Uncomfortable attention from another male

LegacyUser

Hi,

I attend a newly formed group that meets once per week to discuss a mutual cultural interest. When the group was started online, nobody knew anyone else, so we all met as strangers.
Everyone in the group is very nice.

One guy, though, creeps me out. He's about the same age as myself (late 20s) and is just far too friendly for my liking. If he were a woman I would say that he was throwing himself at me. He has no concept of personal space, sits far too close, smiles and laughs at things that I say constantly, often at inappropriate times, and when I mingle in the group, he often seems to follow me around. The last evening, I could see him out of the corner of my eye, staring at me. And when at the end of the evening I stood up to leave, he stood up too, leaned at me and smiled in a way that made me very uncomfortable, and said "Leaving? Pity." He said this in what I consider to be a very suggestive way.

Now, during our first encounter, he was like this too, and I felt the need to insert into the conversation that I have an ex girlfriend, as a way of telling him that I'm straight. But he persists in this weird, uncomfortable, demeanour towards me.

To be honest, I don't know what to do. I'm not gay, I'm not camp, and no one has ever mistaken me for gay before. I have no idea why he's acting like this.

And he's not camp, either. So in fact, I'm not even sure what is happening here. All I can say is that if he were a woman, his actions would be blatantly suggestive.

I am very uncomfortable, and would like solutions and suggestions from people here, as he is ruining the evening for me, which I otherwise enjoy. He is not doing anything objectively bad; but whatever way he is conducting himself, it's freaking me out, and I am not a timid sort at all. I've never been in this situation before.

Cheers!

Overheal

Just call him on it, and if he is, tell him to stop.

As you say you aren't timid.

cgcsb

wait until it comes to a head, say if he crosses a line, then just tell him firmly, you're flattered but not interested.

saa

cgcsb wrote: »

wait until it comes to a head, say if he crosses a line, then just tell him firmly, you're flattered but not interested.

I would have to disagree, call him out on a small thing the next time you see him so he gets the hint instead of it getting to a point where he's hitting on your literally and has to be rejected.

For his example if he's sitting too close move away the second he moves you could try,
Would you mind not sitting so close to me?
A lot easier to say than I don't like you like that IMO, not everyone's comfortable saying that but in my experience its easier to dress boundary issues asap some people just don't like their personal space being invaded, even saying jokingly hey personal space.

Captain McDuck

You have got to just say to this guy straight.

"Back off Pal, seriously" in front of he other if need be.

Ickle Magoo

Sounds like he know's it's making you feel awkward and is getting a bully-esque kick out of that. I'd call him out on it the next time he does anything that you find uncomfortable or it would be unusual for a friend/acquaintance to do...

An honest and public if possible: "I'm not interested, like, ever"...or if you think he's just doing it for kicks: "I know you probably think you are being funny but it's just coming across as really creepy" or similar should ensure he's under no illusions.

All the best, you. :cool:

neuro-praxis

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

Sounds like he know's it's making you feel awkward and is getting a bully-esque kick out of that. I'd call him out on it the next time he does anything that you find uncomfortable or it would be unusual for a friend/acquaintance to do...

Ok. This seems way OTT. It doesn't sound like he's a bully at all to me, it sounds like he has the hots for the OP. If the OP felt the same way there would be no problem, really.

Do as suggested above - ask him to not sit so close, ask him to give you space if he is following you around - send the signals you are not interested. If he crosses a line, then you can be very direct i.e. "I am not interested in you."

It is possible that he is simply a socially awkward person who cannot read social cues. I know someone like this, and he means no harm, but people need to be very direct with him for him to get the message.

Ickle Magoo

neuro-praxis wrote: »

Ok. This seems way OTT. It doesn't sound like he's a bully at all to me, it sounds like he has the hots for the OP. If the OP felt the same way there would be no problem, really.

I disagree, I think most people would have issues with someone who has the social graces of a gerbil being sexually provocative or suggestive in an inappropriate setting - if there was any initial attraction, nothing would kill it faster for me anyway.

From the OP's post I get the impression he is quite obviously uncomfortable and I'd be fairly certain he's not giving any encouragement - even going to far as to have to stress he had an ex-girlfriend. I think to persist with blatant innuendo/come-ons under those circumstances can certainly be a form of bullying or intimidation - I've seen it happen.

