Electricity

LegacyUser

Going unreg for this, and it's slightly long but it's a genuine question. How many of you who are currently in long-term relationships, either married or going that way, who felt something special with your partner? As in, you knew there was something special or different about this particular person?

I ask as I'm a married man of 3 years, who never felt that spark with my wife. I still don't feel it, and never will at this stage. But that's not the reason I'm asking. The reason is because I felt it once for a different woman, quite a few years ago now, and I wonder whether I should have felt it before getting married?

She'll never read this so it doesn't matter, but I was learning to ski in Kilternan about 7 - 8 years ago and on my last lesson a girl arrived quite a bit later than everybody else and I just knew from the moment she arrived that there was something different about her. I was attracted to her, definitely, but it was much more than that - there was a spark. It ended up that we were the only people left on the slope, having a laugh, and before the night was out I asked her out and we met up. We had 8 seemingly glorious weeks together, where I fell head over heels for her, and she seemed to reciprocate but then for some reason she didn't want to see me again. I was devastated, absolutely gutted. But for those 8 weeks there was something amazing between us - I couldn't wait to see her, couldn't wait to be with her, kiss her, etc, it was like nothing I'd ever experienced before.

Anyway, moving forwards, I met my wife a few years later through work, we got on well, got married and have been living with each other for nearly 6 years. No spark, but we get on well and function well as a couple. My worry is that other couples who got married felt this spark before getting married, so had something bigger to join them, whereas we just got married - there was nothing to it other than that. I know these sort of things fade away with time, but are they important to start with? Do they form a big part of any lasting or meaningful relationship?

I'm in my mid-30's, she's just beyond 30, so we're still relatively young, but I'm at a loss to explain whether I'm alone in this situation, or whether there are other couples like us, who got married through circumstance rather than feelings? I don't know whether this is the relationship for me, and I can't say I'm happy, but I don't know whether it's worth my while worrying about it if this is a standard situation for other couples?

wivy

I really wonder about this too OP. would love to hear peoples opinions.
With my previous boyfriend I never had that spark and after that relationship I swore to myself I would never go out with someone I never had the spark. Looking back it was just like two very close friends living with each other, stuck in a routine nothing special and nothing much to say for the relationship. However, cant help but wonder if im setting myself up for a fail if i wait to find that sparkler..

caoimhecute

OP what do you think the previous woman had that your wife doesn't have or what was it that created that spark? did you never have a spark with your wife in the first few weeks? as far as i am aware that spark doesn't last i could be wrong but i think it develops into a deeper love that has no spark.

how did that woman behave with you? was she distant with you or did she confess her undying love? how should we women behave to get a man to long for us like you long for that woman?

starrynightsky

I'm afraid I don't have the answers but it is also an issue I've grappled with over the years. I've never been married, but I have had 6 long term relationships lasting between 1 year and 5 years. I am currently single, and really looking back and wondering a lot about "spark", attraction, chemistry, contentment and committment. So here's my 2 cents worth. My most fulfilling relationship, in the sense of enjoying each others company, not hurting one another, having a "healthy" balance, respecting each other and managing to live your life well as an individual as well as as a couple was with someone I had little initial "spark" with. He was ticked all the right boxes but, no, there wasn't that immediate fire. We broke up in the end because I suppose I was looking for those fireworks, but I do look back and wonder if I made the right choice. I'm 33 now and this man would have made an excellent husband and father. On the flipside, my least successful relationships - fighting all the time, different outlooks on life, different priorities, jealousy, dependency etc - have been with people I had an enormous amount of initial spark with. Even worse than this, when I was quite young (19/20) I felt fireworks galore for a guy who ended up being violent towards me. I think if you look for the spark you take a gamble. Lets face it, millions of marriages around the world, and no doubt very many of our parents generation, were built successfully on factors other than spark. Chemistry is something we look for now, and value, rightly or wrongly, but it is a relatively new phenomenon. We want it all. And some people, I'm sure, find both. Others learn to appreciate people because they enjoy their company, have a decent sex life and respect each other even if they don't go weak at the knees in their presence.

Gilldog

Tricity wrote: »

I met my wife a few years later through work, we got on well, got married and have been living with each other for nearly 6 years. No spark, but we get on well and function well as a couple.
I'm in my mid-30's, she's just beyond 30, so we're still relatively young, but I'm at a loss to explain whether I'm alone in this situation, or whether there are other couples like us, who got married through circumstance rather than feelings? I don't know whether this is the relationship for me, and I can't say I'm happy, but I don't know whether it's worth my while worrying about it if this is a standard situation for other couples?

