Difficult friend situation

lazygal

I've been having an issue with a friend for about a year now. She suddenly went from being what I considered a close friend I'd see once a week for drinks etc, texting a lot to no contact and is extremely cool when we are in a group setting (we have several mutual friends). I can honestly say I've racked my brains and I genuinely have no idea why she's gone like this. She doesn't seem to have had an issue with any of our mutual friends.
I am now finding it very difficult to deal with her in a group setting. I arranged something for friends who were home from abroad over Christmas and a deposit had to be paid, so I emailed all the people who would wish to attend and asked them to confirm with me whether they would attend. She said she would and was looking forward to it, but didn't show on the day. She didn't let me know but texted another person in the group who told me, meaning I was left short of her deposit.
I'm finding her behavior very petty, bordering on downright rude. There was a small dinner in another friends house this week and she asked every single person bar me about going out next weekend and even went so far as to take out her phone and make a booking. I was obviously being excluded.
There's a few such incidents but you get the gist. I'm over whatever issue she has with me, I wish she would talk to me about it, I have tried to initiate contact but having been rebuffed I decided to cut my losses. I am, however, finding it very annoying having to deal with her attitude when we are in a group together. I haven't really spoken to our mutual friends about it but one has said she was annoyed with how this girl acted on one occasion, so its clear they have noticed something is up.
I really feel this is just getting silly and is resulting in me not enjoying my time with my friends because she has been making me feel so uncomfortable. I see the friends without this girl too but I am finding myself reluctant to be around her because of this. Any thoughts very welcome.

Chinafoot

God she sounds like a child. If one person has commented on her behaviour to you I wouldn't be surprised if the others have noticed it also.

If it was me I would have it out with her. Her making the booking in front of you would have been a good opportunity but I can understand that you don't want to make things awkward for your other friends.

Is there any way you can get her on her own and ask her out straight what her problem is? If she refuses to have an adult conversation tell her simply, and calmly, that you don't appreciate her behaviour towards you, that she is making things awkward for your mutual friends and that she needs to find a way to behave like a grown-up around you because you're not going anywhere.

Her behaviour sounds pathetic. I would however suggest that you discuss it with a mutual friend that you trust. Let them know how you're feeling and see if they have any clue as to why she's behaving this way. You shouldn't have to avoid spending time with your friends because of her petty, childish behaviour.

lazygal

Thanks for that Chinafoot. I have tried (a few months ago now) to sort this out, I don't want to go into any more detail here but it didn't get me anywhere. She simply doesn't respond to any attempt by me to speak to her alone. I'm quite hurt by how she's acted but if she doesn't want to be friends, i'm not going to flog a dead horse. But I am really angry about her most recent behavior, making plans and clearly leaving me out. It just all seems so teenage and petty, like you said I don't want to make my friends feel weird but I also don't want to be walked over or for her to think she can act this way and I'll just suck it up. It's a difficult one.

Chinafoot

Its a crappy situation. Definitely have a chat with a friend - the one that commented on her behaviour to you would probably be a good one to speak to. Its a horrible feeling to be left out like that so blatantly and I can understand you feeling like just avoiding nights out when she'll be there, but that will play right into her hands.

Is there anything that happened between you before this started? Anything that she could have misconstrued as an insult?

R.D. aka MR.D

Have you asked all your friends what they think? One of them is bound to know why she is being like this. She will have said it to some one.

Try and pick the one she is close to and ask her. Make out that you are so upset and just wish you knew what was wrong so you could try to fix it.

If none of this works then just try your best to ignore her while killing her with kindness. By this i mean just be overly nice to her in social situations so that if she ignores you or is rude then she is the one that looks bad.

A girl i knew stopped speaking to me for 2 years because i didn't offer her a lift because i already had too many people in the car Some girls are just overly dramatic.

lazygal

Thanks guys. Without going into too many more details on here, I don't think asking others what her issue is will do anything, it would just not lead anywhere. TBH there's aspects of her behaviour I excused when we were good friends that I now find quite difficult to tolerate so it will be more trouble than its worth to ask others what's up with her.
I always go out of my way to be extremely polite and friendly when I'm around her, I'm not going to lower myself to her nonsense but its really beginning to p!ss me off that she's acting this way. We're a group of people in our late 20s/early 30s but I feel like this way of carrying on is really immature.

