Husband hiding gambling

LegacyUser

My husband of 18 years hides things. He has hidden cash around the house and in his car before, no idea why. He has always gone to the bookies to apparently bet 2 or 3 euro at a time (he says) He maintains he never spends more than a fiver. He also knows I do not approve, anad have argued over it many many times.

Well I don't believe it. We are always short of money. I have done some snooping . He uses the pc and then deletes the history. I have found out(using a keylogger) that he has opened an online betting account, and deposited in cash nearly 100 euro in the last six days. This is money that we need for food, bills etc.

I am not sure how to confront him on it.

pool8

tell him straight out you know about his addiction and thats what it is if he is hiding his betting from you like that. he may well deny it for a while but if left alone you can become in to serious debt very quickly.gamblers are very good liars so confront him and keep at him no matter what he says about trust or any of that rubbish. take it from someone that knows...and also those online bettin accounts are lethal if not controlled. go to gamblers annon on line for more info. best of luck with it.

sillyturd

If its only €100 total in the week then I don't advise saying anything. It will only create an even bigger problem in the future as he will get extremely defensive about it. Keep an eye without freaking out about it.

username123

Totally agree with calm direct confrontation. There is no other way. You may want to contact the Rutland Centre or similar for advice on handling gambling addiction?

For the user who said 'only 100 euro in a week' - this money could feed a family of four for a week, it is not an amount to be ignored. Its over 5k a year. The OP has stated that they are always short of money. Its extremely insensitive to assume 100 euro is nothing to someone.

Beruthiel

sillyturd wrote: »

If its only €100 total in the week then I don't advise saying anything.

ONLY a €100?!
sillyturd, that is not a helpful comment. €100 euro is the guts of a weekly shopping. It's a couple of weeks electricity bill. It's an awful lot of money, especially as the OP stated that they are always short of money.

Big Bag of Chips

My friend knew her husband gambled "never more than a fiver" too. Eventually, by accident, she found an overdue bill....he always collected the post, and handled the bill paying etc. And asked him about it. He was "handling" it.

After a couple more months it all came out... he owed thousands. He had 2 separate loans that she knew nothing about and owed money to some friends too.

Softly softly doesn't work with gamblers, because they get so good at lying. And as another poster mentioned are really good at throwing around the "trust" word! Find your local GamAnon meeting for yourself. It's a support group for friends and family of gamblers.

You may persuade him to go to Gamblers Anonymous, but if you don't, you should still get some sort of support for yourself.

pool8

with ref to its only 100 a week. its not about the amount but gambling beyond your means which he is doing. as said confront him in a calm manner and let him know it can be worked out.

MagicSean

Just tell him you he forgot to log off or something and that you know about it. All bookies have a self-exclusion process that customers can request. Once initiated they will refuse to take any bets from the customer for a defined period.

LegacyUser

MagicSean wrote: »

Just tell him you he forgot to log off or something and that you know about it. All bookies have a self-exclusion process that customers can request. Once initiated they will refuse to take any bets from the customer for a defined period.

I can't - he is trying to be very clever and deleting history, not all of it just the sites he visits, so there is no way he will believe it if I say he hasn't logged off. Just checked again this morning and another 20 euro into the account. I am getting very frustrated and just want to give him hell.

If he was to ever find out I check up he will go mental. I really don't know what to do about this.

Oryx

He will go mental? Remind him that he is the gambler who is using money you both need to feed a secret habit. YOU need to be the one going a bit mental here. Dont let him use the strategy of making this about you. If he wasnt hiding something you knew was there but had to confirm, you wouldnt have had to catch him out.

I would worry that the amount you found is the tip of the iceberg anyway. You need to sort this, and quickly.

MagicSean

ruby1999 wrote: »

I can't - he is trying to be very clever and deleting history, not all of it just the sites he visits, so there is no way he will believe it if I say he hasn't logged off. Just checked again this morning and another 20 euro into the account. I am getting very frustrated and just want to give him hell.

If he was to ever find out I check up he will go mental. I really don't know what to do about this.

To be honest, i don't think you should be worrying about telling him how you found out. If he makes a deal of it just tell him that it's not relevant. The fact is he has a gambling problem that you can't afford and that's what has to be addressed. If he "goes mental" just tell him you won't be dealing with him until he calms down and is prepared to discuss it and walk off.

Starokan

your going to have just get it into the open and confront him. Yes he will go off on one about you snooping on him but your own state of mind will be destroyed if you are constantly checking on him and seeing more and more deposits.

Its also highly likely that he does not see his gambling as a problem, your battle will be to get him to recognise that the money he is spending is adversely affecting your family. Fwiw he may still be at a stage where he can simply stop without any need for GA or similar organisations.

Hopefully when he sees how upset you are he will recognise that it has to stop. The only real way you will ever know if its stopped is if you can pool together both your earnings each week and track where the money is going.

