Recurring theme!

LegacyUser

Hi all...any advice or words of wisdom would be great.

Ive been single since april 2008. I wouldnt say i'm super model material but im attractive enough and get offers. In the last few months in particular ive met many men but the problem is they all vanish, some without txting and others after a few msgs.

Most recently I met a guy before christmas and HE asked to go on a date, the night i suggested he couldnt as he had training then I couldnt the next time...so then he said for thursday (12th) and that suited.

So we had been txting last weekend bitta flirting the usual...and then...he vanished. Didnt hear from him since! Now I know it's pretty obvious "hes just not that into you (sometimes i wish people would see that as being exactly the case!) but what annoys me is....HE was the one asking to meet up again! Angered by the situation I txt him on thursday night saying it was bad form etc...and no reply. Obviously I know now that hes not worth my time but aside from him, it seems to happen to me a lot and im getting sick of these vanishing acts, and of course, its always the ones I like!

It's the age-old question I know but.....what's going wrong?!

ElvisP

Judging by your English, it sounds like you're a f***ing moron tbh.

Ickle Magoo

ElvisP permabanned for spamming the forum with inane, troll replies.

Elmidena

Take it with a pinch of salt and chalk it up to experience, this kind of behaviour strikes me as highly immature and sadly this sort of carry-on seems to be more prevalent in this day and age. At least it weeds out the men from the boys as it were. Just enjoy life and take delight in whatever happens romantically, but don't actively seek it as would-be suitors can see this a mile off, and it can act as a relationship repellant. Everyone's different, so don't tar all guys with the same brush, but hopefully you'll get some better luck soon OP *hugs*

newuser30

ElvisP has had to go back to sitting on the crapper stuffing his face with burgers.

OP I think these days to expect any kind of chivalry or manners is actually leading to your disappointment. Everything is so fast moving, with the technology and everything, people just dont think its necessary to finish a 'textual' relationship, you hadn't even gone on a date, and were holding out for this guy? He was probably texting/fbing/emailing/messaging and flirting/dating loads of other women, going by the guys I know! So I would say you too should keep your options very open!! The fact you texted him telling him of your annoyance would of come across as a bit desperate, as if you were waiting for him. It doesnt matter if he was the one asking for a date. Chill out and as the above poster says don't actively seek someone out, just go with the flow, and I find its easier to view everyone as a friend first, if you view them as potential relationship material thats putting a lot of expectation/pressure for it to turn out that way.

Ickle Magoo

newuser30, don't feed trolls and give them motivation to re-reg and keep trolling - just report, ignore and let the moderators deal with them.

Please keep replies on topic and helpful to the OP and be aware that off-topic and unhelpful posting can earn you a ban from this forum.

If you haven't done so already, take the time to read the [URL=" http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2056181484"]forum rules[/URL] in the charter and abide by them.

Many thanks.

LegacyUser

Well as far as I can see, nothing's going wrong. Things would be going wrong if you continually chased after these guys who haven't the backbone to be straight with you.

As it is, you're doing exactly the right thing. You're meeting lads, arranging dates, and not chasing them if they turn out to be twats.

Th one thing I woud say is to stop worrying about being single. You say you've been single since April 2008. Surely other things have happened to you in your life besides being single??!! I think it's important not to dwell on things like being single, because what happens is that it might come across in your interactions with the opposite sex (whether you intend it to come across or not). I often find that if I'm dwelling on something, it'll either come out in my actions or I'll say something unsuitable (eg upset with friend over something silly, don't want to say anything, but my friend can pick up on the bad atmosphere). The same goes for meeting a guy/girl, they can pick up on things you dwell on whether you realise it or not.

I could have this all wrong because I don't know you at all. I'm just talking from personal experience, so you can take what I've said on board if you think it applies to you.

LovelyLottie

OP - this i'm afraid is just part and parcel of dating. There are lots of nice guys out there. But you have to keep your wits about you.

* If someone flakes out before a first date, he/she is a flake. It's annoying, but they're the kind of person you wouldn't really want to be with anyway. Don't bother texting / calling to register your annoyance, it will come across as needy and it will be ignored. You ignore it and pretend you don't care, even if you're balling your eyes out into your pillow.

* Don't get too deeply into texting / messaging guys until you've had a few dates. You don't know who else he's in contact with.

