Could really use some help straightening this out in my head

LegacyUser

Split up with a long-term girlfriend last year. I had to study abroad for a year, and we realised we'd come to that point where if we stayed together it was going to turn into something very very serious (in the direction of marriage etc., i guess). She felt that neither of us had had enough experience as single people and that going on as we were was not a good idea. This was coming more from her than me, to be honest, as I am quite comfortable in my skin and sure about the things I want, but I agreed on the basis that if she was having these thoughts then she obviously needed some time to find out more about herself, and I wouldn't like doubts to creep in later on were we to stay together. We broke up, as opposed to taking a break, but the door was open to see what happened when I came back.

That was that, it was obviously quite painful, but on the whole I think we had the most amicable break-up I've ever heard of, despite (I think) us both still having strong feelings for each other, and we parted as friends. This was about two weeks before I left.

It might seem weird, but my question doesn't directly deal with all that. Awkwardly enough, a week later it was my birthday, and she wanted to come up to see me & give me a present etc., which I thought was very nice of her. We went out to the pub with friends, and the following day we were to have dinner. It was fun going out, wonderfully not strange, we both worked hard to keep ourselves together. I went home about two am, she stayed out. When we met for dinner the next evening though I could tell there was something a bit strange, and eventually it came out that she ended up with someone after I left the night before, not quite sleeping together but being very intimate let's say. The guy wasn't exactly a friend of mine, but someone I would know pretty well.

I was gutted. I know that 'technically' she did nothing wrong, she was probably emotionally-charged, and there was drink involved etc. etc. But she had to know what it would do to me so soon after us breaking up and right before I left, not too mention the fairly incongruous timing with the birthday. I was reasonably angry with her at the time, but I don't think I ever let her see the true extent of how much it hurt me. We have since patched it up and I talk to her a lot, nearly daily, as a friend now. Sometimes when I think of what happened though it still sends a shiver through me.

All I'm wondering, basically, is whether it's right to feel this way? Or should I cop on, she was free to do what she liked?

ElvisP

Grow a pair of f*cking balls you pus*y

Big Bag of Chips

She WAS free to do what she liked. But, you are still entitled to be a bit gutted by it.

What you have to understand is, while the breakup came completely out of the blue for you, it would have been something that was playing on her mind for a while. As in, she didn't on a whim, suddenly just decide to break up with you.

So while your feelings for her would not have changed a whole lot, you still loved her, didn't think about being with others, would have been happy to stay with her, and possibly get married. Her feelings were changing. She WAS thinking about being with other people, not being in such a serious relationship etc.

She wasn't wrong to do what she did.

But you're not wrong to feel how you did/do.

Ickle Magoo

ElvisP wrote: »

Grow a pair of f*cking balls you pus*y

permabanned.

Elmidena

Let her know how much it hurt you; if there's ever a chance of you getting back together you want that cleared up now, not when things start to knit together. Also, it shows that your friendship may be a little false if you don't want to admit it. There's still a dirty stigma about men feeling things, but there's nothing wrong with admitting something hurt when it did. Carrying it around with you won't help anybody, least of all you, and talking about it would possibly help you. She didn't do anything "wrong" but it DEFINITELY lacked tact, but it probably wasn't intentional given all the factors you listed

Best of luck OP, things will pick up for you in time

BraziliaNZ

Why are you hanging around with a girl that dumped you? Things like this happen when you do! Steer clear to avoid such situations.

Killed By Death

She felt that neither of us had had enough experience as single people

I'm afraid that's exactly what I once told and ex when I really meant I want to be with other people.

She probably had her eye on the fella she 'ended up with' that night for quite some time. It's very difficult to tell someone you are breaking up with them because you fancy someone else and a lot of people can't bring themselves to be that brutal.

It's probably not right but it's common. You have to learn to read between the lines.

Katgurl

Sorry ok technically she was free to do what she liked but she came out for your bday and then copped off with someone you knew?! I sincerely hope none of your friends were still around to witness it.

No no no no no.

I have broken up with guys that I cared about but didn't want to fully commit to. One in particular was a great guy and I hated hurting him even though I didn't want to continue the relationship or take to the next level (he wanted to move in together).

In a million years I wouldn't have behaved like that.

It's possibly pointless at this stage giving in to your anger, or maybe not. But I think it's understandable.

Also, I think you're still into her and some distance would be good so you can move on. It sounds to me like you could do much better anyway.

Mini2011

I have to agree with Katgirl. She's giving you sound advice. I recently broke up with my boyfriend, he had no option but to end it I didn't fight for it. it wasn't working for me so made excuses not to hurt him. I basically didn't feel strongly enough about him to take it to next stage. Know he was more interested in me. I was with him for just over a year.

I've been at the receiving end of a break up too so I can also understand your situation. Try not to be hard on yourself. In my opinion you have every right to be upset. I still care for my ex and respect him and therefore I would never dream of doing what your ex did on you.

Fair enough she was free to do what she wanted. But she could have picked any other night to do this. If she was with you that long she'd know how you'd react to it.
As I've said to my friends I have to respect the relationship we had so I wasn't going to head out and do the likes of being with somebody from same circle as ex. And so soon after??? Very disrespectful.

Personally I think she wants the safety net of having you there. I know with my situation we talked about us just having a break similar to what you seem to be doing. Yes it was scary going out alone again but i had to be strong. So after two wks I told I wouldn't be going back. It would have been cosy for me to know he's there when somebody turns me down but it's not fair to keep people's hopes up like that.

If u love somebody so much you wouldn't risk losing them. These time outs are usually a weak way of breaking up. But then again they can work out. As the saying goes ' if it's meant to be it'll be'

I would back off on contact with her. Go out there , enjoy your year, you're going to grow as a person and I'm sure u'll meet plenty on the way. I wouldn't bother letting her know how upset u are, I'm sure she's not stupid.

It is true : when somebody breaks up with u, they've done it in their head a while back before expressing it to you so they move on quicker.

I'm not saying Ur ex is horrible but the situation has changed and u have to put yourself first. And if u are annoyed I think you've every right to be. Allow yourself to feel it and then try to let it go to move on.

Hope this helps. This things pass and believe it or not you'll look back at this some stage and not give a damn

Now get out there and start on that new chapter in your life. Good luck- don't think you'll need it though , seem like a nice guy!!