Is it all over? :(

maggie81

I've been with my fiance for over 7 years. We've have our ups and downs but since we've got engaged he's just so cold and uninterested. I've been patient but I feel that it's brought me down now and I'm not at all excited about the wedding either.
Lately things have come to ahead and he's not sure he wants to get married at all. I thought he may have been stressed out about the whole situation but I never saw this coming. He says he felt proposing was the right thing to do but his heart was never really in it.
He now needs time to see if he thinks that I'm the person he wants to spend the rest of his life with. I feel rejected and my self esteem is at an all time low. I'm in limbo, I can't function. I feel the last 7 years have been a lie. I always knew I wanted to marry him and have his kids. To hear that he was just trying to keep me and everyone else off his case makes me sick.
I don't know what to do, clearly these are more than pre marriage nerves. He says what we have is worth working on. But how, I can't make someone want to marry me, I can't live my life wondering what could have been. It would be a miserable existence. My gut says to stay would be a huge mistake but my heart knows how much I love him.
I don't care about cancelling the wedding or moving out, I'll manage. I'm angry that I brought about my own downfall with my constant concerns that we weren't moving on in life, bigger house, marriage etc. But maybe it would have fizzled out long ago anyway if we both wanted different things.
I'm in my 30s but I don't feel by any means I'll be left on the shelf if this doesn't work out. It terrifies me that I'll be starting all over but I have a wonderful family and supportive friends who will get me through.
Where to from here???

MagicSean

You haven't mentioned your living situation or any kids so I can only assume you would be able to move out without difficulty. If this is the case then this is what you should do. Give him his time to think about things but do the same yourself. Do you really want to be with someone who might think you are good enough to spend his life with? No way. You deserve more certainty than that. Are you to be his safety net? Be on your own and single for a while and see if you still want him to grace you with his company.

LegacyUser

If he's still "not sure" after 7 years together, lets be honest, at this stage he's never going to be sure. And that's not the foundation upon which to build a life together.
Neither you are he are going to wake up tomorrow morning& become different people, if he doesn't really REALLY want you as his wife now, what's going to change between now and the next day, next week, next month, next year?
Look, actions (silence, coldness) speak louder than words (proposal), and after 7 years, you probably know him better than he knows himself. And you know, even if he isn't able or willing to articulate it, what he's saying.
It sounds like the only way he's going up that aisle is if he's practically railroaded up there. And surely you'd prefer someone who'd run towards you as you walk up that aisle?

nlk

OP I just went through the exact same thing 3 months ago.

Together 8 years, engaged, he said he wasn't sure.

The best thing anyone said to me was 'If someone isn't sure they want to be with you, then you are sure you don't want to be with them'

Also Accord counselling services are good. You can go together or on your own.

Good luck. It does get better.

I am a friend

maggie81 wrote: »

since we've got engaged he's just so cold and uninterested

OP this sentence says it all... It would seem to me that he is giving you enough to ensure you wont leave him but he is not fully committed or interested in progressing the relationship.. Bottom line is that he is kicking for touch and hopes you wont leave if he feeds you a small bit every now and then.

This is not good enough for you or for anyone. You deserve to be with someone who cant wait to marry you... Marriage is hard enough without being with someone who is so half hearted about it. i know I would not marry someone who didnt want to marry me 200%

You have given him all the control and you need to figure out what you want. You are obviously not happy in this relationship so what are you goign to do about it? You need to take back control and the only way you can do that is by calling a halt to this farce of an engagement (sorry) and see what he does then... I have seen marriages disintegrate when one party was pushing it so dont go down that road. Move out and move on with your life. If he gets his act together then thats all fine and well but if he doesnt then he never would have...

Good luck.

maggie81

Thank you everyone for all your advice. We don't have a family but we are living together in a place we bought back in the boom (a whole other problem!) I'm still waiting. I've moved out for now. It's really temporary and not at all suitable long term. My friends have offered beds but I can't put that on anyone. I feel physically sick and everyday is a struggle. I can't sleep or eat. I'm getting through work but I think I really need time off to deal with this so I'm going to have to tell my boss.
To think I've got to now seperate my life from his and move on in a totally different direction from where I thought I was going feels me with dread. But bottom line I don't want someone to stay with me out of guilt or pity. I've asked him to put aside my feelings and do what's right for him.
I really appreciate you all taking the time to respond and @nlk it makes me feel better to now that someone has been been here. I can't imagine right now how it honestly gets better
I'll keep you posted, this is only the beginning of a long road!