* In the beginning, let the guy do most of the contacting. Guys like doing the chasing if it's someone they're interested in. I'm not saying to play games or be false, but just hold back a little and don't be initiating lots of contact, see if he's actually interested by playing it a little bit cooler than you might normally do.

It's frustrating when something that seemed promising doesn't work out, but don't let it get you down. Move on and keep looking. Good luck.

phoenix833

LovelyLottie wrote: »

OP - this i'm afraid is just part and parcel of dating. There are lots of nice guys out there. But you have to keep your wits about you.

* If someone flakes out before a first date, he/she is a flake. It's annoying, but they're the kind of person you wouldn't really want to be with anyway. Don't bother texting / calling to register your annoyance, it will come across as needy and it will be ignored. You ignore it and pretend you don't care, even if you're balling your eyes out into your pillow.

* Don't get too deeply into texting / messaging guys until you've had a few dates. You don't know who else he's in contact with.

* In the beginning, let the guy do most of the contacting. Guys like doing the chasing if it's someone they're interested in. I'm not saying to play games or be false, but just hold back a little and don't be initiating lots of contact, see if he's actually interested by playing it a little bit cooler than you might normally do.

It's frustrating when something that seemed promising doesn't work out, but don't let it get you down. Move on and keep looking. Good luck.

Brilliant post. I agree 100% with what you've said anyway, especially about the guys. Of course we like the chase...it's primal!

flowerchild

sickofdatinggame wrote: »

Hi all...any advice or words of wisdom would be great.

Ive been single since april 2008. I wouldnt say i'm super model material but im attractive enough and get offers. In the last few months in particular ive met many men but the problem is they all vanish, some without txting and others after a few msgs.

Most recently I met a guy before christmas and HE asked to go on a date, the night i suggested he couldnt as he had training then I couldnt the next time...so then he said for thursday (12th) and that suited.

So we had been txting last weekend bitta flirting the usual...and then...he vanished. Didnt hear from him since! Now I know it's pretty obvious "hes just not that into you (sometimes i wish people would see that as being exactly the case!) but what annoys me is....HE was the one asking to meet up again! Angered by the situation I txt him on thursday night saying it was bad form etc...and no reply. Obviously I know now that hes not worth my time but aside from him, it seems to happen to me a lot and im getting sick of these vanishing acts, and of course, its always the ones I like!

It's the age-old question I know but.....what's going wrong?!

If it is as you say, a recurring theme, then the only factor in common is yourself. Painful as it can be, really look at how you are creating these results. It is not usual for people to vanish without saying anything, so consider:

• are you over-drinking, to the point of being unpleasant?
• are you saying rude, abusive things to your dates, perhaps without really meaning to?
• have you moved to a point in your own life where the partners you are attracted to are actually less likely to be physically attracted to you to the same degree?
• do you have approaches in personal moments that others may not like?
• (confronting but worth considering) do you have bad breath?

Really reflect on what you are doing now, and how you would like to be, both with those you are just getting to know and those you have known for a long time.

The people who are most successful in relationships are those who are prepared to be 'at cause' in their results, and their behaviour.

I am sure that you are right about being attractive, since you would not be getting so many initial dates if you were not. You need to really think about how to be just as attractive inside as you are in your appearance and in your intellect.

If you take advice which is about blaming 'the other', it will feel more comfortable in the short term, but nothing will change in the results you are getting. If you are prepared to change your attitudes and behaviour then anything is possible.

Good luck. It must be a very tricky time.

LegacyUser

flowerchild wrote: »

If it is as you say, a recurring theme, then the only factor in common is yourself. Painful as it can be, really look at how you are creating these results. It is not usual for people to vanish without saying anything, so consider:

• are you over-drinking, to the point of being unpleasant?
• are you saying rude, abusive things to your dates, perhaps without really meaning to?
• have you moved to a point in your own life where the partners you are attracted to are actually less likely to be physically attracted to you to the same degree?
• do you have approaches in personal moments that others may not like?
• (confronting but worth considering) do you have bad breath?

Really reflect on what you are doing now, and how you would like to be, both with those you are just getting to know and those you have known for a long time.

The people who are most successful in relationships are those who are prepared to be 'at cause' in their results, and their behaviour.

I am sure that you are right about being attractive, since you would not be getting so many initial dates if you were not. You need to really think about how to be just as attractive inside as you are in your appearance and in your intellect.

