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wexfordgent

ive been on here before discussing an issue my wife having sex chatting on facebook with a local man who is also married with children. There has also been hundreds of texts to him, and some phonecalls (of 45 mins duration which i know is true as phone is in my name)

I found out this has been happening on 20 dec 2011. I have confronted her about it. She says nothing happened, and he was the driver in the contact...... but she was happy to go along with it. She is putting the blame on me for her actions by saying I am not paying her enough attention/ she was flattered by his attention etc...etc. The chat on facebook was like.... this is what he said to her " i want to **** you in all the ways we said ", she said to him " i know"..


I have really tried to get by this but im afraid it is not working. It is the only thing in my mind all the time and its grinding me down. I have only told my brother and parents last sunday 15/1/2012. They have a right to know why i wasent down to see them for christmas and the new year.


This incident does not seem to bother my wife, which is a little unsettleing as to why ?. She is so self loving , i have always been second place to her and her family.

i have been to one professional counselling session last thursday, there will be many more to follow i would think.


I dont really trust her now, and only her actions and time can change that. It just feels to me as gut instinct that deep down she doesent care. So i dont really know what im wanting people to say. Should i just end the marrige , when you cant get by what has happened.

we have 3 children 15,10 and 3. I love them more than anything and i have let myself be ground down over the last 20 years, to be a shadow of my former self.

CyberJuice

dont think anyone is in a position to tell you if you should end your marriage,your really the only one who can make that decision but something is definately missing in your marriage,councelling may not be the right thing unless you being your wife with you and she can say whats on he rmind and you can discuss it,goin to councelling on your own is not gonna help the situation.with the amount of time this contact has gone on for and the amount of messages sent back and fourth and 4 5min phone calls i would guess they have allready had sex,if they havent they certainly will pretty soon unless you put your foot down and sort it out.

Have you made any contact to this man?you need to confront him and tell him to stay the hell away from your wife or youll tell his wife what he is doin and youll show her the messages he has been sending to your wife..i cant tell you what i would really do if i confronted this man because i would be banned from the forum but you should definately go and talk to him and find out what exactly is goin on and tell him he risks losing his own family if you are gonna lose yours

wexfordgent

i have spoken to this gent. i am a martial artist.......



so ive had the discussion about what went on/ etc, he has been told i have the proof of what was said. i told him i will tell your wife and ruin your family too....... maybe this will happen in time. i hope he is going through hell..... thinking will i **** up his family unit like he did to mine.


I am confident from my evidence that nothing physical went on. thats a deal breaker for me.... she would be gone at this stage. I am up writing on the internet now , because i cant deal with this . my wife is sleeping hapily in the bed.

i dont know , tomorrow could be the end ..... this just has to be sorted. I am not going to be dragged down anymore. ive already told my family what has been happening. she has been in contact with him for approx 3 months

LegacyUser

you may not want to hear this, but i don't think telling your family may have been the right thing to do, for the following reason: i firmly believe that what goes on in a marriage is NO ONE else's business but the two people in the marriage.

did you tell them so they would 'take your side' so to speak if the marriage ends down the line? eeeek. i'm not sure how i would feel about that. whatever your wife has done needs to be sorted out between the two of you and unlike the poster above i don't think getting this bloke involved will help. the problems that led to her looking for attention elsewhere are between the two of you, not him. he could have been anyone, he just happened to be THAT guy, if you see what i mean.

what she did was wrong - absolutely wrong, and i'm not trying to make excuses for her, but i do find it interesting that you don't mention how you dealt with her reasons for wanting that male attention that she doesn't reckon she's getting from you. do you pay her compliments? do you treat her with love and respect? do you take her out on dates without the kids like you used to before they came along? did you discuss each other's needs within the marriage and try and meet those needs for each other?

again i'm not trying to make excuses for her. i do find it weird that she's not going to councelling with you. you can't save this marriage alone. good luck, op.