LegacyUser

maggie81 wrote: »

I've been with my fiance for over 7 years. We've have our ups and downs but since we've got engaged he's just so cold and uninterested. I've been patient but I feel that it's brought me down now and I'm not at all excited about the wedding either.
Lately things have come to ahead and he's not sure he wants to get married at all. I thought he may have been stressed out about the whole situation but I never saw this coming. He says he felt proposing was the right thing to do but his heart was never really in it.
He now needs time to see if he thinks that I'm the person he wants to spend the rest of his life with. I feel rejected and my self esteem is at an all time low. I'm in limbo, I can't function. I feel the last 7 years have been a lie. I always knew I wanted to marry him and have his kids. To hear that he was just trying to keep me and everyone else off his case makes me sick.
I don't know what to do, clearly these are more than pre marriage nerves. He says what we have is worth working on. But how, I can't make someone want to marry me, I can't live my life wondering what could have been. It would be a miserable existence. My gut says to stay would be a huge mistake but my heart knows how much I love him.
I don't care about cancelling the wedding or moving out, I'll manage. I'm angry that I brought about my own downfall with my constant concerns that we weren't moving on in life, bigger house, marriage etc. But maybe it would have fizzled out long ago anyway if we both wanted different things.
I'm in my 30s but I don't feel by any means I'll be left on the shelf if this doesn't work out. It terrifies me that I'll be starting all over but I have a wonderful family and supportive friends who will get me through.
Where to from here???

Is marriage really that important to you? Would you be happy to stay together forever without the marriage, or is the absence of that ceremony, legal/formal commitment a deal breaker for you? I am with my boyfriend almost 8 years and feel no want or need to get married to him. He is of a similar "meh" attitude to it as me. Neither of us is staunchly against marriage, they are a nice enough idea I suppose, but neither of us has any strong interest in marriage either, we think it is a nice idea in theory but also very pointless in other ways. Neither of us understand the need for it I guess. We both know we are committed to each other for the long run, so for us personally don't see why we would have to get married to "prove" it.
In the 8 years we have been together 4 couples who are friends of ours have got married, and 3 of these couples despite counselling and work are now formally separated. They all seemed very happy couples for years before they got married, but marriage seemed to change their relationships for the worst for whatever reason. When I speak to them about it they say they got married because they were very much in love and felt that the natural next step was marriage.
The Love>Marriage>Kids formula , or the Love>Kids>Marriage formula for some of them.
I don't really know what happened with them all after marriage, even they seem confused as to why things went so bad. It just seemed to change the whole dynamic of their once great relationships, and turn them into very unhappy individuals. The 4th couple were separated for 2 years, but have recently got back together and are taking things very slow again but I am really happy to see them together again because they were once very happy.
I know not all marriages end bad. Some marriages are great! My sister is very happily married, and I have aunts and uncles who are happily married for 25+ years. For some it just works I guess.

I'm just giving the above story because maybe your boyfriend has similar views or experiences to the above?

I was going to say: Maybe your boyfriend does love you very much and did see himself staying with you forever, but doesn't like that he feels he was forced or pressured into this situation by you and family and friends. Marriage might have been something that he would have suggested himself in his own time, but perhaps the pressure from yourself and others has made him start to question everything, and question whether it was something he would have wanted eventually anyways, or question himself if is he only doing it to appease others. He is probably certain that he loves you, but is trying to be certain about whether this major life decision his own decision or just other people's decision being made for him. He's probably just trying to get it all clear in his own head.

BUT, as you said that he said:

"He now needs time to see if he thinks that I'm the person he wants to spend the rest of his life with."

Did he actually say that he isn't sure he wants to spend the rest of his life with you, or are you just taking the fact that he is unsure about marriage, as being the same thing as him not seeing himself staying with you? He could see himself with you forever but just have no interest in the ceremony of marriage.

