Fat Bloke caught in an endless cycle

LegacyUser

Hi,

I know this going to be the archetypical 'whiny fat man' story, for that I apologise in advance.

All my life I have had weight issues. I was always the fatty of the group from primary school right through my college years. I've had to put up with the jokes among the lads (Which I can deal with easily enough) and the tittering giggles of the girls (Which leaves me emotionally distraught and consumed with self loathing) In fact, many times as a teenager and beyond I have been publically humiliated by girls in social environments. One time I struggled to get past a girl in a crowded pub and I kind of had to ask her to move. She was drunk, and called me a 'fat loser'. The entire pub ripped into laughter. I just left and went home without saying anything to my mates. Another time a couple of girls came up to me in a pub and started saying how much 'they fancy me' etc. - all the while laughing and giggling among themselves. I felt so humiliated. To my credit, I told them they were nasty people and that they were picking on others because of their own inadequacies. Then I left in a huff. I have more horror stories like this.

I lost my virginity to a girl I knew a couple of years ago. She was drunk and I've been friends with her since childhood. The next day I was all clingy and stuff and she was very direct - she told me that it was a mistake, and that she felt sorry for me! God, how I still cringe at myself for that.

I'm 19 stone at the moment. At one stage I was 24 stone. At my lowest, I was around 14 stone (Since I'm tall I looked like a normal weight) I've always jumped up and down in weight. To compound my problem, I have a dodgy knee (A result of a car crash when I was younger which left me partially paralysed for 6 months) and so running/gym is out of the question. The doctor has informed me that to lose weight I will have to resort to diet and light exercise - such as walking. He told me that jogging, cycling etc. is completely out of the question as it will utterly destroy the fragile muscles in my knee (Leaving me consigned to a wheelchair)

Instinctively I'm not lazy. I go up stairs when I could use the lift. Or I walk where I could drive. But I do binge eat. I get horribly sorry for myself, and sit back and comfort eat. I feel like I'm never going to meet anyone and that I don't deserve to meet anyone. The girls I'm attracted to are attractive girls, ERGO, by that logic I couldn't possibly expect someone attractive to be attracted to me (Somebody unattractive)

I'm having trouble at the moment. I had lost some weight before christmas but have put it all back on again. I've considered seeing a counsellor. Or even taking a big step by getting an operation done in order to control my food intake - as I seem to have a pyschological issue with food. I feel desperate and lonely and consumed with self pity. I loathe myself.

And I'm aware of how loathesome I must look, whinging like this and wallowing in self pity. But at this stage I don't care anymore. I have a problem and I don't know what to do about it.

mikemac1

Not to stray into medical advice but I think you should get a second opinion over your knee

Your doctor have given guidelines for the rest of your life so you should definitely double check

In sports, careers that would be ruined two decades ago can now be saved even if it's the same injury , techniques are improving all the time

mikemac1

About the comfort eating, mix up your routine

I used to finish work stressed and upset, stroll down to Supermacs for some comfort food, then walk to Supervalu for a few cans
"Sure don't I deserve a few drinks to relax, I work hard"
and then get the bus home

Then I started cycling
It's good exercise and I'm not going to the shops in my shorts

Basic example.
There are lots more

You're considering an operation, is that the gastric band? Well we can't give medical advice but there is little point going down that route if you've not given some months of solid effort at the basics. Shortcuts are not the best option

Lastly there is a weight loss challenge over in athletics forum. Stick your username down and report weekly until April. You'll get support and advice
Competition is a great thing

I don't think you need a counselor, I think you need a kick in the ass and I mean that is a nice way if you get me
Your post is well written, you're an articulate and intelligent guy, just trapped in a rut at the minute and need to strive to get out of it.

kylith

OP, check out something like Aqua Aerobics with your doctor. It can be as strenuous as you like, and the water is wonderfully supportive for your joints. Aqua jogging is great too, if you can find somewhere with a deep pool. You wear a flotation belt so that your feet don't touch the ground, which means that it's zero impact.