Of course, it could well be the guy is clueless about social cues or etiquette but when cracking onto anyone - never mind someone of the same sex which can be a whole mine-field of it's own - while in a group activity where such behaviour is neither expected nor encouraged, you'd have to be atrociously socially inept to make someone feel so creeped out they actually have to demand you stop/back off...which either way, I think is the OP's next move.

cgcsb

I wonder if the OP is confusing friendliness with flirtation though. Fo arguement's sake though, let's just say he's right and this guy is mad about him. So what? It's really unfortunate that we live in a society in which simple flirtation makes people uncomfortable. Regarding the poster that said he was a bully, get a life dude, have you never had a crush?

baby and crumble

There are lots of people in the word who have no idea how to flirt. Like, at all. So this guy probably really likes you, is trying to flirt but getting it horribly horribly wrong. You need to be really firm, and next thing you see him staring, ask him why he's staring. If he's sitting too close, move, and if he continues, tell him to back off. Try not too do it in a harsh way though, cos if this guy does just really like you, he'll be utterly humiliated. If it's still going a bit too far, just take him aside one night and say "Listen, I might have this all wrong, but it seems to me like you like me. I'm not interested in guys, so while I'm flattered, you're wasting your time trying to get something physical or romantic happening here".

And just so you know, saying you have a ex girlfriend doesn't mean you're automatically straight. I have ex boyfriends and I'm as gay as Christmas. This guy might have heard that and just thought "Oh well, he's probably gay or bi anyway, I'll keep going cos I like him!!!"

Fentdog84

Had a few similiar experiences before(unwanted attention from a member the same sex)and yeah while it is awkward and embarrasing but at the same time can be slightly flattering...

But the fact that he is persisting with this creep out behaviour is that you are enabling him to.You should have nipped this in the bud right away. You need to make clear to him that you are not gay and are not interested, I dont really see any other way around it, only to talk to him directly. In his head he probably thinks theres a chance of something happening by the fact that you havent directly said no way man to him. I dont really recommend humiliating him in front of the others though, unless he wont leave alone or as a last resort. But yeah, id say talk frankly to him, and if he still keeps bothering you after that perhaps talk to whoever runs the group about getting him removed from the group.

username123

neuro-praxis wrote: »

It is possible that he is simply a socially awkward person who cannot read social cues. I know someone like this, and he means no harm, but people need to be very direct with him for him to get the message.

I agree - you do come across people like this in life. It could be a form of undiagnosed (or diagnosed I suppose) autism or aspergers.

How does he behave towards other people in the group? Is this behaviour directed at you alone or is he socially inappropriate with other people also?

I would just be direct, addressing behaviours as they happen:
'Excuse me, would you mind not sitting so close to me, it makes me feel uncomfortable'
'Are you following me around?'
'You are in my personal space, could you back up a little please?'.

tinkerbell

I second the going along the personal space route. Tell him he is sitting way too close and it's making you uncomfortable.

LegacyUser

OP back, just to answer question about how he interacts with others in the group - he doesn't really seem to. He really only gravitates to me. I've noticed that when I'm busy interacting with others, he is very quiet and withdrawn.

I suppose I was just too eager to not cause offence, thinking I was misreading the situation. I suggested to some friends of mine today that I will take him aside and frankly tell him that I'm not interested so would he please back off. They think that this would be rude of me, and that I should chat to him instead and tell him I had a recent date with a girl I really like, ask him is he seeing any girls, and thereby inform him in a roundabout way that I'm not interested.

It's at the stage now, though, that I cannot feign polite conversation with him. I'm just sick of him.

blatantrereg

He sounds like he's clingy and unsure of himself, and is trying to hide behind you in the group.

It seems pretty conceited to take it as a sexual thing. He's quiet and withdrawn in general, yet somehow also confident enough to be that forward and chatty with someone who doesn't encourage it? Nope. That's coming from your own head I think.

I dont think you being sick of him justifies being rude to someone who will probably be pretty sensitive to what you say. I also think that being rude or hostile will just provoke an emotional reaction. That reaction might be just as uncomfortable as the clingy behaviour, and draw a lot more attention from the rest of the group.

But you do what you want to do.

finfinfin

just tell him your not gay.simples.

beks101

It sounds to me like maybe he's a bit of a quiet guy, not all that comfortable in social or group situations, and he's honed in on and become a bit clingy with the OP as something of a coping mechanism.

You see this happen in group settings a bit, usually when the people involved are younger, less socially experienced, but could be that this guy never really adjusted to group situations, moreso when it's a group of strangers.

OP, I'm assuming when the group first met you were quite open and friendly with everyone, including this guy? Maybe he felt at ease with you instantly and latched onto your 'friendship' as a way of settling his nerves in a group of strangers and is now taking it overboard.