wexfordgent

thanks for your reply. my wife tells her family everything....always has about our marraige. she is totally in awe of them all....... 6 sisters 2 brothers , constantly looking for their approval. i am never put in a good light as its always one story. we went to one counselling session 8 yrs ago........ the family knew before the day was out what was discussed.

i dont really know what i am expecting from councelling. i want to gain back the respect for myself, so maybe a new releationship down the line may be better. i have no doubt that i have done more for my wife than i will ever do for anyone again. i will never leave myself as vunerable. i have spent 20 years in this realationship... 17 years married.

i had to tell my family what is happening. if this all goes wrong i would hope they are there for me. i see my wife been treated well by my family.... knowing what she has done to me is sickening, it is not the same with her family towards me in the past. whatever she does is fair game with them. i am a little concerned that she is not bothered about them knowing what she has done.

i dont want anyone to take sides, all i want is both our opinions to be tsken into account. that aint going to happen though, the family controls our releationship.

the eldest in her family has 2 broken marraiges , first one 15 yrs, second 2 yrs.... so its not a good record for them. oldest brothers wife walked out few months, because she couldent take interference from his/ my wifes family..... so its the same over and over....... and my turn now.


the only way she is happy is take all the money coming into house, socolise like a single person, and i just stay in babysitting and do what im told and ask no questions, about where or what she is doing. her sisters and mother have done this all their lives. its seen as normal to them.

but i am going to be an equal from now on. its either that or she will have to leave.

everything here is good at moment, we talk more, spend time together etc, but as i said i cannot get the trust issues out of my head. it is really up to herself to make it better, which it doees seem she wants to.


when i found out what she was doing i told her to get her stuff and get out, i dont ever want to see you again. she broke down crying etc and we talked through it.

but dont know if that was because the game was up ??? i had proof it was happening.


i am sure not physical has happened.... if it had she would have been thrown out that evening.

i would expect the same if it was me with that carry on , fb, texts and calls.



voiceofreasonhere:

i am doing all you have said in your post, within reason...not to be seen as too needy. everything should only be between us..... but is not , she tells her family everything, we have talked about this before, but she keeps doing it all the time. i cant believe she does this as an almost 40 yo woman

Miss Fluff

voiceofreasonhere wrote: »

you may not want to hear this, but i don't think telling your family may have been the right thing to do, for the following reason: i firmly believe that what goes on in a marriage is NO ONE else's business but the two people in the marriage.

I agree, involving other people and getting them to take sides isn't really addressing the issue.

As for professional counselling. It's obviously warranted but I would have thought as a couple rather than just for you alone. I remember your last thread on this and you're obviously in a pretty toxic and unhappy relationship. If you do think that saving it is a possibility or if there is still love there then I'd advise you to BOTH get yourselves to marriage counselling as a matter of urgency.

LegacyUser

OP your in a very tough position, I was and am in the same boat as you. I found out in Oct that my wife had a affair a number of yrs ago and up until a few months ago she was still in contact with him through FB and after asking her out of respect not to go back on it she does and then lies about it, why? Because he made her feel good was the reply. I went counselling for myself, for ME to deal with it.

I think your marriage is gone but you can salvage some self respect from it. In some ways I'll disagree with the other posters, like me I told my family what was going on. They have been fantastic honestly, one thing I asked them was not to take sides and they hav'nt, because of the kids involved, because they know its between me and her. Also I found talking to a good work mate or a very good friend is brillant just for somewhere to bounce off.
Like your wife, mine wouldnt go counselling, she knows she done wrong sleeping with him, but cant see any harm continuing chatting to him on FB!!!