LovelyLottie

OP - i'm really sorry to hear that you are going through a tough time.

I'll give you my opinion on how i think you could start tackling this.

1. I disagree with the poster who said you don't need a counsellor. Talking about the upsetting experiences from your past, which are stopping you from moving forward with your present, has got to be a good starting place for you.

If you were just feeling a little down about your weight, i might think a counsellor unnecessary, but you have a history of being bullied and victimised because of your weight. Speaking to a professional could help you to work through that past hurt, and might help you to start to rebuild a more positive self-image. You could also discuss your emotional eating and strategies for tackling that.

2. Re exercise, you need to start doing lots of walking. If that's all you can do, then do as much of it as you can. Brisk walking is enough to lose weight, if you cut down the amount you eat.

3. Re your weight, have you ever considered Weight Watchers? Perhaps you have tried it in the past. I did it for a while last year. It's traditionally thought of as something that women only do, but men do go as well.

There were always a few guys at the meetings i went to, i know they cringed a bit because it's mainly women, but they were there because they wanted to lose weight and keep it off. And on the upside, it's highly unlikely you'll bump into any guys you know! You might even get chatting to some girls too!!! Check out their website: http://www.weightwatchers.ie/

If you start to make changes in your life, things will improve. All the best.

username123

Op - I have had dreadful knee problems, and after a massive surgery and 20 years of being told to do NOTHING on it, I had to have cartilage clean up 3 years ago and afterwards the surgeon said it was fine for running on and I should never have been told any different.

You dont have fragile muscles in the knee, the quad is one of the strongest muscles in the body - so I dont know what the hell the doctor was telling you but get a second opinion. Also a knee problem wont put you in a wheelchair, there are replacements, partial replacements, even fusion in extreme cases!!!

So please please, go see a good knee consultant for a second opinion, I can recommend one of the best guys Ive ever come across if you want.

Leaving the above aside - even with a knee problem, you can swim. Swimming is great cardio.

And you can cycle - cycling is non weight bearing so no joint impact. If you can walk, cycling is even easier on the knee.

You can also control your diet. Join weight watchers maybe?

Losing weight is a pain, but when you start seeing it come off its a positive feedback loop.

Good luck - let me know if you want a knee doc recommendation!

HovaBaby

I'm the same as you, I was 23.5 stone at my heaviest. All through primarily school I was called "Fatso" and "Mr Blobby". When I went to a Scout Boys trip aged 12, my first one, there was this boy who kept on calling me "Pop and Fresh." I didn't even see him before and he didn't see me, but he persistently did that.

As you could tell probably, my self esteem was extremely low. But i'm believing in myself now, i'm giving myself plenty of affirmations and I can feel my old beliefs breaking away. Picture a statue, i'm now chipping away at the old part and getting to a better part.

When I was overweight I constantly told myself "i'm useless". Not directly, but I felt it. TBH in my childhood my self esteem was low, so by late adolescense/early adulthood those belives were so ingrained in me I wasn't even aware of them. But now I can feel the believes changing and I tell myself "I am worth it", "I am someone", "I am somebody", etc. I repeated thse affirmations to myself constantly through the day, and I can feel the old beliefs shipping away.

I have gained the confidence to talk to women. Since I got better self-esteem I have recognized, in myself, that women like me. Before my old beliefs would have thrown that notion out the window. TBH when I was 18 stone I thought in my head I was very fat. I got down to 13 and a half stone once by dieting. I didn't do a lot of exercise, I just had 2-3 litres of water a day as liquids. I had McCambridge wholemeal bread with butter, chicken (not just boiled, but flavoured), the pre-made wholemeal sandwiches in Tesco. Me staying off the Coca-Cola was the big thing. Don't believe the crap about only junk food is tasty. A bowl of tomato soup, a couple of slices of wholemeal bread with some chicken tastes beautiful. Porridge for breakfast, mmm. For a treat I had wholemeal toasties in O' Briens with ham and cheese, plus a Smoothie with the toastie.