If he has however said those words, then I agree that you are with the wrong man. As I said myself and my boyfriend have no huge interest in marriage, but both of can see and are happy with the idea of us being together forever. We talk and joke about when we will be old together, and make plans together for our future. At the same time though, I don't take it as a given or for granted that we will be together forever, because nobody can predict the future. There are couples who have been together a lot longer than us, who have unfortunately fallen out of love, or things have gone bad. That could happen to us or any couple. All we can both say for certain though, is that if you asked either of us right now, we are both very happy with the prospect of being together forever.
If your boyfriend is unsure or uncomfortable with that idea of being with you long term, then there are definitely serious problems which I don't think can be fixed. After 7 years (marriage completely aside) he should know if he could see himself with you as his lifelong partner.

If it is the case that he does love you, want to be with you forever etc., but has no interest in marriage, then I still think that you are with the wrong man.
For someone like myself who has no interest in marriage, this would not be a problem, but I understand and respect that for some people marriage is a hugely important matter, and if you are someone who marriage means an awful lot too, then you owe it to yourself and deserve to meet a man who has similar values to you, who wants the same thing, and who would love to eventually marry you. You are never going to be truly happy if you just settle for being boyfriend/girlfriend if marriage is what you truly believe in and want.

I really hope that things somehow work out, and that after some thinking he realises that he does REALLY want to marry you, that it was just some nerves about the situation. Whatever happens, I just want to say that I think you are handling things brilliantly. You seem like a very strong woman, and you are completely right to say that you won't have somebody marry you out of guilt, you are also completely right to stick by what's important to you, and for leaving the situation to let him know how serious this is for you, which also gives him time to contemplate his true feelings on marriage. Just want to say I admire how you have handled it all to date, and that you should always stick to your beliefs and what makes you happy, and not settle for anything less.

If things don't work out, I hope and can almost know from the way you come across as such a strong person, that you will find someone else who makes you very happy in the future. Best of luck.

Mighty_Mouse

I'm in my 30s but I don't feel by any means I'll be left on the shelf

From your username I presume your 30/31?
Whichever way it goes you've a lot of livin life left in front of you.

Beruthiel

maggie81 wrote: »

It terrifies me that I'll be starting all over but I have a wonderful family and supportive friends who will get me through.

I started all over again at 30.
I was also terrified.
Looking back, it was the best thing ever. I grew from strength to strength.
You will be grand maggie.

Starokan

Horrible time for you op, the best thing you can do is assume an independent stance and prepare to move on. Meet with him, tell him that you have thought things through and in your opinion your worth to much to be left hanging in the wind waiting for his decision.

Issue your own ultimatum, tell him you have lost faith in him over this and that its him who now needs to work at getting you back if he wants you and that the outcome is by no means certain. It will either result in him running back to you or also moving on. Either one is preferable to the current situation. Whats making you feel so bad here is the way he is controlling everything by making it seem like your the problem. He is having the best of both worlds and is feeding his own ego by seeing how much you want to be with him. Don't let him drive this on anymore , take control of it yourself.

maggie81

nnnnnnnnnnn wrote: »

Is marriage really that important to you? Would you be happy to stay together forever without the marriage, or is the absence of that ceremony, legal/formal commitment a deal breaker for you? I am with my boyfriend almost 8 years and feel no want or need to get married to him. He is of a similar "meh" attitude to it as me. Neither of us is staunchly against marriage, they are a nice enough idea I suppose, but neither of us has any strong interest in marriage either, we think it is a nice idea in theory but also very pointless in other ways. Neither of us understand the need for it I guess. We both know we are committed to each other for the long run, so for us personally don't see why we would have to get married to "prove" it.
In the 8 years we have been together 4 couples who are friends of ours have got married, and 3 of these couples despite counselling and work are now formally separated. They all seemed very happy couples for years before they got married, but marriage seemed to change their relationships for the worst for whatever reason. When I speak to them about it they say they got married because they were very much in love and felt that the natural next step was marriage.
The Love>Marriage>Kids formula , or the Love>Kids>Marriage formula for some of them.
I don't really know what happened with them all after marriage, even they seem confused as to why things went so bad. It just seemed to change the whole dynamic of their once great relationships, and turn them into very unhappy individuals. The 4th couple were separated for 2 years, but have recently got back together and are taking things very slow again but I am really happy to see them together again because they were once very happy.
I know not all marriages end bad. Some marriages are great! My sister is very happily married, and I have aunts and uncles who are happily married for 25+ years. For some it just works I guess.