Find a good counseller for yourself thats number 1, number 2 is find a good family solictor and know your rights on where you stand. Yes there are going to be tears, anger, frustration, and brutal heartache. The important thing is your well being and the kids...I know because Im going through it at the moment.
At this moment you will have look after your self, Stay off the drink..you need a clear head. Eat well, plenty of exercise, and keep calm.
You cant make her change, she has to want to change. And it looks like she doesnt want to.
Best of luck

tinkerbell

Is this not the same woman who takes all your money and blows it all and doesn't buy groceries/pay the esb bill and parties all the time? We all know about the fb thing - you told us that before christmas. I thought you said you were leaving her after christmas. You keep posting about these fb incidents yet your marriage has problems way deeper than that. Has the money situation improved??

Dial Square

Sorry to hear about the problems you are having OP. I was in a similar situation a few years ago. My wife started a college course and became very friendly with quite a few guys, talking for ages on the phone on facebook etc. She actually rejected my friend request on FB so I knew she was hiding something! Like you we had been to counselling a few years before, things improved for a while but began to get bad again. The marriage ended & I moved out a year & a half ago. I now have a better relationship with my kids than ever and am gradually moving on & in a happier place. My ex wife has been having 'relations' with several guys in college since we broke up. What I'm saying is there is hope after separation although it certainly isnt easy. Also, a woman will always deny anything is going on with a guy, even when she is sleeping with him. Best Wishes.

LegacyUser

right then op. i'll just say it as i see it. the problems in your marriage are NOT the fact that your wife has been chatting to this guy on facebook. after what you said there, it seems to me like the marriage was in trouble long before that.

telling other people about the private goings on in a marriage to my mind is just NOT DONE. that she comes from this sort of family is something you should have addressed before you got married, if you could see it then. it shows a total lack of respect for you and the marriage. i put my foot down with my now husband when we were still going out when his mother would repeat certain things back to me. what went on between us as a couple is not for public consumption. she still asks and pokes but now he sees how toxic this can be for the two of us and stops her in her tracks.

you say this has been going on for years - why she told her family what was discussed in your marriage councelling - holy crap - red flag right there to put a stop to it, and if you did and she persisted on telling tales then that was your ultimatim time. i know we all need someone we can feel we can confide in, but there's a difference between telling your sister ''oh, myself and x are having a few problems at the moment'' to telling your family what went on in a private councelling session. there's a line there, ya know?

the BOTH of you need councelling as far as i can see. you to get over the hurt of her flirting, and her to realise that there are two people in a marriage, not thirteen, and the both of you together to see if ye can come to any agreement on how to go forward within (or without) the marriage. come to think of it, why ISN'T she going to councelling with you??? does she not want to save the marriage at all? if her answer is no - pardon my bluntness here, but why are you still with her??? i don't think i could put up with a lack of respect of that level.

wexfordgent

just a few clarifications

from what i have seen, they have never met up. there was only facebook chat,texts and calls. if there had been physical contact..... game over, i would finish it... no hesitation.

she doesent know about the councelling and she hasent been asked , maybe she would go ? she does seem to want to save our marriage. so im prepared to give it a go..... but there will be no more secrets or i will end it. i getting on to much for this rubbish!

the finances are much the same but are being addressed.

Sleepy

OP, it's ultimatum time for your wife imho. You need to tell her that discussing your marriage with her family is no more allowed than sexting other men on facebook or treating you like a doormat. She needs to know she's on her last chance and that if she doesn't change, she's out on her ear permanently.

LegacyUser

I'll repeat the same advice I told you last time. It WILL happen again (I was proven right on that last time) and its very likely that she is physically cheating on you as well.
Your wife shows no respect for you going back to her old ways so soon and to be honest I can see why, it happens AGAIN and your given her ANOTHER chance. Be prepare to be walked all over (you already are) if you continue to allow this to happen without kicking her to the curb

Swampy

It sounds like she has no respect for you and doesn't care if she hurts you. If I was in your shoes, I'd be telling her to pack her bags.