Your self-esteem, or self-value, plays a big part in how your mentally see yourself, in your "minds eye." When I was 18 stone I wrote in my diary "I am a fat pig." But since increasing my self-esteem I see that I wasn't. I'm around 17 stone ATM, i'm overweight, I recognise that, but my self-esteem is intact. It no longer takes a hammering.

Ironmaiden11

Is your thyroid underactive? Might be worth checking.

Chinafoot

OP, you should absolutely speak to a professional about your emotional eating. You're caught in a vicious cycle and it can be extremely hard to break out of that.

A friend of mine spoke to a counsellor at the
Marino Therapy Centre and she said it was the best thing she ever did.

mcmacness

I am a female user, OP, who used to be very overweight. I was 17 stone there a few months ago. I wasn't bullied or anything but I remember asking a guy to move once in a club and he cruelly pointed to the exit and said " Supermacs is that way". I know how tough it is and how peoples comments can lead to you abusing food more. I was lucky in that my Dad signed me up to a programme which helped me lose 4 and a half stone in weight, although I still have more to go I am a million miles happier than I used to be.

For me it was about making smarter choices when i came to meals, porridge for breakfast, soup and crackers for lunch and plenty of protein and fresh veg for dinner. Drink lots of water, exercise as much as you can. Even if its just cleaning your house when you'd rather sit down. I am a totally different person now. Weight isn't everything but it can really affect your confidence and general happiness. The sooner you stick to a plan and do something to change it, the happier you'll be

thefeatheredcat

Firstly OP you've previously proved to yourself that you can lose weight so I'm confident that you will.

Tackling the emotional eating head on by confronting it directly will be beneficial to you, and I think with the bullying and humiliation you have experienced in the past, and the current self loathing, counselling for this to manage your responses would be of benefit. You've proved yourself as being able to stand up for yourself so I would be confident too that you will manage well.

On the subject of your knee.... I'd discuss that a bit further with your doctor. Take on board what your doctor has said, especially if he knows about how your knee injury happened and go with the recommendation of walking. It is a wonderful exercise, and free and as a regular walker who does it for exercise, leisure and a means of getting to places, it's worth getting yourself into it. In different places I walk I meet different people that are also out for different reasons like fitness and leisure and often have been inspired to try out running and other exercises. It's a great place to start and will be a real help with how you feel about yourself too. Keep a look out for good walking places and parks where decent paths are laid down and notice whatever facilities are available like if an old railway line has been transformed into a recreational facility and stuff like that.

I'd take it gradually though and not over-do it. Check back with your GP about fitness and diet and talking about your knee and see what else they recommend and if anything can be done to enhance your life in that respect.

Take things one stage at a time...don't push yourself too far and don't beat yourself up or feel guilty if you lapse into negative behaviours. Instead acknowledge them and acknowledge what you feel and talk about it openly and learn from them and what you feel.

Lanaier

fatbloke wrote: »

Or even taking a big step by getting an operation done in order to control my food intake - as I seem to have a pyschological issue with food

Just a quick point.
An operation isn't going to help you with a psychological food issue, you'll still have the issue after surgery.

Are you referring to the stomach stapling technique thingy?

Many people do the surgery and lose a little bit of weight and within a year later they are back to full size.
It's also not uncommon for people to require emergency treatment after they burst their stapled stomach.

From the aesthetic standpoint, you'll have flabby skin-flaps all over your body where the skin didn't have time to adjust to the unnatural speed of fat-loss. At extreme stages only operating can remove the excess skin and leaves extensive scarring.

^This crap isn't going to help your self esteem,is harder to reverse than being fat and it's questionable whether or not you'll even be any healthier...which is the most important thing.

This method also counts out getting a properly balanced meal and getting some good exercise, you need a healthy stomach for both of those.

I've had to convince one of my friends against doing this surgery so I've read a lot about it.

Sorry maybe I'm reading too much into it and you're not that big, I cant recall how much anything is in stone anymore, been a long time since I used anything but lbs or kgs.

