Could I have your opinion on this please?

Bullchomper · 14-01-2012 2:05am #1

You know when you are slightly inebriated, and you write, but you cannot tell whether what you are writing conveys what you mean or even makes any sense.... I let an infatuation linger for far too long and subsequently wrote this but I don't know if what I'm thinking comes across properly in writing. I would greatly appreciate any feedback on this.

THE DEATH OF A SILVER FISH
Indeed, the death, the purposeful demise and sentence I gave
To the potential infestation of the silver fish
And had I been wise enough, to choose my infestations, and stand fascist on the censorship committee for all things that pose as an overstayed guest I might have been more discerning with my current fixation
Foolishness, ineptitude, wantonness, lack of foresight, hindsight, and nowsight, I beheld the peril and walked with pretend blindness straight in to its scorpion charm and managed to shroud myself in fictitious surprise when I could no longer shrug its hold
The acid stomach and lolling loathsomeness stand testament to my impish nature on all dealings with those confusing entities that I am surrounded by
An attachment, I dare mention, made in folly, made initially in jest, has reared its tail to sting my fantasies with tainted measure. I must sublimate accordingly and wallow swimmingly in these waters that I maternally sprang.
I hear speech and feel presence in my delusion and confusion, so tangible and sensed. To which, although in my means, I fear I shall not end, in dawn of this there is only sleep from the last thing that maintains my breath in this ephemeral chaotic smoke of abiosis. It is solely the dream that I wake for.
The bones feel more prominent than before, skin more rough and scaled, breath more shallow and compromised, could it be soon? Or as with public transport, can the time of these things ever be predicted? I wish to speak with you. Ghost of my desire. Person of my making. Projection of my solitude. Perhaps, as always, it is merely the mirror I have fallen for. Not of narcissistic origin, but of the belting voice that follows and leads me to you.
What have I draped across a ruin, and mindlessly professed its stateliness to the sane. I will surely be certified and confined soon, no pedestrian walkway is sufficiently wide for the loon. You cannot stop a tree swaying in the wind.
Think about it, realise it's an appalling doomed idea, and then zealously execute it and believe you will obtain surprising results. Fictitious science.

halpin17 · 14-01-2012 2:11am

Declaring your love for a friend? And previous to this she was oblivious to your liking of her....let's just say unless she has a phd in English,she maybe still unclear! Dumb it down ?

Bullchomper · 14-01-2012 2:32am

Well actually I'm the she and the friend a he, but could you identify the sentences where dumbing down is required (I'm never going to show it to him, but merely for my own 'records' of writing etc.).