad as it appears he is jealous, they still wouldnt want to get involved in a picking sides competition if I told him what I really think, nor do I want them to.

This whole thing seems so childish, I really don't need someone making me feel like this at this stage, however I am not a fan of confrontation and dont wanna make other friends feel uncomfortable if I say something. Ideally I would just ignore him but this is a regular thing and as I get older I really can't be bothered with this type of thing anymore.

LittleBook

annoyingme2012 wrote: »

How can a so called friend be so resentful of someone else.

He's not your friend, he never was and he never will be. He's an acquaintance who's part of a wider group that you are friends with.

annoyingme2012 wrote: »

at this stage of my life I am beyond caring about someone who makes me feel bad like that.

annoyingme2012 wrote: »

as I get older I really can't be bothered with this type of thing anymore.

The problem is, you do care, clearly. But why? Why does this person have the power to make you feel bad?

He's clearly an @sshole, everyone in your group seems to be aware of the fact that he's jealous of you so what he says only reflects upon himself.

So if you're not in a position to tell him to go fúck himself, you need to ask yourself why you're even bothered about what he's saying.

Personally, I would do what Daisy and Lazygal said, the only way to fight passive-aggressive is with passive-aggressive. Don't feed the troll, just rise above him. Let him know exactly what you think of him. but with a dignity he'll never possess

shinikins

Why not try turning the "joke" back on him-if he makes a comment on hoow flash you are with your money your reply should be "Are ya jealous?" but said with a laugh. My guess is the rest of the lads will laugh along with you. Everytime he makes a comment directed towards you, make a joke at his expense. He'll get the message eventually.

fluffybiscuits

lazygal wrote: »

I find leaving comments "hang" in the air can be very effective. If you're laughing it off you're giving the comments a reaction which is what he's looking for. I've a relative who loves to disguise his slagging/mocking under the guise of "banter" and "ah can you not take a joke" but since I've started just letting his smart comments "hang" and not saying anything, he's the one who looks foolish and I don't have to laugh off something that is actually quite hurtful or insulting.

Daisy M wrote: »

Try pretending you didnt hear what he said and ask him to repeat it, smart comments usually arent as funny second time around.

Otherwise ignore him who cares what he thinks he really isnt your friend.

Spot on there. This leaves the aggressor with egg all over their face. Im lucky in that I usually sometimes have some sort of witty retort. I went to a 30th a couple of weeks back and my friend has a sister who for all intensive purposes is a ****. We rolled with her first few comments before myself and a few others rounded on her. Sterling advice above, cant fault it

Ramza

He's probably one of the people who love to give out jokes/slags but can't take one! I know a LOT of people like that, and they do my nut in. Play him at his own game and more than likely he will shutup! Have done it with other people and watched them change completely