Julie London

Sign up to the operation transformation website today, and follow it weekly on tv and online. there are two men on it similar to your size. and believe me they do not look awful. At 19 stone you are not as bad as you think you are esp if your tall. But you do need to get yourself down to about 14 stone , aim for 14 . This is not impossible and perfectly achievable with eating smaller meals , no takeaways or snacking. and walking. You do not need to go rowing or cycling to loose weight. Cut down on alcohol or even better quit it as alcohol is a depressant.
I am sorry you have met so many ignorant disgusting people when you are out socially, I urge you never ever to become like them if you loose weight.
I myself am a female and when i was younger weighed 16 stone, very big for my 5 foot 6 frame. I lost six stones through eating healthy and walking to work and in the evenings. Guys who used to laugh at me in school started asking me out on dates and one of them literally begged me. I took great pleasure in telling him how much of an ahole he was and how i wouldnt date him in a million years. These people are the losers. They have unhappy lives. If they take pleasure in slagging you cos you are overweight, they must be extremely small minded and have sad lives.
I met and married a bigger guy myself, he was 14 stone, he is the hottest guy I have ever known, the best lover the best everything.

n900guy

fatbloke wrote: »

Hi,


And I'm aware of how loathesome I must look, whinging like this and wallowing in self pity. But at this stage I don't care anymore. I have a problem and I don't know what to do about it.

Low impact sports that might be good:
- cycling (like road biking, NOT mountain biking)
- swimming (particularly good in your situation)
- skating

Depends on the extent of your knee damage I suppose. I'd start with swimming as it's ultra low impact obviously, but biking will also strip the kg's off you fast.

Pebbles68

I posted about this before; I had great success with hypnotherapy, you might look into it. I was in denial about how big i had become. It was when I found a top in Dunnes one day that fit me, only to discover I had wandered into the maternity section that it really hit me.

The hypnotherapy was nothing like I expected and I dealt with so much emotional crap aswell as dropping 3 dress sizes in 9 months. I still enjoy my glass of wine and my treats but I have kept my weight down.

Here's a link to a pic - http://www.aidansloan.ie/hcforum08/viewtopic.php?t=1715

Best of luck OP

Maga

Hmmm I think there are several issues in your post, OP, and naturally they are quite intertwined. So apologies if I address them rather chaotically.

First, I think the others gave great advice. I also know you know it perfectly well that the "wise" thing would be to eat healthily and exercise and that would take the weight off your knee, and at the same time you could work on your self esteem issues so you become confident and assertive etc. Grand. But easier said then done, isn't it? Where do we start?

I think once we are caught in a vicious circle of emotions leading to certain behaviour, and behaviour leading to certain emotions, it can be rather tricky to break out of this circle. And as you said, you've been there for quite a while, so it's even hard to break the habit of doing certain things, and most importantly, breaking the habit of thinking certain things.

Now, what could I add up to this, instead of rambling...

- When we are the target of a mean joke, or of bullying, or at the receiving end of people attacking us because they are too insecure themselves, sometimes its hard not to think we are on the wrong. So using your example, you pass by a girl in a club, politely saying "excuse me", and she starts saying horrible things out loud and giggling?? Seriously, I'd have to wonder why she needs to try to put someone down to try to look cool to her crowd. I'd say she is really miserable with herself.

- I don't know if you realise it, but 1) a lot of girls are not too worried about a guy's appearance. I usually dont resort to generalisations, but I do think girls are less visual than guys when it comes to what pleases them in a long-term relationship. And importantly, 2) A LOT of girls really like bigger/heavier guys, tho they might not say that too often. I, for one, think heavy guys are really hot, and if they have a nice personality on top of that, yey, way to go!

- As much as I know self-esteem should come from within etc, it's SO GREAT when someone appreciates us for what we are, isn't it? Forgive me the cliche, but you know, "all we need is love".
Have you considered online dating? It takes away the pressure of clubs and the bad vibes they might have, and you feel safe because you know that if some girl is open to meet you, she really couldn't care less whether you are heavy/skinny/tall/short, because 1) she's already seen your pic, so she knows what to expect, 2) She will also know about your personality/hobbies/goals in life etc and that outweights looks any day.

