Should I make contact?

i am robert

Hi

So I reconnected with an old friend on facebook last week. We traded a few messages and all was good. We are both single.
We got texting and after a little while I asked her out for a coffee. She was a bit surprised and asked for a current picture of me. So i took one and sent it.
Her response was "wow you look great, how many sugars do you take?" So we agreed on a coffee.
For the rest of the night the messages were a bit flirty and she started adding a kiss to the end of the ones she was sending me.
So next day I texted her just to confirm the coffee. She came back that she was at this moment not interested in becoming involved with anyone and hoped I understood.
Now her mother dies a few months ago and she was very close and mentioned her death twice during our messaging.
So my question is, how should I approach this.
I like her, was actually only looking for a coffee and a chat at this stage. That was Friday, should I send her a text?
We play the same sport so that is how I know her and I always fancied her.

So do I wait a little while or what?

The Lovely Muffin

If she has said she doesn't want to get involved with anyone, respect her wishes and don't try to force her into anything, you will only push her further away.

The loss of a loved one, especially a parent is a very, very hard thing to cope with, especially if you are close to the deceased person.

You could text her and ask how she is, but don't push the issue of a date, if she want's to date/meet you, she will let you know herself, pushing the issue won't do any good. Let her tell you in her own time.

Good luck.

Big Bag of Chips

I think you missed your opportunity to reply and say "I was only looking for coffee and a chat"!

Maybe leave it a while. And see if you naturally start contacting each other again. Although in my experience when somebody says they're not interested in anything serious "at the moment", it means they're not interested.

i am robert

I did say I was only looking for a coffee and a chat, but she never got back to me.

Maybe I need to forget about her for a while. A bit of background, I am 39 she is 37, far too old for this messing around, but I have fancied her since I was 14 and I guess I don't want her to slip away again without trying to tell her I am interested. From her texts she was defiantly interested.

I guess the death of her mother has effected her. So I will respect her wishes, but she didn't say not to contact her, so maybe I will give it a week.

BattleCorp

You like her but I think you will have to put that to one side because she said that she didn't want to get into a relationship.

You will have to respect her wishes and realise that she isn't interested in you "romantically speaking" but that doesn't mean that you can't be friendly towards her.

Why not contact her in a very "I'm not asking you out on a date" way and see what happens.

Fittle

She was pretty clear in her message - she's not interested.

Sorry OP, but there's no situation for you to 'approach' . Move on and save yourself some heartache.

LovelyLottie

In general, when people are trying to let the other person down gently, they say they don't want or can't handle a relationship at the moment. It's easier than saying "I don't want a relationship with you".

I've said this myself. And it's not always done in a devious or dishonest way. You're not overly interested in the person and don't want a relationship. With them. But if someone came along who you were really interested in, it's possible that you might be in the form for a relationship again.

She's from your past. Leave it there. You're idealising her and imagining she's the one who got away simply because there's no-one else for you to focus on at the moment. You should try to accept that she doesn't want a relationship or anything romantic with you, if she changes her mind she always knows where to find you. Good luck.

kryogen

People will, alot of the time sugar coat things to protect others feelings.

The truth is she is more then likely not interested in you at all and is just trying to let you down gently, if she had no interest in getting involved with anyone why ask you for a picture at all?

On the very very slight chance that she is really just not in the place to get involved with anyone right now there is nothing else you can do but let it be anyway.

You have nothing to gain by pursuing this further right now, or ever imho.

Romantically I dont give you a shot, sorry to be blunt, but if you genuinely wouldnt mind just being friends, with no secret hope of it turning int something more, then Im sure you can build a friendship

Overheal

LovelyLottie wrote: »

In general, when people are trying to let the other person down gently, they say they don't want or can't handle a relationship at the moment. It's easier than saying "I don't want a relationship with you".

I've said this myself. And it's not always done in a devious or dishonest way. You're not overly interested in the person and don't want a relationship. With them. But if someone came along who you were really interested in, it's possible that you might be in the form for a relationship again.

And it's the most mind-boggling thing to be told, ever. Especially when she does in fact, go off moments later and hit it off with someone else. Entire episode put me off dating for 4 years. That was a lot of trust that I placed in someone's honesty that I got completely thrown back at me, and mutilated horribly in the process.

I am just throwing it out there: Nobody should ever try to fabricate this reason. Honesty, even if it hurts, never hurts as bad as the lies and never for nearly as long.

LovelyLottie

Just to be clear, i didn't mean to imply that it's ok to say "I don't want a relationship" if you're really just not attracted to or interested in the person. I was just owning up to having been guilty of saying this a few times in my life. In fact on one of the occasions i really didn't know if it was the person or what, i didn't know what the real reason was, but something just didn't feel right.

Of course honesty is always best, and Overheal you're totally right - if someone tells you the truth, ultimately it hurts less in the long run and it allows you to move on quicker. Lies leave you confused and pondering a situation much more than you would have if you'd just been told the painful truth.

Unfortunately, however, some guys and girls make it hard for people to tell them the truth (making you feel guilty etc.), and then others of us chicken out sometimes cos it's never nice being the bad guy...

i am robert

Well I gave it a week and tried again. BINGO! We are chatting away and getting on fine.

Might get a date out of this!

Big Bag of Chips

You've only started chatting again! Don't go rushing into the date thing, cos you'll either frighten her off, OR, she'll enjoy the attention she gets from turning you down, for you to keep coming back a week later to try again.

I wouldn't mention it... at all. If she wants a date, she knows you're interested!

i am robert

Well it's working, she's asked me out for a coffee! Nice one!

LovelyLottie

i am robert wrote: »

Well it's working, she's asked me out for a coffee! Nice one!

Keep us posted on how this progresses! I'm intrigued

Kinky Slinky

Bit weird that she asked for a picture of OP.

saa

i am robert wrote: »

She came back that she was at this moment not interested in becoming involved with anyone and hoped I understood.
Now her mother dies a few months ago and she was very close

Because she needs support at this time, but she has told you she is not interested and grief does not change how she really feels about someone.

That just doesn't seem like playing hard to get by telling someone they are not interested and she hopes you understand, now she needs a shoulder to cry on I get the feeling you're in the friend zone.

I've been there and no matter how much you flirt it gets to the point where if they really were interested they would have taken up the previous offer, take it any further and you say I like you and she says I thought we were just friends and I thought you understood.

Just one theory.

D-FENS

Kinky Slinky wrote: »

Bit weird that she asked for a picture of OP.

Not weird, just shallow, I think.

When your looks are a deal-breaker, even for a coffee, you’re better off well out of it.

gypsy_rose

D-FENS wrote: »

Not weird, just shallow, I think.

When your looks are a deal-breaker, even for a coffee, you’re better off well out of it.

I wouldn't say so, she hasn't seen him in a while and you don't want to go leading someone on, meeting up with them and then realising only when you meet that they're not your type. Good luck OP!