If you take advice which is about blaming 'the other', it will feel more comfortable in the short term, but nothing will change in the results you are getting. If you are prepared to change your attitudes and behaviour then anything is possible.

Good luck. It must be a very tricky time.

That's a bit harsh! Fact is that she hasn't done anything - HE asked her out - then HE flaked before they'd even met - there's no suggestion she's "moved to a point in your own life where the partners you are attracted to are actually less likely to be physically attracted to you to the same degree?" etc.
What we have here is a guy who just wanted a bit of attention - just a bit - and may well have other girls on the go?
OP, I had three single years in my early 30s. They were brutal and I met some horrible guys, and was treated really unfairly for no reason on a few occasions, despite making a point of behaving really well myself... eventually I met my husband
Unfortunately some people just loose all sense of consideration, manners and compassion when they date, perhaps because their own egos are so fragile. I wouldn't torture myself too much about someone else's failings. Just keep dating, you will meet a nice guy! & keep your own standards high.

LegacyUser

Username90210 wrote: »

That's a bit harsh! Fact is that she hasn't done anything - HE asked her out - then HE flaked before they'd even met - there's no suggestion she's "moved to a point in your own life where the partners you are attracted to are actually less likely to be physically attracted to you to the same degree?" etc.
What we have here is a guy who just wanted a bit of attention - just a bit - and may well have other girls on the go?
OP, I had three single years in my early 30s. They were brutal and I met some horrible guys, and was treated really unfairly for no reason on a few occasions, despite making a point of behaving really well myself... eventually I met my husband
Unfortunately some people just loose all sense of consideration, manners and compassion when they date, perhaps because their own egos are so fragile. I wouldn't torture myself too much about someone else's failings. Just keep dating, you will meet a nice guy! & keep your own standards high.

I agree that it's extremely poor manners to leave someone hanging. I still think there's no harm in a bit of self reflection however at times in our lives, and this might be one of those times when the OP would benefit from it.

Saying that, the bit about 'you mightn't be as attractive now you're older' was harsh alright! And it also points to a dismissal of men as being mere animals who strive for physical beauty above and beyond everything else. Men can be quite nice to women who don't look like models *shock horror*

LovelyLottie

flowerchild wrote: »

If it is as you say, a recurring theme, then the only factor in common is yourself. Painful as it can be, really look at how you are creating these results. It is not usual for people to vanish without saying anything, so consider:

• are you over-drinking, to the point of being unpleasant?
• are you saying rude, abusive things to your dates, perhaps without really meaning to?
• have you moved to a point in your own life where the partners you are attracted to are actually less likely to be physically attracted to you to the same degree?
• do you have approaches in personal moments that others may not like?
• (confronting but worth considering) do you have bad breath?

Really reflect on what you are doing now, and how you would like to be, both with those you are just getting to know and those you have known for a long time.

The people who are most successful in relationships are those who are prepared to be 'at cause' in their results, and their behaviour.

I am sure that you are right about being attractive, since you would not be getting so many initial dates if you were not. You need to really think about how to be just as attractive inside as you are in your appearance and in your intellect.

If you take advice which is about blaming 'the other', it will feel more comfortable in the short term, but nothing will change in the results you are getting. If you are prepared to change your attitudes and behaviour then anything is possible.

Good luck. It must be a very tricky time.

Now OP, i reeeeaaaalllllly hope you're not saying rude, abusive things to your dates or overdrinking to the point of being unpleasant, wtf?

In today's (and probably every other generation's!) dating scene, some people initiate contact, ask you out, then change their mind - men and women are both guilty of it. It's not nice but if you hold back a little and protect yourself a bit more, you'll be less hurt if it happens again.

Of course, a bit of self-reflection is always good. Try and be the best you can be, treat others as you'd like to be treated and perhaps think about whether it might be the kinds of guys you're going for.... Failing that get yourself a large pack of mints, in case it is in fact your bad breath, again wtf??? :pac:

flowerchild

LovelyLottie wrote: »

Try and be the best you can be, treat others as you'd like to be treated and perhaps think about whether it might be the kinds of guys you're going for

Great advice.

LegacyUser

flowerchild wrote: »

If it is as you say, a recurring theme, then the only factor in common is yourself. Painful as it can be, really look at how you are creating these results. It is not usual for people to vanish without saying anything, so consider:

• are you over-drinking, to the point of being unpleasant?
• are you saying rude, abusive things to your dates, perhaps without really meaning to?
• have you moved to a point in your own life where the partners you are attracted to are actually less likely to be physically attracted to you to the same degree?
• do you have approaches in personal moments that others may not like?
• (confronting but worth considering) do you have bad breath?

