Mind games/mind control

LegacyUser

I had this happen to me years ago:

I was dating a guy in college. After college, he went home to his home and my neighbouring county. At some stage he must have decided that he wasn't interested in me any more. Instead of being
1) open and honest with me and telling me where I stood, or
2) blanking me and fading into the background (which is a terrible way of letting things go IMO)
He played head games with me.

Head games of empty lies. Like, we would have had plans to meet up and he would cancel at the last minute or not at all. I'd get p1ssed off. He'd contact me telling me an excuse and that he was sorry and that he loved me. I'd forgive him and things would be lovey dovey in texts. And we'd make plans for meeting up for another weekend. For the same thing to happen all over again. That went on for months. During this time he led me to believe that we had a relationship and a future together when in reality and I was too blind to see it there was nothing there from him.

Now I know I was to blame too in that I allowed the situation to continue. I was young and foolish and completely in love with him. I knew things weren't right and believed his empty lies in the hope that things would change and go back to how things were between us (we dated for nine months). He came across as genuine with his apologies and excuses.

I learned that if he was genuine he would have made more of an effort with me instead of letting me down time and time again and upsetting me.

Why do some people behave like this?

Has anybody else received similar treatment?

Fast forward to 2011 and the reason I brought the past up above is that I had something very similar happen to me within the past couple of months with someone new. It was casual between us so thankfully not deep and I admired him and his hunour.

He got my hopes up in a few different ways. A tiny spark was lit, and I'd get a little excited and giddy inside. But he would fall flat on his words and not follow through leaving me disappointed. I played things cool and casual until after a period of no contact, he contacted me with no doubt more empty words. An intention of wanting to see me again but he couldn't yet give me a date for seeing each other. I brought things up for chatting and he fecked off on me, after he issued a half assed, insincere, vague and brief apology and excuse.

In hindsight, he clearly wasn't interested in me in any shape or form but that didn't stop him from messing and playing with my mind.

I'm trying to understand and trying to figure out why someone behaves like that.

IrishEyes19

Hi, OP, the same situation happened to me, just like the first guy you described, I endured the same thing and it really rocked me to say the least.
There's no real answer to why people act like this. Some people dont want to let a "relationship" go. Its often easy to have someone there when you're feeling low and I really believe that some people drain off on others during these times. Especially when you really like someone and they know that, they know you will listen to their excuses and sob stories.

Others then are too afraid to end it properly, so letting it fade into nothing or keep a pseudo relationship going is a lot easier than doing the right thing.

But I think for your own peace of mind, you need to stop wondering why people are like this and focus on what you are prepared to accept and tolerate. This isnt a slight on your character by the way, we're all guilty of it. I tolerated all the lies and excuses and sob stories from a guy because I really loved him and I wanted to believe that he was really being honest with me and cared. It took a sharp reality check to realise no one should ever make you feel that bad or put so little effort into making you happy, when you would walk on fire for them.

I also learnt before I met this guy, that I had always been the smile and accept girl when I was dating. and Id be apologising and backtracking when they were in the wrong. Its a hard road to take responsibilty for your own behaviour.

I do believe these guys you speak of are not worth it and were awful, but this time you need to safe guard your heart a lot more. There are always tell tale signs whether or not we like to admit it, when that feeling of doubt creeps in, there is a reason.

If a guy cancels or doesnt go through with their promise. Strike One: Fair enough, it happens. But if it keeps happening, then you have to get out of there. you will kiss many frogs before you meet the one. But trust me, the princes are easily spotted from amongst the frogs. How? Because I really believe if they are interested. they will call, they will make other arrangements. Dont settle for excuse after excuse anymore.

BarackPyjama

my.mind.was.controlled wrote: »

Why do some people behave like this?

Generally psychological damage and/or a poor upbringing. The most important thing ultimately is to just walk away from people like this. Becoming entangled with people who treat your badly and trying to 'fix them' or get them to 'see how good a person you are' can be very dangerous. Meet someone who treats you well 99.9% of the time and have little tolerance for those who don't. Life's too short.

IrishEyes19

BarackPyjama wrote: »

Generally psychological damage and/or a poor upbringing. The most important thing ultimately is to just walk away from people like this. Becoming entangled with people who treat your badly and trying to 'fix them' or get them to 'see how good a person you are' can be very dangerous. Meet someone who treats you well 99.9% of the time and have little tolerance for those who don't. Life's too short.