Obviously people get married for lots of reasons, and not everybody has that fairytale romance that we're promised by the movies. However, reading your post made me a bit sad OP, as you seem to have settled for someone that suits, rather than someone you really love and want to share your life with.
I would ask, do you see yourself being with this person for the next fifty years and enjoying eachothers company?
In my opinion many of people settle in relationships; im not sure if its that they think they should marry as they have reached a certain age, or maybe because they want children and feel that they don't have a lot of time left, or simple because they don't want to be alone.

'I don't know whether it's worth my while worrying about it if this is a standard situation for other couples?' it really shouldn't matter what is standard for other couples, whats really important is your happiness, and by extention, your relationship.

I will say that if there is nothing more than routine and familiarity keeping you together even at this early stage, what do you see it being like in ten ot twenty years time?? What if someone came along that you did spark with? An affair is (in my opinion) more likely if there isn't a strong bond with your wife. And that would cause untold hurt and damage.

I don't know if there is someone amazing out there for you, but I do believe that you deserve more than just settling for someone. As does your wife. Does she know that you settled for her? Do you think that maybe she could be happier with someone else?

I don't know what other advice I can give, or even if this constitutes advice, hope it gave you something to think about.

Good luck.

LovelyLottie

I think everyone has different ideas of what constitutes a good and happy relationship.

In my opinion a 'spark' or chemistry is important - but when exactly that spark materialises (for me at any rate) can vary. I'm in my mid-30s and single, and i used always want an immediate spark with someone in order to consider pursuing it. As a result, i know i turned down some very nice guys, who i possibly might have sparked with after a few dates.

In recent years, i've given things more of a chance and an attraction or spark has developed a few times, when i wouldn't have expected it to.

What i'm looking for in a relationship has changed from when i was younger - i definitely need to be attracted to the person, it's hugely important for me, but i'm also now attracted to generosity, loyalty, someone who's funny and whom i can talk to, someone who treats their friends and family well, and someone who treats me well

A relationship is so much more than just a 'spark', it's about love, respect, the ability to laugh about and share things together, understand each other, support each other. I personally think you need to feel a special connection and attraction to the person you're with. But as i said, everyone is different, and some people place security and stability above 'fairytale romance'. And that's ok if it works for them.

Whether you feel happy and fulfilled in your relationship, is the most important thing.

eadire

I have to say I felt the spark, from the moment I met my now fiance, I knew from the moment he walked spoke to me that he was the one.
I am sorry to hear you don't feel this with your wife, but as another poster said it is not all about a spark, it is about loving each other no matter what, its about been able to spend hours with each other just talking about nothing, its about been able to spend a night alone together without doing anything and its about knowing if this person was ever to leave you or anything happen to them that you don't know if you could function.
I know I would not be able to function if my fella left me or anything was to happen to him and that is what love is, you don't need a spark you just need love.

Hope this helps you in someway and you begin to realise how you feel about your wife.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the responses. It's nice to know I'm not alone in wondering this! It's been bothering me for a while now.

@caoimhecute - I wish I could tell you what created that spark, honestly. Like I said, she was attractive. Not a stunner, but I noticed her looks immediately. Having said that, I'm like most blokes and find many women attractive! This was just different. I can only describe it as electric - there was something weird about it. Up to that point I'd never had the courage to ask a woman for her number, or even chat them up, but so strong was this feeling that I had to ask for her number before the night was out! That's probably what shocked me the most, that I wanted to see her again more than I feared any possible embarrassment from being refused! It's not something I've felt for anyone since, and there have been plenty of attractive women I've met and spoken to.

Anyway, that's a long time ago now. My concern, as Gilldog pointed out, is that I don't know whether this is the right relationship for either of us. I wish I had felt that spark for her as it would make things so much easier! Maybe someone out there would care more for her, and maybe she'd have a more fulfilled life with someone like that. To say I've settled would be unfair on her though - she's been great for me in many ways, and if she's whom I'm meant to be with then fair enough, but I will always wonder whether there is someone else out there would I would spark with, and who I could have an amazing relationship with, rather than what I have now which I certainly wouldn't consider anything other than average.