Forever Hopeful

lazygal wrote: »

Thanks guys. Without going into too many more details on here, I don't think asking others what her issue is will do anything, it would just not lead anywhere. TBH there's aspects of her behaviour I excused when we were good friends that I now find quite difficult to tolerate so it will be more trouble than its worth to ask others what's up with her.
I always go out of my way to be extremely polite and friendly when I'm around her, I'm not going to lower myself to her nonsense but its really beginning to p!ss me off that she's acting this way. We're a group of people in our late 20s/early 30s but I feel like this way of carrying on is really immature.

Hi Lazygal,
This girl is immature and jealous. If I were you, I would just rise above it and as hard as this is to do, try and not let it get to you. I've found as I've grown up, people who behave in a manner like this are incredibly insecure, immature and want to be the centre of the universe. She knows exactly what she is doing, and I bet if you took a tough stand at her, present the facts of her actions and tell her how it makes you feel, it would really affect her.
Don't give her the satisfaction of trying to pander to her or talk to your mutual friends. Confront her with confidence, tell her that you value friendships but you don't appreciate her behaviour and that you wouldn't dream of treating someone like that, if you have an issue with someone you try to seek a resolution. She'll feel like an eejit (may not show it).
I can guarantee that this girl is a confused and sad girl. She's acting out because of that. Happy people are kind, thoughtful and love life. They don't treat people like they are treating you.

Batgurl

Shes made it obvious that shes cutting you out of her life, so you do the same. You can't force someone to be your friend so don't.

Why did you invite her to the dinner? If you've known this for a while and she hasn't been a friend to you, leave her off the email next time. If she calls you up on it, just say that you honestly didn't think she'd be interested in something you organised as she didn't feel the need to invite you to her dinner.

I had a friend bitch who was as toxic as she seems, all of the above happened plus more except the tipping point was a holiday that she didn't invite me on that everyone else went on (it was her dad's villa). After that I just cut her out. Met up with my girls (who felt realy bad that I couldn't come but they couldn't exactly invite me to her villa) for coffee drinks etc.

I still had to put up with nights out where she was there as we still had mutual friends but I wouldn't put any effort in. If she started talking to me, Id reply politely but wouldn't offer any information openly.

Eventually one night she got all upset and starting crying dramatically in the pub about how i'm so mean to her, how she puts in so much effort and im really horrible to her-basically trying to throw a pity party (of course I was invited to that one!). I was ready to have it out with her there and then but luckily for me at that point my friends turned round and went "XX, what are you talking about? You're the one thats being a bitch to batgurl. We've all noticed it so cop the hell on and either be her friend or shut up".

After that, there was an improvement, nothing like a Hollywood movie, we're not best friends but we don't make the other feel isolated. However, thats never gona happen with you if you don't show her how it feels. You've tried talking, it didn't work. Now is the time for action. GOOD LUCK!

lazygal

Thanks all. I have already cut my losses with her, I've actually no desire to reconcile with her but civility is all I'm looking for. I'm kind of in a rock and hard place situation as regards including her, the event for which she didn't tell me she was not attending was organized at the request of another friend who specifically asked me to include her. I think though I'm just not going to cut her any slack and not engage with her unless it would be downright rude not to. It's such a silly situation and TBH not one of my making (as I said, I have thought about what I could possibly have done to make her act this way but have drawn a total blank). I'll obviously have to tolerate her when other people include her but I think not asking her to things I'm organizing will make life easier. If others ask why I'm not including her or why she hasn't come I'll simply say something like I didn't think she'd be interested in coming.

iguana

What are her personal circumstances? Could your pregnancy be hurtful for her? A lot of women go into self preservation mode and avoid pregnant women if they have fertility problems or have a miscarriage history.

lazygal

Iguana, she has no interest in children or having a family. In fact, when I told my friends I was expecting her only comment was along the lines of how she'd hate to have to give up her red wine for nine months and it wouldn't be worth it to her. she's quite vocal on her distain for children. So I know this is not a reason for her coldness.

iguana

Perhaps then she is having a very childish reaction to your pregnancy? If she thinks the idea of parenthood is very boring it could be that she associates you as a parent as very boring. There are unfortunately quite a lot of people who think this way. If this is the case I guess the best thing you can do is leave her be and focus your energy on people who are genuine friends, rather than someone who only wants friends that fit with a specific narrow lifestyle.

lazygal

That might be the case if this hadn't been going on for a year now. I only told my friends about my pregnancy before Christmas so I don't think she has a problem with it. She has other friends who are parents and as far as I can see she hasn't had an issue with them.

lazygal

Thanks for the replies once again. I'm not going to let this bother me (easier said than done!!) but I'm also not going to let her walk all over me. Time for a little assertiveness methinks!