Crimes against bicycles - a confessional

doozerie

I confess, I have recently committed a crime against one of my bikes. I needed to replace the threaded headset on one of my commute bikes, which I'd neglected for at least 10 years. In previous half-hearted attempts to open or simply adjust the headset my spanners had dug out chunks of alloy from the locknut when they'd slipped off as I put some hernia-inducing effort in. It didn't bode well. Imagine my relief then when after only minimal sweating and without turning the air blue around me I felt the nut loosen at the first attempt. Deadly, it was going to be a productive and short piece of work after all, I just needed to remove the stem (a trusty Cinelli one) and I'd be sucking diesel. Sure I'd only adjusted the stem last about a year ago so that was going to pose no problems.

The allen key went in, the stem bolt loosened, a quick tap of a hammer released the expanding nut from the inside of the stem. All that remained was to pull the stem out. *tug*. Nothing. *yank*. Nothing. *twist*. Nothing. *YANKITY TWISTY TUG*. Nothing. Balls! I'm not particulary precious about my bikes, aesthetics falls down my list of priorities, and so it was that I reached for the hammer. It's okay though, it's a hefty hammer but it has nylon faces. *bang* on the top of the stem. *twist*. Nothing. It escalated to *BANG BANG BANG* on the top of the stem, followed by *TWIST BANG TWIST*. Nothing.

At this point my concerns about the front wheel were taking a back seat to a determination not to be outdone by a bleedin' stem/fork issue. So, bracing the front wheel with my legs and feet I swung from the handlebars (started with the brake hoods but they started moving...) trying to twist the stem one way and then the other. Maybe an hour into the whole procedure I heard that delightful creak of metal moving against metal. Victory! Some more violent twisting and I was able to replicate the noise when twisting in the other direction. From there on in it's just a matter of patient rocking back and forth to release a seized part. Usually. Not this time. It took all my strength to move the stem by what seemed to be exactly the same small amount each time in each direction. 30 minutes or so of this lack of progress had me reaching for the hammer again and applying some less than gentle persuasion directly to either side of the stem. Bits of rusted bearings fell out from the loosened headset, the vibrations removed some dirt and grit elswhere on the frame which had been carefully accrued over years of manky commute roads, but did the stem move one little bit more? Did it fook! The Cinelli badge did fly off the front face of the stem though, which counts as progress of sorts, 'twas like drawing blood from the bastard.

I moved me plus bike outside into the cold of the back yard. I reckoned I'd be kept warm enough by my application of violence and the noise was starting to reach nosebleed proportions in the confines of the kitchen. My hammering became more "determined", the bike responded with a slightly louder creak than before but no apparent progress. Then the front skewer snapped. I wasn't entirely surprised, it was over 20 years old and had been in poor health for the last few years. I replaced it with another skewer and resumed the battle. And it was a battle by now, it was simply a question of whether me or the bike would crack first. The second skewer bent. It was while dealing with that that I noticed the dropouts were a littled less than parallel. Or, more succinctly, they were fooked! The promising creaking that I'd been hearing suddenly seemed a lot less promising and a lot more ominous, it was probably the creaking of the skewer against dropouts as the dropouts flopped about as metal shouldn't. I hadn't exactly killed my (steel) forks but I'd certainly fatally wounded them. I didn't check this morning but I expect they passed away during the night at the ripe old age of 20 years.

My stem didn't exactly come through unscathed either. The nylon hammer faces had saved it pretty well from anything more than very minor cosmetic damage but the 12-inch adjustable spanner hadn't been so kind - forgot to mention that, 'twas a fairly low point when I reached for that from the toolbox, I knew that multiple layers of folded inner tube wouldn't offer a whole lot of protection when sandwiched between immovable metal and determined-to-move metal but I was a desperate man, what can I say. At least I only scarred the stem, I didn't kill it. Yet - it remains stuck inside the forks so I'm still not done with it.

I've served my penance though, of sorts. Gripping the wheel with my legs has left me with an interesting series of bruises on large areas on the insides of both legs. Some of the bruises are rim sized/shaped, some match the skewer, others match the spokes. I couldn't disguise them when walking past my other bikes today and they pretended to look away and flinched when I glanced at them. Once of them leaked some oil onto the floor. I've badly wounded one of their kind, they may never trust me again.

Anyone else have tales of bike abuse? It might be therapeutic to hear of other peoples' crimes.

NamelessPhil

You forgot about the assistance from the toddler. She doesn't seem to have learned any new words in the process.

doozerie

NamelessPhil wrote:

You forgot about the assistance from the toddler. She doesn't seem to have learned any new words in the process.

