When is the best time to tell

LegacyUser

Going unreg for this as its a very sensitive issue, our marriage of 20 plus is near the end due to a number of different issues on major one is trust issues and a past history of infedility. The problem is when to tell our children 23 and 18 that the marriage is over and to what extent the details should be told?. Both children are fairly well clued into that there are issues but not the exact reasons. My partner says just tell them that we are splitting, mine is tell them everything because questions will be asked. The 18 year old is doing the leaving cert this year.

Beruthiel

Your children will not be surprised that ye are splitting up.
I do not believe they need to know every detail of their parents relationship.
They already know you are not getting on, so if they ask questions, be as vague as is possible. This will protect their relationship with both parents.
Your 18 year old may need some assurance that their LC will not be disrupted.
Best of luck.

Big Bag of Chips

Yep, I don't think children (regardless of age) need to be included in every aspect of their parent's relationship.

I am assuming, apologies if I'm wrong, that you didn't do the cheating? And maybe you wanting to tell the children is so they don't blame you for the split, but know its down to your partner's behaviour??

Again, I may be way off there.

They don't need to know the nitty gritty. You are both still their parents and they will still love you both regardless. To lay the blame on 1 person, is, imo, unfair on the kids.

Are they then expected to take sides?

Decide on what to tell them, and stick to it. Both of you.

Daisy M

From the sounds of it you have been planning this for some time. From your youngest childs point of view it would be fairer to leave it until after their exams before making the announcement. Nobody here can tell you how well they will or wont accept the breakup. Just because things have been bad for a while it doesnt mean they will automatically assume you will break up they may actually just think this is the way your relationship is and that you accept this.

I dont know if the children need to know all the nitty gritty details of your breakup. Who would benefit from them knowing, the "innocent" parent? How will that affect their relationship with the other parent do they really need to be put in a position where they are forced to defend the parent who has been treated badly?

greenprincess

I agree with Daisy, I think you should wait until after the LC its not that much longer if things have been bad for a while. Its such a stressful time as it is and you dont really know how they will react.

Nesie

In was 21 when my parents split...my mother still blames herself for how my sister did in her LC. If it is possible you might want to wait. It might just makes thinks a little easier on you in the long run.

Tell the kids a minimum of details and def not the whole thing...not their business and they really don't need or want to know. Whats important is how things work from that moment on and you will need to explain that to your children. Will you still be living in the same house? Will you still have family dinners? You and your partners seem to be discussing the split which at least is something.

LegacyUser

I don't think you should go into the details about the infidelity, it might leave them with trust issues in their own future relationships, and there will be a blaming and taking sides element to it.
I suppose someone could also argue though,that telling them the truth would teach them how serious cheating it, and learn that they don't have to stay or put up with it in any future relationship of their own, but I just don't think it's absolutely necessary, as a split will already teach them that breakups are ok if people are unhappy regardless of what the reason is. I just don't think you have to tell them all the cheating details. You are their parents and this could really affect their confidence and trust in whoever cheated.

You will have to tell them something though! You can't just say "we're splitting up" and that's that. Of course they are going to have lots of questions. You could just say that you have grown apart/fallen out of love/ have changed too much as people as ye have got older/ have too many irreconcilable differences/ or complete incompatibility etc

Whatever you decide to tell them, make sure that they know whatever happens, you both love them unconditionally, and that nomatter what happens between you and your wife, you are still both going to be a united team as parents when it comes to supporting, and loving them, and you and your wife will have to try to be on somewhat friendly terms at least.

If you and your wife are constantly fighting and arguing, then maybe the split would be best now. If however you are able to remain civil to each other, then I would suggest you try to stick it out just a few more months until after your child's leaving cert. This could have a huge affect on their performance, and if it is at all possible to wait a bit longer then I think you should.
As I said though constant fighting and arguments in the home could also possibly affect exam performance, so if you and your wife are not able to remain civil then the split would be best now.

LegacyUser

Coming from a home where my parents seperated when I was 19 - my view would be to tell them as much as you can. We were drip fed information and as time went on more and more came out about my parents marriage which really played havoc with my feelings towards them. I have no relationship at all with my Father although I get on well with my Mother now. Your children don't need to know every aspect of your marriage breakdown but if it was as a result of trust breaking down or infidelity well then say so. There are lessons to learn from everything that happens in life. They are old enough to understand. Make sure however you don't treat your child as your confidant expressing all your feelings towards your spouse as this is negative and as such can be seen as passive aggressive. It's not your child's marriage nor is it their fult that it broke down.
Sorry for the warbling but I had to do a lot of work on myself to figure out why I felt a certain way about my parents. Wondering why there wasn't a clear message and having to work out the reasons they behaved as they did was pretty head wrecking.