very messed up

Mmmoments

I've been in and out of an abusive relationship for 2 years. I won't go into that. I eventually walked away for good last September. When he realised I wasn't coming back he sent me heartfelt cards, "I love you, I can't live without you, you are my world, I'm so sorry, I know I ****ed up, I want to make it up to you, I know I can" texts and emails for 2 months. I met up with him at the beginning of November..he still wouldn't hear anything I had to say and I know if I went back I'd end up suicidal again. He begged and said he couldn't live without me. I said I wasn't fit for a relationship. He said lets go away for a weekend in January and I hope we can remain good friends. 3 weeks later he's involved with someone else.

I am devastated to have found this out. I found out last week when we met for a chat and he asked me was there hope for us (he's been with this other woman for 6 weeks at this stage).

I am torn to pieces even though in my head I'm glad to be out of it. I feel so worthless like everything was so meaningless and I am a shell of my former self for nothing. I hate him and hate that he has moved on so callously and quickly. I know I am not right in the head from the whole experience so I need to know am I out of order? I have no idea what is right and what is wrong anymore

LegacyUser

Hey there mmoments,

You know a few years ago I could have written that very same post. Or at least very similar. I know it might not feel this way now but I promise you that you'll look back 5 years from now and be so, so proud for walking away. I was not that strong. In the end my abusive partner left me for another girl who he was seeing throughout our relationship. To be abandoned and dismissed that way is unbelievable. Especially when you've put up with so much heartache for him. But I really do promise you're better off now and that you will see that some day.

I tried to move on myself but nothing ever worked out, I ended up being hurt over and over because I'd always choose the men who were just like him. Eventually, after over 3 months of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy I was able to recognise when I was noticing similar traits in new men. It meant I could avoid similar relationships. It also helped me realise that I actually didn't deserve to be abused and that my life actually is worth something, or at least worth as much as his is. I obviously don't know what your opinion is on counselling, I put it off for years. I also refused pills from my doctor but got so, so low. I cannot recommend CBT enough. It may help you realise that this guy is a completely nasty man and that you deserve a real pat on the back for walking away.

The reason he's with another woman so quick is because he is an insecure coward. Just like my guy was. Bullies like that need a woman to make themselves feel ok. He knew you were done with him and he grabbed onto the nearest girl to try soften the blow on himself. He's a loser and even though I don't know you I'm so proud that you left him. I wish I had have had that insight myself. You don't realise the extent of the damage until you begin to heal yourself. Now that he's gone, let him stay there.

Good luck with everything. It will be feel better someday.

ABajaninCork

No, you're not out of order at all. I think what you're feeling is a very natural reaction.

But - Pat yourself on the back. You've done amazingly well to walk out and stay out of your abusive relationship. OK, he's moved on quickly, but that's what men do. You wouldn't play ball, so he's moved on. All he's doing is playing with you by asking if there's hope for you, can we still be friends, can we go away. All that is bullcrap, and you know it. Why else have you walked away?

If I were you, I'd cut all contact now. Don't text, call, e-mail. Nothing. Nada.

If he calls, then ignore the call. Block his number, delete his e-mail, delete him from Facebook. He'll soon get the message.

Meanwhile. Be kind to yourself. Buy chocolate, treat yourself, make time for YOU. Thank your lucky stars you had a close shave!

Good luck! I hope it works for you...

Neyite

Congratulations on walking away.:) Its not an easy thing to do and there are a lot of complicated emotions and screwed up thinking involved in an abusive relationship which makes your feelings all the more confusing.

I have been exactly where you are, in the same type of relationship - he begged and beggged but once he saw that I was staying strong and not capitulating to going back to him he moved on like a shot. In fact, with hindsight, I believe that he had his next girlfriend already as standby before we officially broke up and through all the begging that he did.

You are annoyed, but not because you love him, or want him back. You are annoyed at the fact that he was able to bulldoze through your life leaving you to pick up the pieces while he is merrily going on as if nothing ever happened. Its the fact that you cant understand why he does not feel even a tiny bit responsible for the mess that he created. He gets to walk away to be happy and you are left hurting and mistrustful. In short, you cant understand why he does not care.

I had to understand that my ex was utterly selfish. I was only a possession of sorts to him- one he would goad and see how far he could take it. Once I was of no use to him (reacting, having feelings for him that he could manipulate) it was like a childs discarded toy, tossed aside without a further thought.

What helped me a lot was to read up on the psychology of an abuser - why they do what they do, and why nearly always afterwards their version of the relationship is so removed from reality its almost funny. I would suggest you start with any information you can find on womens aid websites or the like.

Ickle Magoo

Hey OP,

I've merged your threads and I'd ask you don't start multiple threads on the same issue.

Many thanks. :cool:

Mmmoments

Thank you all.

apologies about multiple threads.

I have gone back to no contact. But only after lashing him with anger and hate in texts and emails. I am sick with myself. I was never confrontational and conflict tears me to pieces. I saw him yesterday going into the supermarket and I actually had to stop the car because I was shaking so violently. I actually vomited. How can someone do this to you?

LegacyUser

It's very hard mmoments, I used to shake violently even when he'd text me. I was also sick and even lost so much weight very rapidly. My hair started falling out and I was never able to sleep. What you're feeling is not nice at all but is very normal after all the abuse and it will pass. I'm the poster who answered with the name 'youwillbeokay'. I never, ever thought I'd say this but I am so glad I'm not with him anymore. To think that once upon a time I actually genuinely believed that I wanted to die because he didn't care about me, terrifies me. I am worth way more than that and you are too.

I know it hurts but I hope you know just how strong you are. I admire your strength so much, standing up to the horrible bully. I also went down the route of angry calls and texts, I felt like he had to know how much my heart was broken. But now I couldn't care less. I'm glad I told him how much he hurt me, at least I gave him some honesty which is more than I got from him.

It's not going to feel better yet but stay strong!! You have so many great experiences waiting for you now that you've dropped that dead weight!

Janet1986

Believe me mmmoments i understand what you are going through

Neyite

Mmmoments wrote: »

I have gone back to no contact. But only after lashing him with anger and hate in texts and emails. I am sick with myself. I was never confrontational and conflict tears me to pieces. I saw him yesterday going into the supermarket and I actually had to stop the car because I was shaking so violently. I actually vomited. How can someone do this to you?

Its good that you do no-contact. You will move on much quicker. Dont worry about what you sent, its in the past now. He is not your future.

I remember seeing my ex on the street while I was driving past shortly after our breakup. I felt this white hot rage just seeing him, it felt sickening- while I didnt get actually sick, I know exactly what you mean. I'm not an angry person normally, but I had to pull in and let myself calm down before I was fit to drive again.

Its all normal -even though it does not feel like it. Just remember, the best revenge is your own happiness.

A year after my ex (with counselling during that time) I met someone amazing. We are together over 7 years now and expecting our first child. Its such a loving, respectful home we are bringing this child into - worlds away from what I had with my ex. Right now, your future is whatever you want it to be.:)

Mmmoments

Janet1986 wrote: »

Believe me mmmoments i understand what you are going through

That actually helps a lot Janet1986.

Neyite it amazes me that there are so many dangerous men out there. You know he text me saying f*** me and her (the new victim on the scene) and every other woman WHILE he was texting her sweet nothings the whole time. I'm so glad I'm not deeply involved anymore but I'm far from over it or him....i need help