- The binge eating leads to lack of confidence which leads to solitude and self-loathing, which leads to more isolation and back to binge eating. Binge eating is a b*tch to quit, just like smoking or any other addiction. So dont beat yourself up if you are not able to stop it cold turkey. I would work instead on getting youself surrounded by nice friendly people, that appreciate you. Good friends, being busy doing fun stuff, and maybe meeting someone nice (online or not, but out of the shallow dating scene of pubs/clubs) might make wonders for your confidence. And when you realise, the binge eating will be gone and you wont even realise it happened.

I know, they say confidence is supposed to start from within, but it's priceless to have someone looking at us in admiration. And please trust me, there are loads of girls out there that will look at you in admiration/love/lust if you can allow yourself to trust and relax and show them who you really are.

But please do avoid shallow horrible people that are too worried about their own insecurities and will bring their bad vibe upon you. You deserve way better than that!

Best of luck!

D-FENS

Maga wrote: »

I don't know if you realise it, but 1) a lot of girls are not too worried about a guy's appearance. I usually dont resort to generalisations, but I do think girls are less visual than guys when it comes to what pleases them in a long-term relationship. And importantly, 2) A LOT of girls really like bigger/heavier guys, tho they might not say that too often. I, for one, think heavy guys are really hot, and if they have a nice personality on top of that, yey, way to go!

Hi

Lot of your post is really great advice, especially about people who feel the need to insult others because their own insecurities, but I’m sorry I just don’t agree with you here.

I simply don’t believe there are very many of the kind of girl you’ve mentioned

There are many lovely, kind hearted women out there, who, looks aside, are wonderful people, but in my experience the vast majority are just as shallow as men when it comes to looks.

I’ve been overweight for most of my life and was single for a large part of it too, I approached a lot of girls in pubs and clubs for a dance or even a chat, most wouldn’t even let me finish the sentence, so a date or even a kiss was unimaginable. They either laugh, ignore you, or worse, think you're a complete creep/perv (why else would a fat guy have the nerve to approach them)
That’s the strangers, it also never worked with girls I would know through friends, work etc, where i would get more of a chance to talk to them, let them see the person i was - i made a lot of women laugh over the years and thought i'd clicked on a personal level many times, but the end result was the same.

I went home a lot just grateful for the chance to have coversations with women.

And let me clarify that these girls would have been ranged from loud/outgoing to shy/quiet, to slim to overweight, to girls who would be quite popular to girls who seemed to have few friends. They all had one thing in common, they didn’t like fat guys.

Again, the majority of your post is great encouragement for the OP and you’re clearly a very nice person, but I’d find this part a little patronizing

Out of interest, you mentioned you think over weight guys are hot. How many have you gone out with, or even snogged in public?

Julie London

D-FENS wrote: »

Hi

Lot of your post is really great advice, especially about people who feel the need to insult others because their own insecurities, but I’m sorry I just don’t agree with you here.

I simply don’t believe there are very many of the kind of girl you’ve mentioned

There are many lovely, kind hearted women out there, who, looks aside, are wonderful people, but in my experience the vast majority are just as shallow as men when it comes to looks.

I’ve been overweight for most of my life and was single for a large part of it too, I approached a lot of girls in pubs and clubs for a dance or even a chat, most wouldn’t even let me finish the sentence, so a date or even a kiss was unimaginable. They either laugh, ignore you, or worse, think you're a complete creep/perv (why else would a fat guy have the nerve to approach them)
That’s the strangers, it also never worked with girls I would know through friends, work etc, where i would get more of a chance to talk to them, let them see the person i was - i made a lot of women laugh over the years and thought i'd clicked on a personal level many times, but the end result was the same.

I went home a lot just grateful for the chance to have coversations with women.

And let me clarify that these girls would have been ranged from loud/outgoing to shy/quiet, to slim to overweight, to girls who would be quite popular to girls who seemed to have few friends. They all had one thing in common, they didn’t like fat guys.