LegacyUser

As another poster suggested, it wouldn't hurt to go along to a gamanon meeting. They woman and men there are really supportive. There are a few woman who husbands have been in recovery for a long time. These woman are fantastic, they continue to go meetings helping others by sharing how they got through the difficult times with their loved one. They can't tell you how to get you're loved one to stop gambling because only the gambler can do that, but it is a great place for support and advice for how you behave yourself in relation to the gambler.

I've found it really helped me.


http://www.gamblersanonymous.ie/gamanon/gamanon_meetings.html

Theoffalyman

Hi,
I'm a compulsive gambler thats in recovery for 2 years now - I did everything you describe, hide money, lie about it, only lodge small amounts into my PP account! I didn't do much financial damage but it was heading down that way! The only way you can deal with this is tackle it head on. My wife caught me and it was tough, very tough but we are struggling through it. Nobody understands the life of a compulsive gambler but other gamblers. Try and get him to go to GA - its a fabulous organisation. I never want to bet again and I hope thats the way it stays.
I'm happy to help anyone if I can.
T

ziedth

Is the €100 the only large amount you have come across? People may not realize but when you set up an account the website can give you a bonus of double/triple your initial lodgment so maybe this "large" amount was a serious once off just to make the most of the bonus and it's a years worth of gambling money?

I'm not saying it's right of course he shouldn't hide it but it is a different theory then he is spending €100 a week.

Edit: I just saw your post about the further €20. I would definitely do something sooner then later.

Good luck.

pool8

Theoffalyman wrote: »

Hi,
I'm a compulsive gambler thats in recovery for 2 years now - I did everything you describe, hide money, lie about it, only lodge small amounts into my PP account! I didn't do much financial damage but it was heading down that way! The only way you can deal with this is tackle it head on. My wife caught me and it was tough, very tough but we are struggling through it. Nobody understands the life of a compulsive gambler but other gamblers. Try and get him to go to GA - its a fabulous organisation. I never want to bet again and I hope thats the way it stays.
I'm happy to help anyone if I can.
T

as said by offaly man. your husband knows he is doing wrong. get it out in the open before its too late. that on line betting as i said is lethal and will get out of control. listen to people who know and have been like your husband.

boobar

Hi,

It's a very delicate situation, I can see that.

Someone close to me developed an extremely serious gambling addiction and lost his family as a result through a separation.

Things had gone too far for him. You have a chance now and so has your husband to catch this early.

You need to let him know that he needs to be assessed for gambling addiction. There's no soft way of putting it unfortunately.

For years, I had tried to gently coax the gambler in my life to get help but looking back on it now, a more forceful approach was needed.

Gamblers are notoriously good at taking 'control' of finances to the point where the other partner even feels that they are superb at managing finances. My advice here is to try and take at least some control over joint accounts etc, so that you're not left exposed as well.

Good luck, look after yourself.

the quick fix

ruby1999 wrote: »

My husband of 18 years hides things. He has hidden cash around the house and in his car before, no idea why. He has always gone to the bookies to apparently bet 2 or 3 euro at a time (he says) He maintains he never spends more than a fiver. He also knows I do not approve, anad have argued over it many many times.

Well I don't believe it. We are always short of money. I have done some snooping . He uses the pc and then deletes the history. I have found out(using a keylogger) that he has opened an online betting account, and deposited in cash nearly 100 euro in the last six days. This is money that we need for food, bills etc.

I am not sure how to confront him on it.

As other people have said you must be direct here. He has a problem and realizes hes doing wrong and hes rationalized that the best way to make the money back that is he has lost is by gambling more. You need to have an open discussion no matter how bad it gets because this is serious stuff. Don't put the stress on yourself. Bring in any friends of his, family members to come together in a loving manner to help him. Try avoid confrontation at first and say you know what he is doing and you want him to get better. You do not want to isolate him or he will just become more private about it. The only way forward is honesty. I hope your husband gets better and wish you all the best.

Theoffalyman

In response to Ziedth above - thats the exact way I started online gambling - I got an offer of double your money and the cravings got worse. Everybody is differnt and can deal with their compulsions differently but I hate to say your husband has all the classic signs. To this day, I dont carry money with me, I don't associate with people who gamble and I skip the sports pages in papers!
As I said before, confront the situation before you get hurt anymore and hopefully he will come around to your understanding a little later.

LegacyUser

OP, my cousin lost her home to gambling, her husband racked up huge debts online and everywhere else, then one day officials from the bank came knocking at the door. I won't go into too much detail but they lost their home in the end. You need to address this quickly, it's so easy too lose large amounts of money online. I must point out that he accumulated these debts over a number of years, always paying the minimum until he could no longer sustain it anymore. They split and she moved back to Ireland from the uk.

sillyturd

username123 wrote: »

Totally agree with calm direct confrontation. There is no other way. You may want to contact the Rutland Centre or similar for advice on handling gambling addiction?