She actually assisted with some of the hammering, though whether her gentleness was out of respect for the stem that she was hitting or whether it was simply due to lack of hammering practice, is hard to tell. It was the beginning of a life of either tenderly looking after bikes or of beating them into submission. Time will tell, but in the meantime I might be inclined to keep my other bikes out of her reach. ...and maybe mine too.

Actually her intervention saved the bike from being unceremoniously flung to the far end of the garden at one point (yes, I considered doing a David Millar). It's hard to channel your rage into any coherent action though when you hear your 2yr old absent-mindedly saying "It's been a lovely day!" in the background.

seamus

I have removed both a crankset and a fork (cutting through the steerer tube) using the cutting disc on a dremel.

I don't have much patience for seized parts. If I can't get it apart using relatively insane amounts of force in about 15 minutes, then the part is for the scrapheap and use of the dremel is justified.

lennymc

you need a bigger hammer.

kenmc

lennymc wrote: »

you need a bigger hammer.

Seamus that's an angle grinder he's talking about

Holyboy

This thread is going to make me very sad indeed

tomasrojo

Holyboy wrote: »

This thread is going to make me very sad indeed

[SIZE=-2][Outside Auto Shop]

(Jerry looks a touch anxious as Tony approaches. Tony is still real intense.)

JERRY: Hey, Tony.

TONY: Thanks for coming in, Jerry.

JERRY: Sure.

TONY: I think I know what's goin' on here, and I just wanna hear it from you. But I want you to be straight with me. Don't lie to me, Jerry. You know that motor oil you're puttin' in there? (reproachful) From one of those quicky lube places, isn't it?

JERRY: Well, I change it so often, I mean to come all the way down here...

TONY: Jerry, motor oil is the lifeblood of a car. Okay, you put in a low-grade oil, you could damage vital engine parts. Okay. (holds up component) See this gasket? (throws it down) I have no confidence in that gasket.

JERRY: I really wanna...

TONY: Here's what I wanna do. I wanna overhaul the entire engine. But it's gonna take a major commitment from you. You're gonna have to keep it under sixty miles an hour for a while. You gotta come in, and you gotta get the oil changed every thousand miles.

JERRY: How much money is this gonna cost me?

TONY: (contempt) Huh. I don't understand you. It's your own car we're talking about. You know you wrote the wrong mileage down on the form? You barely know the car. You don't know the mileage, you don't know the tyre pressure. When was the last time you even checked the washer fluid?

JERRY: The washer fluid is fine.

TONY: (angry) The washer fluid is not fine!

JERRY: Alright, you know what, uhm... I just wanna take my car, and I'm gonna bring it someplace else.

TONY: What d'you mean?

JERRY: Just, can I have my car? I wanna pay my bill, I'm gonna be on my way.

TONY: Well, the car's on a lift.

JERRY: Well, just get it down.

TONY: (subdued) Alright. Okay. Well, uhm, wait here and I'll uh, I'll bring it around.

JERRY: Okay. Thank you, very much.

(Tony walks away into the auto shop. Elaine arrives.)

ELAINE: Hey. Where's the car?

JERRY: He's bringing it.

ELAINE: Good.

(There is the sound of a car starting up, then a squeal of tires and Jerry's Saab emerges from the auto shop at high speed. It passes Jerry and Elaine and Races away down the street. They stare open-mouthed after the car, and at each other in astonishment.)[/SIZE]

http://www.seinology.com/scripts/script-131.shtml

doozerie

Holyboy wrote: »

This thread is going to make me very sad indeed

It probably won't help then when I say that I (and my daughter) took a (smaller) hammer to an OpenPro rim before I tackled the frame. Mind you, that was about the only thing I could do in an effort to minimise a significant dent on each rim wall (incurred by hitting the leading edge of a water filled pothole). It reduced the severity of the bump, and sandpaper helped further, but it didn't eliminate it completely so whiplash remains a distinct possibility when I next ride on it and apply the brakes.

My house was quite the Little Bike Shop Of Horrors for the day.

Holyboy

doozerie wrote: »

It probably won't help then when I say that I (and my daughter) took a (smaller) hammer to an OpenPro rim before I tackled the frame. Mind you, that was about the only thing I could do in an effort to minimise a significant dent on each rim wall (incurred by hitting the leading edge of a water filled pothole). It reduced the severity of the bump, and sandpaper helped further, but it didn't eliminate it completely so whiplash remains a distinct possibility when I next ride on it and apply the brakes.

My house was quite the Little Bike Shop Of Horrors for the day.

Oh dear God, stop the madness, WON'T SOME ONE PLEASE STOP THE MADNESS!!!

smacl

Some things take just one more tap of the hammer;

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1IL22sLF25s