Really good advice there. BarackPyjama is spot on. The saying, "you cant change someone" is really true. What you described OP, is a toxic relationship. But I would argue, you werent mind controlled ect. You were young, you fell in love and its easy to see someone through rose coloured glasses when they seem to be the full package bar some very important aspects.

I will say however stop focusing on the past and looking to blame and accuse. You have been wronged, but work on yourself now and why it went that far. If you have to look on the past and be critical, be positive in a critical manner. At the end of the day, these people who hurt you, are out there somewhere living their lives. Stop focusing on them and live your life to your absolute best. No person can make you or break you. At the end of the day, you control your own mind and you have the power to say no and goodbye to any person who ever makes you feel that bad again. Best of luck to you

LegacyUser

Thank you for the replies. There were brillant.

I do know with the first chap it was out of badness probably trying to see how long he could keep up d1ckheadish behaviour.

With the second chap, I just don't understand. We had just met and he started promising me things after our first date just to not follow through.

1) was he genuine but lacking in manners, sincerity and empathy?
2) was it a mind games to keep me in anticipation waiting for him?
3) was it an indirect way of telling me to fcuk off?
4) does he have deep rooted issues with women and he got a kick out from knocking down ones self esteem?

I don't know. I've been wrecking my brains out trying to figure it out but I suppose I'm only tormenting myself with this.

BarackPyjama

op.here wrote: »

I don't know. I've been wrecking my brains out trying to figure it out but I suppose I'm only tormenting myself with this.

Definitely. Move on and learn from it. Next time listen to your gut. Or, rather than listening to your gut even, just walk away unless you're treated the way you want to be. Make no exceptions.

daisybelle2008

my.mind.was.controlled wrote: »

Now I know I was to blame too in that I allowed the situation to continue. I was young and foolish and completely in love with him. I knew things weren't right and believed his empty lies in the hope that things would change and go back to how things were between us (we dated for nine months).

I learned that if he was genuine he would have made more of an effort with me instead of letting me down time and time again and upsetting me.

Why do some people behave like this?

In hindsight, he clearly wasn't interested in me in any shape or form but that didn't stop him from messing and playing with my mind.

I'm trying to understand and trying to figure out why someone behaves like that.

They behave like that because people allow them to treat them like that.

I would be less concerned with analysing his 'psychological' reasons for doing this and more concerned with not engaging with people who continually let you down and demonstrate with their actions that they are not interested in you. It is your job to let the people into your life that only treat you well. Don't worry yourself with the whys for their behaviour, just figure out why you keep giving chances to people who do not treat you well.

Ironically those same assh*les tend to treat other people well. Why is that?, because the other people do not tolerate assh*lish behavouir the minute it raises it's head. If you keep giving chances to people who 'continually' let you down, really what do you expect?

People treat you the way you let them. Be more of a two strikes and you are out person than a doormat. It really changes the way people treat you.

You really seem intent on pschyoanalysing these guys. Don't waste your time, the problem was you not them, you are 100% responsible for your own behaviour 100% of the time. That is a very empowering concept when you think about it. It means we have more control over our happiness than we realise! Beleive it or not they did you a favour in showing you what you should walk away from.

ManOfMystery

OP, this story may sound a bit strange as I'm actually the party who wasn't messed around, but I thought it was slightly relevant anyway.

I went out with a girl years ago for about 2 months. All was going swimmingly until one Sunday. We had arranged plans (nothing major, just out for a bite to eat and then a DVD) until my dad popped his head in the door and asked me if I could spare a few hours to help him with something - he had no-one else to ask. I rung her up, asked her if we could delay/change our plans, and she sounded a bit miffed. I got dumped the next day purely because I was 'messing her around' (there had been no other incidents or disagreements before this).

Now, I'm not into mind games and I'm not suggesting you go to the same extremes as this girl. The point I was making was that, whilst I thought she overreacted slightly, I could understand that she had been messed around in the past and didn't know if I was doing the same to her. Thus she was taking no chances, and safeguarded herself by getting rid of me. Extreme but effective.

As such, I agree with Daisybelle .................... give people a couple of chances by all means (2 strikes), but after that, cut them out of your life if they continue to mess around. It's all about prioritising, and if someone continually or habitually prioritises other things above you, then it's time to move on - you're not that important to them. Deal with things like this quickly, don't let them fester or build up for months as it will slowly eat away at you as evidenced by what happened you in college.