LegacyUser

i'm not sure you need to keep clarifing that 'nothing physical' happened btween the two of them, i don't see anyone questioning that.

but if i read you right - you're having problems in your marriage, you decide to go to councelling, don't ask your wife to go with you, and don't even tell her you're going on yer own?!

do you honestly, honestly think that course of action will solve the issues between ye? cause i can't see it myself. where is the communication between ye? where is the discussing, the talking, the thrashing out of issues? that's how you decide whether a marriage is worth saving, not ignoring each other and telling your problems to other people. her - her family and you - your councellor.

Hank_Jones

Just wanted to say, be very careful how you consider the advice given here.

People here don't know the full story, which is something you should consider.

wexfordgent

Had a rubbish day today. Some lad tried a video chat on facebook to her when she was out at the school this morning. She said she wouldent have answered it anyway.

She doesent know him and she said he has been on her ac for ages ?


I don't get this ! Why would she want to keep this crack up.

C-J

Op this is all sounding very odd. For your own sake and that of your kids get out no excuses!

LegacyUser

There is a saying my family used to say to me growing up which rings true. "You are treated the way you allow others to treat you" I think this may be true to your case. From this post and the other one you've expressed your concerns about your wife's behaviour it seems that she continues to disrespect you. The more you stay with her the more she will continue doing this because it seems to me that she is getting away with this behaviour for a very long time.

I know it is hard to move on and leave a relationship with someone especially for 20 years, but if you continue to stay with her things will either progress into something worse or remain the same with no changes at all. Even if the fellow messaged her and she was not around it shows she is not doing her end of the bargain. She would have at least closed her FB account or block these eejits out of her life but it seems that she frankly does not give a crap. Even with her crying the other night may have been for show. Until you actually physically do something like leave and take the kids or kick her out of the house, I am not sure what would happen.

What is the physical aspect you seem concerned about? Just because she has not "slept" with someone she is not technically cheating? If this is the case that is also bullsh!te. Emotional cheating is just as bad and usually becomes physical. There is nothing I can say to you clearly enough. If you want happiness in your life and meet someone that respects you than leave! If not, continue to be treated like sh!te otherwise.

LegacyUser

please don't take this the wrong way op but i think at this stage you should be talking to her, rather than us. i don't mean that you were wrong coming here for advice, it's more that i don't see how you're going to move forward without thrashing this all out with her. maybe you're doing that, and if you are, fair play. i just think cataloguing her every wrong doing for our benefit isn't helping you bring this whole mess to a conclusion and may be making you feel worse?

i dunno, i wish the best for you op i really do. time to man up and deal with her behaviour, whether that be leaving her or staying with her and working on the marriage is up to you.

Big Bag of Chips

wexfordgent wrote: »

Why would she want to keep this crack up.

Because she's not happy in her marriage, but can't be bothered with the hassle of ending it, and all the complications/stigma(?) that it may bring.

Don't mind her actions here for a minute... the real question should be, why would you want to keep this crack up?

Why are you still there, very unhappy letting her walk all over you? She's not going to stop, so it's up to you to either put up with it, or stop putting up with it!

LegacyUser

You have two options. The first option is that you can continue posting here complaining while not doing anything. This will inevitably led to her walking all over you and eventually physically cheating (although I believe this has happened already personally). This is the option that it looks like your going to take.

The second option is that you man up and kick her out for what is completely unacceptable and REPEATED behaviour. From the looks of things she doesn't give a flying F what you think or how you feel. She is continually disrespecting you.

Harsh as it may sound, you don't deserve respect from the way you've acted thus far. Act like a door mat and be prepared to be stepped on.

Oryx

wexfordgent, youve posted here a few times now, and had some good feedback and advice on your issues. Unfortunately there is only so much that writing here can do for you, and if you want to solve your issues as well as talk about them, then you need to take action on them.

You know things are not right. You know what you need to do. The PI forum is a useful resource for getting opinions from others, but I really think your situation has moved past the point where the opinions of others here can be helpful to you anymore. Its hard I know, but if you want things to change, its up to you.

With that in mind I'm closing this thread. I wish you well in dealing with this, I hope that you do get the happiness you need in your life.