Again, the majority of your post is great encouragement for the OP and you’re clearly a very nice person, but I’d find this part a little patronizing

Out of interest, you mentioned you think over weight guys are hot. How many have you gone out with, or even snogged in public?

Sorry for butting in! When i met my husband he would have been overweight at 14 stone and a bit for his height 5 foot 8. But i was madly attracted to him. He had confidence and approached me and i was hook line and sinker. I have always like big guys. Im not talking obese and unhealthy but I defo like a man big. bit of belly no problem etc. I find skinny men unattractive. Not meaning to brag myself but i was constantly being asked out by guys and pursued. So when i met my husband . He admitted to me a few weeks in he felt sick and ill at ease cos he didnt know what i was doing with him. Even some of the lads i hung around with said to me I could do better. I was hugely insulted by this because to me my man is better than Brad pitt. Honestly have never fancied a guy so much. Anyway my point is there are women, even hot women out there who like bigger guys.

Maga

Hi there,

Hi D-Fens, my apologies if I came across as patronising, and I can see why you say this, but my views are absolutely genuine and are based on my personal experience. Unfortunately that doesn't mean they are prevalent - but I thought I should share them to give a different perspective.

To answer your question, I had two steady boyfriends (over 2-years relationship with each one) who were very overweight, one of them would have been considered very obese. Obviously I would go out with them in public! As for going on dates, I'd say a good number of them were very overweight, ranging from a bit on the heavier side to very obese. I find them handsome, I feel protected by a bigger guy and I think they are a delight to cuddle with and to do other things with

In relationships, I always try to choose a guy based on his personality/ qualities, so I also had dates who were of average weight. But if I had to choose based only on the physical appearance and on weight, I would go for the heavier ones. I do have two close female friends who share my opinion, and whenever we go out together, we point out the heavier guys to each other and hope they will look our way.

I know where you are coming from when you asked me these things. I'm aware there is a good number of ignorant people out there who will treat anyone who is slightly different in a horrible way. Slightly out of topic, but I had a boyfriend who came from a poor background and was dark skinned. When I introduced him to my friends, most of my friends thought he was great. A couple of my friends made mean comments to me and behind my back, and treated him with disdain. Needless to say, these are not my friends anymore.

I also think there is a slow but steady trend - and its easier to notice it on the web than on general media (tv/magazines) - of people rebelling against the stupid american MTV media definition of what is attractive and what is not. The Dove commercial is only one example of it, but you can find more on the web. Diversity is growing - although shyly - in the media, and hopefully people's perception of beauty will also grow beyond the standard caucasian 25yo model with a skinny/athletic body.

Now you say that doesn't work in clubs and in the general dating scene. I agree with you. Again, based on my personal experience, clubs (and even the odd friend's friend date) seem to bring the worst out of people. Sometimes it seems like a facebook parade, where scoring a hot/rich guy/girl is a matter of status and self-affirmation among their peers, and not an opportunity to meet a nice person with whom you could develop a great relationship.

Among us girls, for example, it is hard to score in a club if you are too short, or too chubby, or have short hair, or wear non-revealing clothes, you name it, anything not particularly trendy and not according to the "norms". Depending on the club, it is really hard to get positive attention if we don't go along with the "norm". So I'm agreeing with you - I do think it can be hard for an overweight guy to score in a club, and it is also hard for a short guy, or a a gothic guy, or a poor guy etc.

But we must keep in mind that this is not because an overweight (or short, or chubby, or poor etc) person is "loathsome" (to use OP's words) or even ugly. Again a cliche, but it's only because the person is different from MTV-based media.

But there are other environments where people are far more accepting and open-minded. So there are places and groups of people where an overweight guy can receive girls attention and develop a great relationship.

(D-Fens, I noticed you mentioned some girls from work as well, I don’t know what these girls are like, but maybe they are the same people as the ones who would go to mainstream clubs?)