I'm just giving the above story because maybe your boyfriend has similar views or experiences to the above?

I was going to say: Maybe your boyfriend does love you very much and did see himself staying with you forever, but doesn't like that he feels he was forced or pressured into this situation by you and family and friends. Marriage might have been something that he would have suggested himself in his own time, but perhaps the pressure from yourself and others has made him start to question everything, and question whether it was something he would have wanted eventually anyways, or question himself if is he only doing it to appease others. He is probably certain that he loves you, but is trying to be certain about whether this major life decision his own decision or just other people's decision being made for him. He's probably just trying to get it all clear in his own head.

BUT, as you said that he said:
Did he actually say that he isn't sure he wants to spend the rest of his life with you, or are you just taking the fact that he is unsure about marriage, as being the same thing as him not seeing himself staying with you? He could see himself with you forever but just have no interest in the ceremony of marriage.

If he has however said those words, then I agree that you are with the wrong man. As I said myself and my boyfriend have no huge interest in marriage, but both of can see and are happy with the idea of us being together forever. We talk and joke about when we will be old together, and make plans together for our future. At the same time though, I don't take it as a given or for granted that we will be together forever, because nobody can predict the future. There are couples who have been together a lot longer than us, who have unfortunately fallen out of love, or things have gone bad. That could happen to us or any couple. All we can both say for certain though, is that if you asked either of us right now, we are both very happy with the prospect of being together forever.
If your boyfriend is unsure or uncomfortable with that idea of being with you long term, then there are definitely serious problems which I don't think can be fixed. After 7 years (marriage completely aside) he should know if he could see himself with you as his lifelong partner.

If it is the case that he does love you, want to be with you forever etc., but has no interest in marriage, then I still think that you are with the wrong man.
For someone like myself who has no interest in marriage, this would not be a problem, but I understand and respect that for some people marriage is a hugely important matter, and if you are someone who marriage means an awful lot too, then you owe it to yourself and deserve to meet a man who has similar values to you, who wants the same thing, and who would love to eventually marry you. You are never going to be truly happy if you just settle for being boyfriend/girlfriend if marriage is what you truly believe in and want.

I really hope that things somehow work out, and that after some thinking he realises that he does REALLY want to marry you, that it was just some nerves about the situation. Whatever happens, I just want to say that I think you are handling things brilliantly. You seem like a very strong woman, and you are completely right to say that you won't have somebody marry you out of guilt, you are also completely right to stick by what's important to you, and for leaving the situation to let him know how serious this is for you, which also gives him time to contemplate his true feelings on marriage. Just want to say I admire how you have handled it all to date, and that you should always stick to your beliefs and what makes you happy, and not settle for anything less.

If things don't work out, I hope and can almost know from the way you come across as such a strong person, that you will find someone else who makes you very happy in the future. Best of luck.

Hi, the institute of marriage wasn't that important to me, it was the committment. And while I might suggest that I 'forced' him into this situation, it really was never a case that I said marry me or I walk. He did actually tell me that he wasn't sure if I was the person he wanted to be with forever. Which as you can imagine is hard to stomach. So it's not just the marriage. If I could be 100% sure that he was committed to me and not waiting for someone better to come along I'd give up the fairytale wedding in a heartbeat! Granted the wedding did start to stress us out but I was far from a bridezilla and I wanted him to be comfortable with everything. Believe me if it was as simple as pre marriage nerves I would be in my own place, sleeping in my own bed beside the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. Not disregarding your advice at all, just clarifying!

amtc

you poor poor sweetie.

I remember waking up on my 30th birthday with a ring on my finger and a house and thinking I had it made. I didn't. I was miserable. HIs mother was the one who told me!