Really reflect on what you are doing now, and how you would like to be, both with those you are just getting to know and those you have known for a long time.

The people who are most successful in relationships are those who are prepared to be 'at cause' in their results, and their behaviour.

I am sure that you are right about being attractive, since you would not be getting so many initial dates if you were not. You need to really think about how to be just as attractive inside as you are in your appearance and in your intellect.

If you take advice which is about blaming 'the other', it will feel more comfortable in the short term, but nothing will change in the results you are getting. If you are prepared to change your attitudes and behaviour then anything is possible.

Good luck. It must be a very tricky time.

Hi all thanks for the replies...lottie thanks for the reassuring words!

im well aware that its something that happens to women and men but my friends and I were recently commenting on how often it happens. I know i only met this particular male once but HE did the chasing...it's just bad manners I guess! I have no doubt he'll send some random msgs in a few weeks with some nonsense excuse (wont fall for it...fear not!) but its just infuriating in general.

I also have another problem...I attract men with girlfriends. My friends have often said that if we were in a room with 100 single men and one who's attached.....he'd come to me.

Now to reply to flowerchild. To be fair I think you're being a bit harsh (as the others have also said) so A) no im not drinking too much. im not rude and as for your third point? I think that's a bit of a silly thing to say to be honest. These men than "arent attracted to me" are clearly saying otherwise........just saying

LovelyLottie

You don't attract men with girlfriends - men with girlfriends approach you, and you entertain their nonsense. In future, don't Simples

LegacyUser

Well it would be as "simple" as that if I knew from the start that they have girlfriends. If i knew then clearly I wouldnt entertain them...

Miss Fluff

You got excellent advice from Lovely Lottie - her tips were spot on.

sickofdatinggame wrote: »

So we had been txting last weekend bitta flirting the usual...and then...he vanished. Didnt hear from him since!

The "usual"? Personally after one date I wouldn't be flirting by text with someone. I'd let them do all the contacting and anyone who tried to flirt with me or get into sexting after one date is obviously only after the ride. In my experience any bloke who tries to get involved in sexy talk after one meeting is blatantly chancing his arm and seeing how far he can push it. A guy who thinks of you as a potential girlfriend most probably won't as he'll be keen to imrpess you and keep you on side. How far did the flirting go? If it was overt then in his mind you're a sure thing - no need to chase you any more and he'll be in touch if and when he's horny as to his mind you're up for it.

Also, how are you meeting these guys? Is it online dating sites or what?

And this nonsense of only attracting men who are attached? You obviously entertain them to some degree or don't ask pertinent questions. That won't lead you anywhere so stop it.

LegacyUser

Surprisingly enough im meeting them in pubs and not online dating and as for the "flirting" im well aware of sexting etc...this was flirting regarding something we had joked about the night I met him. Not what colour underwear I was wearing.

In future though before I ask someone their name i'm gonna ask them about their relationship status ;-)

In my original post I mentioned that it seems to be happening more frequently with friends/their friends and so on...we can't all have halitosis can we? And surely we're not all putting out the "wrong" message?
Maybe some men/women are just simply out for sex.

LegacyUser

Username90210 wrote: »

That's a bit harsh! Fact is that she hasn't done anything - HE asked her out - then HE flaked before they'd even met - there's no suggestion she's "moved to a point in your own life where the partners you are attracted to are actually less likely to be physically attracted to you to the same degree?" etc.
What we have here is a guy who just wanted a bit of attention - just a bit - and may well have other girls on the go?
OP, I had three single years in my early 30s. They were brutal and I met some horrible guys, and was treated really unfairly for no reason on a few occasions, despite making a point of behaving really well myself... eventually I met my husband
Unfortunately some people just loose all sense of consideration, manners and compassion when they date, perhaps because their own egos are so fragile. I wouldn't torture myself too much about someone else's failings. Just keep dating, you will meet a nice guy! & keep your own standards high.

Btw thanks for that 90210...your last point is kinda what I was trying to put across, you just did it better im sure he probably does have other women on the go (how could he!:-P ) we have mutual friends so i'm sure i'll be seeing him again in the future. Nod and smileee nod and smile