D-FENS

Julie London wrote: »

Sorry for butting in! When i met my husband he would have been overweight at 14 stone and a bit for his height 5 foot 8. But i was madly attracted to him. He had confidence and approached me and i was hook line and sinker. I have always like big guys. Im not talking obese and unhealthy but I defo like a man big. bit of belly no problem etc. I find skinny men unattractive. Not meaning to brag myself but i was constantly being asked out by guys and pursued. So when i met my husband . He admitted to me a few weeks in he felt sick and ill at ease cos he didnt know what i was doing with him. Even some of the lads i hung around with said to me I could do better. I was hugely insulted by this because to me my man is better than Brad pitt. Honestly have never fancied a guy so much. Anyway my point is there are women, even hot women out there who like bigger guys.

I wouldn’t call 14 stone overweight, even for a guy 5.8, I’d kill to be that weight, but none the less you’re husband’s a lucky guy, fair play to him for working his magic on you.
I’m curious though, did you know him before you yourself lost all that weight? You mentioned how good it felt to knock back a guy who had been mean to you when you were overweight, was one of the qualities you seen in your husband the fact that he treated you no different before and after your weight loss?
Or do you think you are more appreciative of the less obvious qualities of an overweight person, given the fact you were overweight yourself?

D-FENS

Maga wrote: »

Hi there,

Hi D-Fens, my apologies if I came across as patronising, and I can see why you say this, but my views are absolutely genuine and are based on my personal experience. Unfortunately that doesn't mean they are prevalent - but I thought I should share them to give a different perspective.

To answer your question, I had two steady boyfriends (over 2-years relationship with each one) who were very overweight, one of them would have been considered very obese. Obviously I would go out with them in public! As for going on dates, I'd say a good number of them were very overweight, ranging from a bit on the heavier side to very obese. I find them handsome, I feel protected by a bigger guy and I think they are a delight to cuddle with and to do other things with

In relationships, I always try to choose a guy based on his personality/ qualities, so I also had dates who were of average weight. But if I had to choose based only on the physical appearance and on weight, I would go for the heavier ones. I do have two close female friends who share my opinion, and whenever we go out together, we point out the heavier guys to each other and hope they will look our way.

I know where you are coming from when you asked me these things. I'm aware there is a good number of ignorant people out there who will treat anyone who is slightly different in a horrible way. Slightly out of topic, but I had a boyfriend who came from a poor background and was dark skinned. When I introduced him to my friends, most of my friends thought he was great. A couple of my friends made mean comments to me and behind my back, and treated him with disdain. Needless to say, these are not my friends anymore.

I also think there is a slow but steady trend - and its easier to notice it on the web than on general media (tv/magazines) - of people rebelling against the stupid american MTV media definition of what is attractive and what is not. The Dove commercial is only one example of it, but you can find more on the web. Diversity is growing - although shyly - in the media, and hopefully people's perception of beauty will also grow beyond the standard caucasian 25yo model with a skinny/athletic body.

Now you say that doesn't work in clubs and in the general dating scene. I agree with you. Again, based on my personal experience, clubs (and even the odd friend's friend date) seem to bring the worst out of people. Sometimes it seems like a facebook parade, where scoring a hot/rich guy/girl is a matter of status and self-affirmation among their peers, and not an opportunity to meet a nice person with whom you could develop a great relationship.

Among us girls, for example, it is hard to score in a club if you are too short, or too chubby, or have short hair, or wear non-revealing clothes, you name it, anything not particularly trendy and not according to the "norms". Depending on the club, it is really hard to get positive attention if we don't go along with the "norm". So I'm agreeing with you - I do think it can be hard for an overweight guy to score in a club, and it is also hard for a short guy, or a a gothic guy, or a poor guy etc.

But we must keep in mind that this is not because an overweight (or short, or chubby, or poor etc) person is "loathsome" (to use OP's words) or even ugly. Again a cliche, but it's only because the person is different from MTV-based media.

But there are other environments where people are far more accepting and open-minded. So there are places and groups of people where an overweight guy can receive girls attention and develop a great relationship.

(D-Fens, I noticed you mentioned some girls from work as well, I don’t know what these girls are like, but maybe they are the same people as the ones who would go to mainstream clubs?)