For the user who said 'only 100 euro in a week' - this money could feed a family of four for a week, it is not an amount to be ignored. Its over 5k a year. The OP has stated that they are always short of money. Its extremely insensitive to assume 100 euro is nothing to someone.

My apologies if my post seemed insensitive. I was merely offering my opinion from the side of a "recovered gambler". I never attended gamblers anonymous or sought any professional help but simply decided that the route I was taking was unhealthy. I lost roughly €6000 over a 2 year period. I was certain that I was learning from my mistakes and that my "luck" would turn eventually. After a long struggle I had to face the facts myself and realize that I simply wasn't good enough to make money gambling. This was a very difficult step for me as the majority of my friends were gamblers and the main source of social interaction with them was in gambling situations such as going racing, playing poker and hitting the bookies. My entire life needed to be changed. I've not gambled in 18 months.
The point I was trying to make was that I got into serious arguments with my family when they suspected me of gambling too much and confronted me head on. I always denied it because I GENUINELY believed I DID NOT have a gambling problem at the time. So in my head it was just my family annoying me, not trusting me, keeping tabs on me. I ended up resenting them for it and it very nearly caused greater problems than my actual gambling.
Now I am not saying that the opening poster shouldn't confront her husband but I was merely offering my opinion from the other side of the fence. If it was me when I was gambling and someone confronted me about €100 I would have told them where to go and to go get their heads checked. Now if this seems extremely insensitive and unbelievable, I'm sorry but that's the harsh reality. A gambler doesn't think the same way about money. Non gamblers can never relate to it....they see money and what its worth, what it can buy etc....to gamblers its just a figure.

LegacyUser

I think most posters are being very unfair on the husband. Yes, it appears that he deposited €100 to an online betting account in one week, but does that make him a compulsive gambler who is destroying his and his families lives? Maybe, maybe not. We simply have no evidence that this is so.

It should be quite easy to find out though, money deposited to online accounts must be deposited from somewhere, does the op have online banking or can she view statements for all their bank and credit card accounts?

In any event, there are also many more questions that should be asked, such as why are they financially strapped for cash? Are they both earners, have they kids, mortgage etc. Does one partner or the other spend money on themselves or frivolous purchases that maybe they could do without? Perhaps the husband in this instance tells himself that yeah, he spends 4 or 5K pa. gambling, but as that is his one and only hobby he's entitled to it? I don't know, but I do feel that most of you have jumped to conclusions on the basis of very little information.

Guest100

Hi

I completely understand where you are coming from! Unfortunately things have become so bad that I have had to ask my husband to leave the house last week.

It started off as €50, €50, €30, €20 etc on the joint account. When I asked him about it first back in 2007 he told me he was putting it in a savings account. Up until that point I had trusted him completely with the money..and I would have sworn on a stack of bibles that he was totally competent at Home Economics...although looking back we lived comfortably but not excessively - despite us both working full time and pulling in about 60K a year.

Last year he lost his job and thats when the problems really started. We had an intervention with his parents, he cried promised he would never do it again etc etc. In August I found him at it again on a very small scale (I probably just found it early) and he had a "go" at me because I was stopping him from doing something that he enjoyed...the only thing he enjoy's.

In November he lost 1400 in a month! and I called him on it again..telling him that it was the last chance, it was over if he did it again, and a couple of weeks ago I found that he had won 500 but lost 700.

He was using the Credit Card, has taken loans and owes family and Friends. Currently we are about 18K in Debt..and thats just what I can find out about!

Nip it in the bud! It is a progressive illness that will get worse.

Be strong, and don't put up with him trying to blame you (which I have experienced) or the trust issue - trust has to be earned, it is not a right!

I hope it goes well. Let us know how you got on.

d-gal

ruby1999 wrote: »

I can't - he is trying to be very clever and deleting history, not all of it just the sites he visits, so there is no way he will believe it if I say he hasn't logged off. Just checked again this morning and another 20 euro into the account. I am getting very frustrated and just want to give him hell.

If he was to ever find out I check up he will go mental. I really don't know what to do about this.

Give it another month where you can build up a pattern. A lot of people can go thru phases of gambling/betting all depending on what events are on (say now 6nations in rugby, superbowl last week etc.)
If it continues after a month then sit down and talk to him about, show your concern and do not go mental with him. You can have online cash accounts that you can use from your mobile and you can ring in bets as well which is extremely easy to hide.

Hopefully for your sake it is just a hobby or a social thing with mates. Gambling can be like going out for a few beers, dinner, cinema etc. It is entertainment for majority of people and only a minority are compulsive gamblers. It might be very simple for him to cut back once the issue arises.

Good luck with it