I'm 38 now. As I said on a different post I go to bed with someone I love every night. ME! I'm not bitter. I just don't think it was the right time for me and him. We've both had relationships since. I don't hold any grudges (in fact I texted him happy birthday yesterday). But it just wasn't enough.

Try the counselling. See how that works for you. I wish you all the best.

LegacyUser

maggie81 wrote: »

Hi, the institute of marriage wasn't that important to me, it was the committment. And while I might suggest that I 'forced' him into this situation, it really was never a case that I said marry me or I walk. He did actually tell me that he wasn't sure if I was the person he wanted to be with forever. Which as you can imagine is hard to stomach. So it's not just the marriage. If I could be 100% sure that he was committed to me and not waiting for someone better to come along I'd give up the fairytale wedding in a heartbeat! Granted the wedding did start to stress us out but I was far from a bridezilla and I wanted him to be comfortable with everything. Believe me if it was as simple as pre marriage nerves I would be in my own place, sleeping in my own bed beside the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. Not disregarding your advice at all, just clarifying!

Jesus I can't believe he said he was not sure about staying with you in the future after 7 years together! No offense but he sounds like a bit of a dick to me now for stringing you along for so many years thinking you had a future together, and just basically wasting your time. Sorry if I took your first post up wrong about him being pressured or nagged, I was trying to see it from both sides, but from what you've said in this last post, I definitely believe you are better of leaving him. You both want different things, and whatever about marriage you deserve to be with someone who knows 100% that they want to be with you longterm, not someone who "isn't sure".
Some other people on this thread who have gone through similar will be able to offer you much better advice to myself.
All advice I can offer is that I think you were right to move out, and that you should make this breakup permanent. I know that is very easy for me to say, but just going on what you have said so far, I don't think he deserves you and think that you shouldn't have to put up with his indecisiveness as it will only eat away at your confidence. I hope you meet someone lovely and gain some new happiness once you have dealt with all this and come through the other end as an even stronger person. All the best. :-)

maggie81

Once again thanks for all your support, I'm going to take a break from this for now. I've found it so comforting to know that complete strangers can reach out to you and care. I will let you know how it all pans out. I never thought it would get easier but as this week goes on my head is starting to rule out my heart and things are getting clearer. If he wanted me forever he would have found me and brought me home by now.

maggie81

I said I'd update and I'm finally in a place where I can see the relationship for what it was. The biggest problem was my ex's complete lack of empathy!
He still tries to rattle me occasionally but I'm better able to deal with it now and rationalise things. My family and friends have been amazing. I've moved out to my own place and life seems much brighter and full of possibility, even more so than when we were together. I've learned so much about myself and I've found I'm a much stronger person than I ever thought I could be.
No one can tell you what to do in this situation. You have to go with your gut and the occasional reality check from people who care about you. I've stopped blaming myself and have realised that he will never know what he wants. His loss!!!
It's hard to believe that this all happened 5 months ago!
Thank you for all your kind messages back then. I'm really happy now and I know things will be ok

midnight_train

Maggie, I just saw this thread and your most recent response. Great to see such a vibrant, positive spirit in your post.

I called off my engagement at age 32 (2 and a half years ago now) and I'm so glad I didn't go through with the wedding. He wasn't the right guy for me and it took a lot of me saying 'I don't know, I'm not sure' to realize what I meant was 'no, I don't think we should get married.'

I am so much happier now, enjoying my hobbies, my friends, my family, travelling, spending time on my own and not fretting about a relationship that wasn't right for me and a lifetime commitment I felt very unsure about.

About a year and a half after my ex-fiance and I split, I met my now-boyfriend and things are great! I really love him But I'm much different now as regards engagement. Like you, I really pushed the whole getting engaged, getting married thing on my ex. I was 31 at the time we got engaged and having a ring on my finger was of utmost importance. But now, even though I'm older, I'm not in such a rush. I really love my boyfriend but I'm just enjoying the time we spend together and want both of us to be a million percent sure if and when we do decide to make a more long-term commitment to each other.

Again, I'm so pleased for you - hold your head up high and know that you have committed a massive act of self-love, stood on your own two feet, and went with the path that was meant for YOU.

All the very best