I stand corrected in your case Maga, and I’m kicking myself that I never frequented the same places as you and your mates

But seriously, you’re right, nightclubs usually have a very narrow minded set of rules for courting, luckily I have not been in one since my stage do 5 years ago.

They do say you are better off searching for someone in a non-drinking environment, I unfortunately never found anyone involved in the hobbies I had.

My story is that I lost about 4 stone, and had the best year of my life meeting women, which included meeting my wife. I’ve never seen this as a coincidence.

I’ve since put most of that back on, but have never doubted my wife still loves me and sees me as she did then

Because of this, I’d stand by my theory but accept there are rare exceptions like Julie London and yourself who see past a guy’s appearance, as my wife does nowadays, but my advice to the OP would be to try all he can to lose some weight (diet, light swimming/exercise bike/walkng worked for me, trying to motivate myself to do it again ), rather than go around in the hope of finding a very rare woman who likes fat men.

pastorbarrett

I must confess I got more than a little laugh out of the title of your thread op, but therein lies the solution (or at least part of it)!

I too endured a similar lifelong predicament as yourself and understand how these difficulties can seem insurmountable. At least in my own case I can say several factors were at play-personal dissatisfaction, unhappiness, terrible diet, inability to cook healthily, lack of knowledge concerning nutrition, no exercise etc. For me, the above lead to an ever increasing sense of self loathing, ruinous in terms of life, personal relationships, any semblance of self esteem.

But there is a way out. As ever, it's not quick and it's not easy, but it will work if you really want to.

Practically speaking, move more. Seriously. Walk, cycle, jog, whatever. Find something that works for you. In the beginning it will be tortuous. But it will pay off, physically, but more importantly emotionally. You'll notice yourself feeling consistently better within a few weeks of commencing an activity.

Address personal issues. See what resources are available locally to suit your personal situation.

Learn to cook for yourself. You'll be surprised how tasty relatively healthy food can be. For me, it was a revelation.

Good luck. Don't worry about setbacks. Be patient and keep your personal goals in sight.

Edit: noted inability to cycle,jog on Doctors advice. But of paramount importance to find an activity you can engage in and hopefully maybe even enjoy. Best of luck.

saa

If you get checked out by your GP and there is no reason they can see that is causing it a lot of GP's think their patients are lazy but as you said you're not and it sounds like you want some kind of change which is the most important thing to actually want to change for good. I think somtimes dieting or a healthy lifestyle change might not be the answer right now, maybe talk about it with someone who will help you figure out why you're in this cycle and how to reverse the self loathing

some people just get fed up change what they eat and exercise more but then a lot of people don't keep that up because what's going on in their head which started the cycle of weight gain comes into play again,

I don't know your situation or what is best for you but I just feel like what are you going to improve first your mind or your body because one usually follows the other I truly believe

Julie London

D-FENS wrote: »

I wouldn’t call 14 stone overweight, even for a guy 5.8, I’d kill to be that weight, but none the less you’re husband’s a lucky guy, fair play to him for working his magic on you.
I’m curious though, did you know him before you yourself lost all that weight? You mentioned how good it felt to knock back a guy who had been mean to you when you were overweight, was one of the qualities you seen in your husband the fact that he treated you no different before and after your weight loss?
Or do you think you are more appreciative of the less obvious qualities of an overweight person, given the fact you were overweight yourself?

I dont think 14 stone is overweight for a man myself! but i know alot of people men included who think it is.
I didnt know my husband when i was fat, so this didnt factor into it. I honestly cannot say if he would have approached me had i been fat, prob not! lets face it society sucks that way. But i definitely have developed a radar for arogant bully jock type men who love themselves. And i definitely see the beauty in someone from the inside, I think its cos i was fat myself. But i just honestly find big men attractive. I think its the caveman mentality. Get a big strong man to protect you! and carry you off! sad and feminists in here will kill me but id say that has something to do with it for me personally. I have dated skinny guys too, and never felt as attracted to them.