If it was me, I'm not sure I'd say anything but I'd definitely distance myself from him within the group. Sit on the other side of the room to him, if he moves in close, move your chair away, put an end to any friendliness and don't engage in conversation with him. If he persists despite all attempts to disengage, then, say something.

LegacyUser

Sounds like a guy I work with, he's an absolute weirdo though and will always, always push the boundaries too far. He even got into a colleagues shower the morning after a house party.. while the colleague was in there!! As you can imagine, it caused a lot of tension. But I do believe this incident (while very extreme) happened as a result of our colleagues and managers not putting a stop to the suggestive behaviour in the first place. Had he been reprimanded for coming onto young, male colleagues before I imagine he'd be reluctant to get into the shower with another man without permission.
Obviously your scenario is different but from my experience of managing this fella, I'd say be as blunt as you can be. It seems cruel but it's the only thing that works. I have had to say ''Dan, get out of my face, I don't need to see your brekkie, thanks!'' because he'd literally be exhaling all over my neck and face. Men and women like that need to be firmly told to pipe down. Don't let it go on too long.

Of course my reaction may be OTT given the seriousness of this guy's behaviour with my colleague. So if it is, apologies, just ignore me

CyberJuice

next time your sittin down and he comes over and sits too close beside you you turn to him and say out loud "Jaysus buddy do you want to sit on my lap" say it as a joke as you laugh a little then say "gimme a bit of space mate your too close"

this is the problem sorted

BattleCorp

I had the same problem when I was in America. I found that if the guy is gay, then he will stop flirting with you immediately if you make it clear to him that you are straight and not the slightest bit interested. Saying you have an ex girlfriend isn't 100% the same as saying that you are not gay and not interested. You have to be very very clear.

Alternatively, maybe he is just a bit socially inept, you come across it occasionally. Maybe he doesn't mean to freak you out.

Either way, you have to speak up for yourself and make it plain that you are not interested in him if that's what he is after, or that you don't like the attention or the invasion of space etc etc if he is just being friendly.

You have to be cruel to be kind.

the GALL

I'm new in here and probably havn't got the etiquette right for posting here but can you not just tell him to fu€k off annoying you, I'm just saying.

BattleCorp

the GALL wrote: »

I'm new in here and probably havn't got the etiquette right for posting here but can you not just tell him to fu€k off annoying you, I'm just saying.

Yep, you could do that. But we are nice people and telling someone to f**k off would probably only be considered as a last resort.

username123

the GALL wrote: »

I'm new in here and probably havn't got the etiquette right for posting here but can you not just tell him to fu€k off annoying you, I'm just saying.

Why would you let yourself down by being offensive when you could just politely resolve the situation? We're not savages.

blatantrereg

Curious how this turned out, or if it was made clear why he was acting like that.

Taltos

blatantrereg

please do not ask OP's for updates on their issues. This forum is not for our entertainment and the OP is under no obligation to provide any update.

If you are new to PI/RI or it has been a while since you visited please re-familiarise yourself with our Charter.

Thanks
Taltos

the GALL

username123 wrote: »

Why would you let yourself down by being offensive when you could just politely resolve the situation? We're not savages.

from reading what the op has written he has exhausted all attempts to rectify the problem of unwanted attention and he has tried the softly softly approach maybe he should try something different. Just as an after thought if it was a girl/woman and there was all this unwanted attention/uneasy feeling would posters still be using the softly softly approach. If it was your sister/mother would you be using the softly softly or would you be kicking in his ass.
Telling mr unwanted attention to F*ck off isn't lowering yourself to being a savage it's getting the point across clearly after the op has exhausted all other avenues.
Maybe Mr unwanted attention is used to using colorful metaphors and does not see anything wrong with communicating in this way, it sounds like they just don't get the hint. Another poster has suggested using the phrase "Jaysus buddy do you want to sit on my lap" even joking I would not recommend, Mr unwanted attention might take this a 'come on'.
OP be straight with him and tell him where to go.

Liam Byrne

the gall wrote:

OP be straight with him...

Interesting turn of phrase!

I'm curious - if a guy was acting this intense around an OP that was a girl, would the replies be the same ?

I know someone who's gay does put an extra emphasis on the "not a hope in hell, sunshine - back off", but it really that different to someone you're 100% not interested in ? Shouldn't the OP react in the same way as if it were a girl that he found annoying/repulsive/not interested in ?

Ickle Magoo

Liam Byrne, this forum is for offering the OP some constructive advice - not posing hypothetical questions to posters based on whatever assumptions you want to make about other made-up scenarios.

As the OP hasn't been back in weeks, I'm locking the thread.